This week on Twitter (4/12 – 4/19)

This week’s attempt to be funny on Twitter from 4/12 to 4/19 (posted in order of Tweets). Yeah, yeah, yeah… I’m running almost three weeks behind on getting these up on the web page. Fuck off already. This is the week of the Boston Marathon bombing. Comedy helps bring levity to stressful situations and is a coping mechanism for many people: it’s why trauma physicians, police officers, fire fighters, soldiers, and more use humor during times of stress. This was followed by the explosion in West, Texas. This humor may seem insensitive to the ignorant, but it is far from such. After 9/11 everyone was afraid to be funny and it was the wrong thing to do. I was glad to see humor after Boston. It was much needed.

4/15

Did the condom just break? #5WordsiHateToHear

No, that’s my natural lubricant. #5WordsiHateToHear

Republican candidate takes the lead. #5WordsiHateToHear

Have you heard about Jesus? #5WordsiHateToHear

I’d run the #BostonMarathon, but I don’t have a leg to stand on. #TooSoon

4/16

People keep saying, “We’ve always had a blast on Patriots Day and at the Boston Marathon.” Maybe we can choose another word?

#WelcomeToMySchoolWhere if you think everything is funny until they make fun of your pet issue: you’re expelled.

Supreme Court signals skepticism on patenting genes: so when can I get customized children?

Vandals destroy transformers in N. California, causing brownouts during optimum prime periods.

4/17

Libertarians, conservatives, licorice, Andrea Mitchell & Wolf Blitzer. #5ThingsThatAnnoyMe

4/18

In breaking news, the ATF conducted a raid on the city of West, Texas.

Once Little Miss Muffet ran away, did the spider ravish the curds and whey?

4/19

Oh man, the tension is like being inside a pressure cooker! #Watertown

I think their motive was to hear Bostonians say the word “terrah” all the time on the news. #BostonMarathon #Watertown

Wow, that traffic in #Watertown is so bad that even the police are gridlocked.

One man can change the world. Just ask Dzhokar Tsarnaev: he got millions to watch CNN for 19 hours straight.

Premiering this season on MTV, “Nineteen & Famous.” #Watertown

I have this weird urge to eat pirozhki. #Watertown

The Walking Dead should be filming episodes in Boston right now. Streets already empty.

That possum walked away saying, “Fuck, that guy is an amazing driver. I should be dead.”

Damnit, I’m missing the Macy’s Christmas Parade! #Watertown

Wait, I thought we already killed Osama. What was he doing in #Watertown ?

Dzhokar Tsarnae was like, “I’m on a boat, I’m on a boat, take a good hard look at the motherfucking boat!” #Watertown

So can we start profiling white people now? #Watertown #TSA #PatriotAct

Okay, that was fun… so when do the Boston Riots start? #Watertown

It’s times like these that make me forget about police brutality. #Watertown

If Bush were still in office, we’d be going to war with Czechoslovakia tomorrow. #Watertown #BostonMarathon

Dammit, another day that I’m supposed to “never forget.” #Alamo #PearlHarbor #9/11 #BostonMarathon

Dammit Dzhokar Tsarna, you’re interrupting Anthony Bourdain Parts Unknown! @Watertown

Sad Dr. Seuss

Sad Dr. Suess was trending on Twitter, so I felt obligated to contribute to the misery that was taking place.

Why do you cut yourself in such a way? Because the bullies call me gay. #SadDrSeuss

I didn’t wear a condom when I had sex. Now I fork out child support Checks. #SadDrSeuss

My father got to see men go to the moon. I got to see the bubble go boom. #SadDrSeuss

“Oh look at that beauty fire in the sky,” said the Brontosaurus before he died. #SadDrSeuss

I went go to dip it in the wick, but she said I had a little dick. #SadDrSeuss

I wanted my country to go far, but we kept electing Republitards. #SadDrSeuss

I wanted to roll on waves on a ship, but only had a Triumph rolling in shit. #SadDrSeuss

It’s a bird! It’s a plane! No, it’s a drone! Now I have no home. #SadDrSeuss

I went to a priest for advice on a guilt trip, but he gave me more than a tip. #SadDrSeuss

I made a wish on a Hollywood star, now I’m in jail for taking stalking too far. #SadDrSeuss

Went to Los Angeles to check out the scene and was accidentally shot by the LAPD. #SadDrSeuss

At the airport stall that guy’s foot was over the edge, luckily it was just Larry Craig. #SadDrSeuss

Found out I was adopted by another, so I put a request for likes on Facebook asking, “Are you my Mother?” #SadDrSeuss

I saw that guy Rodney King get beat. And To Think That I Saw It On Mulberry Street . #SadDrSeuss

She said my tongue was in the know then told me, “Oh, the Places You’ll Go!” #SadDrSeuss

Last month I didn’t put a condom on my tip, now I’ve got the horrible drip. #SadDrSeuss

Oh the stories you will tell when at night they close the cell. Behind the bars with guards away, oh the gay games we will play. #SadDrSeuss

Religious morality they tried to sell by telling me I’d go to hell. But logic showed a better way to engage the world and behave. #SadDrSeuss

One fist, two fist, three fist, four, oh you’re such a dirty whore. #SadDrSeuss

Turns out The Onion had to punt for calling a nine-year-old girl a cunt. #SadDrSeuss