BWAHAHA: 7/12 – 7/18

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 7/12 – 7/18: All week the great storms went north and south of me. Everything that was coming my way that looked promising, petered or fizzled out. And then when it did rain… it was a boring, drippy, drizzling, fuck the sun kinda rain for 48 hours. Fuck you Mother Nature! But hey, I had two days of “fall weather” or “spring weather,” depending on one’s personal preference, so I figured why not get some yard work done! But that damn green hose was hiding in the tall green grass (tall because it’s been fucking raining for days) and gets sucked into the blades of my John Deere. And there ends my yard work. The John Deere is still sitting where it stalled and got the hose stuck in it. Why is it still sitting there? Because it’s FUCKING RAINING again! For two days fucking straight! Seriously, fuck you Mother Nature.

OTHER

Years of Tetris prepared me for packing boxes and moving trucks, but it didn’t prepare me for Alabama heat! #alwx #MissingPolarVortex

I forgot to post the pic of the “supermoon!” What was I thinking?

I’m convinced at this point that Mother Nature’s fucking with me.

I find myself torn between Weird Al’s take and Stephen Fry’s take. #FirstWorldProblems

A great way to ID trouble spots, the third world, and places no one wants to go.

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS

Mud Truck with Confederate flag in window & secret KKK symbol on bumper. Roll alongside and they’re head bopping to NWA. #DoingRacismWrong

The last time in history that this many people across the globe were talking about Germany, they were rooting against them.

Road Kill collector. #BadSummerJobs

Pool boy at a porn set. #BadSummerJobs

Gutter cleaner after a hurricane. #BadSummerJobs

Holding lightning attraction devices for research scientists in Florida. #BadSummerJobs

Riding shotgun to Reed Timmer documenting how many times he gets excited. #BadSummerJobs

The Public Relations person dealing with real life storm chasers criticizing the science after #IntoTheStorm hits theaters. #BadSummerJobs

Why do they call it “Conspiracy Thinking” when there’s no thinking involved?

Another Malaysian flight, Israel invades Gaza, ISIS being stupid in Syria & Iraq, Beiber DUI: #AlexJones must be going apeshit about now.

CAPTION CENTRAL

Found my new storm chasing pants!

WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

How many times do I need to tell you? Always be aware of your surroundings!

And so the rise of the apes starts…

Hurricane, tornado, or Godzilla?

Impervious to workplace flatulence.

30 years ago, Tina was left standing at the altar. She’s never fully recovered from that experience.

Camels make it through the eye of the needle and the rich get into Heaven. We’ll just ignore Matthew 19:24.

This week on Twitter (4/26 – 5/3)

This week’s attempt to be funny on Twitter from 4/26 to 5/3 (posted in order of Tweets). This week was a little hard for me to stay active on Twitter since I was on the road for work.

4/26

I bet the Tsarnaev brothers shoplifted those pressure cookers.

Still hunting the WMD’s. No, this time we’re Syrius. #SyriaWMD

I can’t tell who is saner, #MamaTsarnaev or #AlexJones.

4/27

I wonder if there will be any Boston jokes at the Correspondent’s Dinner tonight.

Wow, the “book burning with Michelle Bachman” is going to get some hell from Republicans and Fundies. LOL

4/29

Scientists should invent a device for meat packaging that warns when the meat is spoiled and call them Spoiler Alerts.

4/30

If I want to rub one out… I use an eraser, and then write a two instead.

5/1

Someone needs to dance around my May Pole.

5/2

Drugs make me wanna jump, jump! Defibrillators make me wanna jump, jump! #RIPChrisKelly

5/3

Every Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup commercial is a subliminal message about sex.

Forty-something engineers hitting on twenty-something drunk girls at the bar. Funny shit.

Did anyone let GE know that The Matrix is soooooooooo yesterday?

The only way I can watch War of the Worlds with Tom Cruise is no volume, so Dakota Fanning doesn’t irritate me.

Think I need to start building an Ark, but this time I’m not inviting the dinosaurs, they didn’t even show up last time!

This week on Twitter (4/19 – 4/26)

This week’s attempt to be funny on Twitter from 4/19 to 4/26 (posted in order of Tweets). I was seriously bored off my ass this week and didn’t do much. I didn’t even get to do my open mics in town like normal. The funny just wasn’t in me for some reason like it normally is. Although, to be fair, that may have something to do with Dragon’s Dogma coming in from Game Fly and me spending 12 hours a day playing it (hehe).

4/21

The Defense Directorate of Earth Defense sported gay pride bands before it was trendy. #NerdJokes

4/22

One thing people forget about the moral high horse: horses shit and piss everywhere.

Surprised to hear Chrissy Amphlett succumbed to breast cancer. Figured she’d catch it early as much as she touched herself.

4/23

The sex was awesome. #teacherschangelives

It’s hard to lose weight while watching Anthony Bourdain and Andrew Zimmern eating street vendor Mexican food.

4/25

Today we celebrate the beginning of Idiocracy. #GeorgeBushLibrary

4/26

I bet the Tsarnaev brothers shoplifted those pressure cookers. #MamaTsarnaev

Still hunting the WMD’s. No, this time we’re Syrius. #SyriaWMD

I can’t tell who is saner, #MamaTsarnaev or #AlexJones.