Alabama: Get Over Yourself

The Alabama probate judges reversed their opinion on the issuance of gay marriage licenses in the state of Alabama, after the federal judge clarified her position (because the probate judges initially said her ruling only applied to the couple in the case) in order to inform the probate judges that they were fucking morons who didn’t understand the law, and that it actually did apply to THE ENTIRE FUCKING STATE!

Then, just a few hours later, Tommy Ragland announces that there are staff shortages and that no marriage licenses or JOP ceremonies will be performed starting Monday. He insists that this was planned for months. So let me get this straight, you’ve had staff shortages for months, but decided months ago to not do anything about it until months later (aka this fucking Monday)? Am I really hearing this right?

Skeptical Blair is skeptical…

And then of course, our idiot Chief Justice, Roy Moore, decides to get involved and tell the Governor of Alabama to ignore the federal judge. Yeah, how’d that go for you last time Moore when you ignored a federal judge and were impeached?

Speaking of that, how in the motherfucking fuck, did an impeached Chief Justice get reelected to Chief Justice? How the fuck does that even happen? Oh yeah, because here in Alabama, if you love Jesus more than everyone else, you’ll get elected over the guy who actually knows how to do the job. I’d give Moore a tiny bit of slack if he actually knew how to be a fucking judge. But Moore is the most over-turned judge in the history of Alabama! He’s a judicial nightmare who wouldn’t know the law if it slapped him with a gay penis on his forehead!

It’s time for Roy Moore to retire and STFU. It’s time for Alabama to get over itself and move on.

BWAHAHA 1/17 – 1/23

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 1/17 – 1/23: First, let me start off by saying, THE MOTHERFUCKING SEAHAWKS ARE GOING TO THE MOTHERFUCKING SUPER BOWL!!!!!!! I’ve been a Seahawks fan since I was 13-years-old. I spent almost 30 years watching them lose and lose and lose and lose. And now, two years in a MOTHERFUCKING ROW!!!!! If you’re not a football fan, the next week is going to suck for you on social media.

So the State of the Union happened as well. I always enjoy watching the reaction of the Congress as the President speaks and what they do and do not decide to clap for and stand up for. It’s a great way to check out the mindset of each party. I’ve decided to start calling it the State of the Loonion. My observations based on the behavior of Republicans during the State of the Loonion Address:

• Republicans be like, “Fuck child care.”
• Republicans be like, “Fuck equal pay for women.”
• Republicans be like, “Fuck community college.”
• Republicans be like, “Fuck climate change and fuck future generations.”
• Republicans be like, “Fuck gay rights.”
• Republicans be like, “Fuck women’s access to health care.”
• Republicans be like, “Fuck the right to vote.”
• Republicans be like, “Fuck better politics.”
• Republicans be like, “Fuck the fact that Democrat and Republican citizens agreed with Obama 90% of the time on Bing Pulse tonight.”

Yeah, the Bing Pulse minute-by-minute poll showed Republicans and Democrats agreeing at least 90% of the time with everything Obama was saying. The red and blue lines were almost exactly the same throughout the entire speech. Independents were all over the place and looked like arrhythmia on an EKG, but that’s normal for them. So if Republican citizens agreed with almost everything Obama said… why are Republican leaders so against everything he said? Methinks your base is narrower than thou doth think!

OTHER STUFF:

• Thanks to YouTube’s random recommendations, I just discovered Japanese Steampunk.
• I tried to type “Go Colts” and auto correct changed it to “Go Clits.” I’m more surprised that Clits is in my phone’s dictionary.
• If the Patriots did use deflated balls, I say we take off and nuke the entire site from orbit. It’s the only way to be sure.
• Ready to watch the State of the Loonion.
• In the “I wish I had thought of this category:” Rich people: the reason your conspiracy theory is nonsense. Silly… but true.
• Osmosis: Becoming fans of Donny & Marie after hearing their songs at a friend’s house. Side note: you shouldn’t be friend with that person.
• Me: “Your dog and I have known each other for almost seven years.” GF: “But we’ve only known each other for about a year.” Me: “Exactly.”
• Mutineer: someone who climbs hills instead of mountains.
• Support LGBT rights? Don’t read the comments on articles about Alabama. The bigots are showing their asses and you don’t want to see it.
• Victory in Alabama for those who don’t let a Bronze Age book tell us who people can and cannot love.

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS:

• I drink so Lele b bow that I’m a librettist arty veining. 8 necessary to Dino now. #DrunkTexting
• Someone has some Green Bay NFC Champs shirts on sale somewhere. @Seahawks are #SuperbowlBound

@MIDNIGHT #HASHTAGWARS:

• The Bookie of Life #ToughGuyRomComs @midnight
• Pinch Hitter Perfect #ToughGuyRomComs @midnight
• Shredding Crashers #ToughGuyRomComs @midnight
• American Pie Hard (With a Vengeance) #ToughGuyRomComs @midnight
• There’s Something About Gary Cooper #ToughGuyRomComs @midnight
• Menchanted #ToughGuyRomComs @midnight
• The Housearrest Brony #ToughGuyRomComs @midnight
• Pretty in Pink Spray from a .50cal Bullet #ToughGuyRomComs @midnight
• Youv’e Got Male Pattern Baldness #ToughGuyRomComs @midnight
• Boxanne #ToughGuyRomComs @midnight

BWAHAHA 1/10 – 1/16:

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 1/10 – 1/16: It sleeted and snowed in Huntsville, Alabama on the 15th. Northerners may find that odd, but it’s not as uncommon here in North Alabama as one would think (just four years ago we had 12″ of snow on the ground at my house). What made this event unique was not the snow and sleet, but the fact that the city did not shut down at all. No school closings. No businesses shutting down. Redstone Arsenal stayed open. Colleges stayed open. The I-565 overpasses stayed open. If you live anywhere around Huntsville, you’ll know that the overpasses staying open is a major fucking deal when it comes to getting snow and ice in these parts. So well done Huntsville, you actually didn’t panic this time and there is still bread and milk in the grocery stores.

This week was both tedious and boring. Tedious because of all the sites I’m working on and then my boss threw three more on top of me. Tons of work to do for those sites. Boring, because it’s pretty much the same work for every single site. For those that don’t know, I work with prisons and jails. Both of those have a tendency to locate themselves in small towns and rural areas. The reason they do so is because small towns and rural areas vote them in so that the inmates count as their population, thus making their state and federal tax revenue greater. Yep, prisons are a money-making scheme all around. But newsflash prisons: building in those areas makes it hard sometimes to get the telecommunications that you need. A prison in the middle of nowhere in Pennsylvania that I’m working on is suffering from that now. The local TelCo cannot get the circuits I need until March 31st. So much for getting their system in within 45 days of the order coming in. Sure, build for economic reasons up front, but in the long run, that shit’s gonna cost you more than you’ve got coming in.

Friday night I had the pleasure of performing at the Alright Bayou Comedy Show here in Huntsville. It was an amazing show with a great crowd and my fellow comedians were awesome. Make sure you keep up with local comedy in Huntsville by following Huntsville Comedy on Twitter or Facebook and check out the Huntsville Comedy web page as well!

OTHER STUFF:

• Habanero powder in the nose… great way to start the night. On the plus side (after 100 sneezes), I can breathe really great!
• I guess I didn’t clean off the driver’s seat well enough… I now have a piece of glass stuck in my left ass cheek. Fun times ahead…
• I always appreciate when the Oscars nominations release: it lets me know which movies I don’t want to see (with a 99% accuracy rating).
• I like how a country music station in Texas favorited my Tweet about me not liking country music.
• It’s scary how well the Internet knows me sometimes…
• Snowmageddon: We’re All Gonna DIE! #alwx

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS:

• Some of us are getting more snow than others. ‪#‎WhitePrivilege‬

CAPTION CENTRAL:

• 

  Useth thou cell to texteth thine archers to unleasheth fury upon thine enemies!

• 

  Now everyone knows that Christina doesn’t want to get married. Ever. Learn something new: Gamophobia or Anthrophobia?

• 

  Someone needs to let Mike’s Mom know he sleeps with the fishes.

• 

  We’re all gonna DIE!!!!!!!

• 

  What it feels like to put on a condom.

• 

  Charles instantly regretted wearing pink to the black tie event.

BWAHAHA 1/3 – 1/9:

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 1/3 – 1/9: Another slow week. At least I got get to participate in the #HashtagWars twice this week. The excitement this week was the cold and my car. On Tuesday, heavy winds and intermittent flurries came in and blew my basketball goal down on my car. It took my insurance company about an hour to figure out if they were going to claim the damage under my car insurance or my homeowner’s insurance. In the end they decided on my car insurance because the basketball goal is not a “permanent structure.” So that means a lower deductible, at least. However, even that is too much money for me to afford right now. So I guess I’ll get the windshield replaced (as soon as I save up that money) and deal with the damage to the bumper and roof when I have the deductible money (by have that money, I mean in a few years). So I’m carless (yes, that’s a word now) for awhile. Hopefully we don’t get any storms coming through since I can’t chase until I at least get the windshield repaired.

Sometimes, when I tell my girlfriend that I love her, she replies, “Do you really?” A few nights ago in bed she said she loved me and I replied, “Do you really?” She started laughing and said, “Wow, that’s so annoying, I’m never saying that again!” And that’s why I love her so much. Yes, really.

OTHER STUFF:

• There are either a million spiders in my yard or my grass is frozen. #SparkleyEyes
• A gay man who buys a home is a homeowner.

@MIDNIGHT #HASHTAGWARS:

• Did you hear about the pun whose left side was cut off? He’s all right pun. #AddAPunRuinAPun @midnight
• I’m punning a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to pun down. #AddAPunRuinAPun @midnight
• I’m glad I know pun language, it’s pretty pundy. #AddAPunRuinAPun @midnight
• I couldn’t remember how to throw a punerange, but it came back to me. #AddAPunRuinAPun @midnight
• Atheism is a pun-prophet organization. #AddAPunRuinAPun @midnight
• Police were dispatched to a Kindergarten class where a three-year-old pun was resisting a rest. #AddAPunRuinAPun @midnight
• You need an Ark to save two of every species? Well, I Noah pun! #AddAPunRuinAPun @midnight
• In Vietnam I survived mustard gas. In peace protests I survived pepper spray. I’m now a seasoned pun! #AddAPunRuinAPun @midnight
• I punned into a Thai spice rack, now I’m Thai dyed. #AddAPunRuinAPun @midnight
• Punning a clock is very time consuming. #AddAPunRuinAPun @midnight
• My puncycle couldn’t stand because it was two-tired. #AddAPunRuinAPun @midnight
• I held the pun open for a clown, he punned me for the nice jester. #AddAPunRuinAPun @midnight
• I punned on a grape and it let out a little whine. #AddAPunRuinAPun @midnight
• I was told a pun about amnesia, but I’ve forgotten how it puns. #AddAPunRuinAPun @midnight
• The Wizard of Osmosis #MakeAMovieSmarter @midnight
• Singin’ in the Brain #MakeAMovieSmarter @midnight
• The Maltese Falconinae #MakeAMovieSmarter @midnight
• Snow White and the Seven Dwarf Stars #MakeAMovieSmarter @midnight
• On the H2O Front #MakeAMovieSmarter @midnight
• Raging Bull Market #MakeAMovieSmarter @midnight
• Once Upon a Time in the Western Medicine #MakeAMovieSmarter @midnight
• The Silence of the Lamba Lamda Lamda #MakeAMovieSmarter @midnight
• Fe Homo Sapiens #MakeAMovieSmarter @midnight

My Poor Car! Storm Damage from January 6th.

While storm chasing I’ve received a few minor scratches and dings in my time from flying branches here and there, but never anything major. So I’m not missing the irony that when my car finally does receive storm damage, it’s when it’s parked in my own damn driveway. The wind was strong enough to knock down my basketball goal and it fell right on to my windshield. I’m lucky, as it appears to have hit on the leading edge, so that the full weight of the pole didn’t bash in the hood or roof. The bumper is a few millimeters off kilter, but there doesn’t appear to be any more damage that’s visible from the outside. Irony, it’s a bitch.

The storm was on 1/6. You know it was cold since I haven’t been outside to notice the damage at all. It was my girlfriend who noticed it today.