BWAHAHA: 10/4 – 10/10

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 10/4 – 10/10: So this week Alabama, specifically Birmingham, shined with stupidity for all the world to see. A passenger on a flight from Chicago to Birmingham got sick on the plane… so of course it had to be EBOLA!!!!! The plane lands and the Birmingham airport shuts down while HazMat teams, Firefighters, and police officers converge on the airport. Turns out, of course, that the patient didn’t have Ebola. Well no shit, assholes! So are we now going to shut down airports at the first fucking sneeze? Or just when black men with African accents sneeze? The best part of this entire fiasco was the commentary on the news item. Scientific illiteracy in Alabama? Surely thou doth jest! Comments such as:

“Diverted to a Red State? Where was it originally supposed to go?” Clayton G.

Well Clayton, if you had this thing called reading comprehension, or you actually read the article instead of the headline, you’d notice the flight was coming into Birmingham. But your question really insinuates that, what, President Obama can just call up ATC and demand a plane with suspected Ebola go to a state that didn’t vote for him? You believe in Bigfoot, don’t you Clayton?

“Maybe we dodged the bullet on this one… maybe not.. just saying.” Kathie M

Well Kathie, what you’re actually saying is that you have no idea what “dodged a bullet means.” If the patient actually had Ebola and no one was infected and they quarantined the patient in time: that would be motherfucking dodging a bullet. And why the “just saying” at the end… what are you insinuating exactly, because I’m not sure if you know this, but we’re not fucking psychics.

“How are they SO SURE, SO FAST?!?! I’m not… I am sick of this crap!” – Jamie H.

Well Jamie, there’s this thing called a blood test that takes less than an hour to determine if Ebola is present in your blood stream. The fact that you’re not sure of a fact just means you’re not a scientist, you know, someone who actually knows what the fuck they’re talking about, and it also lets me know you’re a Republican, Creationist, and Conspiracy Theory nutter all in one meat sack. And what crap are you sick of exactly? The THREE, motherfucking THREE, cases of Ebola in the United States? I mean, damn, so many of them, no wonder you’re so sick of it!

“This is probably caused from the government itself. I mean seriously, think about it! You can’t trust them. Period.” – Amber J.

By government, you mean the government of Liberia, right? Oh, you meant the United States. So 2.8 million government employees are just casually keeping their mouths shut as they infect thousands of people in Liberia and then let them fly over to the United States to start infecting Americans. Well, if they are, at a minimum it’s a reinforcement of the inefficiency of government. The Libertarians would be proud!

Hey, the next episode of The Critical Eye Podcast has been scheduled for October 16th at 7 pm CST. Make sure you go to the web page to listen live, call in live, and chat live!

OTHER STUFF:

Regarding Ebola in Dallas: “I say we take off and nuke the entire site from orbit. It’s the only way to be sure.” – Ripley

Just laid out a schedule for a major installation and my boss says, “Make it so.” I had no choice but to reply, “Aye, Captain!”

Watching straight guys trying to pick up girls in a lesbian bar is pretty funny. #TheMoreYouKnow

The CDC announced today to be wary of, and report, any black man with an African-sounding name who sneezes. Rednecks everywhere rejoiced.

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATION:

Casino Royale With Cheese #LesserBondMovies @midnight

Dr. Nein! Nein! Nein! #LesserBondMovies @midnight

From Prussia with Love #LesserBondMovies @midnight

Goldfingerlickin’good #LesserBondMovies @midnight

Blunderball #LesserBondMovies @midnight

On His Majesty’s Secretion Service #LesserBondMovies @midnight

Blood Diamonds Are Forever #LesserBondMovies @midnight

The Funny Man with the Golden Pun #LesserBondMovies @midnight

The Spy Kids Who Loved Me #LesserBondMovies @midnight

Leafraker: Autumn on the Moon #LesserBondMovies @midnight

Four Eyes Only #LesserBondMovies @midnight

Octomompussy #LesserBondMovies @midnight

Askew to a Chill #LesserBondMovies @midnight

The Giving Gaylights #LesserBondMovies @midnight

Licence to Drive #LesserBondMovies @midnight

Dye Another Lei #LesserBondMovies @midnight

The Phantasmagoria of the Opera #SpookyBroadway @midnight

Scats #SpookyBroadway @midnight

Chicago Fire of 1871 #SpookyBroadway @midnight

Les vampyre Misérables #SpookyBroadway @midnight

A Tyrannocaurus Line #SpookyBroadway @midnight

Mummy Mia! #SpookyBroadway @midnight

Jersey Shore Boys #SpookyBroadway @midnight

Fiddler Spider on the Roof #SpookyBroadway @midnight

Hello, Porcelain Dolly! #SpookyBroadway @midnight

My Werelady #SpookyBroadway @midnight

Mary Poppin’ Eyeballs #SpookyBroadway @midnight

Avenue al’Qaeda #SpookyBroadway @midnight

Raggedy Annie #SpookyBroadway @midnight

Rock of Mages #SpookyBroadway @midnight

Tain’t Misbehavin’ #SpookyBroadway @midnight

Barefoot in the Dark #SpookyBroadway @midnight

Screamgirls #SpookyBroadway @midnight

Maim #SpookyBroadway @midnight

The Look of Whoremen #SpookyBroadway @midnight

The Seven Year Witch #SpookyBroadway @midnight

Rabies in Toyland #SpookyBroadway @midnight

Muenster Mash #CheeseSongs @midnight

Let the Gouda Times Roll #CheeseSongs @midnight

Briebird #CheeseSongs @midnight

Putting on the Swiss (on Ritz) #CheeseSongs @midnight

I Think We’re Provolone Now #CheeseSongs @midnight

Wake Me Up Before You Asiago-go #CheeseSongs @midnight

Blue Cheese Shoes #CheeseSongs @midnight

Pepper Jack & Diane #CheeseSongs @midnight

Queso Sera, Sera #CheeseSongs @midnight

It’s My Havarti and I’ll Cry If I Want To #CheeseSongs @midnight

Parmesan Sugar On Me #CheeseSongs @midnight

CAPTION CENTRAL:

Someone must have watched #IntoTheStorm.

BWAHAHA: 5/24 – 5/30

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 5/24 – 5/30: The news hyped the shit out of the Camel Toe Meteor Shower: the shower that had never been to Earth before. I sat out in my yard for 45 minutes and all I saw was lightning bugs. So a big fuck you to the Universe.

I went and saw Maleficent Friday the 30th and I really enjoyed it (no spoilers here, I promise). Reading some of the criticisms online I can’t help but wonder what people thought they were getting? Did they think they were going to see an M Night Shyamalanadingdong movie? Were they expecting JJ Abrams? Michael Bay? It was a Disney movie and if you expected anything but a Disney movie then you should be doing a critique of yourself. This was a pure Disney movie through and through and it was done beautifully. It passed the Bechdel Test with flying colors. The amazing part was the lack of clear and defined roles of good and evil, with characters being both and dealing with those internal struggles. Angelina Jolie nailed the role and was incredible. The movie is dark and has a lot of death in it (you never see the deaths happen: it’s insinuated or you see afterwards (think Dumbledore’s fall and then you see him on the ground but never see him hit the ground), but dark is not new for Disney. Was the movie Amazing? Of course not, it’s a Disney movie. Was it good? You betcha! One thing I can consistently count on is that if critics hate a movie, I know I’m going to like it and if they love a movie (or it’s nominated for Best Picture) then I know I’m probably going to hate it.

The scariest part of Maleficent was the teaser for the new Cinderella movie being released in 2015.

5/24

Meteor! Never mind, lightning bug. Meteor! Never mind, lightning bug. Meteor! Fucking lightning bugs.

Ghost peppers in mac & cheese with hot sausage? Oh yeah… I’m on fire. But it’s a good spontaneous combustion.

My article “My First Threesome” was published in The Rocket Wrangler. TRW is where local comedians post their funny articles and fake news.

5/25

I was passing someone doing 10 under in the left lane and Colony 5’s song “Unaware” started playing. #AwesomeCoincidence

5/28

I really hate getting sick. More than I hate being sick. I’m not a fan of suspense.

5/29

“How was I supposed to know that everyone would call me out for wearing white?”

It suddenly dawned on Nicole why she was so cold.

And here we have someone who clearly wasn’t very good at Pitfall on the Atari 2600.

After tons of criticism from earlier teaser pics, the new TMNT movie has taken a new route to attract new fans.

Thanks evolution for evolving the virus that attacked me yesterday. And thanks for the immune system that kicked the virus’ ass last night!

Thoughts of fleeing were dashed upon discovering the only two fit officers on the force manning the DUI checkpoint.

Steve thought he had the most amazing hose in the universe.

Meanwhile… in the Libertarian utopia… (Wait, there’d be no roads in the Libertarian Utopia)

I fatwa in your general direction!

5/30

Fifteen minutes later I was arrested for beating the shit out of a cat.

I think I know where the nozzle goes… but does it take unleaded or diesel?

Who needs a high school diploma when you can work at a grocery store bakery?

No one was going to get free coffee as long as McDougal was on watch!

The spice rack in the Thai restaurant fell on top of me. I’m physically fine, but totally Thai dyed.

I have a guest at my front door. He’s not moving. #MexicanStandoff

The restaurant: hot. Candy store: hot. Theater: hot. My house: hot. Did all the A/C’s break down? I’m now looking for the Happy Toyz truck.

So Disney is remaking Cinderella (2015 release). I’m skeptically intrigued and ruefully mused.

So that’s how new My Little Ponies are made…

BWAHAHA: 3/8 – 3/14

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 3/8 – 3/14: Mother Nature was crazy this week down here in Alabama. In a 24-hour period I went from Air Conditioning to Heater and then back to Air Conditioning. Someone needs to punch Mother Nature in the ovaries.

3/8

Fuck it, it’s insured. Right? Wait, what do you mean it’s not insured!?!?!?!

BLR 1:21; “Blair standeth at the pulpit with waving hands, he proclaimeth aloud, “Let there be cheese dip for all!

3/9

I was on Burn The Boats talking about comedy and the Huntsville scene!

3/10

Consensus seems to be that the mating season should be in the Fall. So what would the human mating call be? I think (for men (and some women) it’ll be more like Peacocking: Spreading out they money in your wallet, fanning it out, and waving it around, while strutting in your finest clothes around your BMW.

You know, the more I think about, the more pissed I am that no one got me a Labia Menorah for Hanukkah!

3/11

Might want to see a doctor about that explosive ass of yours. Doctor visit is likely cheaper than all those patches.

Training young Republicans to participate in American healthcare…

“He’s got the whole world, in his jazz hands!”

In honor of #Cosmos, check out The Critical Eye Podcast we did with Neil deGrasse Tyson!

3/12

One thing the Malaysian crash has taught us: if we ever go to war with Malaysia, they’ll never find our submarines.

Seductive Delusions: How Everyday People Catch STDs, by Jill Grimes #SpringBreakBooks

Wow… the wind here is blowing harder than Snookie!

A hospital is not being “put to the test” when they are treating three patients. Stupid journalists.

And she wonders why she’s still single… #Housekeeping

New Libertarian dentist office.

Humans… the other white meat.

Don Lemon has never seen anything like this (#HarlemExplosion)? Really? Umm… 9/11 anyone?

Pinkies up!

Oh yeah! #TWD birthday!

3/13

1988 like a MOFO! I miss that outfit. #TBT

Used to get blue: now depression, sad: now bipolar, excited: now ADHD, jock itch: oh, still jock itch.

I wonder if anyone stuffed her ballot box? On a serious note, what were her parents thinking?

3/14

To celebrate Pi day, I’m going to eat cake. Because fuck math.

BWAHAHA: 3/1 – 3/7

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 3/1 – 3/7: This week was a pretty slow week for me. I was distracted by my real job and by Suzie (Suzie, you’re amazing!).  I did get to rant and rave against skinny people who always seem to want to offer advice to us fat folks when we go on diets and exercise. He skinny person, you have no fucking clue, so fuck off.

3/1

I love it when people tell me, “That food is bad for you.” No shit! Now tell me about this Jesus guy I’ve never heard of!

What happened to “Jesus Take the Wheel?”

What happens when you buy cheap funeral arrangements…

Libertarian roads… part II.

3/2

Dopamine crash in 3… 2… zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Lucky for me, Parmesan cheese tastes amazing when it’s slightly burnt.

Beth be like, “You’re not my dad!” #TWD

But I like peach schnapps! #TWD

Bad moonshine can make you go blind, just like masturbation. #TWD

Daryl came so close to a reacharound. #TWD

I think ‘Walking On Sunshine’ by Katrina & the Waves should have been playing while the house burned. #TWD

3/3

If you’re gonna party, then dammit, PARTY! (She probably has a degree in Marketing)

Random snowflakes falling in downtown Huntsville. Someone punch Mother Nature in the crotch!

Apparently the Zombiepocalypse might be happening on my street. That’s a shitload of emergency vehicles…

Fighting the urge to sing my playlist while at the gym.

3/4

I’m pretty sure my friends have a pool going on when I change my relationship status. Dicks!

Suzie’s dog vomited all over me. That’s a sign of approval, right?

3/5

Guy pulled off a great move to avoid rear ending me at 60. So I have him a thumbs up. #MissedConnections

3/6

New FedEx home delivery…

Physics: sometimes you just can’t explain that shit.

I made the shirt I’ll be wearing at DragonCon this year (buy your own here):

BWAHAHA: 2/15 – 2/21

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 2/15 – 2/21: This was actually a pretty fun week for me. I got my new speakers in (600W). I hooked them up to the PS3 and the whole house shakes when I throw a grenade. And for karaoke: one speaker for the music and mics now! The great thing is that I only have to turn the volume up to ¼ of the wattage to hear the music everywhere in the house. My neighbors are going to hate me after a while.

I finally got Last Of Us from GameFly. I was worried that it was going to be one of those stupid “smash this button to help the movie continue” games, but it’s pretty interactive. And it is a beautiful game. The graphics are amazing. It does bring up a lot of morality issues to think about in a post-apocalypse world. One thing, it definitely reinforced my view about having kids around during the Zombiepocalypse and why that’s a bad idea. Conveniently, so did Sunday’s episode of The Walking Dead. Just use kids as zombie bait.

2/15

My brain still hurts from the pseudoscientific bullshit coming spouted by the woman at the table next to mine at lunch.

Someone told me not to start what I can’t finish. Wrong, you have to leave it unfinished so the person is like, “WTF just happened?”

2/16

Ready for my Sunday dose of #pudding. #TWD

I brought chocolate #pudding to our #TWD screening.

It’s always fun to watch people get into Internet fights over subjective shit. “The TV show I like is better than the one you like!”

World’s tallest mermaid photographed off Australian coast.

I use it enough that I officially added the word “Zombiepocalypse” to my computer’s dictionary. No more red line!

2/17

I can’t wait for it to get hot again so that Fox News will conveniently stop talking about global warming. #ScienceDenyingMorons

It took over an hour conversation to decide where to eat. And then the decision was Hardee’s. #FirstWorldProblems

That awkward moment when Match.Com recommends your ex. Umm….

I’m glad you have friends, but I can’t tell which one is you in your dating site picture.

Oh look, a picture of a dog on your dating site profile! So that’s what you look like!

Really, you put a picture of you and your ex hugging on your dating profile? Maybe you should just go back to him.

Just what I wanted to see on your dating profile: a meme! That’s great! You know this isn’t Facebook, right?

2/19

A colorful map of the South that doesn’t involve snowfall? Cool! WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!!!!

What’s the matter, kitten, you don’t like a human’s ass in YOUR face?

2/20

After someone tried to hack my Facebook, I changed my password to “upyourshacker.” Oh wait… shit…

Go and buy these awesome t-shirts and help support local comedy in Huntsville, AL. (Hey, my name’s on there!)

Someone just complained that CGI made movies look like video games. Yeah, because watching puppets was better.

It gets warm for one day and the bugs are fucking like there’s no tomorrow.

Did anyone else get the memo that we’re testing Libertarianism this week by salting our own roads after the snow?

Libertarian Fire Department responds to a grass fire.

Of course the cell I’m chasing to photograph lightning goes tornadic. Of course!

2/21

If your idea requires woo to promote it, then it just might be wrong.

Sunbathing, city style.

We’re all gonna die!

Thanks to a friend’s typo, I may not be able to look at his Mom with a straight face ever again.

Thinking about changing my personalized license plate to ZOMBIE. #MidLifeCrisis

Know what I miss most about Syria? The weekend Burqa Raids at the women’s sorority houses at University.

Grandpa got busted!

Mike says Sully’s been jealous of his face since the 4th grade, but they met at Monsters University! #SpaceTimeContinuum