BWAHAHA: 9/13 – 9/19

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 9/13 – 9/19: This was a pretty boring week overall. Slow work. Slow days. Slow weather. Slowly rebuilding my levels in Skyrim after I accidentally deleted my level 80 Argonian. I’m actually putting this together at 1:30 in the morning Thursday night/Friday morning because on Friday afternoon my girlfriend and I are heading to Rock Island State Park to enjoy the trails and waterfalls. It’s always nice to get away. Thanks to a friend (you know who you are) for staying in our house for us. We clean up our wet spots, so please clean up yours. Thanks!

I’m no longer hyperlinking the hashtags and Twitter accounts I reference. Copy & paste you lazy bastards. (Yes, I know… I’m a lazy bastard as well.)

OTHER STUFF

Just passed an 80+ yo female Asian driver doing 20 under the speed limit in a handicap-tagged Lotus. I should play the lottery today.

How to tell Macaroni Grill isn’t a real Italian restaurant: They’re using a parody of Sir Mix-A-Lot’s ‘Baby Got Back’ to promote flatbread.

Dear Mother Nature: You’ve ignored me now for almost two weeks. Please send storms. I’m bored. Storm Chasing Cabin Fever! Thanks! Love ‘ya!

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS

The Best of the Vest #HipsterComicBooks @midnight

Archiecrombie & Fitch #HipsterComicBooks @midnight

Cavewoman: Missing Ink #HipsterComicBooks @midnight

Atom the Catatonic #HipsterComicBooks @midnight

Black Furry #HipsterComicBooks @midnight

Bullwinkle & Rocky Shores #HipsterComicBooks @midnight

Danny Blazer & Corduroy #HipsterComicBooks @midnight

The Beach House of Yang #HipsterComicBooks @midnight

Catwoman/Vampirella Weekend: The Furies #HipsterComicBooks @midnight

Batman: Through the Cooking Class #HipsterComicBooks @midnight

Silver Age: Going Green With Lanterns #HipsterComicBooks @midnight

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Pabst Beer Drinker #HipsterComicBooks @midnight (Yes, Rudolph had his own comic book)

Judge Dredding the Day #HipsterComicBooks @midnight

Lobo Goes to Hollister #HipsterComicBooks @midnight

Samurai Jack Kerouac #HipsterComicBooks @midnight

The Further Adventures of Indiemusic Tones #HipsterComicBooks @midnight

My Namedropping is Chaos #HipsterComicBooks @midnight

George of the Jungle Washington #RuinAPresident @midnight

Thomas Jefferson’s Moving On Up #RuinAPresident @midnight

John Quincy Adams, Medical Examiner #RuinAPresident @midnight

John Tyler Perry’s Diary of a Mad White President #RuinAPresident @midnight

Abraham Lincoln Logs #RuinAPresident @midnight
In modern times it would be Abraham Lincoln Blogs

Private Benjamin Harrison #RuinAPresident @midnight

Theodora Roosevelvet #RuinAPresident @midnight

Franklin “The Big D” Roosevelt #RuinAPresident @midnight

Harry Truman Show #RuinAPresident @midnight

Jimmy Welcome Back Carter #RuinAPresident @midnight

Ronald Regan MacNeil #RuinAPresident @midnight #Exorcist

George H. We Got Bush #RuinAPresident @midnight #RevengeOfTheNerdsQuotes

Bill Ha Ha Clinton-Dix #RuinAPresident @midnight #GreenBayPackers

Charles, You’ve Got Some Gall! #RuinAPresident @midnight #GoingFrench

Saint Nicolas Sarkozy #RuinAPresident #GoingFrench @midnight

Nelson Played the Mandolin #RuinAPresident #CivilRights @midnight

Boris the Soviet Love Hammer Yeltsin #RuinAPresident @midnight

Vladimir The Impaler Putin #RuinAPresident @midnight

The Lone Planker #PirateTVShows @midnight

What’s Me Line, Matey? #PirateTVShows @midnight

Deckgunsmoke #PirateTVShows @midnight

Have Rum, Will Travel #PirateTVShows @midnight

Leave It to Deck Fever #PirateTVShows @midnight

Davey Jones and Goliath #PirateTVShows @midnight

The Jolly Roy Rogers Show #PirateTVShows @midnight

The Red Skeleton Show #PirateTVShows @midnight

Captain Kidd Kangaroo #PirateTVShows @midnight

The Sea Stooges Show #PirateTVShows @midnight

Cap’n Knows Best #PirateTVShows @midnight

Neat the Tress #PirateTVShows @midnight

Rawhide the Treasure #PirateTVShows @midnight

Days of our Knives #PirateTVShows @midnight

The Beverly Swillbillies #PirateTVShows @midnight

Kill Again’s Island #PirateTVShows @midnight

The Flintlockstones #PirateTVShows @midnight

My Three Guns #PirateTVShows @midnight

Mister Jolly Rogers’ Neighborhood #PirateTVShows @midnight

The Sea Monkees #PirateTVShows @midnight

Saturday Deck Fight Live #PirateTVShows @midnight

Knots Banding #PirateTVShows @midnight

M*A*S*H for Dinner (Again) #PirateTVShows @midnight

Ship’s Wheel of Fortune #PirateTVShows @midnight

Starsky And Dutch East India Company #PirateTVShows @midnight

The Poppet Show #PirateTVShows @midnight

The Golden Pearls #PirateTVShows @midnight

Ferried… With Children #PirateTVShows @midnight

Sails from the Crypt #PirateTVShows @midnight

Water Taxi #PirateTVShows @midnight

Mystery Pirate Theater 1700 #PirateTVShows @midnight

CAPTION CENTRAL

Beware the Chihuabber.

You realize, after posting on social media, that your friend’s armpit makes it look like you’re naked.

Now all the Christians can stop asking me if I’ve found him, because I FOUND HIM!

Clearly huge fans of The Sound of Music.

BWAHAHA: 5/10 – 5/16

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 5/10 – 5/16: On the 10th I participated in The Gong Show here in Huntsville, put on by Clockwork Comedy. I was the first contestant to not get gonged and one of only three contestants to not get gonged during the entire show. I performed the song “Things Creationists Hate.” Unfortunately, I did not know about the lightning round and had no other material prepared, so I just did Edelweiss. I considered doing it as Arnold Schwarzenegger or Louis Armstrong, but just sang it normally. Later, after I got gonged, one of the judges said, “You know, had you done it in a different voice, like Arnold Schwarzenegger, I wouldn’t have gonged you.” Well there you go, more anecdotal evidence that going with your first instinct is always right.

I went to see Godzilla on Friday night and it was amazing. If you are a fan of the genre, you will like this movie. They stuck to the genre with the appropriate level of campiness. There were plenty of tips of the hat to the classics as well. The complaints I’m seeing about the movie make no sense to me. One is that it’s all “America, Fuck Yeah!” I didn’t see that at all. What I saw was the American military getting its ass handed to it. The one time the word “America” appeared on the screen, it was on the TV and the bit was making fun of tickers and modern news channels (subtle humor, but great). Another complaint was about things like how lucky the character was, how the nuke team got lucky to find the only Navy EOD tech who was just happening to walk right by, etc. Well, see, that shit happens in every fucking movie, because it’s called FICTION, but you only notice it when you don’t like a movie, and that’s called confirmation bias. I mean, really, there’s this 500′ monster fighting off a giant flying parasite and an even bigger parasite who just laid eggs, who eat and live off radiation, but that’s acceptable… but that EOD guy being in the right place at the right time, well dammit, now the movie has just crossed the reality threshold into the absurd! It’s like some people have never seen old Godzilla movies. Look, if you’re not a fan of the Godzilla genre, then go and watch the Matthew Broderick version of Godzilla, because it actually wasn’t a Godzilla movie at all. People are funny. Just allow yourself to be entertained and enjoy the FICTION!

5/11

Weird, Facebook suddenly became MILF porn today… #MothersDay

Damn, that butt’s so big I’m pretty sure it was a contributing factor to Pluto being downgraded from a planet.

Those are supposed to be eyeballs… Yeah, sure they are…

For oral sex with squirters.

That’s racist.

5/12

Why am I the only one yelling, “Fight! Fight!” at the dog park? And why is everyone giving me the evil eye?

5/13

I posted a few Tornado Tips to help you out this season.

Today I was proven wrong… not all comedians are intelligent. Yep, all those scientists are wrong, but you, the fry cook, you figured that shit out.

In related news, since the announcement of Palin’s visit, the sale of Viagra to Republican men has increased tenfold in the Tennessee Valley.

The modern clothes line.

5/15

To me, there’s a huge difference between edible and eatable.

In 2002 I looked at this photo and realized I needed to shave my head. #TBT #Balding

It’s feeding time!

You should really be more aware of your surroundings when taking photos and video…

“Marion, don’t look at it. Shut your eyes, Marion. Don’t look at it, no matter what happens!”

For some of us, leaving the house without pants on is a nightmare.

Now who put a perfectly good couch out there for disposal?

I was fine with Katy Perry’s “Birthday” video until the end: then I was torn between erection and convulsion:

5/16

My cats aren’t killing the birds or fighting off the stray cats who are eating their food. Fucking Socialists!

Every time my stove timer goes off I have to finish the intro to Chicago’s “25 or 6 to 4”.

Now that Jenny McCarthy is promoting e-cigs, I may have to just resort to cocaine. I guess e-cigs don’t cause autism.

Superman and Zod still did more damage to the city than Godzilla and two MUTO! #GodzillaMovie

If #Godzilla is an Alpha Predator, then how come we never see him eat his kills?

I’m Hotter Than…

I’ve often employed the “I’m hotter than…” when I’m on stage and sweating (either as Reverend Blair or during my standup). I’ve had a few people ask me to compile all of them into one place, so here they are.

I’m hotter than…

…Eric Massa (D-NY) at a tickling convention.

…Bill Clinton (D) in a cigar shop.

…General Patraeus at a biographer’s convention.

… Anthony Weiner (D-NY) with a Twitter & Instagram account.

…Chris Lee (R-NY) at a GNC store buying Muscle Milk.

…the RNC at Vegas strip club!

…Tom Ganley (R-OH) at a Women’s Tea Party!

…John Ensign (R-NV) at a BFF Convention.

…John Edwards (D-NC) talking to a producer while at a Cancer Awareness conference.

…David Vitter (R-LA) at a DC Brothel.

…Mark Foley (R-FL) at summer Intern program.

…Brian Doyle (Dep. Press Sec. of DHS) in a Hannah Montana chat room.

…Jack Ryan (R-IL) at a Seven of Nine Whips & Chains Club!

…David Vitter (R-LA) with a little black notebook.

…George Rekkers on a European cruise.

…Strom Thurmond (R-SC) surrounded by teenage negro staff.

…Ed Schrock (R-VA) visiting hotmilitarystud.com run by Jeff Gannon (George Bush press appointee).

…Gary Condit (D-CA) at a CSI convention.

…Monica Lewinsky getting Tripp’d up on a blue dress!

…Gary Hart (D-CO) monkeying around with some Rice.

…Arnold Schwarzenegger (R-CA) singing Maria from the Sound of Music.

…Phillip Hinkle (R-IL) at a hotel calling 1-800-HOT-STUD.

…Mark Sanford (R-SC) on an Appalachian hiking trail.

…Dominique Strauss-Kahn (IMF) with a New York hotel housekeeper!

…Silvio Berlusconi (Italy) surfing Disney.com.

…Heidi Fleiss at the Bunny Ranch.

…Hulk Hogan at a swinger’s party.

…Paul Babeau (Pinal County Sheriff) at a INS Deportation Hearing.

…George Rekkers at a Baggage Claim.

…Jon Hinson (R-MS) in a head on a WWII Navy ship.

…Glenn Murphy (R-IN) with a passed out frat boy.

…Ted Haggard in a day spa.

…and probably wetter than Sarah Palin (R-AK) in a game preserve.

…David Wu (D-OR) at Daddy/Daughter work day.

…Bill Clinton (D) at a Dry Cleaners.

…Larry Craig (R-FL) at Minneapolis airport bathroom. At least, that’s my stance on it.