This week on Twitter (7/20 – 7/26)

This week on Twitter (7/20 – 7/26): My attempt to be funny on Twitter from the last week.

7/22

Trying to think of a joke for the new baby, then I realized a country celebrating the birth of a future king is its own joke.

It’s ironic that the state most closely resembling the word vagina has a man who wants to ban the eating of vagina.

7/23

America needs a monarchy. Someone to rule us by birth instead of skill. Ummm….

Today’s #USAToday headline “The People’s Prince.” Here it’s the People’s Constitution: you’re not the “UK Today.”

The royal baby is a royal pain in the ass!

Remember when hardwood floors indicated you were poor and couldn’t afford carpet?

When I was a kid I thought sexism was the religion of sex. Is it too late to change it to that?

I was going to join uniformdating.com but found out that prison uniforms don’t count.

7/24

On my way to Dallas. Yeehaw! Gov. Perry probably has an APB for me.

Driving in Texas without A/C is like going into a whorehouse without a condom: you’re going to feel a burning sensation.

#AnthonyWeiner is not dropping out of the mayoral race and will keep it up.
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Texas should just redo their state motto to, “Don’t Mess With Jesus.”

Ten years ago I started the Veterans of Domestic Wars. I still don’t have any members. I can’t figure out what I’m doing wrong.

7/25

#Smurfs2 did something completely different with Naughty Smurf from what I had in mind.

Every time I see a casino advertising “Loose Slots” I think, “Wow, when did they legalize prostitution here?”

Anyone else notice that the female reproductive tract looks like the Texas Longhorn icon? There’s a bull-riding joke there somewhere.

I have an amazing tan on my left arm.

Every time I masturbate a voice in my head says, “I felt a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced.”

So now that #HotPockets are new & improved, how is that going to affect #JimGaffigan?

Cleaning up the mess at SFO: #ProjectRunway

Young black men should throw goofy “scared white folks” into a confused state: dress in nothing but overalls for a month.

My 9th Grade Psychic Power

So the other day I was going through my old poems (I haven’t written in years) and stumbled upon a poem I wrote in 1986 called “Circle of Light.” It struck me as funny second line in the third stanza. Here is the poem in its entirety:

Circle Of Light

Circle of light flies high
glowing aura touches ground
eyes of moon on land spies
awaiting death from ominous sound

Lips of man cringe in pain
yellow flowers bloom ’round
eyes of blue, turn red insane
ethics, morals, none be found

Hot blood flows through and through
stalking through Le ‘Ole Bayou
lobes of large searching sound
a savior, a knight, not be found

Movement within, jump of an arm
soul of victim bounce and pound
old men speak of chicken farms
fear from people, villages, towns

Circle of light flies high
kin of hound, ominous sound
stalking the swamp, prey tonight
people’s fear, rid this town

Le ‘Ole Bayou? Really? So my unknown psychic powers either predicted True Blood or Duck Dynasty. Take that Nostradamus!

This week on Twitter (7/13 – 7/19)

This week on Twitter (7/13 – 7/19): All caught up!

7/13

I think it’s convenient that churches and banks are named the same: First Bank and First Baptist. Peas in a pod!

After Zimmerman’s acquittal he went to the 7/11 and bought some Skittles.

Now that the Zimmerman trial is over, can we get some news on Iraq, Afghanistan, and everything else?

The Zimmerman jury stood its ground against justice or the prosecution didn’t stand its ground against reasonable doubt.

If I ever get in trouble with the law, I’m going to request a court martial, because my peers are fucking stupid.

7/14

On my way to Monroe, Louisiana. All my shots and immunizations are up-to-date, so I should be okay.

7/15

Next season of Glee may actually be worth watching.

Apparently this (Monroe, LA) is the home of Duck Dynasty. Well, that explains a lot.

#NameYourVaginaAfterASong Blasphemous Rumours (by Depeche Mode).

#NameYourVaginaAfterASong The Red (by Chevelle), well, at least once a month.

7/16

I’m surprised Monteith didn’t die of a Glee overdose.

I’d do heroine and alcohol until I died if I was 31-years-old and playing a 17-year-old high school kid.

I hear George Zimmerman just created an account on blackpeoplemeet.com. Anyone know if that’s true?

7/17

The preacher up the street souled out to the highest bidder.

7/18

Call it blasphemy, but I follow the facts: the Burger King rib sandwich is better than the McRib.

7/19

All my dreams last night involved me getting shot, stabbed, run over, in wrecks, falling, beat up, etc. Guess I should have drank more.

You’re beautiful #MarcusBachmann! #NationalTellAGirlSheIsBeautifulDay

#SexIsReallyGoodWhen you’re still cleaning the tapioca out three days later.

I celebrate #NationalTellAGirlSheIsBeautifulDay by staying inside because I’m not big on giving compliments.

Is it a coincidence that #NationalTellAGirlSheIsBeautifulDay also happens to be #NationalCheesyPickupLineDay ?

I need a massage so bad that I’ll even take one without a happy ending or even accept one from a dude.

Best trick of the Republicans: going so far right that the left is now Goldwater Republicans. Well played!

I bought carpenter jeans. They so soft and roomy! And now I can turn water into wine. Weird.

Maybe Zimmerman is a homophobe and just couldn’t handle Travyon tasting the rainbow…

Let’s fuck with liberals and conservatives at the same time: drone kill Zimmerman.

This week on Twitter (7/6 – 7/12)

This week on Twitter (7/6 – 7/12): Not much longer and I’ll be all caught up!

7/6

The problem with religion is that the shepherd is also the wolf.

SFO stood its ground and crashed a 777, apparently it had a bag of Skittles. Wait.. I’m getting my news feed confused.

I’m waiting for the flood of Asian driver jokes. #Boeing777 #SFO

Having been in a place crash: to the survivors, I recommend a massage tomorrow. Seriously.

The problem with crashing #Asiana is that you feel like crashing again a few hours later.

Someone got a shitty fortune cookie today.

7/8

Redneck girls fighting Cuban-American girls on South Beach while wearing bikinis. #PricelessMiami

7/9

I’m a gamer. Don’t fight it. Grab my joystick and let’s play! #MessageToMyFutureSpouse

When I’m an asshole, it’s not your fault: it’s your Mom’s fault. #MessageToMyFutureSpouse

7/10

Thousands of ants in my car. They found an unopened butterscotch disc. Wish my smell was that good.

The Gregorian Gringo! #LessPopularWrestlers

Sir Hits-A-Lot! #LessPopularWrestlers

Chewie Kardashian! #LessPopularWrestlers

Big Bad Voodoo Daddy: he only has one hit. #LessPopularWrestlers

The lobbying power that metal coat hanger corporations have over the #GOP continues to amaze me!

7/11

Going to Monroe, Louisiana next week. That’s the comedy HQ of Louisiana, right?

LEGO Girls Gone Wild #RejectedLegoKits

LEGO Zimmerman Trial #RejectedLegoKits

LEGO Rodney King & the LA Riots #RejectedLegoKits

LEGO Tora Bora #RejectedLegoKits

LEGO Last Temptation of Christ #RejectedLegoKits

LEGO Strippers Vs Zombies #RejectedLegoKits

LEGO Hannibal Lecter #RejectedLegoKits

LEGO Custer’s Last Stand #RejectedLegoKits

LEGO Auschwitz #RejectedLegoKits #TooSoon

LEGO Terrorist Training Camp #RejectedLegoKits

LEGO Spanish Inquisition #RejectedLegoKits

LEGO Exxon Valdez! #RejectedLegoKits

There’s the rain and… wait… wait… ah, there they are: the sirens of fire trucks, police, and medics.

7/12

I’ll be lubricating all my mail from now on.

While trimming the trees I had so many bugs on me that I felt like one of those kids in a UNICEF commercial.

You know, all things considered, the Asiana Airline crash had a happy ending.

This week on Twitter (6/29 – 7/5)

This week on Twitter (6/29 – 7/5)

6/30

Getting whiffs of marijuana while sitting at my desk. Either someone’s smoking tons near my house or I’m having a frontal lobe seizure.

#BETAwardsPreShow, all these posts about B. Scott are really confusing me.

#BETAwardsPreShow, they just gave #KanyeWest his own microphone this year.

OMG, why didn’t someone tell me that Deb killed LaGuerta!?!?!?!

7/1

Teabaggers are happy today: Obama went back to Africa. I don’t have the heart to tell them he’s coming back.

I can’t tell if #summerknights is a new song or a code letting the Klan know they can wear short-sleeve robes.

7/2

#IfMyMomHadATwitter she’d never use it, because she could never talk in less than 140 characters.

#TheSecretToLifeIs laughing at the size of your penis instead of crying over it.

Technically speaking, a log cabin is a treehouse.

7/4

My friend is stuck at the Sheremetyevo Airport. Apparently there was a blizzard because the airport is #Snowden.

Anyone else heard that new Bangles’ song, “Coup Like An Egyptian?”

Apparently the Egyptians don’t like The Smiths, as they just kicked #Morsi out.

Celebrating July 4th by kicking a Native American in the balls. Just feels like the right thing to do.

Apparently, fans of The Smiths have decided to fight back and get #Morsi back into Egypt.