This week’s attempt to be funny on Twitter from 4/5 to 4/12 (posted in order of Tweets). I have to admit I had a really slow week because I was fucking lazy. I really only made an effort one day.
Church in theater… lady behind me in line says, “I’m beginning to think Jesus was a used car salesman.”
Mudslide derails Amtrak train: no one waiting at the next stop notices the train is late.
3yo girl killed by garage door: prosecutors say door showing no signs of remorse.
I’m going to NYC next weekend to eat at restaurants. Why? Because I like playing Russian Roulette.
Mexican Gray Wolf making a comeback in US. So much for the efficiency of the Minutemen!
Iran, Syria, N. Korea block global treaty to control arms trade. Why does their vote even count? Only adults should vote.
IKEA halts moose lasagna sales after finding pork in it. Whew! I thought they were going to say horse!
I wanted to get my shirt in Manatee Grey, but apparently Target no longer offers that choice.
If Jay-Z and Beyoncé get to go to Cuba, we all get to go to Cuba, It’ll be anarchy! (*all hail Breakfast Club)
Margaret Thatcher dead. The “Iron Lady” has rusted. Your What? Tin roof. Rusted.
I bet Lena Headey (GoT Cersei Lannister) could solve her financial problems by asking geeks to send her $1.
Mufasa married Simba to keep Scar from inheriting the throne. Damn you gay marriage!
Sirens everywhere: so either a bad wreck or a meth lab blew up. Yep, those are your Alabama odds.
Roman Colosseum. #ClassicSportsVenue
When the referree called foul on the Christian for cutting off the lion’s leg. #WorstSportsCall