BWAHAHA: 8/2 – 8/8

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 8/2 – 8/8: Well this week was horrible for my normal job, but at least I finally resolved the problems by the end of the week and was able to enjoy my weekend: date night with my girlfriend, got to see a play (Bare), games with friends, mowing the lawn (I consider that a relaxing event since I ride a John Deere mower), and playing some Skyrim. We saw Into the Storm, the new tornado disaster movie (yes, I wore my Alabama Storm Chasers t-shirt). I wrote a review of the movie after seeing what I thought was some unfair criticism of the film. There’s plenty of legitimate criticisms of the film, there’s no reason to get unfair on it.

Okay, seriously, if you do not know the answer to something, then do not guess or make shit up. I read 76 comments of people guessing at what a spider was (pic posted by someone on a Facebook group) and only one guessed sort of right. Unfortunately, I’m not in the group, so I could not give this person the right answer. The spider was nephila clavipes and they are gorgeous (seriously, do a Google search for nephila clavipes). Oh, and what you call a banana spider IS NOT A FUCKING BANANA SPIDER! UGH! (BTW, this is an actual “banana spider:” Phoneutria fera)

OTHER STUFF

I hate when people guess when they don’t know. Just say, “I don’t know.” It’s OK. “I don’t know” is often a precursor to “Let’s find out!”

I made the mistake of wearing black to pick up the dog from the groomers. Now I have more hair than the dog.

The Happy Mondays were playing in the theater bathroom. The Happy Mondays! On the radio! In Huntsville, AL! Weird, yet awesome. And then to top it off, The Farm were playing inside the restaurant! Did Alabama suddenly discover music other than Top 40 crap and Country?

Going to see Into the Storm on Friday. Sure, I’ll cringe at some of the bad science, but I’m expecting to love the movie because, you know, it has tornadoes and shit in it.

My review of Into the Storm.

Yes, I wore my Alabama Storm Chasers t-shirt to see Into the Storm!

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS

The #ISS is moving at 17,144 MPH. Someone’s gonna get a speeding ticket when flying over Alabama! #CantDrive55

I feel like I should be watching CNN for over-dramatic coverage accompanied by scary graphics and music, but I’m resisting. #Iselle

Just saw two guys kissing on stage… And I didn’t get an erection, turn gay, or want to leave my girlfriend. #DisappointingGayAgenda

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle: Clingy Butt Hairs Not Included #ShartToys @midnight

Power Through It Rangers #ShartToys @midnight

LEGO Brick. #ShartToys @midnight

Battleshit #ShartToys @midnight

Pooperation #ShartToys @midnight

Razor Kick Folding Pooter #ShartToys @midnight

Deuces Wild #ShartToys @midnight

Plinkin’ Logs #ShartToys @midnight

Spelunking Barbie: With Real Guano! #ShartToys @midnight

Jem and the Meadow Muffins #ShartToys @midnight

Mousecrap #ShartToys @midnight

Loop de Poop Racers #ShartToys @midnight

#IntoTheStorm – still a better love story than #Twilight

CAPTION CENTRAL

Here I am, just mining my own business.

I’m gonna take you by surprise and make you realize, Oh Manta!

Flower Power.

This guy should win wingman of the year award or… his wingman should be fired.

Schools Districts have asked stores for help in eliminating guns at school.

“We then grind the capitalist pigs into tasty pork substitute.”

Go rafting they said. You can get away from people and enjoy the outdoors they said.

Look, it’s the adult version of the ice cream truck! Nothing better than Shopping Cart BBQ! #MmmMmmGood

This week on Twitter (4/26 – 5/3)

This week’s attempt to be funny on Twitter from 4/26 to 5/3 (posted in order of Tweets). This week was a little hard for me to stay active on Twitter since I was on the road for work.

4/26

I bet the Tsarnaev brothers shoplifted those pressure cookers.

Still hunting the WMD’s. No, this time we’re Syrius. #SyriaWMD

I can’t tell who is saner, #MamaTsarnaev or #AlexJones.

4/27

I wonder if there will be any Boston jokes at the Correspondent’s Dinner tonight.

Wow, the “book burning with Michelle Bachman” is going to get some hell from Republicans and Fundies. LOL

4/29

Scientists should invent a device for meat packaging that warns when the meat is spoiled and call them Spoiler Alerts.

4/30

If I want to rub one out… I use an eraser, and then write a two instead.

5/1

Someone needs to dance around my May Pole.

5/2

Drugs make me wanna jump, jump! Defibrillators make me wanna jump, jump! #RIPChrisKelly

5/3

Every Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup commercial is a subliminal message about sex.

Forty-something engineers hitting on twenty-something drunk girls at the bar. Funny shit.

Did anyone let GE know that The Matrix is soooooooooo yesterday?

The only way I can watch War of the Worlds with Tom Cruise is no volume, so Dakota Fanning doesn’t irritate me.

Think I need to start building an Ark, but this time I’m not inviting the dinosaurs, they didn’t even show up last time!

This week on Twitter (4/12 – 4/19)

This week’s attempt to be funny on Twitter from 4/12 to 4/19 (posted in order of Tweets). Yeah, yeah, yeah… I’m running almost three weeks behind on getting these up on the web page. Fuck off already. This is the week of the Boston Marathon bombing. Comedy helps bring levity to stressful situations and is a coping mechanism for many people: it’s why trauma physicians, police officers, fire fighters, soldiers, and more use humor during times of stress. This was followed by the explosion in West, Texas. This humor may seem insensitive to the ignorant, but it is far from such. After 9/11 everyone was afraid to be funny and it was the wrong thing to do. I was glad to see humor after Boston. It was much needed.

4/15

Did the condom just break? #5WordsiHateToHear

No, that’s my natural lubricant. #5WordsiHateToHear

Republican candidate takes the lead. #5WordsiHateToHear

Have you heard about Jesus? #5WordsiHateToHear

I’d run the #BostonMarathon, but I don’t have a leg to stand on. #TooSoon

4/16

People keep saying, “We’ve always had a blast on Patriots Day and at the Boston Marathon.” Maybe we can choose another word?

#WelcomeToMySchoolWhere if you think everything is funny until they make fun of your pet issue: you’re expelled.

Supreme Court signals skepticism on patenting genes: so when can I get customized children?

Vandals destroy transformers in N. California, causing brownouts during optimum prime periods.

4/17

Libertarians, conservatives, licorice, Andrea Mitchell & Wolf Blitzer. #5ThingsThatAnnoyMe

4/18

In breaking news, the ATF conducted a raid on the city of West, Texas.

Once Little Miss Muffet ran away, did the spider ravish the curds and whey?

4/19

Oh man, the tension is like being inside a pressure cooker! #Watertown

I think their motive was to hear Bostonians say the word “terrah” all the time on the news. #BostonMarathon #Watertown

Wow, that traffic in #Watertown is so bad that even the police are gridlocked.

One man can change the world. Just ask Dzhokar Tsarnaev: he got millions to watch CNN for 19 hours straight.

Premiering this season on MTV, “Nineteen & Famous.” #Watertown

I have this weird urge to eat pirozhki. #Watertown

The Walking Dead should be filming episodes in Boston right now. Streets already empty.

That possum walked away saying, “Fuck, that guy is an amazing driver. I should be dead.”

Damnit, I’m missing the Macy’s Christmas Parade! #Watertown

Wait, I thought we already killed Osama. What was he doing in #Watertown ?

Dzhokar Tsarnae was like, “I’m on a boat, I’m on a boat, take a good hard look at the motherfucking boat!” #Watertown

So can we start profiling white people now? #Watertown #TSA #PatriotAct

Okay, that was fun… so when do the Boston Riots start? #Watertown

It’s times like these that make me forget about police brutality. #Watertown

If Bush were still in office, we’d be going to war with Czechoslovakia tomorrow. #Watertown #BostonMarathon

Dammit, another day that I’m supposed to “never forget.” #Alamo #PearlHarbor #9/11 #BostonMarathon

Dammit Dzhokar Tsarna, you’re interrupting Anthony Bourdain Parts Unknown! @Watertown