BWAHAHA: 7/12 – 7/18

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 7/12 – 7/18: All week the great storms went north and south of me. Everything that was coming my way that looked promising, petered or fizzled out. And then when it did rain… it was a boring, drippy, drizzling, fuck the sun kinda rain for 48 hours. Fuck you Mother Nature! But hey, I had two days of “fall weather” or “spring weather,” depending on one’s personal preference, so I figured why not get some yard work done! But that damn green hose was hiding in the tall green grass (tall because it’s been fucking raining for days) and gets sucked into the blades of my John Deere. And there ends my yard work. The John Deere is still sitting where it stalled and got the hose stuck in it. Why is it still sitting there? Because it’s FUCKING RAINING again! For two days fucking straight! Seriously, fuck you Mother Nature.

OTHER

Years of Tetris prepared me for packing boxes and moving trucks, but it didn’t prepare me for Alabama heat! #alwx #MissingPolarVortex

I forgot to post the pic of the “supermoon!” What was I thinking?

I’m convinced at this point that Mother Nature’s fucking with me.

I find myself torn between Weird Al’s take and Stephen Fry’s take. #FirstWorldProblems

A great way to ID trouble spots, the third world, and places no one wants to go.

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS

Mud Truck with Confederate flag in window & secret KKK symbol on bumper. Roll alongside and they’re head bopping to NWA. #DoingRacismWrong

The last time in history that this many people across the globe were talking about Germany, they were rooting against them.

Road Kill collector. #BadSummerJobs

Pool boy at a porn set. #BadSummerJobs

Gutter cleaner after a hurricane. #BadSummerJobs

Holding lightning attraction devices for research scientists in Florida. #BadSummerJobs

Riding shotgun to Reed Timmer documenting how many times he gets excited. #BadSummerJobs

The Public Relations person dealing with real life storm chasers criticizing the science after #IntoTheStorm hits theaters. #BadSummerJobs

Why do they call it “Conspiracy Thinking” when there’s no thinking involved?

Another Malaysian flight, Israel invades Gaza, ISIS being stupid in Syria & Iraq, Beiber DUI: #AlexJones must be going apeshit about now.

CAPTION CENTRAL

Found my new storm chasing pants!

WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

How many times do I need to tell you? Always be aware of your surroundings!

And so the rise of the apes starts…

Hurricane, tornado, or Godzilla?

Impervious to workplace flatulence.

30 years ago, Tina was left standing at the altar. She’s never fully recovered from that experience.

Camels make it through the eye of the needle and the rich get into Heaven. We’ll just ignore Matthew 19:24.

BWAHAHA: 2/15 – 2/21

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 2/15 – 2/21: This was actually a pretty fun week for me. I got my new speakers in (600W). I hooked them up to the PS3 and the whole house shakes when I throw a grenade. And for karaoke: one speaker for the music and mics now! The great thing is that I only have to turn the volume up to ¼ of the wattage to hear the music everywhere in the house. My neighbors are going to hate me after a while.

I finally got Last Of Us from GameFly. I was worried that it was going to be one of those stupid “smash this button to help the movie continue” games, but it’s pretty interactive. And it is a beautiful game. The graphics are amazing. It does bring up a lot of morality issues to think about in a post-apocalypse world. One thing, it definitely reinforced my view about having kids around during the Zombiepocalypse and why that’s a bad idea. Conveniently, so did Sunday’s episode of The Walking Dead. Just use kids as zombie bait.

2/15

My brain still hurts from the pseudoscientific bullshit coming spouted by the woman at the table next to mine at lunch.

Someone told me not to start what I can’t finish. Wrong, you have to leave it unfinished so the person is like, “WTF just happened?”

2/16

Ready for my Sunday dose of #pudding. #TWD

I brought chocolate #pudding to our #TWD screening.

It’s always fun to watch people get into Internet fights over subjective shit. “The TV show I like is better than the one you like!”

World’s tallest mermaid photographed off Australian coast.

I use it enough that I officially added the word “Zombiepocalypse” to my computer’s dictionary. No more red line!

2/17

I can’t wait for it to get hot again so that Fox News will conveniently stop talking about global warming. #ScienceDenyingMorons

It took over an hour conversation to decide where to eat. And then the decision was Hardee’s. #FirstWorldProblems

That awkward moment when Match.Com recommends your ex. Umm….

I’m glad you have friends, but I can’t tell which one is you in your dating site picture.

Oh look, a picture of a dog on your dating site profile! So that’s what you look like!

Really, you put a picture of you and your ex hugging on your dating profile? Maybe you should just go back to him.

Just what I wanted to see on your dating profile: a meme! That’s great! You know this isn’t Facebook, right?

2/19

A colorful map of the South that doesn’t involve snowfall? Cool! WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!!!!

What’s the matter, kitten, you don’t like a human’s ass in YOUR face?

2/20

After someone tried to hack my Facebook, I changed my password to “upyourshacker.” Oh wait… shit…

Go and buy these awesome t-shirts and help support local comedy in Huntsville, AL. (Hey, my name’s on there!)

Someone just complained that CGI made movies look like video games. Yeah, because watching puppets was better.

It gets warm for one day and the bugs are fucking like there’s no tomorrow.

Did anyone else get the memo that we’re testing Libertarianism this week by salting our own roads after the snow?

Libertarian Fire Department responds to a grass fire.

Of course the cell I’m chasing to photograph lightning goes tornadic. Of course!

2/21

If your idea requires woo to promote it, then it just might be wrong.

Sunbathing, city style.

We’re all gonna die!

Thanks to a friend’s typo, I may not be able to look at his Mom with a straight face ever again.

Thinking about changing my personalized license plate to ZOMBIE. #MidLifeCrisis

Know what I miss most about Syria? The weekend Burqa Raids at the women’s sorority houses at University.

Grandpa got busted!

Mike says Sully’s been jealous of his face since the 4th grade, but they met at Monsters University! #SpaceTimeContinuum

BWAHAHA: 8/31 – 9/6

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 8/31 – 9/6: I spent the weekend at DragonCon. I really need to write a “what I learned at DragonCon” article, but I’ll probably be too lazy to fucking do it. Don’t forget that I’ll be performing 9/13 at the Homegrown Comedy Show taking place at the Flying Monkey Arts Center in Huntsville, Alabama. The show starts at 8 PM and is only $7 at the door. Oh yeah, and you can bring your own booze!

9/1

Professor Elemental is one of the nicest Brits I’ve ever met. ;)

9/2

Half of Dragoncon is spent on, “Let’s talk about what we’re gonna do.”

The sharks did the best acting in Sharknado.

Best part of Sharknado was changing the channel to the James Franco roast.

9/3

Just dawned on me that one way to end childhood cancer is to stop having children.

My doctor just diagnosed me with ovarian cancer. Either I need a new doctor or he’s suggesting I need to dump my girlfriend.

My body is like, “You know all that horrible food you ate at DragonCon? Yeah, let’s get rid of all of it in the next hour.”

A well-known singer/group doing half-assed versions of their hits while surrounded by choreographed dancers. #SuperBowlPrediction

9/4

Really? We’re bringing up Benghazi? Will someone cancel the Republitards prescription of Benghazi Viagra.

Why doesn’t Facebook have a relationship status of “Fuck It?”

9/5

Whenever I find myself in agreement with Republicans I have to ask myself, “Okay, where did I get my facts wrong?”

Quoth the Ravens, “Nevermore shall we come out on the field late!”

9/6

Idiot in Alabama, “I don’t think it was a chemical attack. I think it was a pesticide attack.” Umm… what’s pesticide?

BWAHAHA: 8/24 – 8/30

BWAHAHA: 8/24 – 8/30 – I spent a lot of time getting ready for DragonCon and then going to DragonCon, so very slow week for me. Don’t forget that I’ll be performing 9/13 at the Homegrown Comedy Show taking place at the Flying Monkey Arts Center in Huntsville, Alabama. The show starts at 8 PM and is only $7 at the door. Oh yeah, and you can bring your own booze!

8/25

* Did you hear about the new Scientology show on the SyFy channel? It’s called Xenu: Warrior Princess.

8/26

* That I didn’t know 75% of the presenters, nominees, winners, and performers in the #VMA is probably a good thing.

* I’m willing to bet that an oral surgeon could probably fix Miley Cyrus’ tongue problem. #VMA

* Why does MTV still have the #VMA? Shouldn’t they have the Reality TV Awards?

* I admit it, I love watching #GirlCode on #MTV. It’s horribly sexist, but deliciously sexist, so that’s cool.

* #TeenMom: “Why is it so hard to ask someone to love me?” Well, 1) you don’t ask for love, and 2) you’re crazy.

* Hair 3.14 #BadStripClubNames

* Arby’s All-You-Can-Eat Roast Beef Buffet #BadStripClubNames

* The Naked Women On a Pole Who Trick You Into Spending All Your Money Club #BadStripClubNames

* The Burqa Bizarre #BadStripClubNames

* An anti-vaccination MegaChurch has been identified as the source of a Measles outbreak. I’ll just post the genius of Penn & Teller on this issue:

* Final details of my DragonCon outfit coming together!

Getting my DragonCon costume finished. Name that movie!

8/27

* After contemplation, the White House seems be getting Syrias.

* Told a friend I was going to DragonCon and she asks, “Why are you going to a drag queen convention?”

8/28

* I’d rather have a Benevolent Dictatorship than Democracy: in a Democracy, stupid people put Republicans in charge.

* Seems to me one way of #AdvancingTheDream is to vote out Republicans.

* This Time We’re Syrias #NameObamasNewWar

* Packing for #DragonCon: realized I don’t need clothes – just costumes, underwear, and alcohol.

* I posted all 137 variations of the meme that was created with a picture of me and my license plate. Some of them are pretty funny, others were done by Christians trying to be funny, but just being pathetic.

* Hey! That’s me in the Huntsville Times!

* The denial of an atheist license plate in New Jersey to David Silverman (President of American Atheists) generated some press down here in Alabama.

8/29

* On the way to DragonCon and being stupid in the car. Lots of great looks from people passing by.

Just being silly during the drive to DragonCon. I felt compelled to do a little head-banging to the music on the radio. Photo by Will Thompson.

This week on Twitter (5/25 – 5/31)

This week on Twitter (5/25 – 5/31): Only two more months to go to get caught up! You know you love it!

5/26

It’s Sunday on the mountain, which means we’re playing Tim Minchin at a high volume for all the camping believers.

For all the misbehaved children in the world, there are not enough machete-wielding Muslims.

5/27

Either that’s a bird call I’ve never heard or someone is fucking in their tent.

On this Memorial Day, find a vet and have consensual sex with them. You may just prevent a suicide. Did I mention I’m a Navy vet?

I feel human again. But I still wouldn’t recommend feeding me through the bars.

The great thing about being bipolar is convincing women they’re dating twins.

Only half of me is offended at bipolar jokes. My other half doesn’t know he’s bipolar.

5/28

Now that we can send weapons to Syria, I nominate Chuck Norris.

5/29

Conservatives will miss Marcus Bachmann: he gave ’em permission to pretend to be straight.

5/30

Shakespeare is #BadShakespeare.

#TypesOfRelationships : agoraphobic, where you’re afraid to pull out.