BWAHAHA 10/18 – 10/24:

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 10/18 – 10/24: I spent all week in Pittsburgh, PA, mostly bored out of my mind. What kills me is not that I had to go there, but that my being there didn’t accomplish a damn thing. The facility didn’t get their side done and we didn’t get the job completed because of it – so now my ass has to travel back to Pittsburgh for a third fucking week. On the bright side, I found an amazing Vanilla flavor for my Vape! Vanilla Pseudo Custard from VapePGH Inc in Pittsburgh is the best vanilla flavored vape juice I have ever tried. It’s very close to a vanilla creamer and it’s awesomely smooth.

Why do we only use orange pumpkins for Halloween and for carving? And how in the fuck did I go through 43 years of life without ever knowing that there were different kinds, varieties and species of pumpkins? Thanks to some random fruit stand in Tennessee, I now know about all sorts of awesome pumpkin species that are much creepier looking than the plane-Jane orange variety we get at our grocery stores. Black, green, brown, grey, blue, red, and tons of swirls and patterns and weird growths, all make for some amazing pumpkins out there. We bought a Marina de Chioggia and White Boer to bring home with us. The Marina de Chioggia is just really creepy looking. I’ll throw a picture of the two pumpkins we bought below in “Other Stuff.”

On November 17th, comedian Carlos Valencia is coming to Huntsville, Alabama! The show is free and you should definitely come out and see Carlos. Carlos is fucking brilliant. Opening for Carlos is myself, Nate Bailie, Tom Hand, and Jonathan Craig with host Matthew Tate.

 

OTHER STUFF:

New tag arrived today! Ready for the 2015 storm season!

Need to plunder something. Yes, bartender, I’ll take a Me & Coke, please.

Enjoying some Captain and vape! #ForeverVaping

The Marina de Chioggia (top) and White Boer (bottom) pumpkins.

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATION:

Shorten the season, no more series games, five innings, add tackling, and let women play. #ImprovedBaseball @midnight

Replace the baseball with a Golden Snitch #ImprovedBaseball @midnight

No more delaying or postponing games for severe weather. Lightning is just Mother Nature yelling “You’re OUT!” #ImprovedBaseball @midnight

To steal a base you have to actually take the base with you. Tagging a player out is then called a petty theft. #ImprovedBaseball @midnight

Replace stadiums with a living room and a PS4. #ImprovedBaseball @midnight

Extend football season, get rid of baseball. #ImprovedBaseball @midnight

Whiffle Ball! #ImprovedBaseball @midnight

The catcher has to stand in a small plot of Rye. #ImprovedBaseball @midnight

The outfielders have to take a vacation far away with Josie. #ImprovedBaseball @midnight

Take Me Out to the Ball Game replaced by Row Row Row Your Boat. #ImprovedBaseball @midnight

#IfICouldTimeTravel I’d talk Hitler out of having a mustache. Maybe a goatee instead. @midnight

#IfICouldTimeTravel I’d teach Neal Armstrong how to moonwalk so he could do it on the moon. @midnight

#IfICouldTimeTravel I’d get in a lifeboat and steal Rose’s necklace after Jack drowns. @midnight

#IfICouldTimeTravel I’d find the mammal that survied the meteor impact 65 million years ago and kill it. @midnight

#IfICouldTimeTravel I’d get Emperor Xuanzong to yell “KAAAAHHHHHNNNNNNNN!” just as Ghengis entered the gates of Caizhou. @midnight

#IfICouldTimeTravel I’d change the books to call him Alexander the Okay. @midnight

#IfICouldTimeTravel I’d give jet engine technology to America in 1939. #FoxOne #SplashZero @midnight

#IfICouldTimeTravel I’d convince Mr. and Mrs. Black to get an abortion… on Friday. @midnight

#IfICouldTimeTravel I’d convert Jesus to Hare Krishna. Then handing out flowers at the airport would be normal. @midnight

#IfICouldTimeTravel I’d convince Monica to wear a red dress instead. @midnight

#IfICouldTimeTravel I wouldn’t change a thing. I’d just eat popcorn and enjoy the stupid humans show. @midnight

Jesus comes back and pulls an Oprah, “You get to live! You get to live! And you get to live! #LameApocalypses @midnight

The llama population skyrockets out of control, they eat all the vegetation. It’s the Llamapocalypse #LameApocalypses @midnight

The alien accidentally drops the snow globe containing our universe. #LameApocalypses @midnight

God farts again and a new universe is created inside our universe. Turns out physicists, it’s a flatuverse. #LameApocalypses @midnight

Zombies arrive, but they’re vegetarians and eat only GRAIINNNSSSS!!!!! #LameApocalypses @midnight

Muslims and Christians meet at Megido for the final battle of World Cup Soccer. #LameApocalypses @midnight

Scientist works out way to make penises bigger, but it eliminates testosterone in men: big penis, no sex drive. #LameApocalypses @midnight

Turns out gluten is what’s keeping the zombiepocalypse at bay. A hippie fad starts it all. #LameApocalypses @midnight

A new fungus affects and kills all coffee beans. #LameApocalypses @midnight

George Lucas decides to remake Episode III with an all new cast and super CGI. #LameApocalypses @midnight

Jesus returns with Hitler and says, “Everyone is forgiven!” Everyone flips Jesus off and go about their lives. #LameApocalypses @midnight

CAPTION CENTRAL:

We’re all gonna die!!!!!!

BWAHAHA 10/11 – 10/17:

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 10/11 – 10/17: I’m on the road in Pittsburgh this week. Mostly bored off my ass since the techs have everything under control and I’m here only because the contract requires a project manager on site. So I sit in my hotel room on conference calls all day… staring out the window at Pittsburgh, well, at least I think it’s Pittsburgh, because it looks like the set to The Walking Dead or The Last of Us.

OTHER STUFF:

Lightning captured with cell phone camera.

If they ever make Dr. Who a woman, they’ll have to rename it to Dr. Who-Ha.

If you’re a hippie, please don’t stand in front of the fan. Now the entire room smells like B.O. and patchouli.

I brought the obligatory chocolate pudding to the season premier of #TheWalkingDead

Older woman pulling into the oil change Bay next to me almost drove into the hole. The mechanic was screaming at her.

I feel like the theme music from JAWS should be playing as this line approaches.

FoodValu, where the employees are still in high school and the customers have already purchased plots at the cemetery.

Watching the Ebola patient drive through Atlanta reminds me of the OJ Chase, except the woman’s not dead, yet.

The idiocy being said regarding Ebola is hyperEbolic! The only thing airborne is fear-mongering and ignorance: that shit’s contagious!

Critical Eye Podcast E045: Fifth Annual Halloween Show – It’s a Scary World Outside

My hotel room last night smelled of BO. I was worried it was me. Now I know it’s the housekeeper who stink. #DeodorantSavesLives

At least my hotel room has a great view of local artwork. #Pittsburgh

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS:

Tweakin’ ULY55E55 #HipHopBooks @midnight

The Drake Gatsby #HipHopBooks @midnight

Travi$ Scott Fitzgerald #HipHopBooks @midnight

Brave New World Boyz #HipHopBooks @midnight

The Soulja and the Fury #HipHopBooks @midnight

Trey Sons and Lovers #HipHopBooks @midnight

Sean Wington of the Dove #HipHopBooks @midnight

Tender is the Dizzy Wright #HipHopBooks @midnight

The Good Soulja #HipHopBooks @midnight

Lord of the Plies #HipHopBooks @midnight

The RainBow Wow #HipHopBooks @midnight

Wale Fire #HipHopBooks @midnight

Mally Malltese Falcon #HipHopBooks @midnight

Gucci Mane Street #HipHopBooks @midnight

The French Montana Lieutenant’s Woman #HipHopBooks @midnight

From Here to Eminem #HipHopBooks @midnight

The Magnififtycent Ambersons #HipHopBooks @midnight

Diary of Anne Frank Ocean #HipHopBooks @midnight

The T-Painted Bird #HipHopBooks @midnight

A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Thug Man #HipHopBooks @midnight

The Hunt for Red Café October #HipHopBooks @midnight

Stranger In a Strange Timbaland #HipHopBooks @midnight

Guilty Pleasure P #HipHopBooks @midnight

The Big Boi Sleep #HipHopBooks @midnight

Swizz Family Robinson #HipHopBooks @midnight

Hip Hop on Pop #HipHopBooks @midnight

Crapple: for all your compooting needs #RuinTechnology @midnight

Praydar: like Gaydar, but for homophobes #RuinTechnology @midnight

Sacuum Cleaner: Suck your testicles clean. #RuinTechnology @midnight

Brobots: Artificial Bromance #RuinTechnology @midnight

Hearing AIDS #RuinTechnology @midnight

Iron Lung: When you’re too tired to breathe #RuinTechnology @midnight

Penichillin: killing bacteria… one sofa at a time #RuinTechnology @midnight

Artificial Life: Facebook, Pinterest, Tumblr, Snapchat, Google+, Twitter, etc. #RuinTechnology @midnight

Scotch Tape: When you’re too drunk to hold the tumbler #RuinTechnology @midnight

Electric Blanket: When your boyfriend’s not hot enough #RuinTechnology @midnight

Nuclear Feareactor: Because the word nuclear is scary #RuinTechnology @midnight

Napalm: Self-warming lubricant #RuinTechnology @midnight

Transistors: Like a sistor, but also like a brother #RuinTechnology @midnight

Holograms: When your dealer cuts the cocaine with baking soda #RuinTechnology @midnight

Artificial Intelligence, AKA Teleprompter #RuinTechnology @midnight

Solar Cell: Even inmates deserve a little sunshine in their lives #RuinTechnology @midnight

Endorscope: Mouthwash for Ewoks #RuinTechnology @midnight

Microchip: Satan’s gateway drug #RuinTechnology @midnight

Artificial Heart: Fake feelings endorsed by sociopaths everywhere #RuinTechnology @midnight

Floppy Disc: A little Viagra and you’ve got a Hard Disk #RuinTechnology @midnight
When it lasts longer than four hours it’s a Solid State Drive

Barcodes: Don’t touch hands in the bowl of peanuts #RuinTechnology @midnight

In Vitro Fertilisation: why throw away a perfectly good turkey baster? #RuinTechnology @midnight

Superconductor Casey Jones #RuinTechnology @midnight

Cryogenics: So you can be an asshole in the future, too #RuinTechnology @midnight

Smart Swatch: Like the 80’s, but smarter #RuinTechnology @midnight

CAPTION CENTRAL:

Because fuck the homeless.

Pietrov was perplexed as to why the officer thought he stole the pumpkins.

Even trees deserve a place to sit down and relax now and then.

Dammit, outdone by the Jones’ again!

Every car should come with an emergency exit ladder.

Is anyone going to tell Carlos that his head is on fire?

Suicide clown?

Someone needs to let Dorothy know she looks like a 1960’s vagina.

“What accident? Me? I’m just sitting here smoking a cigarette.” #PersonOfInterest

BWAHAHA: 10/4 – 10/10

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 10/4 – 10/10: So this week Alabama, specifically Birmingham, shined with stupidity for all the world to see. A passenger on a flight from Chicago to Birmingham got sick on the plane… so of course it had to be EBOLA!!!!! The plane lands and the Birmingham airport shuts down while HazMat teams, Firefighters, and police officers converge on the airport. Turns out, of course, that the patient didn’t have Ebola. Well no shit, assholes! So are we now going to shut down airports at the first fucking sneeze? Or just when black men with African accents sneeze? The best part of this entire fiasco was the commentary on the news item. Scientific illiteracy in Alabama? Surely thou doth jest! Comments such as:

“Diverted to a Red State? Where was it originally supposed to go?” Clayton G.

Well Clayton, if you had this thing called reading comprehension, or you actually read the article instead of the headline, you’d notice the flight was coming into Birmingham. But your question really insinuates that, what, President Obama can just call up ATC and demand a plane with suspected Ebola go to a state that didn’t vote for him? You believe in Bigfoot, don’t you Clayton?

“Maybe we dodged the bullet on this one… maybe not.. just saying.” Kathie M

Well Kathie, what you’re actually saying is that you have no idea what “dodged a bullet means.” If the patient actually had Ebola and no one was infected and they quarantined the patient in time: that would be motherfucking dodging a bullet. And why the “just saying” at the end… what are you insinuating exactly, because I’m not sure if you know this, but we’re not fucking psychics.

“How are they SO SURE, SO FAST?!?! I’m not… I am sick of this crap!” – Jamie H.

Well Jamie, there’s this thing called a blood test that takes less than an hour to determine if Ebola is present in your blood stream. The fact that you’re not sure of a fact just means you’re not a scientist, you know, someone who actually knows what the fuck they’re talking about, and it also lets me know you’re a Republican, Creationist, and Conspiracy Theory nutter all in one meat sack. And what crap are you sick of exactly? The THREE, motherfucking THREE, cases of Ebola in the United States? I mean, damn, so many of them, no wonder you’re so sick of it!

“This is probably caused from the government itself. I mean seriously, think about it! You can’t trust them. Period.” – Amber J.

By government, you mean the government of Liberia, right? Oh, you meant the United States. So 2.8 million government employees are just casually keeping their mouths shut as they infect thousands of people in Liberia and then let them fly over to the United States to start infecting Americans. Well, if they are, at a minimum it’s a reinforcement of the inefficiency of government. The Libertarians would be proud!

Hey, the next episode of The Critical Eye Podcast has been scheduled for October 16th at 7 pm CST. Make sure you go to the web page to listen live, call in live, and chat live!

OTHER STUFF:

Regarding Ebola in Dallas: “I say we take off and nuke the entire site from orbit. It’s the only way to be sure.” – Ripley

Just laid out a schedule for a major installation and my boss says, “Make it so.” I had no choice but to reply, “Aye, Captain!”

Watching straight guys trying to pick up girls in a lesbian bar is pretty funny. #TheMoreYouKnow

The CDC announced today to be wary of, and report, any black man with an African-sounding name who sneezes. Rednecks everywhere rejoiced.

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATION:

Casino Royale With Cheese #LesserBondMovies @midnight

Dr. Nein! Nein! Nein! #LesserBondMovies @midnight

From Prussia with Love #LesserBondMovies @midnight

Goldfingerlickin’good #LesserBondMovies @midnight

Blunderball #LesserBondMovies @midnight

On His Majesty’s Secretion Service #LesserBondMovies @midnight

Blood Diamonds Are Forever #LesserBondMovies @midnight

The Funny Man with the Golden Pun #LesserBondMovies @midnight

The Spy Kids Who Loved Me #LesserBondMovies @midnight

Leafraker: Autumn on the Moon #LesserBondMovies @midnight

Four Eyes Only #LesserBondMovies @midnight

Octomompussy #LesserBondMovies @midnight

Askew to a Chill #LesserBondMovies @midnight

The Giving Gaylights #LesserBondMovies @midnight

Licence to Drive #LesserBondMovies @midnight

Dye Another Lei #LesserBondMovies @midnight

The Phantasmagoria of the Opera #SpookyBroadway @midnight

Scats #SpookyBroadway @midnight

Chicago Fire of 1871 #SpookyBroadway @midnight

Les vampyre Misérables #SpookyBroadway @midnight

A Tyrannocaurus Line #SpookyBroadway @midnight

Mummy Mia! #SpookyBroadway @midnight

Jersey Shore Boys #SpookyBroadway @midnight

Fiddler Spider on the Roof #SpookyBroadway @midnight

Hello, Porcelain Dolly! #SpookyBroadway @midnight

My Werelady #SpookyBroadway @midnight

Mary Poppin’ Eyeballs #SpookyBroadway @midnight

Avenue al’Qaeda #SpookyBroadway @midnight

Raggedy Annie #SpookyBroadway @midnight

Rock of Mages #SpookyBroadway @midnight

Tain’t Misbehavin’ #SpookyBroadway @midnight

Barefoot in the Dark #SpookyBroadway @midnight

Screamgirls #SpookyBroadway @midnight

Maim #SpookyBroadway @midnight

The Look of Whoremen #SpookyBroadway @midnight

The Seven Year Witch #SpookyBroadway @midnight

Rabies in Toyland #SpookyBroadway @midnight

Muenster Mash #CheeseSongs @midnight

Let the Gouda Times Roll #CheeseSongs @midnight

Briebird #CheeseSongs @midnight

Putting on the Swiss (on Ritz) #CheeseSongs @midnight

I Think We’re Provolone Now #CheeseSongs @midnight

Wake Me Up Before You Asiago-go #CheeseSongs @midnight

Blue Cheese Shoes #CheeseSongs @midnight

Pepper Jack & Diane #CheeseSongs @midnight

Queso Sera, Sera #CheeseSongs @midnight

It’s My Havarti and I’ll Cry If I Want To #CheeseSongs @midnight

Parmesan Sugar On Me #CheeseSongs @midnight

CAPTION CENTRAL:

Someone must have watched #IntoTheStorm.

20141008 Cell Phone Lightning Shots

Capturing lightning on a cell phone camera can be difficult. It’s about timing. Maybe there’s an app out there that does continuous shot like my SLR does, but my camera phone needs me to press the damn button every time, and there’s a few seconds between when it takes the picture and when I can take the next one. I’ve had zero success in capturing lightning on my cell phone camera every time I’ve tried.

But on October 8th we had a great storm roll in over Meridianville and just north of Moore’s Mill (Chase Valley), Alabama. The view in my back yard was amazing and the lightning was incredible! Bolts and fingers everywhere! I tapped the hell out of that button and BAM! Not only did I get one, but I got several. I’m including all the ones I got, even the mediocre ones, because I’m just too damn excited that I caught lightning on my cell phone camera! As always, you can click on the picture to see the larger image.

I got super excited when I captured this tiny little bit of lightning. If only I had known what was coming!

Oh, I captured another one! I’m so excited at this point I can barely hold the camera still! But the best was yet to come…

Hell yeah! A full bolt. Too bad it’s distorted and hard to see really well. But hey, I got one with my cell phone! But wait… there’s more!

OH HELL YEAH! I was so excited after this shot that I almost dropped my cell phone. But the surprises weren’t done.

Finger lightning coming from the East. My excitement was less dramatic by this point, but it was still awesome to see this on my cell phone screen.

This is the last lightning I captured. It’s not a full bolt, but I think the small bolts inside the cloud are gorgeous. So it’s a keeper!

BWAHAHA: 9/27 – 10/3

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 9/27 – 10/3: Did you catch the NOAA Ocean Explorer live on 9/29? If not, you missed some really cool science: cool in the sense of scientists learning new stuff and discovering new attributes to known species: all live. It was some pretty amazing stuff.

Ebola arrived in the United States this week and people reacted as expected: ignorance and fear mongering. Look, you’re ignorant of the facts, I get that, but instead of reacting in ignorance, why not pick up a fucking science book or go online to an actual science-based medical web page (in other words, not “Natural News”) and learn about how Ebola works, is transferred, what it’s carrier rate is, etc. And you’ll find that there’s no reason to panic or be afraid here in the U.S. where we have infrastructure in place. But instead, you’ll spout off stupid shit on your Facebook page, making Chimpanzees appear more intelligent than you.

Cumin and Cinnamon look too much alike. Last week my girlfriend accidentally added cinnamon to her chicken salad. This week I accidentally added cumin to my milkshake instead of cinnamon. Luckily I realized my mistake quickly and didn’t put too much in. But here’s the weird part… it actually tasted really good. So we decided to transfer the cinnamon from the store bottle to our own glass bottle. No more mistaking the two.

OTHER STUFF

I probably just mowed my grass for the last time this season… but I’ll be mowing leaves for months.

#MentionYourGirlSoNobodyStealsHer is trending. Sigh. Women are not property. Only property can be stolen. Just tell her that you love her.

Oh no, my PS3 is getting buggy and crashing. This is not allowed, because I can’t afford a PS4. C’mon technology gods, smile upon me!

CDC confirms first Ebola case in U.S.: time to go buy all the bread and milk at the grocery store.

Ebola case in Dallas, TX. Conservatives blaming illegal immigrants in 3… 2… 1…

CDC confirms Ebola in U.S.: Conservatives blaming Obama or MSNBC in 3… 2… 1…

Mother Nature has refused to give me a storm for almost a month. It’ll probably storm while I’m camping in 2 weeks; she’s mean like that.

Apparently the Rapture happened yesterday, but only black kids were taken, so no one noticed.

Regarding Ebola in Dallas: “I say we take off and nuke the entire site from orbit. It’s the only way to be sure.” – Ripley

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS

I Love Pucy #ChangeALetterRuinATVShow #1950s
The Twilight Tone #ChangeALetterRuinATVShow #1950s
Leave It to Beaner #ChangeALetterRuinATVShow #1950s
The Boy Rogers Show #ChangeALetterRuinATVShow #1950s
Sea Cunt #ChangeALetterRuinATVShow #1950s #TooSoon
This is Your Wife #ChangeALetterRuinATVShow #1950s
The Bob Dope Show #ChangeALetterRuinATVShow #1950s
The Honeymoaners #ChangeALetterRuinATVShow #1950s
The Bone Ranger #ChangeALetterRuinATVShow #1950s
Fragnet #ChangeALetterRuinATVShow #1950s
The Perry Homo Show #ChangeALetterRuinATVShow #1950s
The Hickey House Club #ChangeALetterRuinATVShow #1950s

The Beverly Pillbillies #ChangeALetterRuinATVShow #1960s
I Cream of Jeannie #ChangeALetterRuinATVShow #1960s
Stay Trek #ChangeALetterRuinATVShow #1960s
The Virginman #ChangeALetterRuinATVShow #1960s
My Three Sins #ChangeALetterRuinATVShow #1960s
Hogan’s Herpes #ChangeALetterRuinATVShow #1960s
The Bollywood Squares #ChangeALetterRuinATVShow #1960s
Fister Ed #ChangeALetterRuinATVShow #1960s
The Perv Griffin Show #ChangeALetterRuinATVShow #1960s
Thunderbards #ChangeALetterRuinATVShow #1960s

Little Mouse on the Prairie #ChangeALetterRuinATVShow #1970s
Happy Gays #ChangeALetterRuinATVShow #1970s
The Nukes of Hazzard #ChangeALetterRuinATVShow #1970s
Starsky And Butch #ChangeALetterRuinATVShow #1970s
The Six Million Hollar Man #ChangeALetterRuinATVShow #1970s
Wander Woman #ChangeALetterRuinATVShow #1970s
The Love Goat #ChangeALetterRuinATVShow #1970s
Welcome Back, Potter #ChangeALetterRuinATVShow #1970s #Hogwarts
The Incredible Bulk #ChangeALetterRuinATVShow #1970s

Dull House #ChangeALetterRuinATVShow #1980s
Poonlighting #ChangeALetterRuinATVShow #1980s
Who’s the Hoss? #ChangeALetterRuinATVShow #1980s
Males from the Crypt #ChangeALetterRuinATVShow #1980s
The B-Team #ChangeALetterRuinATVShow #1980s
Ramington Steele #ChangeALetterRuinATVShow #1980s

Mom and Jerry #ChangeALetterRuinATVShow
As The World Burns #ChangeALetterRuinATVShow
Captain Wangaroo #ChangeALetterRuinATVShow
Gays of our Lives #ChangeALetterRuinATVShow
The Flintstoned #ChangeALetterRuinATVShow
Fister Rogers’ Neighborhood #ChangeALetterRuinATVShow
The Pride is Right #ChangeALetterRuinATVShow
The Puppet Show #ChangeALetterRuinATVShow
Reading Painbow #ChangeALetterRuinATVShow

University Studios #BadThemeParks @midnight
Lush Gardens #BadThemeParks @midnight
Disney’s Ipecac Center #BadThemeParks @midnight

CAPTION CENTRAL

How police interact with black people when the police don’t have guns…

New evidence surfaces regarding the decline in polar bear numbers…