This week on Twitter (4/5 – 4/12)

This week’s attempt to be funny on Twitter from 4/5 to 4/12 (posted in order of Tweets). I have to admit I had a really slow week because I was fucking lazy. I really only made an effort one day.

4/7

Church in theater… lady behind me in line says, “I’m beginning to think Jesus was a used car salesman.”

4/8

Mudslide derails Amtrak train: no one waiting at the next stop notices the train is late.

3yo girl killed by garage door: prosecutors say door showing no signs of remorse.

I’m going to NYC next weekend to eat at restaurants. Why? Because I like playing Russian Roulette.

Mexican Gray Wolf making a comeback in US. So much for the efficiency of the Minutemen!

Iran, Syria, N. Korea block global treaty to control arms trade. Why does their vote even count? Only adults should vote.

IKEA halts moose lasagna sales after finding pork in it. Whew! I thought they were going to say horse!

I wanted to get my shirt in Manatee Grey, but apparently Target no longer offers that choice.

If Jay-Z and Beyoncé get to go to Cuba, we all get to go to Cuba, It’ll be anarchy! (*all hail Breakfast Club)

Margaret Thatcher dead. The “Iron Lady” has rusted. Your What? Tin roof. Rusted.

I bet Lena Headey (GoT Cersei Lannister) could solve her financial problems by asking geeks to send her $1.

Mufasa married Simba to keep Scar from inheriting the throne. Damn you gay marriage!

Sirens everywhere: so either a bad wreck or a meth lab blew up. Yep, those are your Alabama odds.

4/9

Roman Colosseum. #ClassicSportsVenue

When the referree called foul on the Christian for cutting off the lion’s leg. #WorstSportsCall

This week on Twitter (3/8 – 3/15)

This week’s attempt to be funny on Twitter from 3/8 to 3/15 (posted in order of Tweets). I spent the weekend in Wichita, KS unplugged mostly and neglected Twitter & Facebook. Thanks to Skeptics of Oz for a great time and letting me do standup for a bunch of heathens!

3/11

Two hyenas escape San Diego Zoo and are recaptured, but not before terrorizing neighborhood by repeatedly saying Mufasa while laughing.

Illinois lawmakers proposed a bill banning lion meat in food: they should call the bill Born Free.

#YoureMoreAttractiveIf you know what the Dewey Decimal Classification is.

#YoureMoreAttractiveIf you don’t have a stick up your arse.

#YoureMoreAttractiveIf you know who Lew Moxon is.

#YoureMoreAttractiveIf we’re at a costume party.

I like putting Shrimp on the Barbie. Barbie’s a stripper I know. #OutbackChat

#first30songsonshuffle so can I try a different dance now? Maybe #next30songsontwist?

#mixupmykitchen contest? Who needs a contest when a tornado can do it for you?

A new personal record! Blocked by two hash tag creators in one hour! BWAHAHAHAHA!!!

3/12

One would think male Country & Western singers and male Rappers would get along better given their equal treatment of women.

#TheWorldMadeSenseWhen our ancestors clubbed women and dragged them by the hair. Yeah, it was wrong… but it made sense.

#TheWorldMadeSenseWhen the left was actually left and the right wasn’t driving off the crazy cliff.

#ImEasilyAnnoyedBy blue laws. I should be able to take care of my blue balls any time I want!

3/13

#SomeDayiHopeToSee a meteor impact, as it’s the only natural disaster I haven’t been in.

#SomeDayiHopeToSee Monty Python’s Killer Bunny eat Paul Ryan’s face off. And King Arthur will say, “That rabbit’s dynamite.”

Libertarians drone on and on about the powerful marketplace of ideas. Do they know their ideas lost in that market.

#ReplaceMovieTitlesWithPope When Pope Attacks. Earth is invaded by Popes with a cruel sense of humor and love of boys.

#ReplaceMovieTitlesWithPope “Pope Needs Women” – Martians needed them to mate… the Pope needs ’em to stop Catholic sexism.

#ReplaceMovieTitlesWithPope “Pope In Pink” – Story of the Pope’s first prom and his brand new dress. #HabemusPapam #WhiteSmoke

#ReplaceMovieTitlesWithPope “It’s a Pope Pope Pope Pope World!” – Well, at least the media would have us think such.

#ReplaceMovieTitlesWithPope “Il Diavolo a Sette Popas” – The Devil thought he had 7 Popes. Turns out he had all of them.

#ReplaceMovieTitlesWithPope “Dawn of the Pope” – #WhiteSmoke toxins raise the dead and the Vatican gets its apocalypse after all.

#ReplaceMovieTitlesWithPope “Planet of the Popes” – Story of man’s fall as he becomes too stupid to think for himself.

#ReplaceMovieTitlesWithPope “Twilight Saga: Breaking Pope” – Glittery vampires take over the Vatican and looking better than Pope dresses.

I voted for Pontius Pilate. #WhiteSmoke

Note: Hipsters and atheist jokes don’t mix. Nasty vagina jokes: like pouring PBR into the meat under their beret-covered tangled hair.

3/14

I wonder if you rub a boy’s penis long enough if it will generate #WhiteSmoke

I’m sorry, but your sister is nicer to me. #BreakUpLines

I was drunk. She was drunk. The horse was drunk. Hey, shit happens. #BreakUpLines

If I wanted to go spelunking, I’d go into an actual cave. #BreakUpLines

I found out the EPA has a warning out on your vagina. #BreakUpLines

Jesus returns: modern Christians crucify him. #SixWordFilmPlots

Republican admits homosexuality: no one surprised. #SixWordFilmPlots

Drone takes out Congress “by accident.” #SixWordFilmPlots

Jesus returns: only National Inquirer notices. #SixWordFilmPlots

Zombie2pacalypse: 2 Pac returns from dead. #SixWordFilmPlots

MacClane sex heart attack: Die Hardest #SixWordFilmPlots