BWAHAHA 1/24 – 1/30

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 1/24 – 1/30: This week my girlfriend and I went out for seafood. While driving around running our errands beforehand, seafood became “anyplace that has seafood,” which after a few more hours of running around then became, “Fuck it, let’s do the Chinese buffet.” The Chinese buffet we go to has seafood on their dinner buffet. I personally can’t stand seafood. The only seafood I like is hushpuppies (you’d be amazed at how many people I have to explain that joke to). Luckily for me, most seafood places have at least a few non-seafood items on their menu. But I still have to deal with the nauseating smell. At least at a Chinese buffet the smell of the regular food does a better job of masking the seafood smell. While I’m about to get a second plate, I notice the cooks brought out some fresh crab legs. Since that’s really what my girlfriend wanted, I got them for her instead of getting my plate. While I’m standing there holding tongs (and my nose) I notice the man on the other side of the buffet bar is using his fingers to find mussels with meat in them. I’ll grant him that the meat fell out of most of the shells during the cooking process. However, if you’re smart (as in not from Alabama), instead of searching shell by shell with your fingers, why not use the fucking spoon to grab all the loose meat at the bottom of the pan? Instead, this idiot is going through all the mussels with his fingers. Later that night my friends asked me if I said anything to the staff. Nah, I’m not eating that booger looking shit, so what do I care? Besides, it probably made that shit taste better. Just one more reason to not like seafood.

One of the errands we were running that day was getting my girlfriend a laptop. We spent days looking online for deals that were not only cost effective, but actually had the right amount of processing power, memory, etc. She kept picking out $200 laptops and asking, “What about this one?” To which myself (and later a friend) both told her, “NO FUCKING WAY!” But she kept sending them to us. My friend and I both point out the perfect laptop for her. It’s $500, but on sale for $350 after instant in-store savings and a $50 mail-in rebate. Does she order it? Nope. Does she go straight to the store that has it so she can buy it in person? Nope. She runs me around all over town looking at tons of laptops that either aren’t powerful enough or are too expensive. So where do we end up going when she finally decides to actually spend the money? Yep… to the exact same place I told her to go in the first place. WOMEN!

OTHER STUFF:

  • I used to have a built-in bench in my shower. Now I have a knee-high shelf. ‪#‎WhenYourGirlfriendMovesIn‬
  • Alcohol and Little Big Planet Coop Mode. The insanity. The laughter. It hurts!!!!!
  • The twitter notification sound is really loud after midnight when trying not to wake the person sleeping next to you.
  • It was a long and blustery night, but I survived ‪#‎BlizzardOf2015‬ here in Alabama. Look, ice on the ground!

    It was a long and blustery night, but I survived ‪#‎BlizzardOf2015‬ here in Alabama. Look, ice on the ground!

  • A 5’2″ tiny Chinese woman just physically abused me for an hour. It was awesome.
  • AL Judges panel reverses opinion: gay marriage okay in AL. Suddenly marriages are stopped for staff shortages. Skeptical Blair is Skeptical.
  • It’s time for Chief “Justice” Roy Moore to STFU, retire, and disappear into the sunset. Roy Moore, giving Christians a bad name since 1999.
  • Alabama: Get Over Yourself

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS:

  • #‎FacebookDown‬ is like being left behind in the Rapture. Sure, it’s scary at first, but then you realize all the cool kids are still here.
  • The NSA brought Facebook down because users were talking about Chemtrails causing the blizzard. I know because I removed my tinfoil hat. #FacebookDown
  • #‎Interviewgate‬ continues as North Korea takes down Facebook after John Miller posts a positive review on his wall. ‪#‎FacebookDown‬

@MIDNIGHT #HASHTAGWARS:

  • Aeronauticalengineeringbatics ‪#‎NerdierSports‬ @midnight
  • Air Bender Hockey ‪#‎NerdierSports‬ @midnight
  • Aquamanathlon ‪#‎NerdierSports‬ @midnight
  • Long Distance Re-Cycling ‪#‎NerdierSports‬ @midnight
  • BenchWordPress ‪#‎NerdierSports‬ @midnight
  • Pericardium Sac Race ‪#‎NerdierSports‬ @midnight
  • Camelot Racing ‪#‎NerdierSports‬ @midnight
  • RiverTamboarding ‪#‎NerdierSports‬ @midnight
  • Lawnmower Man Racing ‪#‎NerdierSports‬ @midnight
  • Skyrim Nordic Skiing ‪#‎NerdierSports‬ @midnight
  • Capture the Flagella ‪#‎NerdierSports‬ @midnight

CAPTION CENTRAL:

  • It's like a Furry Convention, but a McFlurry Convention.

    It’s like a Furry Convention, but a McFlurry Convention.

  • New Yorkers be like, "What, it ain't that cold."

    New Yorkers be like, “What, it ain’t that cold.”

  • Have you seen North Korea's new surface to air missile system? It's pretty wicked!

    Have you seen North Korea’s new surface to air missile system? It’s pretty wicked!

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BWAHAHA 12/20 – 12/26:

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 12/20 – 12/26: My GF stumbled upon one of the best written articles I’ve ever seen written about white privilege for white people – by a white person. Remember, privilege isn’t an insult or a bad word. What’s important is that you recognize that you have it and more importantly, that others do not have it (be that white, male, class, etc). Read the article HERE.

So this week was Christmas. I’m one of those atheists who celebrates Christmas. Why? Because no one goes to the mall to sit on Jesus’ lap, that’s why. So what’d you get for Christmas? My friends and my GF got me a lot of stuff I’ll need for the Zombiepocalypse (or camping) and plenty of vaping stuff. I got a tactical vest, tactical leg pouch, 9-in-1 shovel (it comes with a fucking bayonet!), 35-LED light stick, three 10-LED head lamps, camp stove, Aspire Atlantis tank (and five replacement coils), a gift certificate to Professor Vapes (located in Madison, AL), a full body massage at the Chinese Massage place in Huntsville, and a new cutlery set for my kitchen. I did pretty damn good this Christmas!

My friends and I watched The Interview this week (no spoilers, I promise). There were some pretty good laughs throughout the movie. If you are one of my fellow liberals who was worried about a movie showing an assassination of a sitting leader, you should actually watch the movie. It’s not what you expect. I won’t spoil it, just watch it and stop jumping to the wrong conclusions. The Interview has tons of in-your-face and hidden social commentary about diplomacy, foreign policy, media, etc. The Interview is social commentary wrapped in comedy and slapstick. Don’t let the terrorists win! Watch The Interview!

I did get to do a little bit of storm chasing this week, but Alabama proved to be frustrating as always when it comes to chasing storms. At least I got to test out the new AcuRite. It’s designed to mount in your backyard, but I mounted it on the roof of my car. Worked like a champ! Thanks AcuRite!

OTHER STUFF:

  • Out and about and I left my wallet at home. Guess I’m not eating or accomplishing anything. #EarlyAlzheimers
  • Thanks to Old Time Pottery, I have more glitter on me than Tinker Bell.
  • Some Christmas music I actually like!
  • Chasing in Alabama is frustrating. If the cell doesn’t dissipate, trees block the view or farmer John holds up traffic.
  • Something to do on the next camping trip… and by trip… I mean acid trip.
  • Normally we go eat Chinese buffet on Christmas Day with friends. But we found out that Indian Palace is open today! Yep, that trumps Chinese!
  • Who ordered the rain donut?

    Who ordered the rain donut?

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS:

  • Tripster: a hipster in training.
  • Mutant: someone who participates in a mutiny.
  • Kumquats are amazing. It’s like a pear and a tangerine had sex.
  • At Joe Cocker’s funeral, you can leave your hat on. #RIPJoeCocker
  • Thanks to smart phones, awkward silences aren’t that awkward anymore.

CAPTION CENTRAL:

  • I can't tell... is she keeping his hand warm or is he keeping her butt warm? Or is it more a symbiotic relationship?

    I can’t tell… is she keeping his hand warm or is he keeping her butt warm? Or is it more a symbiotic relationship?

  • Do you even hack, bro?!?!

    Do you even hack, bro?!?!

  • Stand back! I'm about to try a physics experiment!

    Stand back! I’m about to try a physics experiment!

BWAHAHA 12/13 – 12/19:

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 12/13 – 12/19: Very slow week. I had a Vapemas party and spent most of my free time getting ready for the holidays and enjoying playing PS3 with my daughter who is visiting from college. I didn’t do any captions this week or participate in @Midnight’s Hashtag Wars. But hey, I accomplished a bunch of shit in my real life!

OTHER STUFF:

  • Story Time: The Mass Casualty Curse
  • Fireball with Redds (or Angry Orchard). OMG!
  • Oh yeah! #Fireball

    Oh yeah! #Fireball

  • Just caught the dog pretending to eat so that the cat wouldn’t eat her food. PRETENDING TO EAT! Seriously?!?!?
  • Finally! Some Christmas lights set to good music! VNV Nation is amazing and you should check ’em out!
  • Daughter: “How many of those did I have?” / Me: “5” / Her: “That’s it?” / Me: “That’s one shy of a six-pack.” / Her: “Oh yeah.” #Newbie21yo
  • If I was in Nebraska looking at the clouds I’m seeing I’d say it would snow later today. But I’m in Alabama… so who effin’ knows.
  • I set the microwave for four minutes, but I’m pretty sure it took eight.
  • In a few more days I’ll stick to tradition and watch my favorite Christmas movie of all time: Die Hard. (Followed by Lethal Weapon)
  • If you joined Facebook five days ago, are a member of 400 groups, and try to join my groups… I know you’re a spammer. ‪#‎InstantBlock‬

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS:

  • I met you while looking for my girlfriend at the battered women’s shelter. ‪#‎MissedConnections
  • North Korean drones prepare for the backlash of #InterviewGate‬

    North Korean drones prepare for the backlash of #InterviewGate‬

BWAHAHA 11/29 – 12/5:

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 11/29 – 12/5: I had the privilege this week of walking alongside my fellow human beings in the #ShutItDownHSV protest march. I can never understand what it’s like to be black in America because I’m not black. But what I can do is have some fucking empathy. What I can do is make an effort to understand the statistics and data that show racism is not over in America and that the very term “post-racial” is wrong. I can look at the data from the Justice Department and realize that something is very wrong with the system. I can read #CrimingWhileWhite and begin to grasp that as a white male I am treated differently than a black male. I can see with my own damn eyes the security guard in the mall trailing the group of black teenagers while the white kids who are actually shoplifting are left alone. White Privilege is not an insult, so don’t fucking freak out when it’s pointed out to you. Privilege is not the problem: not recognizing your own is and the worst is when you cannot recognize the lack of privilege in others. When some stupid idiot on Facebook says, “Yeah, because my Irish immigrant ancestors had tons of privilege” in their smartass denialism way, I just want to reach through the screen and smack the shit out of them. Yes, your Irish immigrant ancestors were scorned and faced tons of problems. But you know what they weren’t? They weren’t motherfucking black and they weren’t in chains picking cotton on plantations in Mississippi. I’m thinking about writing an entire blog about this issue to help my idiotic fellow white humans grasp this simple concept.

Mark your calendars for a good cause! Help out Huntsville’s homeless and get some good laughs. Donations are needed!

Half Baked Comedy Show

C’mon, help local comedy! As local comedy grows, so do the local comedians and the scene’s ability to bring in visiting comedians. Show your support and pre-buy a t-shirt! Plenty of sizes to choose from (yes, even big guys like myself).

20141122a

 OTHER STUFF:

  • Nooooooooooooooooooo! #TWD #TheWalkingDead Someone pass the Kleenex.
  • I’m refusing to watch @AMCTalkingDead because I don’t want to cry. Seeing it once was enough trauma for one night. #TheWalkingDead
  • If you didn’t watch tonight’s episode of #TheWalkingDead, you should stay off social media until you do. Seriously.
  • While the books were nauseating, they were mildly entertaining, so I figured I’d give the Left Behind movie a chance. I lasted six minutes.
  • Every electronic device in my house shows a different time. Even my computers. Stupid technology.
  • Just told my GF that I bought us a new comforter. It didn't go over very well.

    Just told my GF that I bought us a new comforter. It didn’t go over very well.

  • Just busted my ass all week getting a site ready… and just now the site advises they’re still obligated for 90 days with the previous vendor. How does anyone not know this ahead of time? UGH! ACK!
  • Watching some of my fellow white humans respond to #ShutItDownHSV is embarrassing. Your white privilege is showing. Just shut up. Please.
  • The meatloaf I made last night was pretty spicy. After sitting overnight, it’s almost (almost) too spicy for even me.
  • Why is everyone doing the speed limit and I’m at 7 over. Oh yeah, black neighborhood. I’m not afraid of being pulled over. #WhitePrivilege
  • I disagree with you, so I said so on your post. Now that you’ve challenged me, I’m going to demand that we “agree to disagree.” #SMH
  • I shoplifted as a teenager and the security guard just made me pay for what I stole instead of calling the cops. #CrimingWhileWhite
  • Doing 100 MPH on I-95 in Hartford. State Trooper turned his lights on, then waved “thanks” as he passed me. #CrimingWhileWhite
  • Why is it so hard for some adults to understand the concept of Civil Disobedience? It’s not a hard concept to understand. It’s simple.
  • I’ve deleted the annoying Facebook Messenger App on my phone. Fuck that stupid piece of shit. That means if I’m not at my desk, I won’t respond to PMs. Text me instead or just fucking wait until I get home.

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS:

  • Raise your fist in solidarity with feminism! #FemiFisting
  • NYPD should implement Stop, Drop, Roll & Frisk. That way they’re educating people while violating their rights. #ICantBreathe

#HASHTAGWARS @MIDNIGHT:

  • The Household Cats #SoftenABand @midnight
  • The Constables #SoftenABand @midnight
  • 4 Hot Blondes #SoftenABand @midnight
  • Oxygen Supply #SoftenABand @midnight
  • The Alan Parsons Condominium #SoftenABand @midnight
  • Indigenous Ant Farm #SoftenABand @midnight
  • The Modern Toys #SoftenABand @midnight
  • Audiopaidlabor #SoftenABand @midnight
  • The B-52 Vitamins #SoftenABand @midnight
  • Black & Yellow Winged Insects, Geeze! #SoftenABand @midnight
  • Tiny Country #SoftenABand @midnight
  • The Birthday Cuddle Party #SoftenABand @midnight @TBMassacre
  • Visionary Melon #SoftenABand @midnight
  • Happy October #SoftenABand @midnight
  • Quietown Rats #SoftenABand @midnight
  • Toddler George #SoftenABand @midnight
  • Corey Myocardium #SoftenABand @midnight
  • Crash Test Nerds #SoftenABand @midnight
  • Spacious House #SoftenABand @midnight
  • Still Kickin’ Kennedys #SoftenABand @midnight
  • Echo & the Funnymen #SoftenABand @midnight
  • Stay In Line Boy #SoftenABand @midnight
  • Satiated Lucy #SoftenABand @midnight @hungrylucy
  • Iggy Slight Ping #SoftenABand @midnight
  • Joan Jett & the Kindhearts #SoftenABand @midnight
  • Johnny Adores Jazz #SoftenABand @midnight
  • Kate Clean Shaven #SoftenABand @midnight
  • Love and Hot Pockets #SoftenABand @midnight
  • All Systems Check Parade #SoftenABand @midnight
  • Men At Casual Play #SoftenABand @midnight
  • Men Wearing Fedoras #SoftenABand @midnight
  • New Centrists #SoftenABand @midnight
  • Papa Lovebug #SoftenABand @midnight
  • Pop Will Lick Itself #SoftenABand @midnight
  • Skinemax for Pyros #SoftenABand @midnight
  • Advanced Radio Gods #SoftenABand @midnight
  • Puddle of Perrier #SoftenABand @midnight
  • Elegant Minds #SoftenABand @midnight
  • Siouxsie & the Crying Ladies #SoftenABand @midnight
  • Sweet’n Low Ray #SoftenABand @midnight
  • Life Tendencies #SoftenABand @midnight
  • Mumbling Heads #SoftenABand @midnight
  • It’s Now Tuesday #SoftenABand @midnight

CAPTION CENTRAL:

Coming to theaters this Spring... CUJO 2: Let's Play Fetch

Coming to theaters this Spring… CUJO 2: Let’s Play Fetch

You know, that elephant wouldn't be bothering you if you shot and killed it and made utensils out of its husks.

You know, that elephant wouldn’t be bothering you if you shot and killed it and made utensils out of its husks.

In a surprising twist, police sprayed protesters with ReddiWip. One protester said, "It's like bukkake, but better."

In a surprising twist, police sprayed protesters with ReddiWip. One protester said, “It’s like bukkake, but better.”

Tensions in North Korea mounted today when the NK Navy threatened to throw rocks at US Navy ships.

Tensions in North Korea mounted today when the NK Navy threatened to throw rocks at US Navy ships.

Introducing the new iScratch&Sniff from Apple. We didn't make it for porn, but we know that's what you'll use it for.

Introducing the new iScratch&Sniff from Apple. We didn’t make it for porn, but we know that’s what you’ll use it for.

OMG, The Cute, it hurts so bad!

OMG, The Cute, it hurts so bad!

BWAHAHA: 8/2 – 8/8

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 8/2 – 8/8: Well this week was horrible for my normal job, but at least I finally resolved the problems by the end of the week and was able to enjoy my weekend: date night with my girlfriend, got to see a play (Bare), games with friends, mowing the lawn (I consider that a relaxing event since I ride a John Deere mower), and playing some Skyrim. We saw Into the Storm, the new tornado disaster movie (yes, I wore my Alabama Storm Chasers t-shirt). I wrote a review of the movie after seeing what I thought was some unfair criticism of the film. There’s plenty of legitimate criticisms of the film, there’s no reason to get unfair on it.

Okay, seriously, if you do not know the answer to something, then do not guess or make shit up. I read 76 comments of people guessing at what a spider was (pic posted by someone on a Facebook group) and only one guessed sort of right. Unfortunately, I’m not in the group, so I could not give this person the right answer. The spider was nephila clavipes and they are gorgeous (seriously, do a Google search for nephila clavipes). Oh, and what you call a banana spider IS NOT A FUCKING BANANA SPIDER! UGH! (BTW, this is an actual “banana spider:” Phoneutria fera)

OTHER STUFF

I hate when people guess when they don’t know. Just say, “I don’t know.” It’s OK. “I don’t know” is often a precursor to “Let’s find out!”

I made the mistake of wearing black to pick up the dog from the groomers. Now I have more hair than the dog.

The Happy Mondays were playing in the theater bathroom. The Happy Mondays! On the radio! In Huntsville, AL! Weird, yet awesome. And then to top it off, The Farm were playing inside the restaurant! Did Alabama suddenly discover music other than Top 40 crap and Country?

Going to see Into the Storm on Friday. Sure, I’ll cringe at some of the bad science, but I’m expecting to love the movie because, you know, it has tornadoes and shit in it.

My review of Into the Storm.

Yes, I wore my Alabama Storm Chasers t-shirt to see Into the Storm!

Yes, I wore my Alabama Storm Chasers t-shirt to see Into the Storm!

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS

The #ISS is moving at 17,144 MPH. Someone’s gonna get a speeding ticket when flying over Alabama! #CantDrive55

I feel like I should be watching CNN for over-dramatic coverage accompanied by scary graphics and music, but I’m resisting. #Iselle

Just saw two guys kissing on stage… And I didn’t get an erection, turn gay, or want to leave my girlfriend. #DisappointingGayAgenda

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle: Clingy Butt Hairs Not Included #ShartToys @midnight

Power Through It Rangers #ShartToys @midnight

LEGO Brick. #ShartToys @midnight

Battleshit #ShartToys @midnight

Pooperation #ShartToys @midnight

Razor Kick Folding Pooter #ShartToys @midnight

Deuces Wild #ShartToys @midnight

Plinkin’ Logs #ShartToys @midnight

Spelunking Barbie: With Real Guano! #ShartToys @midnight

Jem and the Meadow Muffins #ShartToys @midnight

Mousecrap #ShartToys @midnight

Loop de Poop Racers #ShartToys @midnight

#IntoTheStorm – still a better love story than #Twilight

CAPTION CENTRAL

Here I am, just mining my own business.

Here I am, just mining my own business.

I'm gonna take you by surprise and make you realize, Oh Manta!

I’m gonna take you by surprise and make you realize, Oh Manta!

Flower Power.

Flower Power.

This guy should win wingman of the year award or... his wingman should be fired.

This guy should win wingman of the year award or… his wingman should be fired.

Schools Districts have asked stores for help in eliminating guns at school.

Schools Districts have asked stores for help in eliminating guns at school.

"We then grind the capitalist pigs into tasty pork substitute."

“We then grind the capitalist pigs into tasty pork substitute.”

Go rafting they said. You can get away from people and enjoy the outdoors they said.

Go rafting they said. You can get away from people and enjoy the outdoors they said.

Look, it's the adult version of the ice cream truck! Nothing better than Shopping Cart BBQ! #MmmMmmGood

Look, it’s the adult version of the ice cream truck! Nothing better than Shopping Cart BBQ! #MmmMmmGood