BWAHAHA 1/31 – 2/6

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 1/31 – 2/6: Mostly a boring week for me. I have no car since my windshield is still shattered from the basketball goal that fell on it, so I’m a captive in my own home. But since I don’t have any money thanks to a giant electric bill, that’s probably a good thing. Hey, at least I’m kicking ass on Skyrim (playing from scratch for the tenth time).

I’m still disappointed in the Seahawks’ Super Bowl loss. I don’t care how many times the coach explains why he chose to throw the ball, it was still a bad call when you had at least one more down (barring any penalties on the Pat’s side) to try to get Marshawn (or at least a QB sneak) that one fucking yard! What’s done is done, sure, but fuck the Patriots.

OTHER STUFF:

• Coming down from the DJ booth, I missed the last step and fell. I’m so gonna feel it in the morning. #ClubLife

• 

  Google finally has a an up-to-date pic of my house (fire pit & Rondo visible). But WTF is that shiny shit?

• If you’re a Christian, shouldn’t you support gay marriage? After all, the more gay couples getting married, the sooner Jesus will come back!
• More people are flying their own drones, so UFO reports should go up. And a UFO report is just admitting your inability to ID the common. Like this drone, it’s sure to get some UFO reports.
• Feeling brave? I can legally perform marriages in the state of Alabama.

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS:

• I’m in a room full of 13 men all hoping for a Katy Perry wardrobe malfunction. #SB49
• Katy Perry is wearing a flaming Hunger Games dress. #SB49 #HalftimeShow
• Those Beach balls are not deflated. #SB49 #HalftimeShow
• When did Missy Elliott become a NASCAR driver? #SB49 #HalftimeShow
• Wow, look at all those blue balls on the field. #SB49 #HalftimeShow
• Man that sucks, but at least we got a UFC fight at the end. #SB49
• There is only one question I have. #WhyDidTheyThrowTheBall

@MIDNIGHT #HASSHTAGWARS:

• Alabama jumped from 49th to 50th dumbest state #BecauseIDied @midnight
• @midnight ‪#‎BecauseIDied‬ I got a huge break on my carbon credits.
• @midnight ‪#‎BecauseIDied‬ I’ll never see all of the Internet.
• @midnight ‪#‎BecauseIDied‬ the cats only survived for three more weeks.
• @midnight ‪#‎BecauseIDied‬ the Seattle Seahawks won the Super Bowl. Oh wait, I’m still alive.
• @midnight ‪#‎BecauseIDied‬ the 2016 Republican Presidential candidate will win by one vote.
• @midnight ‪#‎BecauseIDied‬ Jesus was like, “Screw it, make ’em wait another 2,000+ years.”
• @midnight ‪#‎BecauseIDied‬ God became an atheist.
• @midnight ‪#‎BecauseIDied‬ the Cult of Namira had a week-long banquet. ‪#‎Skyrim‬
• @midnight ‪#‎BecauseIDied‬ I didn’t see Martial Law declared so that Obama could have a Third Term.
• @midnight ‪#‎BecauseIDied‬ my guns are now in less-responsible hands: the police.
• @midnight ‪#‎BecauseIDied‬ everyone attending my funeral has to listen to Enjoy the Silence by Depeche Mode (ironically) for two hours on loop.
• @midnight ‪#‎BecauseIDied‬ I won’t see Star Wars XLIX: Red Zone Force
• @midnight ‪#‎BecauseIDied‬ I can now haunt Fred Phelps with taunts of “God hates nags.”
• @midnight ‪#‎BecauseIDied‬ I found Waldo and Carmen Sandiego: they’re sitting next to me in Hell.

CAPTION CENTRAL:

• 

  1. The 1 driver you’ll let cut you off. 2. The 1 driver you don’t want to have road rage. 3. He can run a red light.

• 

  And here I was thinking the Fast & Furious series CGI’d all their stunts.

• 

  Ever since re-releasing GTA5 on PS4, shit like this has started again. GTA5 or Real Life?

BWAHAHA 12/20 – 12/26:

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 12/20 – 12/26: My GF stumbled upon one of the best written articles I’ve ever seen written about white privilege for white people – by a white person. Remember, privilege isn’t an insult or a bad word. What’s important is that you recognize that you have it and more importantly, that others do not have it (be that white, male, class, etc). Read the article HERE.

So this week was Christmas. I’m one of those atheists who celebrates Christmas. Why? Because no one goes to the mall to sit on Jesus’ lap, that’s why. So what’d you get for Christmas? My friends and my GF got me a lot of stuff I’ll need for the Zombiepocalypse (or camping) and plenty of vaping stuff. I got a tactical vest, tactical leg pouch, 9-in-1 shovel (it comes with a fucking bayonet!), 35-LED light stick, three 10-LED head lamps, camp stove, Aspire Atlantis tank (and five replacement coils), a gift certificate to Professor Vapes (located in Madison, AL), a full body massage at the Chinese Massage place in Huntsville, and a new cutlery set for my kitchen. I did pretty damn good this Christmas!

My friends and I watched The Interview this week (no spoilers, I promise). There were some pretty good laughs throughout the movie. If you are one of my fellow liberals who was worried about a movie showing an assassination of a sitting leader, you should actually watch the movie. It’s not what you expect. I won’t spoil it, just watch it and stop jumping to the wrong conclusions. The Interview has tons of in-your-face and hidden social commentary about diplomacy, foreign policy, media, etc. The Interview is social commentary wrapped in comedy and slapstick. Don’t let the terrorists win! Watch The Interview!

I did get to do a little bit of storm chasing this week, but Alabama proved to be frustrating as always when it comes to chasing storms. At least I got to test out the new AcuRite. It’s designed to mount in your backyard, but I mounted it on the roof of my car. Worked like a champ! Thanks AcuRite!

OTHER STUFF:

• Out and about and I left my wallet at home. Guess I’m not eating or accomplishing anything. #EarlyAlzheimers
• Thanks to Old Time Pottery, I have more glitter on me than Tinker Bell.
• Some Christmas music I actually like!
• Chasing in Alabama is frustrating. If the cell doesn’t dissipate, trees block the view or farmer John holds up traffic.
• Something to do on the next camping trip… and by trip… I mean acid trip.
• Normally we go eat Chinese buffet on Christmas Day with friends. But we found out that Indian Palace is open today! Yep, that trumps Chinese!

• 

  Who ordered the rain donut?

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS:

• Tripster: a hipster in training.
• Mutant: someone who participates in a mutiny.
• Kumquats are amazing. It’s like a pear and a tangerine had sex.
• At Joe Cocker’s funeral, you can leave your hat on. #RIPJoeCocker
• Thanks to smart phones, awkward silences aren’t that awkward anymore.

CAPTION CENTRAL:

• 

  I can’t tell… is she keeping his hand warm or is he keeping her butt warm? Or is it more a symbiotic relationship?

• 

  Do you even hack, bro?!?!

• 

  Stand back! I’m about to try a physics experiment!

BWAHAHA 10/18 – 10/24:

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 10/18 – 10/24: I spent all week in Pittsburgh, PA, mostly bored out of my mind. What kills me is not that I had to go there, but that my being there didn’t accomplish a damn thing. The facility didn’t get their side done and we didn’t get the job completed because of it – so now my ass has to travel back to Pittsburgh for a third fucking week. On the bright side, I found an amazing Vanilla flavor for my Vape! Vanilla Pseudo Custard from VapePGH Inc in Pittsburgh is the best vanilla flavored vape juice I have ever tried. It’s very close to a vanilla creamer and it’s awesomely smooth.

Why do we only use orange pumpkins for Halloween and for carving? And how in the fuck did I go through 43 years of life without ever knowing that there were different kinds, varieties and species of pumpkins? Thanks to some random fruit stand in Tennessee, I now know about all sorts of awesome pumpkin species that are much creepier looking than the plane-Jane orange variety we get at our grocery stores. Black, green, brown, grey, blue, red, and tons of swirls and patterns and weird growths, all make for some amazing pumpkins out there. We bought a Marina de Chioggia and White Boer to bring home with us. The Marina de Chioggia is just really creepy looking. I’ll throw a picture of the two pumpkins we bought below in “Other Stuff.”

On November 17th, comedian Carlos Valencia is coming to Huntsville, Alabama! The show is free and you should definitely come out and see Carlos. Carlos is fucking brilliant. Opening for Carlos is myself, Nate Bailie, Tom Hand, and Jonathan Craig with host Matthew Tate.

 

OTHER STUFF:

New tag arrived today! Ready for the 2015 storm season!

Need to plunder something. Yes, bartender, I’ll take a Me & Coke, please.

Enjoying some Captain and vape! #ForeverVaping

The Marina de Chioggia (top) and White Boer (bottom) pumpkins.

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATION:

Shorten the season, no more series games, five innings, add tackling, and let women play. #ImprovedBaseball @midnight

Replace the baseball with a Golden Snitch #ImprovedBaseball @midnight

No more delaying or postponing games for severe weather. Lightning is just Mother Nature yelling “You’re OUT!” #ImprovedBaseball @midnight

To steal a base you have to actually take the base with you. Tagging a player out is then called a petty theft. #ImprovedBaseball @midnight

Replace stadiums with a living room and a PS4. #ImprovedBaseball @midnight

Extend football season, get rid of baseball. #ImprovedBaseball @midnight

Whiffle Ball! #ImprovedBaseball @midnight

The catcher has to stand in a small plot of Rye. #ImprovedBaseball @midnight

The outfielders have to take a vacation far away with Josie. #ImprovedBaseball @midnight

Take Me Out to the Ball Game replaced by Row Row Row Your Boat. #ImprovedBaseball @midnight

#IfICouldTimeTravel I’d talk Hitler out of having a mustache. Maybe a goatee instead. @midnight

#IfICouldTimeTravel I’d teach Neal Armstrong how to moonwalk so he could do it on the moon. @midnight

#IfICouldTimeTravel I’d get in a lifeboat and steal Rose’s necklace after Jack drowns. @midnight

#IfICouldTimeTravel I’d find the mammal that survied the meteor impact 65 million years ago and kill it. @midnight

#IfICouldTimeTravel I’d get Emperor Xuanzong to yell “KAAAAHHHHHNNNNNNNN!” just as Ghengis entered the gates of Caizhou. @midnight

#IfICouldTimeTravel I’d change the books to call him Alexander the Okay. @midnight

#IfICouldTimeTravel I’d give jet engine technology to America in 1939. #FoxOne #SplashZero @midnight

#IfICouldTimeTravel I’d convince Mr. and Mrs. Black to get an abortion… on Friday. @midnight

#IfICouldTimeTravel I’d convert Jesus to Hare Krishna. Then handing out flowers at the airport would be normal. @midnight

#IfICouldTimeTravel I’d convince Monica to wear a red dress instead. @midnight

#IfICouldTimeTravel I wouldn’t change a thing. I’d just eat popcorn and enjoy the stupid humans show. @midnight

Jesus comes back and pulls an Oprah, “You get to live! You get to live! And you get to live! #LameApocalypses @midnight

The llama population skyrockets out of control, they eat all the vegetation. It’s the Llamapocalypse #LameApocalypses @midnight

The alien accidentally drops the snow globe containing our universe. #LameApocalypses @midnight

God farts again and a new universe is created inside our universe. Turns out physicists, it’s a flatuverse. #LameApocalypses @midnight

Zombies arrive, but they’re vegetarians and eat only GRAIINNNSSSS!!!!! #LameApocalypses @midnight

Muslims and Christians meet at Megido for the final battle of World Cup Soccer. #LameApocalypses @midnight

Scientist works out way to make penises bigger, but it eliminates testosterone in men: big penis, no sex drive. #LameApocalypses @midnight

Turns out gluten is what’s keeping the zombiepocalypse at bay. A hippie fad starts it all. #LameApocalypses @midnight

A new fungus affects and kills all coffee beans. #LameApocalypses @midnight

George Lucas decides to remake Episode III with an all new cast and super CGI. #LameApocalypses @midnight

Jesus returns with Hitler and says, “Everyone is forgiven!” Everyone flips Jesus off and go about their lives. #LameApocalypses @midnight

CAPTION CENTRAL:

We’re all gonna die!!!!!!

BWAHAHA: 5/31 – 6/6

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 5/31 – 6/6: I’m trying a new format this week to see how I like it. Instead of listing everything by the day I posted it, I’m combining all the captioned pictures, twitter jokes, and “other” into separate categories. Let’s see how this looks and goes. I’m digging the captioning already instead of the words above the pictures.

I participated in the Alright Bayou Comedy Show on 6/6 and had a great time. Thanks to comedians Matthew Tate and Nate Bailie for the invite and hosting. For more information about shows, open mics, and other comedy stuff in the Huntsville area, check out hsvcomedy.com!

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OTHER STUFF (Yeah, OTHER goes before everything else)

Check out my new article on the Rocket-Wrangler, Area Storm Chasers Disappointed by Severe Weather Season

The newest episode of The Critical Eye Podcast, with guest comedian Ian Harris, is now available in the archive. E044: Republicans, Racists, and Teabaggers; Oh My!

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS

The scariest part of #Maleficent was the teaser for the new #Cinderella movie being released in 2015.

Headline: “Pakistani police probed for being ‘silent spectators’ in stoning death.”
I hope they mean the “probed” I’m thinking of.

Alabamians voted today, once again proving how stupid they are.

Someone do a mash up of Pet Shop Boys’ “Opportunities” and Blood Hound Gang’s “Bad Touch.” It’ll be awesome!

Thanks to a flat tire at midnight in Atlanta, I now have $6 until payday. Hey, if McDonald’s employees can do it…

This was me in 1953: ____
#TBT Before I was born, I was nothing and I didn’t notice, and so it shall be when I die.

I was thinking Obama should have traded weapons for the hostage, then I remembered Reagan already gave the Taliban weapons. #GOPocrisy

CAPTION CENTRAL

Wanna prove you’re rich in China on dating profile sites? Show that you can purchase McDonald’s french fries!

He’s not just selling vegetables, he’s promoting #SouthernEducation.

And on this day, Tommy began going through puberty.

Remember to always be aware of your surroundings. #LifeLessons

Does this count as a selfie? #ClubSexting

Grandpa is so busted! Just because you have earbuds in, doesn’t mean the world actually goes away.

“Hey Aziz, I’m beginning to like this Great Satan. How about you?”

Tonight on ESPN, the Wonderful World of Balletsketball!

Wasatch School District (Utah) announces new girl’s dress code for the 2014/15 school year.

Turning water into wine was no biggie, but Jesus couldn’t turn water into beer. Jesus still has to do beer runs.

He’s gonna get a parking ticket!

Ever since Bane went all artistic, he just isn’t as threatening.

Here we see a child being trained in the ways of FOX News.

Papa’s got a brand new bag!

The Teletubbies, now 17-years-old, being all douchey and hipstery.

Another friendly reminder to be aware of your surroundings.

BWAHAHA: 3/8 – 3/14

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 3/8 – 3/14: Mother Nature was crazy this week down here in Alabama. In a 24-hour period I went from Air Conditioning to Heater and then back to Air Conditioning. Someone needs to punch Mother Nature in the ovaries.

3/8

Fuck it, it’s insured. Right? Wait, what do you mean it’s not insured!?!?!?!

BLR 1:21; “Blair standeth at the pulpit with waving hands, he proclaimeth aloud, “Let there be cheese dip for all!

3/9

I was on Burn The Boats talking about comedy and the Huntsville scene!

3/10

Consensus seems to be that the mating season should be in the Fall. So what would the human mating call be? I think (for men (and some women) it’ll be more like Peacocking: Spreading out they money in your wallet, fanning it out, and waving it around, while strutting in your finest clothes around your BMW.

You know, the more I think about, the more pissed I am that no one got me a Labia Menorah for Hanukkah!

3/11

Might want to see a doctor about that explosive ass of yours. Doctor visit is likely cheaper than all those patches.

Training young Republicans to participate in American healthcare…

“He’s got the whole world, in his jazz hands!”

In honor of #Cosmos, check out The Critical Eye Podcast we did with Neil deGrasse Tyson!

3/12

One thing the Malaysian crash has taught us: if we ever go to war with Malaysia, they’ll never find our submarines.

Seductive Delusions: How Everyday People Catch STDs, by Jill Grimes #SpringBreakBooks

Wow… the wind here is blowing harder than Snookie!

A hospital is not being “put to the test” when they are treating three patients. Stupid journalists.

And she wonders why she’s still single… #Housekeeping

New Libertarian dentist office.

Humans… the other white meat.

Don Lemon has never seen anything like this (#HarlemExplosion)? Really? Umm… 9/11 anyone?

Pinkies up!

Oh yeah! #TWD birthday!

3/13

1988 like a MOFO! I miss that outfit. #TBT

Used to get blue: now depression, sad: now bipolar, excited: now ADHD, jock itch: oh, still jock itch.

I wonder if anyone stuffed her ballot box? On a serious note, what were her parents thinking?

3/14

To celebrate Pi day, I’m going to eat cake. Because fuck math.