This week on Twitter (4/5 – 4/12)

This week’s attempt to be funny on Twitter from 4/5 to 4/12 (posted in order of Tweets). I have to admit I had a really slow week because I was fucking lazy. I really only made an effort one day.

4/7

Church in theater… lady behind me in line says, “I’m beginning to think Jesus was a used car salesman.”

4/8

Mudslide derails Amtrak train: no one waiting at the next stop notices the train is late.

3yo girl killed by garage door: prosecutors say door showing no signs of remorse.

I’m going to NYC next weekend to eat at restaurants. Why? Because I like playing Russian Roulette.

Mexican Gray Wolf making a comeback in US. So much for the efficiency of the Minutemen!

Iran, Syria, N. Korea block global treaty to control arms trade. Why does their vote even count? Only adults should vote.

IKEA halts moose lasagna sales after finding pork in it. Whew! I thought they were going to say horse!

I wanted to get my shirt in Manatee Grey, but apparently Target no longer offers that choice.

If Jay-Z and Beyoncé get to go to Cuba, we all get to go to Cuba, It’ll be anarchy! (*all hail Breakfast Club)

Margaret Thatcher dead. The “Iron Lady” has rusted. Your What? Tin roof. Rusted.

I bet Lena Headey (GoT Cersei Lannister) could solve her financial problems by asking geeks to send her $1.

Mufasa married Simba to keep Scar from inheriting the throne. Damn you gay marriage!

Sirens everywhere: so either a bad wreck or a meth lab blew up. Yep, those are your Alabama odds.

4/9

Roman Colosseum. #ClassicSportsVenue

When the referree called foul on the Christian for cutting off the lion’s leg. #WorstSportsCall

This week on Twitter (2/22 – 3/1)

This week’s attempt to be funny on Twitter from 2/22 to 3/1 (posted in order of Tweets).

2/22:

Bukakke Balls #RejectedCereals

Necrophiliabits #RejectedCereals

Cumquats #RejectedCereals

Dino Dongs #RejectedCereals

Dexter Splatter Bits #RejectedCereals

Too Good for Ethiopians #RejectedCereals

Rusty Wagon Wheels #RejectedCereals @ThatKevinSmith @RalphGarman

Rice KKKrispies #RejectedCereals

Bear Naked #RejectedCereals … oh wait, Kashi actually used that. Silly Kashi.

5/23:

The psych profiles of everyone in the laundromat lead me to one conclusion: I’m on the set of Winnie the Pooh.

If we are so opposed to eating horse meat, then why do we say, “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse?”

christianmingle: boring women, hindumingle: Kama Sutra site, jewmingle: international banking, muslimmingle: blend in then press the button

5/24:

#Daytona500 making rednecks redneckier since 1959. Well, at least it teaches them one shape from geometry.

#YouDidntStartFromTheBottomIf your shit rolled down hill at all.

#YouDidntStartFromTheBottomIf you ever ate a Puddin’ Pop.

#YouDidntStartFromTheBottomIf your family had a color television before 1972.

Hollywood version of the Red Tent? #redcarpet

Thank you #Oscars2013 for letting me know which movies I won’t like and won’t watch!

Wait? Why isn’t #curbstomp trending after #TheWalkingDead?

5/26:

Trending on Twitter: #ThingsGirlsLike. Oh, that should go over like a 9-year-old cunt joke!

5/27:

Finished writing my new bits: New Gas Oven, Pink Palace, and Stinky Simon. Try them tonight at Coppertopia Comedy!

She’s on a mission to figure out why a few African-Americans actually support the Republican Party: on the next #DonnaBrazileMysteries

Yay! My Internet is back up! Mediacom works in mysterious ways, so says their manual, chapter 7, verses 5-6. Amen!

5/28:

I love that my new E-Cig flavor allows me to say, “I’m sucking on Vanilla Ice.”

Alright, who forgot to put milk on the list! #Budget2013

Veggies? We don’t need no veggies! Let’s just keep buying giant steaks! #Budget2013 #DefenseSpending

3/1:

Okay Facebook, just because I’m in a relationship doesn’t mean you can start advertising engagement rings on my page. Sheesh!

Pat Robertson has convinced me to stop buying used panties from Japan: they may have demons in them. #BatShitCrazyPeople