BWAHAHA: 2/22 – 2/28

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 2/22 – 2/28: Well this week we survived Ragnarok, another failed religious prediction of the end of the world. And so, we are back to waiting… once again. I had my first date in a very long time this week as well, which turned into a second date, and a third date, and a fourth date, and a trip together. I’m pretty fucking happy right now, so that means I’ve been a little nicer to anti-vax morons and creationists this week.

2/22

I’m not sure if I should celebrate Ragnarok or National Margarita Day. Vikings drank Margaritas, right? #Ragnarok

Today, the Ice Giants come back to ruin the world! #Ragnarok #NationalMargaritaDay

Just experienced the messenger version of the awkward silence. Weird.

I ate more Indian food in one sitting than several villages in India eat in a single day. #FirstWorldAwesome

I can’t decide if transcrypt is a crypt that is movable or one that’s sexually flexible.

2/23

Having a hoarder say, “Sorry about the mess” is like having Hitler say, “Sorry about that Jew.”

2/24

I’m pretty sure my thermostat is a compulsive liar.

Who ‘ya gonna call? Not Harold Ramis! Keep on Ghostbustin’ Harold! We’ll miss ‘ya!

If there’s a Heaven… I hope Harold Ramis is up there kicking Slimer’s ass right now.

If Gov. Brewer signs SB102, then straight supporters should dress like the Village People when going out to dinner.

Post what you eat: food woo posts on your thread in 3… 2… 1…

I’m pretty sure Jesus masturbates. That’s what rainbows are. And a double rainbow? Oh yeah, Second Coming!

Apparently some people still do read the newspaper.

The headline says, “Twin Peaks now online.”

It’s a pretty well-rounded newspaper.

I wonder if it has a classifieds section.

Sometimes you have to read between the lines to get to the meat of a story.

That must be the newspaper from Butte, MT.

It’s mostly opinions and editorials.

New God billboard proposal: “I haven’t been laid in 2,000 years.” – God

This Easter I’m going to walk around with a t-shirt that says, “I voted for Pontius Pilate.” (Oh yeah, I created it!)

2/26

Winter has been long and hard. Someone take away Father Nature’s Viagra.

Does a hairy fetishist shout, “Show me your pits!” (followed by, “Pits or GTFO!”)

“It’s a dry heat” just means you need more anal lube in Arizona.

Finally saw Gravity. It would have been better if she had died at the end. From a shark attack.

2/27

I think it’s great that the fight against gay marriage is actually what is helping move gay marriage forward.

After a careful search for clues, we have successfully identified the Tea Party senator’s seat.

She’s not just voluptuous, she’s voluptuass!

I was told that I was a gateway drug. Still trying to figure out what I’m a gateway to.

My friends suggested: Mexican food, Hell, bad synthpop, and bear & cub relationships. They know me all to well.

He meant to do that…

2/28

Tonight was awesome, but I felt like I was back in junior high. It was cute. Lol

This Senior Citizens Center is much more cost effective…

This week on Twitter (3/29 – 4/5)

This week’s attempt to be funny on Twitter from 3/29 to 4/5 (posted in order of Tweets). I spent most of my time during this period in Austin, TX for the American Atheists Convention (#AACON13), so I was pretty much ignoring social media. I bought a new camera so I could take pictures and never used it once.

3/30

OMG, DJ is playing Dougie Fresh & Slick Rick! I just had an 80’s orgasm!

3/31

So did Jesus see his shadow this morning?

4/1

It smells like bat shit. Wait… what’s that chirping sound?

Just crushed this fool who wanted to tell us about Jesus. Boy, did you pick the wrong atheist to proselytize to!

4/3

I’ve seen horrible shit in my life but Kevin Ware’s injury made me cringe. On the bright side, he’ll rock the paralympics!

I’m hotter than Chris Lee (R-NY) at a GNC store buying Muscle Milk.

4/4

Nicolas Cage walks into an adult store. Clerk suggests a dildo he can use to “tear that vagina up.” Cage responds, “I’m more of a vagina protector.”

4/5

#BecauseOfAdamLambert I renewed my appreciation for the hatred of popism.

One more tick in the “Yep, I’m straight” column. #BecauseOfAdamLambert

#BecauseOfAdamLambert : When the Jonas Brothers meet the wardrobe of My Chemical Romance.

#BackIn7thGrade seeing it was more interesting than putting it in.

This week on Twitter (3/22 – 3/29)

This week’s attempt to be funny on Twitter from 3/22 to 3/29 (posted in order of Tweets). I left for Austin, TX in the middle of the week for the American Atheists’ Convention (#AACON13) and basically ignored social media while I was having fun.

3/24

It’s #SuperSoulSunday, where God finally picks a winning team and announces it on Oprah!

FOX Sports’ coverage of #SuperSoulSunday is brought to you by Playtex: when the going get’s tough…

It’s halftime here at #SuperSoulSunday and Jive Talkin’ leads by a gimme five over the Funky Fresh.

The scheduled #SuperSoulSunday Parade has been canceled: cuz everyone’s gettin’ down!

Oprah has a #SuperSoulSunday: Don Cornelius spins in his grave.

In celebration of #PalmSunday, I’m giving myself hairy palms!

“Can’t you see I’m going blind?” – Korn’s tribute song to #PalmSunday

How come environmentalists aren’t all up in the shit of Christians for destroying trees on #PalmSunday?

I think #PalmSunday is Christian code for “we can masturbate without guilt today.”

If #PalmSunday fell on a Monday, would we encounter a parallel universe?

I think it’s pretty funny that it took an atheist to get #PalmSunday trending on Twitter. Go me!

I was going to celebrate #PalmSunday, but then decided to celebrate #FrondMonday instead.

I voted for Pontius Pilate! #PalmSunday

Adult stores report an increase in lube sales on #PalmSunday.

Fleshlight protests #PalmSunday, say they’re better than the palm. Jesus says, “I invited the Fleshlight: I have a hole in my hand!”

You’re not a pro on #PalmSunday until you get someone else to use their palm.

“She lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses.” – Ez 23:20 #PalmSunday

Dancing was fun, but my sciatica is really fucking pissed at me. LOL I don’t think it liked my Michael Jackson impersonation.

3/25

Tonight’s Set List: Palm Sunday, A&M, Pukis, Gas Ovens, Nasty Vaginas, Power of Vaginas, Pigs, Pink Palace

3/26

Only in Alabama can it snow for 36 hours without any accumulation.

Any time I hear a Mormon mention #Prop8, I just think they mean they proposed to eight 13yo girls.

Where’s the lube? #ThoughtsInBed

I think I can, I think I can, fuck… I can’t. #ThoughtsInBed

Where did she come from? #ThoughtsInBed

Where am I? Monkey beside me. I’m naked and covered in feathers. Whose bed is this? Oh, a bottle of Jack, that explains it. #ThoughtsInBed

Creationism is playing pretend for adults. #ItsNotComplicated

Don’t be one of those assholes who thinks everything’s funny until they make fun of your pet issue. #ItsNotComplicated

If the chittlin’ don’t be fittin’, then you must be aquittin’. #ItsNotComplicated

I don’t like butt sex, but I do like more tax revenue for my County’s marriage license department! #UnitedForMarriage

I’m totally “behind” #MarriageEquality

Just mowed my lawn in the snow. Yep, that’s how we do it in ‘Bama. #ClimateChangeIsReal

3/27

Christopher Hitchens is my co-pilot: because a corpse is better than an imaginary friend.

3/28

#SongsIWillAlwaysLove – Sex Dwarf by Soft Cell. I’m pretty sure it’s a song about my penis.

#SongsIWillAlwaysLove – “Let’s Hear It For The Boys” because girls have cooties.

#SongsIWillAlwaysLove – “Goonies”, because everyone needs a teenage anthem.

#SongsIWillAlwaysLove – “Axel F” because Eddie Murphy is a Crazy Frog!

#SongsIWillAlwaysLove – “Sixteen Candles” because they just don’t make good pedophile songs anymore.

#SongsIWillAlwaysLove – “In Your Room” by the Bangles, the video makes me JIMP every time.

I’m hotter than Ted Haggard in a day spa!