BWAHAHA: 8/2 – 8/8

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 8/2 – 8/8: Well this week was horrible for my normal job, but at least I finally resolved the problems by the end of the week and was able to enjoy my weekend: date night with my girlfriend, got to see a play (Bare), games with friends, mowing the lawn (I consider that a relaxing event since I ride a John Deere mower), and playing some Skyrim. We saw Into the Storm, the new tornado disaster movie (yes, I wore my Alabama Storm Chasers t-shirt). I wrote a review of the movie after seeing what I thought was some unfair criticism of the film. There’s plenty of legitimate criticisms of the film, there’s no reason to get unfair on it.

Okay, seriously, if you do not know the answer to something, then do not guess or make shit up. I read 76 comments of people guessing at what a spider was (pic posted by someone on a Facebook group) and only one guessed sort of right. Unfortunately, I’m not in the group, so I could not give this person the right answer. The spider was nephila clavipes and they are gorgeous (seriously, do a Google search for nephila clavipes). Oh, and what you call a banana spider IS NOT A FUCKING BANANA SPIDER! UGH! (BTW, this is an actual “banana spider:” Phoneutria fera)

OTHER STUFF

I hate when people guess when they don’t know. Just say, “I don’t know.” It’s OK. “I don’t know” is often a precursor to “Let’s find out!”

I made the mistake of wearing black to pick up the dog from the groomers. Now I have more hair than the dog.

The Happy Mondays were playing in the theater bathroom. The Happy Mondays! On the radio! In Huntsville, AL! Weird, yet awesome. And then to top it off, The Farm were playing inside the restaurant! Did Alabama suddenly discover music other than Top 40 crap and Country?

Going to see Into the Storm on Friday. Sure, I’ll cringe at some of the bad science, but I’m expecting to love the movie because, you know, it has tornadoes and shit in it.

My review of Into the Storm.

Yes, I wore my Alabama Storm Chasers t-shirt to see Into the Storm!

Yes, I wore my Alabama Storm Chasers t-shirt to see Into the Storm!

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS

The #ISS is moving at 17,144 MPH. Someone’s gonna get a speeding ticket when flying over Alabama! #CantDrive55

I feel like I should be watching CNN for over-dramatic coverage accompanied by scary graphics and music, but I’m resisting. #Iselle

Just saw two guys kissing on stage… And I didn’t get an erection, turn gay, or want to leave my girlfriend. #DisappointingGayAgenda

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle: Clingy Butt Hairs Not Included #ShartToys @midnight

Power Through It Rangers #ShartToys @midnight

LEGO Brick. #ShartToys @midnight

Battleshit #ShartToys @midnight

Pooperation #ShartToys @midnight

Razor Kick Folding Pooter #ShartToys @midnight

Deuces Wild #ShartToys @midnight

Plinkin’ Logs #ShartToys @midnight

Spelunking Barbie: With Real Guano! #ShartToys @midnight

Jem and the Meadow Muffins #ShartToys @midnight

Mousecrap #ShartToys @midnight

Loop de Poop Racers #ShartToys @midnight

#IntoTheStorm – still a better love story than #Twilight

CAPTION CENTRAL

Here I am, just mining my own business.

Here I am, just mining my own business.

I'm gonna take you by surprise and make you realize, Oh Manta!

I’m gonna take you by surprise and make you realize, Oh Manta!

Flower Power.

Flower Power.

This guy should win wingman of the year award or... his wingman should be fired.

This guy should win wingman of the year award or… his wingman should be fired.

Schools Districts have asked stores for help in eliminating guns at school.

Schools Districts have asked stores for help in eliminating guns at school.

"We then grind the capitalist pigs into tasty pork substitute."

“We then grind the capitalist pigs into tasty pork substitute.”

Go rafting they said. You can get away from people and enjoy the outdoors they said.

Go rafting they said. You can get away from people and enjoy the outdoors they said.

Look, it's the adult version of the ice cream truck! Nothing better than Shopping Cart BBQ! #MmmMmmGood

Look, it’s the adult version of the ice cream truck! Nothing better than Shopping Cart BBQ! #MmmMmmGood

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Catching Up: 20120302 Buckhorn High School Tornado Damage

Continuing the catching up series of old weather photographs. Click on any image to see the full size.

On March 2nd, 2012 a tornado went through north Alabama and hit Buckhorn High School’s west side, taking out the teacher’s parking lot, ROTC building, and damaging much more. It also hit a subdivision west of the school and took out a farm across the street from the school. My daughter, being a science enthusiast like myself, watched the tornado come in and then when it got close ran back into the hallways to take shelter.

When I arrived at the school to find my daughter, I entered a dark and wet hallway with the sound of kids crying and a few screaming. Several students I knew came up to me and begged me to take them home, but the rules forbid doing such. It was heartbreaking having to leave them cowered and cuddled among each other in wet clothes in the dark, but I had no choice. Once I found my daughter we went outside and took pictures of the damage.

CNN got a hold of my pictures and asked us for an interview. While my daughter and I focused on the science of weather, CNN wanted drama, and what they focused on was the paragraph above: searching through the huddled masses of weeping children trying to find my daughter. When the final piece came out on CNN, my daughter and I were disgusted at the drama they created and the way the story was written. I’ll include the piece below so you can see just how horrible it was. The title of their “article” was In Alabama, frightened students huddle as tornado approaches. It amazes me how the news has gone from news to fluff pieces. Not once did I say I had a lump in my throat or that my heart skipped a few beats. But hey, journalism at its finest, right?

20120302 – CNN – In Alabama, frightened students huddle as tornado approaches

(CNN) — Shortly after 10 a.m. Blair Scott sent a text to his daughter Rose, a junior at Buckhorn High School in northeast Huntsville. He could feel the lump in his throat as he warned her: You have three minutes to get to a safe place.

The twister was hurtling straight toward her.

It was one of two apparent tornadoes that ripped through the area Friday.

Scott jumped in his car and furiously drove the three miles from his home to the school. The speedometer said 80. In his read view mirror, he could see four police cars. But they weren’t chasing him. They were also charging towards to the school and the sitting targets within.

Scott arrived to a surreal scene wrought by the fury of the storm.

His heart skipped a few beats. He was one of thousands of Americans unnerved Friday by a swath of severe weather that extended from Alabama to Indiana.

Inside the school, it was hot, damp and dark — the power was out. The staff had gone into storm mode at about 8:45 in the morning, huddling the students in the safest place of all, the hallway, Scott said.

Rose was huddled with her classmates. She could feel her frightened friend’s clawing into her arm. Everyone knew the tornado coming their way, like a killer approaching a helpless victim. Everyone was terrified.

Rose was 20 feet away from the door and could feel the wind forcing its way underneath. It was so strong that even through the cracks, it made her hair fly.

“We didn’t know if it was going to bust open at any minute,” she said.

Signs outside were blowing; trees bending.

Suddenly, it became sunny. The wind went one way one minute and another, the next. Then, it began raining. Hard.

The pressure changed and got so bad it made Rose’s ears hurt. She got low to the floor.

A large trash bin flew through the air. Where once there had been tall oaks, there was nothing. They were horizontal with the earth and Rose could see the house that used to be hidden by vegetation across the street.

When it was over, teachers screamed as they saw their wrecked cars, the building’s windows shattered and part of the roof in the parking lot.

Similar storms ripped through the Huntsville area about a year ago. Students, teachers and parents all had their memories. Rose had even chased tornadoes with her dad — both father and daughter are fascinated with science and meteorology.

But she had never lived through a tornado before. Now she knew what it felt like.

“It was a whole different experience,” she said. “I couldn’t even text. My hands were shaking so bad.”

Many of the students were trying to call their moms and dads but cell phone service was sketchy.

She was relieved to see her father when he arrived at the school.

Scott said his daughter’s friends pleaded with him. “Please, Mr. Scott,” they said. “Take us home.”

But he couldn’t. School policy forbade it so that all the students could be accounted for.

“It was heartbreaking,” he said. “It was horrible in there. They were so scared and apprehensive.”

Scott felt incredibly lucky that everyone he loved was alright. He took his daughter home and passed the rest of the day under a tornado watch.

Photos:

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BWAHAHA: 4/8 – 5/9

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 4/8 – 5/9: Okay, it’s time to post a new BWAHAHA. As I said in the last one, I’m struggling with my comedy right now because I’m finding it difficult to be funny when I’m happy and I’m the happiest I’ve been in a very, very, very long time. But I’ve written some new material, thrown away some material, and I’ve done a couple of shows with more lighthearted material and I think I’m slowly finding a way to turn my happiness into humor instead of my old self that turned anger, irritation, and depression into humor (as a coping mechanism, perhaps?). So I’m posting a month’s worth of the efforts I’ve made (notice this month’s worth is about as long as a week’s used to be).

Tom Hand was back on The Critical Eye Podcast in May as well. It was great to have him back on, so please listen to the show and enjoy Tom and I bantering back and forth just like old times!

4/8:

Seriously, you can’t invert the Y Axis on the Walking Dead game? Well, so much for playing it.

The one drawback to Freedom of Speech is that stupid gets to speak as well.

Lesson learned: always be aware of your surroundings.

20140408a

He should have ran… ran so far away.

20140408b

4/10

I wouldn’t say I was a ladykiller, but I was charged with attempted murder.

4/11

Last time my car battery died in L.A., I asked some young men for a jump. Ten minutes later I was bloody and bruised and a member of a gang.

Playing with Uranium is so much fun! #KeepTheNSAEmployed

I still feel like I have gnats flying in my nose, eyes, and crawling all over me. Fucking mating season.

4/14

I’m thinking of referring to woo from now on as poo. I know, semantics, but I think poo is more accurately descriptive.

4/19

Going to try to jump start my ride-on mower with my car. Someone should video this in case I blow up.

Always have a fully charged lightning staff on you: never know when a dragon will show up.

4/20

Oh, tall grass, how many things has thou hidden from last season?

4/23

In a world where Luke Skywalker didn’t escape.

20140423a

There’s a fine line between dreams and fantasy: the line of my zipper.

4/28

Tornado Tip: Have identification on you that won’t easily be stripped off in the wind. Makes the coroner’s job easier.

Tornado Tip: Get dressed beforehand. No one wants to see you in your lingerie or skivvies at the tornado shelter.

Tornado Tip: Put a blanket or mattress over you in the bathtub, as it’ll muffle your screams better.

Tornado Tip: Keep your pets safe during a tornado, as you may need to eat them in a few days.

Tornado Tip: Get a good weather alert app, something to remind you every few minutes that WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!!!!!!

Tornado Tip: The NE quadrant of your house is the safest, that way you can’t see your death coming.

Tornado Tip: Get to a shelter early, that way you can get the top bunk.

Tornado Tip: Make sure your pets have collars and tags, that way the shelter knows what to call them when they euthanize them.

Tornado Tip: Make sure important documents are in an indestructible container, it makes for better airborne shrapnel.

My GF listens to ocean waves on her phone to help her sleep, then wonders why I get up to pee several times each night.

Tornado irony. Major damage in Hazel Green, AL along US-231.

20140428a

4/30

Anytime I walk into a large room and there’s no monsters or bad guys, I’m like, “Something isn’t right.” #Gaming

5/1

To watch FOX you gotta be brainwashed. To watch MSNBC you gotta lean a little left, To watch CNN you gotta be in an airport.

5/3

Caught Mockingbirds eating the cat food. Lazy moochers.

Katherine Heigl (Grey’s Anatomy) is lollygagging. New definition for that word!

20140504a

5/4

Sitting in the most comfortable patio chair I’ve put my ass in. $520? I’ll take the plastic one for $10, thanks

New episode of The Critical Eye Podcast with guest Tom Hand: E043: Tomwhat May, It’s Time for Tomlightenment!

5/7

Just spent five hours transferring all my goods to Markarth because vendors can’t afford my shit. #Gaming

I wanted to do a Michael Jackson impersonation tonight, but the bar didn’t allow kids inside.

5/8

Not sure what to wear to the Doobie Brothers concert: torn jeans with a paisley shirt or my funeral suit.

Thought I’d be the youngest person at the Doobie Brothers, but some hippies brought their kids.

If you’re into GILFs, you should come to the Doobie Brothers’ concert.

Since I went to see the Doobie Brothers tonight, a little #TBT in honor. No, my hair isn’t that tall… it’s a shadow.

20140508a

This week on Twitter (5/4 – 5/10)

This week’s attempt to be funny on Twitter from 5/3 to 5/10 (posted in order of Tweets). Wrote new material for standup this week and so was distracted from Twitter. Sorry y’all!

5/5

JesusLuvsMeLongTime #ChristianMingleUsernames

NailMeLikeJesus #ChristianMingleUsernames

WasSavingMyselfForJesusButYoullDo #ChristianMingleUsernames

FemSub4U #ChristianMingleUsernames

LookingForSecondCuming #ChristianMingleUsernames

I’mCrazierThanRevelation #ChristianMingleUsernames

5/7

After nine years in captivity, the three women walk outside and go, “Wow, downtown looks really nice now.”

Gary Tuckman from CNN asking the hard questions, you know, like he didn’t ask the Bush administration.

This week on Twitter (4/12 – 4/19)

This week’s attempt to be funny on Twitter from 4/12 to 4/19 (posted in order of Tweets). Yeah, yeah, yeah… I’m running almost three weeks behind on getting these up on the web page. Fuck off already. This is the week of the Boston Marathon bombing. Comedy helps bring levity to stressful situations and is a coping mechanism for many people: it’s why trauma physicians, police officers, fire fighters, soldiers, and more use humor during times of stress. This was followed by the explosion in West, Texas. This humor may seem insensitive to the ignorant, but it is far from such. After 9/11 everyone was afraid to be funny and it was the wrong thing to do. I was glad to see humor after Boston. It was much needed.

4/15

Did the condom just break? #5WordsiHateToHear

No, that’s my natural lubricant. #5WordsiHateToHear

Republican candidate takes the lead. #5WordsiHateToHear

Have you heard about Jesus? #5WordsiHateToHear

I’d run the #BostonMarathon, but I don’t have a leg to stand on. #TooSoon

4/16

People keep saying, “We’ve always had a blast on Patriots Day and at the Boston Marathon.” Maybe we can choose another word?

#WelcomeToMySchoolWhere if you think everything is funny until they make fun of your pet issue: you’re expelled.

Supreme Court signals skepticism on patenting genes: so when can I get customized children?

Vandals destroy transformers in N. California, causing brownouts during optimum prime periods.

4/17

Libertarians, conservatives, licorice, Andrea Mitchell & Wolf Blitzer. #5ThingsThatAnnoyMe

4/18

In breaking news, the ATF conducted a raid on the city of West, Texas.

Once Little Miss Muffet ran away, did the spider ravish the curds and whey?

4/19

Oh man, the tension is like being inside a pressure cooker! #Watertown

I think their motive was to hear Bostonians say the word “terrah” all the time on the news. #BostonMarathon #Watertown

Wow, that traffic in #Watertown is so bad that even the police are gridlocked.

One man can change the world. Just ask Dzhokar Tsarnaev: he got millions to watch CNN for 19 hours straight.

Premiering this season on MTV, “Nineteen & Famous.” #Watertown

I have this weird urge to eat pirozhki. #Watertown

The Walking Dead should be filming episodes in Boston right now. Streets already empty.

That possum walked away saying, “Fuck, that guy is an amazing driver. I should be dead.”

Damnit, I’m missing the Macy’s Christmas Parade! #Watertown

Wait, I thought we already killed Osama. What was he doing in #Watertown ?

Dzhokar Tsarnae was like, “I’m on a boat, I’m on a boat, take a good hard look at the motherfucking boat!” #Watertown

So can we start profiling white people now? #Watertown #TSA #PatriotAct

Okay, that was fun… so when do the Boston Riots start? #Watertown

It’s times like these that make me forget about police brutality. #Watertown

If Bush were still in office, we’d be going to war with Czechoslovakia tomorrow. #Watertown #BostonMarathon

Dammit, another day that I’m supposed to “never forget.” #Alamo #PearlHarbor #9/11 #BostonMarathon

Dammit Dzhokar Tsarna, you’re interrupting Anthony Bourdain Parts Unknown! @Watertown