BWAHAHA: 1/18 – 1/24

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 1/18 – 1/24: I got sucked into Far Cry 3 this week and didn’t Facebook as much as I normally do. Hell, I had to practically force myself to leave my house on several occasions to hang out with my friends. One of those occasions was the Vape Meet here in Huntsville. The Vape Meet is for vapers, people who smoke e-cigs. I gotta say I fucking hate the word “e-cig” since nothing about an e-cig is “cig.” It’s just nicotine, which is present in many vegetables and is in chocolate. In fact it’s easier to extract nicotine from chocolate than it is from tobacco. But because it’s called an e-cig, people still freak out and now idiots are trying to ban them. UGH!

So to the Vape Meet. I purchased $9 in raffle tickets and won five times! I won about $150 worth of stuff. What was funny is the guys at the table next to me were actually getting irritated at how much I was winning, so I made sure I said out out, “That’s why you buy a bunch of tickets: increases your chances of winning!” Then they yelled out when I won again, “Shuffle the tickets.” Oh skeptic failures, random is random: shuffling isn’t going to solve the issue when I have so many tickets in the bucket anyway. It’s not cheating or favoritism: it’s just pure fucking change! Idiots.

1/19

Woman next to me just pronounced grenade as “graynaid.” Oh Southerners.

1/20

#MoreFakeThanWendyDavis is trending? You mean like the intellect of people tweeting it? Wait… I just tweeted it.

I’m wearing my carpenter jeans today. I have a sudden urge to walk on water. Or to sing, sing a song, sing out loud, sing out strong.

1/22

New evidence that possibly half of all terrorist attacks were accidental.

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Three hour tour… Russian style.

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When we say we’re against slut shaming, isn’t that saying, “You’re still a slut, we’re just not going to shame you”?

I’m on a house, yo! On a house, yo! I’m on a motherfuckin’ house yo!

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1/24

Hugs are a riot!
My friend Chris pointed out all the tear gas canisters on the officer behind the hug recipient. That’s enough tear gas to make you tear up while looking at this picture.

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Nothing says convenience store like convenience!

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The Cult of Bieber is trending #WeWillAlwaysSupportYouJustin. Really Bieberites? So pathetic! #DeportBieber

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BWAHAHA: 1/11 – 1/17

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 1/11 – 1/17: So this week a kind and loving Christian decided to key my car. Now, while I can’t prove it 100% that it was a Christian, I can with practical certainty say it wasn’t a Buddhist, Hindu, Wiccan, or Atheist. There were three cars in my driveway and mine was the only car targeted and they tried to X out my license plate, which says ATHE1ST. Now, maybe I’m just wrongheaded here, but is vandalizing my car really the way to bring me to god? I mean, if you want me to believe in your god, then vandalizing my car is the way to do it, right? No, wait, that actually reinforces my view that believers are delusional. I mean, if your god is so all powerful, then why does he need you to key my car when he can just strike me dead at any time he wants? Then again… kinda hard to kill me when he doesn’t exist.

1/11

I think we should deregulate Coal some more. I mean, deregulation clearly worked in West Virginia!

1/12

Love Is Like Snow

I made an illegal lane change and ran a red light right in front of a police officer. He did nothing. Decided against the illegal U-Turn.

1/13

My thermostat says it’s 73 in the house. I think it’s lying.

Desperation leads to strange things…

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Possible causes: 1) projectile vomiting, 2) exploding soda, 3) murder, or 4) Gallagher performance. Or perhaps, Gallagher, while performing in the car, caused a soda can to explode, which hit a passenger in the face, killing him, and the other passengers were then so grossed out they projectile vomited everywhere. The driver then murdered Gallagher.

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My spicy Thai peanut sauce has been sitting in ghost peppers for 96 hours now. HOLY FUCK!!! Call the Fire Department!

North Korea announced its new drone program today.

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Yeah, but are you gettin’ it? Llamageddon it! Ooh, really gettin’ it? Yes, Lamaggedon it!

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Critical Eye Podcast: E041, Baby, It’s Cold Outside

Love Is Like Snow

Love Is Like Snow

Sometimes it’s a blizzard: coming in full gale force. Keeping you inside, smothered, and trapped – exiled from the rest of your world.

20140112aSometimes it’s a wet snow: beautiful and quickly accumulating, but not too long you realize how damaging the thick and heavy snow can be to your surroundings.

Sometimes it’s a slow accumulation: beautiful and inspiring and joyful and making you want to play in it like you were a child again, lost in the enthusiasm of its grandeur, catching flakes with your mouth, making snow angels, sledding, and being enthralled by everything that it is.

Sometimes it’s just flurries: teasing you with the prospect of a beautiful snow cover and making you think you are about to have fun… only to flit away with the clouds.

Sometimes it’s a light brushing: granting you a view of the beauty that could be if it only snowed some more, making you want more.

But in the end it all melts.

But never fear… it will snow again.

BWAHAHA: 1/4 – 1/10

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 1/4 – 1/10: This was mostly a boring week for me. I was able to finally get to an Open Mic locally after a four month hiatus. It was great getting back in front of an audience, even if three quarters of them were drunk and not paying attention to me at all.

1/4

If I ever get married again, this is what I want her to be doing when we are 75.

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1/5

Police: To Protect and To SERVE!

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Why Bugs Bunny didn’t make the left turn at Albuquerque.

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Some people are living the GTA5 life away from their gaming console.

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1/6

Paranormal Activity 6: Spongebob Scarypants

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The problem with putting on a sweatshirt out of the dryer is it makes you realize how cold the rest of your body is.

Judgment Day is every day for me: I judge people for their stupid beliefs at least three or four times a day.

Football is the only thing in Alabama drawing bigger crowds than church or KKK rallies, though it’s hard to separate those two things.

1/7

Oh, Santa finally delivered my gift!

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Having used up all the oil from dinosaurs, oil companies are tapping a new resource…

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Using any petroleum-based lubricant for sex/masturbation is technically necrophilia.

Sweatshirt: check. Spring Jacket: check. Winter coat: umm… errr… umm… Fuck, I don’t own a winter jacket.

I feel bad for the woman standing next to me. It’s so cold that her frost indicators fell off.

Apparently, Honey got a Boo Boo.

I used ghost pepper flakes in my sausage: I’m actually kinda scared to take a bite.

1/8

Some men have a problem with butterface women, but I have a problem with butterfaith women.

Annie was an embarrassed millionaire until she met Daddy Warbucks. #RepublicanPropagandaFilms

Sometimes I think humans are descended from Homo Aspergensis.

Here, let me get that for you.

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New video, Librarians Gone Wild.

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Must be a Chik-Fil-A parking lot.

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Overheard at the bar, “Get your stories straight or this conversation is over.” Damn pushy bartender.

1/9

Life: “Oh, you saved a bit of money to do something fun for yourself? Yeah, I’m gonna kill your car battery. Oh, and that battery is going to cost more than you saved up.”

The cat wants desperately inside my house… so it can ask to go back outside two minutes later. Fuck him, he’s a long-haired cat with a massive winter coat. He’ll be just fine. Well, c’mon, he survived the last two nights in teen temperatures and tonight’s going to be in the mid-thirties. He’s fine.

1/10

Just listened to the new John Denver song, “West Virginia Rivers.” It really stunk.

A woman on Lulu hashtagged me as #DoesntKnowIExist. Well yeah, because I’m not a psychic! You gotta tell me!

So a friend of mine posted this picture:

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Here are my replies to this picture:
Step three feet back and grab my shotgun: fully loaded and one in the chamber. Just have to push the safety button, conveniently located right next to the trigger.
Stop taking hallucinogens.
Call the dog catcher.
Tell my girlfriend to go back downstairs.
Start doing an Irish jig… werewolves hate that shit!
Reconsider my decision to go back to Plenty of Fish for dating.
Throw the person in the wheelchair down the stairs: it’s food for the werewolf and an obstacle for it to get over… giving me time to escape.
Remind my girlfriend, once again, that I asked her to shave.
Decide to put my kid back on Ritalin.
Throw the underwear I just had to change down the stairs.
Stand in front of a mirror and say, “Van Helsing, Van Helsing, Van Helsing.” I hear that works just like Candyman and Beetlejuice.
Turn to my friends and ask, “Okay, which one of you pissed off Chewbacca?”
Accept my fate and yell, “It’s shredding time!”
Call Corey Haim and Gary Busey: they killed a werewolf once.
I knew Jazzercise would come in handy one day! Cardio… cardio… cardio…

BWAHAHA: 12/28 – 1/3

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 12/28 – 1/3: What can I say about the week of New Years? Well, fucking nothing. It was a mostly boring week topped off with a good party at a friend’s house where I got drunk, sang some punk songs, and didn’t get laid.

12/30

There’s the line at the women’s changing room… then there’s the huddle of bored men, waiting patiently (mostly). Remember how horrible this was before cell phones and apps? Man, those days sucked some serious ass! The Smart Phone was probably invented by a man sitting on a bench waiting for his girlfriend to finish shopping. It was always funny to see their faces when the woman handed them a garment over the door that didn’t fit and asked them to go get it in another size. It was a look of frustration, despair, being lost, fear, and one of a man who had given up all hope of ever getting his balls back. I go to the store: I spend 15 minutes inside, and I have two pairs of jeans, and several shirts. Done. Finished. Home playing PS3 or watching a movie in no time. No matter how many times I went to the store, my wife, girlfriend, whatever, would always say, “Back already?” They were surprised that I wasn’t gone for fuckall hours of the day just to get a single pair of fucking jeans!

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12/31

I was going to watch TV, then realized everyone had their silly “year in review” on today. PS3 it is…

My list of the best things to happen in 2013:

My New Year’s resolution is to not have a New Year’s resolution.

1/2

If the Friend Zone worked like the End Zone, I’d hold the league record for most touchdowns in a season.

They couldn’t differentiate woo from science if woo slapped them in the face and said, “Hello, my name is Woo.”

1/3

“Don’t grab a tiger by its tail,” they say, so I grabbed a lion’s… and brought an airhorn for good measure….

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Sometimes you just have to accept the friends you have.

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“Pass the fucking mustard!” vs “Pardon me sir, but do you have any Grey Poupon?” #AmericansvsBritish

Any “article” that starts with a number and has a hyperbolic adjective in it, is an “article” I automatically skip over. Oh go fuck yourselves and your lazy “journalism.” I almost said, “8 Inspiring Reasons I Don’t Read Listed Hyperbolic Articles.” Examples:
“7 Horrifying Things About Chicken Meat”
“14 Outlandish Things We Learned From Benghazi”
“12 Stylish Reasons Gay Families Are Cuter Than Straight Families”

Today for breakfast I made a Star of David out of bacon.

I see the Allies are still bombing Germany.

After I’m done masturbating, my hand wants to cuddle, but I just ignore it and roll over and go to sleep.

 Apparently, when your hand falls asleep it’s called “The Stranger.” I think it should be called, “It’s Taking Too Long To Masturbate.”