BWAHAHA: 5/24 – 5/30

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 5/24 – 5/30: The news hyped the shit out of the Camel Toe Meteor Shower: the shower that had never been to Earth before. I sat out in my yard for 45 minutes and all I saw was lightning bugs. So a big fuck you to the Universe.

I went and saw Maleficent Friday the 30th and I really enjoyed it (no spoilers here, I promise). Reading some of the criticisms online I can’t help but wonder what people thought they were getting? Did they think they were going to see an M Night Shyamalanadingdong movie? Were they expecting JJ Abrams? Michael Bay? It was a Disney movie and if you expected anything but a Disney movie then you should be doing a critique of yourself. This was a pure Disney movie through and through and it was done beautifully. It passed the Bechdel Test with flying colors. The amazing part was the lack of clear and defined roles of good and evil, with characters being both and dealing with those internal struggles. Angelina Jolie nailed the role and was incredible. The movie is dark and has a lot of death in it (you never see the deaths happen: it’s insinuated or you see afterwards (think Dumbledore’s fall and then you see him on the ground but never see him hit the ground), but dark is not new for Disney. Was the movie Amazing? Of course not, it’s a Disney movie. Was it good? You betcha! One thing I can consistently count on is that if critics hate a movie, I know I’m going to like it and if they love a movie (or it’s nominated for Best Picture) then I know I’m probably going to hate it.

The scariest part of Maleficent was the teaser for the new Cinderella movie being released in 2015.

5/24

Meteor! Never mind, lightning bug. Meteor! Never mind, lightning bug. Meteor! Fucking lightning bugs.

Ghost peppers in mac & cheese with hot sausage? Oh yeah… I’m on fire. But it’s a good spontaneous combustion.

My article “My First Threesome” was published in The Rocket Wrangler. TRW is where local comedians post their funny articles and fake news.

5/25

I was passing someone doing 10 under in the left lane and Colony 5’s song “Unaware” started playing. #AwesomeCoincidence

5/28

I really hate getting sick. More than I hate being sick. I’m not a fan of suspense.

5/29

“How was I supposed to know that everyone would call me out for wearing white?”

It suddenly dawned on Nicole why she was so cold.

And here we have someone who clearly wasn’t very good at Pitfall on the Atari 2600.

After tons of criticism from earlier teaser pics, the new TMNT movie has taken a new route to attract new fans.

Thanks evolution for evolving the virus that attacked me yesterday. And thanks for the immune system that kicked the virus’ ass last night!

Thoughts of fleeing were dashed upon discovering the only two fit officers on the force manning the DUI checkpoint.

Steve thought he had the most amazing hose in the universe.

Meanwhile… in the Libertarian utopia… (Wait, there’d be no roads in the Libertarian Utopia)

I fatwa in your general direction!

5/30

Fifteen minutes later I was arrested for beating the shit out of a cat.

I think I know where the nozzle goes… but does it take unleaded or diesel?

Who needs a high school diploma when you can work at a grocery store bakery?

No one was going to get free coffee as long as McDougal was on watch!

The spice rack in the Thai restaurant fell on top of me. I’m physically fine, but totally Thai dyed.

I have a guest at my front door. He’s not moving. #MexicanStandoff

The restaurant: hot. Candy store: hot. Theater: hot. My house: hot. Did all the A/C’s break down? I’m now looking for the Happy Toyz truck.

So Disney is remaking Cinderella (2015 release). I’m skeptically intrigued and ruefully mused.

So that’s how new My Little Ponies are made…

BWAHAHA: 5/17 – 5/23

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 5/17 – 5/23: I got nothing to write about this week because it was mostly a boring week. And anything worth mentioning… made it to Twitter, because 140 characters is exactly what you want when talking about something important.

5/17

Bob was last seen flying over a corn field in Nebraska. If you find him, please call 800-NOT-LOST.

5/18

Damn, there’s been a cure for Aspergers this whole time!

The porn industry is always looking for older women to play Catholic School girls… #CareerOpportunities

Star Trek confirmed for me that I wasn’t a racist, because I wanted to have sex with all the female aliens!

Sad drunk is masturbating hot dogs to the lingerie section of the JC Penny catalog.

Only a few more crazy people to kill. #GOT

5/19

The elephant took one look at Floridians and immediately swam back to Africa.

Grandpa’s penis pics just weren’t big enough for grandma.

A new plot twist was unveiled today for the new Transformers movie.

On the next Manswers: Girls on Trampolines on Cars on Streets. Don’t miss Trauma: Life in the ER afterward.

Toyota announces new cup holders for next 2015 models.

My GF just had her first piece of mail delivered to my house. That’s a relationship stage, right?

Wait, when did they start showing fucking on WGN? #Salem

5/20

Kim Kardashian released her new sex tape today.

Taking PRIDE a little too seriously…

Without government safety regulations, Libertarians created their own air bags.

At Kroger today a little girl at checkout told her mom, “Gipshins write in hydroglyphis.”

I guess they’re going to have to rename it the Wheel of Misfortune. #PatSajak #UnpatrioticRacists

Apparently, climate change is for white people only. #PatSajak #UnpatrioticRacists

Pat, I’d like an “F.” Can I buy a vowel? Can I get a “U,” please. #PatSajak #UnpatrioticRacists

Wait, I get it, It’s Wheel of Fortune with Vanna WHITE! #PatSajak #UnpatrioticRacists #ClimateChange

There are the women dancing to Nicki Minaj in my living room. Not sure if this is heaven or hell.

5/21

Live music for upcoming Japanese festival: “…country, Cajun, rock & roll, big band and some traditional Japanese music.” #DoingItWrong

Food for Japanese festival: “…hot dogs, hamburgers, popcorn, Cajun jambalaya, barbeque sandwiches, and Japanese Yakisoba.” #DoingItWrong

Libertarian Fire Department respond to brush fires out west.

Recently, pictures were uncovered that may reveal how the war was actually won. #ForTheRepublic

The one drawback to cleaning out Washington’s nose, is the risk of making him sneeze.

This is how the split between the Episcopalians from the Catholic Church started…

Fiat still does not understand why there is a public outcry against Fiat inbreeding.

I’m all for treating animals humanely, because they taste better that way.

5/22

The real reason The Republic lost the Battle for Endor.

Taking penis envy to an entirely new level.

John was last seen being escorted to prison, but at least he’s Internet famous now!

Just overheard at Mexican restaurant, “No white people work here. So much for affirmative action.” /facepalm

For handicapped people who like to go facing backwards.

Mom & Dad would soon regret putting Tommy & Lisa in time out.

Producers quickly realized that the movie Noah needed more CGI.

BREAKING: McDonald’s employees not helping argument for raising the minimum wage.

Most people try to get rid of their spare tire, but not Mike. Mike loves his.

I got nothing…

5/23

Tommy would live to regret his trip to a South American indigenous tribe of head shrinkers.

The Los Angeles County Public School System unveiled its new Sex Ed prop today.

After looking at their tuition bill, four graduates took inspiration from Fight Club.

 

BWAHAHA: 5/10 – 5/16

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 5/10 – 5/16: On the 10th I participated in The Gong Show here in Huntsville, put on by Clockwork Comedy. I was the first contestant to not get gonged and one of only three contestants to not get gonged during the entire show. I performed the song “Things Creationists Hate.” Unfortunately, I did not know about the lightning round and had no other material prepared, so I just did Edelweiss. I considered doing it as Arnold Schwarzenegger or Louis Armstrong, but just sang it normally. Later, after I got gonged, one of the judges said, “You know, had you done it in a different voice, like Arnold Schwarzenegger, I wouldn’t have gonged you.” Well there you go, more anecdotal evidence that going with your first instinct is always right.

I went to see Godzilla on Friday night and it was amazing. If you are a fan of the genre, you will like this movie. They stuck to the genre with the appropriate level of campiness. There were plenty of tips of the hat to the classics as well. The complaints I’m seeing about the movie make no sense to me. One is that it’s all “America, Fuck Yeah!” I didn’t see that at all. What I saw was the American military getting its ass handed to it. The one time the word “America” appeared on the screen, it was on the TV and the bit was making fun of tickers and modern news channels (subtle humor, but great). Another complaint was about things like how lucky the character was, how the nuke team got lucky to find the only Navy EOD tech who was just happening to walk right by, etc. Well, see, that shit happens in every fucking movie, because it’s called FICTION, but you only notice it when you don’t like a movie, and that’s called confirmation bias. I mean, really, there’s this 500′ monster fighting off a giant flying parasite and an even bigger parasite who just laid eggs, who eat and live off radiation, but that’s acceptable… but that EOD guy being in the right place at the right time, well dammit, now the movie has just crossed the reality threshold into the absurd! It’s like some people have never seen old Godzilla movies. Look, if you’re not a fan of the Godzilla genre, then go and watch the Matthew Broderick version of Godzilla, because it actually wasn’t a Godzilla movie at all. People are funny. Just allow yourself to be entertained and enjoy the FICTION!

5/11

Weird, Facebook suddenly became MILF porn today… #MothersDay

Damn, that butt’s so big I’m pretty sure it was a contributing factor to Pluto being downgraded from a planet.

Those are supposed to be eyeballs… Yeah, sure they are…

For oral sex with squirters.

That’s racist.

5/12

Why am I the only one yelling, “Fight! Fight!” at the dog park? And why is everyone giving me the evil eye?

5/13

I posted a few Tornado Tips to help you out this season.

Today I was proven wrong… not all comedians are intelligent. Yep, all those scientists are wrong, but you, the fry cook, you figured that shit out.

In related news, since the announcement of Palin’s visit, the sale of Viagra to Republican men has increased tenfold in the Tennessee Valley.

The modern clothes line.

5/15

To me, there’s a huge difference between edible and eatable.

In 2002 I looked at this photo and realized I needed to shave my head. #TBT #Balding

It’s feeding time!

You should really be more aware of your surroundings when taking photos and video…

“Marion, don’t look at it. Shut your eyes, Marion. Don’t look at it, no matter what happens!”

For some of us, leaving the house without pants on is a nightmare.

Now who put a perfectly good couch out there for disposal?

I was fine with Katy Perry’s “Birthday” video until the end: then I was torn between erection and convulsion:

5/16

My cats aren’t killing the birds or fighting off the stray cats who are eating their food. Fucking Socialists!

Every time my stove timer goes off I have to finish the intro to Chicago’s “25 or 6 to 4”.

Now that Jenny McCarthy is promoting e-cigs, I may have to just resort to cocaine. I guess e-cigs don’t cause autism.

Superman and Zod still did more damage to the city than Godzilla and two MUTO! #GodzillaMovie

If #Godzilla is an Alpha Predator, then how come we never see him eat his kills?

BWAHAHA: 4/8 – 5/9

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 4/8 – 5/9: Okay, it’s time to post a new BWAHAHA. As I said in the last one, I’m struggling with my comedy right now because I’m finding it difficult to be funny when I’m happy and I’m the happiest I’ve been in a very, very, very long time. But I’ve written some new material, thrown away some material, and I’ve done a couple of shows with more lighthearted material and I think I’m slowly finding a way to turn my happiness into humor instead of my old self that turned anger, irritation, and depression into humor (as a coping mechanism, perhaps?). So I’m posting a month’s worth of the efforts I’ve made (notice this month’s worth is about as long as a week’s used to be).

Tom Hand was back on The Critical Eye Podcast in May as well. It was great to have him back on, so please listen to the show and enjoy Tom and I bantering back and forth just like old times!

4/8:

Seriously, you can’t invert the Y Axis on the Walking Dead game? Well, so much for playing it.

The one drawback to Freedom of Speech is that stupid gets to speak as well.

Lesson learned: always be aware of your surroundings.

He should have ran… ran so far away.

4/10

I wouldn’t say I was a ladykiller, but I was charged with attempted murder.

4/11

Last time my car battery died in L.A., I asked some young men for a jump. Ten minutes later I was bloody and bruised and a member of a gang.

Playing with Uranium is so much fun! #KeepTheNSAEmployed

I still feel like I have gnats flying in my nose, eyes, and crawling all over me. Fucking mating season.

4/14

I’m thinking of referring to woo from now on as poo. I know, semantics, but I think poo is more accurately descriptive.

4/19

Going to try to jump start my ride-on mower with my car. Someone should video this in case I blow up.

Always have a fully charged lightning staff on you: never know when a dragon will show up.

4/20

Oh, tall grass, how many things has thou hidden from last season?

4/23

In a world where Luke Skywalker didn’t escape.

There’s a fine line between dreams and fantasy: the line of my zipper.

4/28

Tornado Tip: Have identification on you that won’t easily be stripped off in the wind. Makes the coroner’s job easier.

Tornado Tip: Get dressed beforehand. No one wants to see you in your lingerie or skivvies at the tornado shelter.

Tornado Tip: Put a blanket or mattress over you in the bathtub, as it’ll muffle your screams better.

Tornado Tip: Keep your pets safe during a tornado, as you may need to eat them in a few days.

Tornado Tip: Get a good weather alert app, something to remind you every few minutes that WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!!!!!!

Tornado Tip: The NE quadrant of your house is the safest, that way you can’t see your death coming.

Tornado Tip: Get to a shelter early, that way you can get the top bunk.

Tornado Tip: Make sure your pets have collars and tags, that way the shelter knows what to call them when they euthanize them.

Tornado Tip: Make sure important documents are in an indestructible container, it makes for better airborne shrapnel.

My GF listens to ocean waves on her phone to help her sleep, then wonders why I get up to pee several times each night.

Tornado irony. Major damage in Hazel Green, AL along US-231.

4/30

Anytime I walk into a large room and there’s no monsters or bad guys, I’m like, “Something isn’t right.” #Gaming

5/1

To watch FOX you gotta be brainwashed. To watch MSNBC you gotta lean a little left, To watch CNN you gotta be in an airport.

5/3

Caught Mockingbirds eating the cat food. Lazy moochers.

Katherine Heigl (Grey’s Anatomy) is lollygagging. New definition for that word!

5/4

Sitting in the most comfortable patio chair I’ve put my ass in. $520? I’ll take the plastic one for $10, thanks

New episode of The Critical Eye Podcast with guest Tom Hand: E043: Tomwhat May, It’s Time for Tomlightenment!

5/7

Just spent five hours transferring all my goods to Markarth because vendors can’t afford my shit. #Gaming

I wanted to do a Michael Jackson impersonation tonight, but the bar didn’t allow kids inside.

5/8

Not sure what to wear to the Doobie Brothers concert: torn jeans with a paisley shirt or my funeral suit.

Thought I’d be the youngest person at the Doobie Brothers, but some hippies brought their kids.

If you’re into GILFs, you should come to the Doobie Brothers’ concert.

Since I went to see the Doobie Brothers tonight, a little #TBT in honor. No, my hair isn’t that tall… it’s a shadow.

Tornado Tips

A few tornado tips to help out this season:

TORNADO TIPS

• Have identification on you that won’t easily be stripped off in the wind. Makes the coroner’s job easier.
• Get dressed beforehand. No one wants to see you in your lingerie or skivvies at the tornado shelter.
• Put a blanket or mattress over you in the bathtub, as it’ll muffle your screams better.
• Keep your pets safe during a tornado, as you may need to eat them in a few days.
• Get a good weather alert app, something to remind you every few minutes that WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!!!!!!
• The NE quadrant of your house is the safest, that way you can’t see your death coming.
• Get to a shelter early, that way you can get the top bunk.
• Make sure your pets have collars and tags, that way the shelter knows what to call them when they euthanize them.
• Make sure important documents are in an indestructible container, it makes for better airborne shrapnel.

Joking aside…

On the side I storm chase and report for Spotter Network (I’m getting my SkyWarn cert as well). Chasing storms and photographing them is something I’ve done for a very long time. As someone who loves science, I love meteorology. Chasing storms is fun, exciting, and dangerous at the same time, especially here in Alabama where trees and hills block your view of the storms and tornadoes at every turn. Finding a safe place with an unobstructed view is difficult.

The building we were parked next to before we drove south a few blocks. One helluva close call!

My girlfriend and I had a very close call on 4/28 where we ended up getting hit by a tornado in the car. Luckily it was just an F1 tornado. I saw the danger and was able to drive south a few blocks quickly and position the car so that the debris was hitting us from behind on the southern wall of the tornado. Where we were parked before I moved, the building was blown out and strewn across the street. Bricks and furniture lay where we were originally parked.

So remove the jokes and keep the following advice: you should have identification on you, be dressed, put blankets or mattresses over you in the bathtub or closet, keep your pets safe, have a good weather alert app or NOAA radio, get in the center of the NE quadrant of your house, get to a shelter early if you’re in a mobile home or unsafe structure, make sure your pets have collars and tags so they can be reunited with you if they are separated in the storm (our dog is a tornado rescue dog that could not be reunited with her owner), and keep your important documents in a container that will not be destroyed by a tornado (or any other disaster, such as a house fire).

Also, make sure you have working flashlights, a few gallons of water, some canned food, extra gas in approved containers, etc. in case the power goes out for an extended period. I have a propane camp stove and plenty of small portable propane tanks as well as a tent, over-the-fire grill, large 7-day coolers to put freezer/fridge stuff in, bottled water, etc. I also keep all my important documents on a small flash drive in a bug-out bag so that if for some reason my safe container doesn’t survive, I’ve at least got electronic copies of all those documents: birth certificates, divorce papers, social security paperwork, mortgage/titles/deeds, bank account info, etc.

These are all things you can do to stay safe and help recover faster if your home is hit. Stay safe this tornado season!

For more information on tornado preparedness:

• NOAA (pdf)
• Ready.Gov
• CDC
• Weather.Com
• Red Cross
• OSHA
• SPC Tips for Schools
• Weather Underground