BWAHAHA: 12/21 – 12/27

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 12/21 – 12/27: So I joined this dating site specifically for “big men” and found there were 500+ women in Princeton, Alabama all waiting to hear from me! Most of them posting nude pics of themselves: closeups of vaginas, all that cool stuff. But here’s the thing. Princeton, Alabama has a population of around 3,000 people. So all the single women in Princeton are on this dating site and most of them are posting explicit nude pics? Hmm, I think I’ll take what they’re smoking in that town! So obviously the site’s a fraud and I canceled my membership. When I canceled the membership I spoke to Reggie. Reggie says, “I have cancelled the REBILLING for you., this will stop further charges. An automated confirmation will be emailed to the registered email address within 24 hours.” I respond, “Thank you. I wish I had known this was a fake dating site from the beginning. What a huge waste of money. Princeton, Alabama has a population of 2,374, and apparently 500+ of the women there are on this site and like to pose naked. Yeah. Right. The site is a fraud.” Then Reggie says, “You’re welcome! Have a great day!” Gosh, thanks Reggie for completely ignoring my complaint!

12/21

All Mine!

12/22

Shopping with my American Atheists’ sweatshirt on. The looks from Jesus’ birthday shoppers are classic.

12/23

Finally watched Elysium. Was it just me or was it District 9, Part II?

My Dad & Step-Mom are living with me now. I wonder where the hidden cameras are for the reality TV show.

12/24

500+ women from Princeton, AL (pop. 3000+) have posed nude on this dating site. I’m beginning to suspect fraud.

It’s Christmas-Who-Gives-A-Fuck Eve. So I’m listening to Journey while making Italian. Yep, totally traditional.

I had no gift wrap, so I just used an old sheet to wrap the gifts. It actually worked pretty good.

Santa finally caved to PETA fanatics and got rid of the reindeer.

Given the worry over global warming, Santa now has something new for the naughty kids.

Luckily, the Coast Guard was close by after Santa’s sled lost magic power and fell into the ocean.

We should watch Christmas porn all day and put the X back in X-Mas. Candy canes: not just for eating.

Someone pointed out that the peppermint might burn. Well, they have peppermint and cinnamon flavored condoms and lubricants, so it can’t be any worse than that, can it?

I’m eating Oxycodone today. What is it that kids say today? YOLO, right? Or is it, “Totally radical, dude!”

Teabagger just applauded Eisenhower for creating the Interstate system. I facepalmed.

Enjoying Christmas Eve the best way, by making other people work until 8 pm.

I’d like to thank this Mcdonald’s for not playing Christmas music.

The Mcdonald’s employees are fighting. Spreading Christmas cheer! You want fries with that black eye?

Mixing alcohol and oxycodone is okay, right?

12/25

Did the Zombiepocalypse happen last night? The road is empty. Oh yeah, it’s Jesus’ b’day.

All the alcohol from my house in one giant cooler. Going to be a fun night!

Someone didn’t think this display through very well… (or did they?)

The moment when POF wakes you up to tell you someone favorited you, only to find out it’s another dude.

What were the city planners thinking?

12/27

#2013beliebermemories, when I was told that he died. I was happy for minutes then realized it was a rumor. Ah, those minutes of happy bliss!

Mexican waiters making fun of the way Alabamians pronounce Mexican food, but they’re mispronouncing the mispronunciation. #LanguageBarriers

Is there a male version of #Lulu so that men can objectify women as well? Oh wait…

I’m fat, bald, & old and I got a 6.8 on #Lulu. Either women have lowered their standards or you get bonuses for being a sarcastic asshole.

Wait… Lulu says 5 girls checked me out today and 4 favorited me. Five in one day? Do women just sit around passing this app around to each other?

Torn: half of me wants to yell at women, “Stop wearing yoga pants!”; other half yells “Keep wearing them!”

I just told the waiter that I have a clue app on my phone if he needs it. He didn’t get it.

I just heard that Kevin Bacon has been charged with First Degree Murder. When Kevin Bacon commits First Degree Murder that’s really just a fancy word for suicide.

BWAHAHA: 12/14 – 12/20

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 12/14 – 12/20: This week I was in Florida helping my Dad move. During the middle of that he ended up in the hospital for almost the entire week with a horrible bout of kidney stones and the start of kidney failure. Doctors and science prevailed and he is on the road to recovery. My week in Florida was made fun by the idiocy of Q-Tips: you know, older drivers where all you can see is the puff of white cotton sticking up above the driver’s seat. How fucking hard it is to do the speed limit when merging? I found myself doing my best (and by best I mean horrible) impersonation of Samuel Jackson, “Cruise control motherfucker, do you use it?!?!?!?!” I don’t want you to go over the speed limit, but for the love of whatever gods do not exist, can you at least do the fucking speed limit? Is there a law that says if you’re handicap or over the age of 65 that you have to do at least five under? Oh, and don’t even get me started on idiots slamming on their brakes when they see a police officer. Newsflash morons, you only have to break to the speed limit. If the speed limit is 70, why the fuck are you breaking to 60? FUCKING IDIOTS!!!!! Okay… I feel better now.

12/15

The woman at the next table sounds like a female Deepak Chopra. Kill me now.

He’s feeling better and the fool wants to watch a Lifetime movie… about hospitals.

12/16

Feeling the need to watch my favorite Christmas movie: Die Hard.

Harvard finals are ‘da bomb!

Lesson I learned today: when life gets hard, call in a bomb threat.

70-year-old woman in the car in front of me is head banging to Quiet Riot. #FloridaLife #StllRockin

Not sure why they are endangered, I’ve seen plenty of man tease here in Florida.

Liam Neeson’s cock is so big, that he hired Greenpeace as a bodyguard to protect it against Japanese whalers. #HollywoodBabbleOn

But how will we find Baby Jesus?

Okay men, time to start flying in formation: even going to the bathroom together so we all look good. (Cheerleader Effect)

Meanwhile… on the set of Star Wars VII at Disney Studios…

12/17

Dad has to go to a nursing home for a few weeks rehab. A home for nurses sounds like fun!

So my Dad has to go to a nursing home. I’m jealous. I’d love to breastfeed all day.

Is this legitimate Sexasaurus Rex science?

So that is where they come from! Or is this just shameless self-promotion?

Is there a law I don’t know about that requires handicap drivers to go at least five under the speed limit? #RetiredFlorida

This is the problem with the world today: the over-objectification of snow.

12/18

I was on ReapSow Radio. Listen to the archive.

Is Duck Dynasty that boring?

I can’t tell if this is an “Oh shit!” or a “Watch my awesome!”

12/19

Always check for reflective surfaces when watching porn or hentai. If not… BUSTED!

If baseball is a metaphor for sex, then I must be a sports commentator, because I’m not a player! Sometimes I’m the third-base coach.

12/20

Duck Dynasty is scripted and fabricated – so once again Christians are defending a work of fiction.

Dirty Santa gift ready. Cheap and easy. The gift… not me. Okay, me too.

Do you think whoever invented the word diarrhea intentionally wanted it to sound like “dire rear?”

Mud jumping would be awesome if the fashion was better.

I told you I was cheap… only $.25!

A friend asked if he could swipe a credit card in my rear. I told him there was a $3 minimum purchase on credit cards.

I wonder how many people stand at the bottom waiting for the movie to start…

BWAHAHA: 12/7 – 12/13

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 12/7 – 12/13: I traveled to Florida this week to help my Dad move for his divorce. The day we leave I find out he’s reconciled and we’re going down to move all the stuff. Fickle bastard.  Then he ended up in the hospital… but that’s next week’s BWAHAHA.

12/7

Life is like a juice box: you don’t know how empty it is until you’re sucking on the last of it.

12/9

Sarah Palin, “Atheists are trying to abort Christ from Christmas.” Distraction working since we’re trying to abort Christ in general.

12/10

Make a book-based movie and viewers complain, “It wasn’t like the book!” Make it like the book and you get, “It’s too long and boring!”
Or “There’s too much walking!”

I think white Jesus may live in Tifton, GA. At least that was the impression I got from all the billboards with his picture on them.

12/11

I’ve already been greeted by a half naked woman pacing in the parking lot. Thank you Florida.

Life is like a vibrator: it can bring pleasure or pain, be gentle or rough, but ultimately the batteries die.

During the Happy Holidays, suicide rates go up. If you’re gonna go… go Happy!

I would say I’m bored off my ass, but I’m sitting on it, so I’m more bored on my ass.

My suicide note will read, “I did not commit suicide. I accidentally hung myself.” #LifeInsuranceStrategies

Oh no, I forgot to lock the shark cage and fell into the shark’s mouth! #LifeInsuranceStrategies

Uh-oh, I was driving too fast and accidentally drove off this 1,000 foot cliff into the an active volcano! #LifeInsuranceStrategies

12/12

Why is our culture afraid of young black men? Watching COPS we should be afraid of rednecks.

12/13

For a religion of homophobia, Christians certainly have a very homoerotic relationship with their Jesus.

That was a really tough conference call:

Blog Entry: Interesting License Plate

There’s only one way to solve the argument over the race of Santa Claus:

It never ceases to amaze me how easy it is to identify a FOX News viewer just from the stupid shit coming out of their mouth.

Interesting License Plate

I pulled forward into the designated parking space to wait for my drive-thru food at McDonald’s. A few minutes later a young lady came out with my food in hand and walked toward my car. As I watched her in the mirror I could see her look at my license plate and make a face. I giggled, as I always do.

As she handed me my food through the window she said, “Interesting license plate.”

I replied, “Thanks!”

“So do you have it just rile people up?” she asked.

“No, did it rile you up?” I asked her.

“A little bit,” she replied.

“Oh, well there are only two reasons for it to rile you up, either you have weak faith or you’re a bigot. Which one describes you?”

She made a face and walked away. I’m going with bigot. I wonder if she works on Sundays at McDonald’s.

BWAHAHA: 11/30 – 12/6

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 11/30 – 12/6: I got to spend most of the week in Monroe, Louisiana and Cleburne, Texas (just south of Dallas). And all the driving in between. I left cold weather and arrived in the upper 70’s. Then had to bail quickly before Snowmaggedon or Snowpocalypse started. I left Shreveport, Louisiana right as the cold front was starting to come in and it was 54 degrees. Ten miles later is was 72 degrees. Weather is just fucking weird.

And then there was the sickness. I got horribly sick. I spent the night in Cleburne in a hotel room shaking uncontrollably in a shitty bed, curled in a fetal position, and struggling to breathe. I probably should have gone to the ER, but I have these things called testes which prevent me from going to see a doctor unless another homo sapiens with ovaries is there to insist that I go. Fucking evolution. It was 80 degrees outside and I had to turn the heat on to 85 in order to stop shaking and finally break my fever. I woke up in a pool of sweat so deep that the next night’s customers were going to be sleeping in my wet spot.

On the way back home at the rest area at mile marker 299 on the I-65 in Alabama, a Christian approached me asking about my license plate and the atom vinyl on my hood. He said he was Church of Christ and loved how science proved the Bible. Oh boy… here we go. I asked him to give me one example and he said Noah’s flood. He immediately began to defend his statement when he saw the “Are you fucking serious, you moron?” look on my face. He tells me how science has proved a regional flood, so therefore Noah’s flood was real and therefore science proves the Bible. Okay, so science has indeed found evidence of a regional flood stemming from the Black Sea area that caused massive flooding to reach the Nile. That regional flood occurred 2,000 years after the estimated time of the Noachian Flood. So I asked him, “Science found a regional flood, not global, not 9 cubits above the highest mountain, and no Ark with two of every species, right?” He replies yes. “And this proves a biblical global flood with an Ark carrying two of each species how again?” He didn’t really have an answer for that. He then goes on to tell me that he gives his brother crap for being a biologist and not accepting evolution and that he himself loves science. Then he says American Atheists is doing a great job and to keep up the good work. I left that conversation more confused than he did.

11/30

The jokes are just coming out Fast & Furious tonight…

I wonder if they finished filming Fast & Furious 7 yet…

Someone should have been more Walker and less Driver.

12/1

Was Paul Walker driving the tank? #TheWalkingDead

12/2

Tuscaloosa looks depressed today. I wonder why? Oh well, driving on.

Alabama in my rearview. Mississippi in my windshield. talk about frying pan to fire.

Arrived safe and sound. That’s if you can call Monroe, LA “safe”or “sound.”

12/3

Hotel customer asks if there is a bookstore close by: staff sends him to WalMart. /facepalm

Twelve minute wait for a spicy breast at Popeye’s? Yep, worth it.

Does anyone actually know how to drive in Texas?

Eating nothing but cough drops and Advil is a good diet, right?

12/4

Man, Advil & cough drop farts are the worse!

My body wants to sleep, but my mind is like, “Fuck that, let’s do a one-man show in your head!”

12/5

If I ever own an apartment complex, I’m going to call it Fleur d’Lease.

That’s it, I’m installing a rocket launcher on my car!

Personally, I thought the Mandolin died centuries ago, but everyone seems pissy about it today. Weird.

District 9 was the best documentary about pre-Mandela South Africa.

Diplomatic Immunity!
Just been revoked.
(Mandela joke in disguise)

Every time someone says I pissed in their Wheaties, I take a shit in their oatmeal for good measure.

I was saddened to hear that the actor who starred in Driving Miss Daisy died today. South Africa just won’t be the same without him.

People give preppers shit, but preppers aren’t complaining about the power being out or stores being closed right now.

Some people have sticks so far up their asses that their breath smells like acorns.

I dated cougars when I was in high school. Did I mention I went to Canyon Springs, home of the Cougars?

12/6

Grocery shopping complete!

Comedians are pretty much truthful liars.

A lesser know historical figure was Jack’s twin brother, John the Mender.