This week on Twitter (4/19 – 4/26)

This week’s attempt to be funny on Twitter from 4/19 to 4/26 (posted in order of Tweets). I was seriously bored off my ass this week and didn’t do much. I didn’t even get to do my open mics in town like normal. The funny just wasn’t in me for some reason like it normally is. Although, to be fair, that may have something to do with Dragon’s Dogma coming in from Game Fly and me spending 12 hours a day playing it (hehe).

4/21

The Defense Directorate of Earth Defense sported gay pride bands before it was trendy. #NerdJokes

4/22

One thing people forget about the moral high horse: horses shit and piss everywhere.

Surprised to hear Chrissy Amphlett succumbed to breast cancer. Figured she’d catch it early as much as she touched herself.

4/23

The sex was awesome. #teacherschangelives

It’s hard to lose weight while watching Anthony Bourdain and Andrew Zimmern eating street vendor Mexican food.

4/25

Today we celebrate the beginning of Idiocracy. #GeorgeBushLibrary

4/26

I bet the Tsarnaev brothers shoplifted those pressure cookers. #MamaTsarnaev

Still hunting the WMD’s. No, this time we’re Syrius. #SyriaWMD

I can’t tell who is saner, #MamaTsarnaev or #AlexJones.

This week on Twitter (4/12 – 4/19)

This week’s attempt to be funny on Twitter from 4/12 to 4/19 (posted in order of Tweets). Yeah, yeah, yeah… I’m running almost three weeks behind on getting these up on the web page. Fuck off already. This is the week of the Boston Marathon bombing. Comedy helps bring levity to stressful situations and is a coping mechanism for many people: it’s why trauma physicians, police officers, fire fighters, soldiers, and more use humor during times of stress. This was followed by the explosion in West, Texas. This humor may seem insensitive to the ignorant, but it is far from such. After 9/11 everyone was afraid to be funny and it was the wrong thing to do. I was glad to see humor after Boston. It was much needed.

4/15

Did the condom just break? #5WordsiHateToHear

No, that’s my natural lubricant. #5WordsiHateToHear

Republican candidate takes the lead. #5WordsiHateToHear

Have you heard about Jesus? #5WordsiHateToHear

I’d run the #BostonMarathon, but I don’t have a leg to stand on. #TooSoon

4/16

People keep saying, “We’ve always had a blast on Patriots Day and at the Boston Marathon.” Maybe we can choose another word?

#WelcomeToMySchoolWhere if you think everything is funny until they make fun of your pet issue: you’re expelled.

Supreme Court signals skepticism on patenting genes: so when can I get customized children?

Vandals destroy transformers in N. California, causing brownouts during optimum prime periods.

4/17

Libertarians, conservatives, licorice, Andrea Mitchell & Wolf Blitzer. #5ThingsThatAnnoyMe

4/18

In breaking news, the ATF conducted a raid on the city of West, Texas.

Once Little Miss Muffet ran away, did the spider ravish the curds and whey?

4/19

Oh man, the tension is like being inside a pressure cooker! #Watertown

I think their motive was to hear Bostonians say the word “terrah” all the time on the news. #BostonMarathon #Watertown

Wow, that traffic in #Watertown is so bad that even the police are gridlocked.

One man can change the world. Just ask Dzhokar Tsarnaev: he got millions to watch CNN for 19 hours straight.

Premiering this season on MTV, “Nineteen & Famous.” #Watertown

I have this weird urge to eat pirozhki. #Watertown

The Walking Dead should be filming episodes in Boston right now. Streets already empty.

That possum walked away saying, “Fuck, that guy is an amazing driver. I should be dead.”

Damnit, I’m missing the Macy’s Christmas Parade! #Watertown

Wait, I thought we already killed Osama. What was he doing in #Watertown ?

Dzhokar Tsarnae was like, “I’m on a boat, I’m on a boat, take a good hard look at the motherfucking boat!” #Watertown

So can we start profiling white people now? #Watertown #TSA #PatriotAct

Okay, that was fun… so when do the Boston Riots start? #Watertown

It’s times like these that make me forget about police brutality. #Watertown

If Bush were still in office, we’d be going to war with Czechoslovakia tomorrow. #Watertown #BostonMarathon

Dammit, another day that I’m supposed to “never forget.” #Alamo #PearlHarbor #9/11 #BostonMarathon

Dammit Dzhokar Tsarna, you’re interrupting Anthony Bourdain Parts Unknown! @Watertown

This week on Twitter (4/5 – 4/12)

This week’s attempt to be funny on Twitter from 4/5 to 4/12 (posted in order of Tweets). I have to admit I had a really slow week because I was fucking lazy. I really only made an effort one day.

4/7

Church in theater… lady behind me in line says, “I’m beginning to think Jesus was a used car salesman.”

4/8

Mudslide derails Amtrak train: no one waiting at the next stop notices the train is late.

3yo girl killed by garage door: prosecutors say door showing no signs of remorse.

I’m going to NYC next weekend to eat at restaurants. Why? Because I like playing Russian Roulette.

Mexican Gray Wolf making a comeback in US. So much for the efficiency of the Minutemen!

Iran, Syria, N. Korea block global treaty to control arms trade. Why does their vote even count? Only adults should vote.

IKEA halts moose lasagna sales after finding pork in it. Whew! I thought they were going to say horse!

I wanted to get my shirt in Manatee Grey, but apparently Target no longer offers that choice.

If Jay-Z and Beyoncé get to go to Cuba, we all get to go to Cuba, It’ll be anarchy! (*all hail Breakfast Club)

Margaret Thatcher dead. The “Iron Lady” has rusted. Your What? Tin roof. Rusted.

I bet Lena Headey (GoT Cersei Lannister) could solve her financial problems by asking geeks to send her $1.

Mufasa married Simba to keep Scar from inheriting the throne. Damn you gay marriage!

Sirens everywhere: so either a bad wreck or a meth lab blew up. Yep, those are your Alabama odds.

4/9

Roman Colosseum. #ClassicSportsVenue

When the referree called foul on the Christian for cutting off the lion’s leg. #WorstSportsCall

I’m Hotter Than…

I’ve often employed the “I’m hotter than…” when I’m on stage and sweating (either as Reverend Blair or during my standup). I’ve had a few people ask me to compile all of them into one place, so here they are.

I’m hotter than…

…Eric Massa (D-NY) at a tickling convention.

…Bill Clinton (D) in a cigar shop.

…General Patraeus at a biographer’s convention.

… Anthony Weiner (D-NY) with a Twitter & Instagram account.

…Chris Lee (R-NY) at a GNC store buying Muscle Milk.

…the RNC at Vegas strip club!

…Tom Ganley (R-OH) at a Women’s Tea Party!

…John Ensign (R-NV) at a BFF Convention.

…John Edwards (D-NC) talking to a producer while at a Cancer Awareness conference.

…David Vitter (R-LA) at a DC Brothel.

…Mark Foley (R-FL) at summer Intern program.

…Brian Doyle (Dep. Press Sec. of DHS) in a Hannah Montana chat room.

…Jack Ryan (R-IL) at a Seven of Nine Whips & Chains Club!

…David Vitter (R-LA) with a little black notebook.

…George Rekkers on a European cruise.

…Strom Thurmond (R-SC) surrounded by teenage negro staff.

…Ed Schrock (R-VA) visiting hotmilitarystud.com run by Jeff Gannon (George Bush press appointee).

…Gary Condit (D-CA) at a CSI convention.

…Monica Lewinsky getting Tripp’d up on a blue dress!

…Gary Hart (D-CO) monkeying around with some Rice.

…Arnold Schwarzenegger (R-CA) singing Maria from the Sound of Music.

…Phillip Hinkle (R-IL) at a hotel calling 1-800-HOT-STUD.

…Mark Sanford (R-SC) on an Appalachian hiking trail.

…Dominique Strauss-Kahn (IMF) with a New York hotel housekeeper!

…Silvio Berlusconi (Italy) surfing Disney.com.

…Heidi Fleiss at the Bunny Ranch.

…Hulk Hogan at a swinger’s party.

…Paul Babeau (Pinal County Sheriff) at a INS Deportation Hearing.

…George Rekkers at a Baggage Claim.

…Jon Hinson (R-MS) in a head on a WWII Navy ship.

…Glenn Murphy (R-IN) with a passed out frat boy.

…Ted Haggard in a day spa.

…and probably wetter than Sarah Palin (R-AK) in a game preserve.

…David Wu (D-OR) at Daddy/Daughter work day.

…Bill Clinton (D) at a Dry Cleaners.

…Larry Craig (R-FL) at Minneapolis airport bathroom. At least, that’s my stance on it.

This week on Twitter (3/29 – 4/5)

This week’s attempt to be funny on Twitter from 3/29 to 4/5 (posted in order of Tweets). I spent most of my time during this period in Austin, TX for the American Atheists Convention (#AACON13), so I was pretty much ignoring social media. I bought a new camera so I could take pictures and never used it once.

3/30

OMG, DJ is playing Dougie Fresh & Slick Rick! I just had an 80’s orgasm!

3/31

So did Jesus see his shadow this morning?

4/1

It smells like bat shit. Wait… what’s that chirping sound?

Just crushed this fool who wanted to tell us about Jesus. Boy, did you pick the wrong atheist to proselytize to!

4/3

I’ve seen horrible shit in my life but Kevin Ware’s injury made me cringe. On the bright side, he’ll rock the paralympics!

I’m hotter than Chris Lee (R-NY) at a GNC store buying Muscle Milk.

4/4

Nicolas Cage walks into an adult store. Clerk suggests a dildo he can use to “tear that vagina up.” Cage responds, “I’m more of a vagina protector.”

4/5

#BecauseOfAdamLambert I renewed my appreciation for the hatred of popism.

One more tick in the “Yep, I’m straight” column. #BecauseOfAdamLambert

#BecauseOfAdamLambert : When the Jonas Brothers meet the wardrobe of My Chemical Romance.

#BackIn7thGrade seeing it was more interesting than putting it in.