20130131 News from the Week

An F-22 pilot flew a boy’s letter to his dead father “close to heaven:” I didn’t realize the ISS was heaven.

Magnitude 6.0 earthquake hits off Alaska coast: no reports of damage except to Sarah Palin’s view of Russia.

Study: fewer Americans count on retiring by 65. I think most figure they’ll be dead by then.

Oregon Christmas bomb plot suspect found guilty of terrorism: now wishes he had tried to bomb Hanukkah instead.

Woman in Brooklyn ER molested by another patient, say authorities. ER Nurse said, “Guess it was busier in here than we thought.”

Miami cop arrested for armed sexual battery, regrets not using his legs.

Styrofoam from Japan tsunami causing fears for Alaska wildlife after polar bear press release states they prefer plastic.

Couple faces charges after nursing injured deer back to health. When confronted with charges, man gasps, “Oh, doe is me!”

Applebee’s waitress fired after posting pastor’s tip on Facebook: because getting a waitress fired is exactly what Jesus would do!

Study: one in four Americans think God helps decide the outcome of football games. Does that include when their team loses?

Study: your wife or girlfriend stars in 20 percent of your dreams. Does the gay lover star in the other 80%.

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20130127: News from the Week

Sandy refugees scrambled for housing Saturday night: it was a false alarm, since Olivia Newton-John was in Australia.

IL Gov to sign bill allowing driver’s licenses for undocumented immigrants: making them documented.

Coyote pack chasing pets smash door of home in Chicago suburb: homeowners thinking of suing ACME.

Spouses club relents, says lesbian Army wife can be ‘full member’: they were just upset they couldn’t hit on her during deployments.

Cub Scout pack may lose charter if it keeps gay-friendly policy: pack responds by saying, “Yeah, well suck my dick!”

Casey Anthony files for Chapter 7 bankruptcy in Florida: her money went missing, too.

Man charged in Florida manhole cover heist. Apparently Florida still has harsh anti-homosexuality laws.

Air pollution plagues Salt Lake City: City Officials respond, “Relax, we’re just acclimating people to Kolob.”

Pentagon lifts ban on women in combat: DOD reminds soldiers that condoms are still for protecting muzzles from sand. Not that muzzle.

FL man posing as doctor used Krazy Glue to seal butt surgery incision: patient confused as to why teenagers kept sniffing his ass.

12-foot boulder crashes into Utah woman’s bedroom: Utah Gov considers declaring war on Colorado.

20130122: News of the Day

* Southwest flight blows three tires during aborted takeoff in Denver: Pilot recognizes mistake of letting Kevin Smith fly again.

* 40 years after Roe v. Wade, more states restricting abortion. In other news, coat hanger manufacturer bribe scheme uncovered.

* Santa Monica campus police faulted for pepper spray use: it was racist to assume Mexican-Americans liked it hot & spicy.

* Two lemurs loose in Miami and attack 2-yo girl: police to crowd, “You need to move it, move it! We need to move it, move it!”

* Church files show attempts to protect molester priests in Los Angeles: atheists respond, “Duh!”