BWAHAHA: 6/21 – 6/27

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 6/21 – 6/27: I spent another week on the road. This time I had my CB installed. Listening to truckers talk politics can make one’s head spin around Exorcist style. While stuck in a construction brake-check and highway crawl, the truckers started going on and on about how we needed Bush back in the office so he could solve the current crisis in Iraqi and how Obama was fucking it all up. Yeah, because Bush totally fixed that shit during the time he was in office. Not to mention, wasn’t it Bush that put us there and kicked over the game board in the first place? It never ceases to amaze me how facts simply fail to enter the minds of ultra-conservatives. How can someone believe so strongly in an ideology that they simply ignore contradictory facts or dismiss them as conspiracy? And that’s not just a conservative issue. My fellow liberals have the same issue to deal with when it comes to things like “organic” food, anti-GMO hysteria, anti-vaccination nonsense, etc. The world is a stupid place: hence comedy.

Now I’m off to a week vacation in the Ozarks (thanks to my Dad for staying at my house while I’m gone). I’ll get to canoe down rivers and enjoy the mountains. I’ll also get to meet my girlfriend’s entire family for the first time. Not just her parents: her entire family. At once. At the same time. Someone hold me…

OTHER STUFF

I guess it’s time to start wearing these t-shirts again…

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Or maybe I’ll wear this t-shirt instead…

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My hotel room is ridiculous. I feel like I should be hosting a party or a meeting.

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Laptops are so overrated at McDonald’s! #SeniorLiving

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My new article in The Rocket Wrangler: Huntsville Hospital’s Medical Mall Weighs TV Options After FOX News Fight

Just gonna watch the world burn! Italian landfill was allowed to burn because it would create more space. 1994. #TBT

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140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS

Some people like to go on a pubcrawl, but I really love me some pubstep!

The North Alabama Storm Chasers Association is one R word away from being 100% ‘Bama.

Me, “What’s the difference between the small and large cheese dip?”
Waitress, “The size.”
Yep, we’ll get along just fine.

I was going to make a storm chasing logo with STORMIN’ and two lightning bolt symbols, then realized people might mistake me for a Nazi.

Vacation starts in 8 hours. By vacation I mean working from the Ozarks. By Ozarks I mean 15 miles north of WalMart HQ. By that I mean Hell.

CAPTION CENTRAL

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We should do this when we go to Atlanta next time so we’ll have plenty of spare tires.

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Some local governments take their library books entirely too seriously.

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I wonder why only men are taking this art class? Or is it an OB/GYN training session?

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I don’t believe that sluts exist, but in this case I might have to make an exception. #OverBillionsServed

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Again… always be aware of your surroundings.

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If you’re going to tag someone’s car in anger, at least spell the damn word right!

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The Not-So-Smartcar.

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I guess what they say is true, “Everyone wants to rule the Iron Throne,” even the Queen Mum.

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Last known photo taken of Bill.

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BWAHAHA: 6/14 – 6/20

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 6/14 – 6/20: I spent another week in Jackson, MS. I thought drivers in other places were shitty drivers, but Jackson, MS drivers take the cake! And it’s not aggressiveness or normal stupidity, but it’s this laissez-faire attitude toward driving: doing 5-10 under the speed limit. I don’t get mad at people for doing the speed limit because I only do 5-7 above it normally. But for the love of whatever gods you don’t actually believe in, do the motherfucking speed limit! The minimum speed of 40 on the Interstate is actually too slow and dangerous. When you’re going that slow you’re creating a traffic hazard that forces people into the other lanes and that increases the chances of accidents. Oh, and if the person in front of you is doing 69 and you’re doing 70, you don’t fucking pass them for the next three miles doing 70 while traffic builds up behind you! You fucking go 75 and get in front of them and then go back to doing 70. Why is driving such a hard fucking concept for people? And it makes it worse because of my ATHEIST license plate, because I get boxed in by people trying to take pictures, see what an atheist looks like, or flip me off. I’ve seen so many people almost get into wrecks trying to get pictures of my license plate. Really people… it’s just a fucking license plate. Speaking of my plate, in September I’m changing it to VORTEX. I’m excited!

On a serious note: as many of you may already know, tornadoes destroyed a couple of towns in Nebraska this past week. The tornadoes that appeared were very unique and will be studied by scientists for a very long time. You can help those hit by this weather tragedy by donating to the American Red Cross.

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS

Cereal Killer Crunch: you’ll need a sharp knife to eat it #RuinaBreakfast #HSVComedy

Postal Pops: Go Postal Every Morning #RuinaBreakfast #HSVComedy

Rusty Wagon Wheels, with chocolate goo centers! #RuinaBreakfast #HSVComedy

Green Eggs & Ham is code for gonorrhea vaginal discharge. #RuinaBreakfast #HSVComedy

Humans: the Other White Meat #RuinaBreakfast #HSVComedy

I’ll have the Porky Pig Bacon and the Donald Duck Pâté. #RuinaBreakfast #HSVComedy

The restaurant has blue waffles on their menu. I don’t think that means what they think it means. #RuinaBreakfast #HSVComedy

Watching Game of Thrones in the morning. #RuinaBreakfast #HSVComedy

The one thing I thought third world countries had going for them was soccer. I guess not.

Smell of cologne gave away perps hiding place. Don’t wear cologne when committing crime. #COPS #LessonsLearned

Would I have spilled food on my shirt if I had not been trying to not spill food on my shirt? #LifePonderings

This was the most horridly awesome stupid disgusting funny crazy asininity I’ve ever seen. You should watch it.

Tons of cops in the hotel. Close the door very… very… very slowly and watch Netflix instead of going out to eat.

Parking Lot nudges a Skateboard, which spooks a 4-Wheeler, who swerves into the woods, where conveniently a bear is hiding. #TravelFun

The A/C in my car is broke. While hanging my head out the car window to cool down I couldn’t decide if I looked like a dog or Miley Cyrus.

CAPTION CENTRAL

I finally found a burkini I can support!

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“I’m adopted, right?”

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Introducing the new Vagilaser: because your Second Amendment Rights extend to every part of your body.

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Introducing the new economy class at rentboy.com.

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Never run out of toilet paper again!

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BWAHAHA: 6/7 – 6/13

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 6/7 – 6/13: I spent the week in a Mississippi jail. I’ve become the pawn of a Sheriff who thinks I’m the guy who is going to get him reelected. No, I’m not a prisoner being made an example of. I’m a contractor, who by completing the job in time, will make the voters happy enough to reelect a Sheriff. But see, that just means there’s enough voters out there who have family and friends in prison, that making them happy can mean a reelection. What does that say about 1) Mississippi, and 2) our Judicial system? When your reelection hinges on a single item you may want to consider how well you’re doing with the rest of your job. People should reelect you because you’re doing a good job, not because you accomplished a single thing.

While in Mississippi I’ve had a couple of run-ins with rednecks. One of them was literally a tit-for-tat conversation of, “At least in California we’re progressive,” “Yeah, well at least in Mississippi we don’t suck cocks,”

“No, you do suck cocks, you’re just afraid of homosexuality, so you beat the shit out of gays instead of admitting you’re gay.”

“Fuck you, you liberal hippie!”

“You’d like to, wouldn’t you, you gay Mississippian!”

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS

Four customers and three employees were all singing to the Village People’s YMCA playing on the radio in the BP gas station. #LifeGemstones

We wouldn’t be playing this keep passing reach other game if you would USE YOUR FUCKING CRUISE CONTROL! #IdiotDrivers

We only have one life to lose… so lose it well.

I now believe in God. I prayed for hot mustard to come back and it did. Not sure why he doesn’t answer prayers of starving kids in Africa.

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It’s 90 degrees outside and 96 degrees in the jail. Can I go outside now please?

What’s that? Lightning and wind and rain? Yeah… fuck going out to eat. Dominos.Com save the day!

Yesterday I lost 10lbs in sweat. Today I’m gaining 10 lbs from being soaked to the bone. #MississippiWeather

Why is the waitress calling me “darlin” when I’m clearly 20 years older than her? #TipPandering

Wow, did Virginia really just replace a crazy person with a crazier person? #CantorVsBrat

Of course the Tea Party candidate is named Brat. OF COURSE!

“Six minutes! Six minutes! Six minutes Doogie Howser is on!” #RuinaRapSong #HSVcomedy

Cantor gets rejected, Tea Party gets selected. The GOP is divided. Now we’re voting for crazier over crazy. #HSVcomedy #RuinaRapSong

Have you ever seen a party with whites on the mic. With one minute sound bites that don’t come out right? #HSVcomedy #RuinaRapSong #GOP

I saw the Sheriff, but I did not see the Deputy. #Jailin

GF asked, “What you guys talk about?” “Nothing.” “Really?” “Yeah, we’re dudes, our conversations are like three sentences long.”

Eric Can’tor

Explaining to MS native, “MS is ranked last in almost everything.” He responds, “Well, at least we’re not pussies down here.” #FairEnough

I can’t tell if I’m in the DMARC or a sauna. Computers love the heat, right?

Why does Popeye’s serve non-spicy chicken? If you want boring chicken, go to KFC.

CAPTION CENTRAL

Another friendly reminder to always be aware of your surroundings…

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And we wonder why the French hate us…

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North Korea announces invention of teleprompter to ensure citizens will say what the government wants them to say.

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I don’t know about you, but I prefer it when my farts speak in Mandarin or Siamese.

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Someone has a Boba Fettish.

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I went to Rome and all I got to see was the Fontana di Elderli.

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BWAHAHA: 5/31 – 6/6

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 5/31 – 6/6: I’m trying a new format this week to see how I like it. Instead of listing everything by the day I posted it, I’m combining all the captioned pictures, twitter jokes, and “other” into separate categories. Let’s see how this looks and goes. I’m digging the captioning already instead of the words above the pictures.

I participated in the Alright Bayou Comedy Show on 6/6 and had a great time. Thanks to comedians Matthew Tate and Nate Bailie for the invite and hosting. For more information about shows, open mics, and other comedy stuff in the Huntsville area, check out hsvcomedy.com!


OTHER STUFF (Yeah, OTHER goes before everything else)

Check out my new article on the Rocket-Wrangler, Area Storm Chasers Disappointed by Severe Weather Season

The newest episode of The Critical Eye Podcast, with guest comedian Ian Harris, is now available in the archive. E044: Republicans, Racists, and Teabaggers; Oh My!

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS

The scariest part of #Maleficent was the teaser for the new #Cinderella movie being released in 2015.

Headline: “Pakistani police probed for being ‘silent spectators’ in stoning death.”
I hope they mean the “probed” I’m thinking of.

Alabamians voted today, once again proving how stupid they are.

Someone do a mash up of Pet Shop Boys’ “Opportunities” and Blood Hound Gang’s “Bad Touch.” It’ll be awesome!

Thanks to a flat tire at midnight in Atlanta, I now have $6 until payday. Hey, if McDonald’s employees can do it…

This was me in 1953: ____
#TBT Before I was born, I was nothing and I didn’t notice, and so it shall be when I die.

I was thinking Obama should have traded weapons for the hostage, then I remembered Reagan already gave the Taliban weapons. #GOPocrisy

CAPTION CENTRAL

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Wanna prove you’re rich in China on dating profile sites? Show that you can purchase McDonald’s french fries!

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He’s not just selling vegetables, he’s promoting #SouthernEducation.

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And on this day, Tommy began going through puberty.

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Remember to always be aware of your surroundings. #LifeLessons

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Does this count as a selfie? #ClubSexting

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Grandpa is so busted! Just because you have earbuds in, doesn’t mean the world actually goes away.

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“Hey Aziz, I’m beginning to like this Great Satan. How about you?”

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Tonight on ESPN, the Wonderful World of Balletsketball!

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Wasatch School District (Utah) announces new girl’s dress code for the 2014/15 school year.

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Turning water into wine was no biggie, but Jesus couldn’t turn water into beer. Jesus still has to do beer runs.

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He’s gonna get a parking ticket!

Ever since Bane went all artistic, he just isn't as threatening.

Ever since Bane went all artistic, he just isn’t as threatening.

PUBLISHED by catsmob.com

Here we see a child being trained in the ways of FOX News.

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Papa’s got a brand new bag!

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The Teletubbies, now 17-years-old, being all douchey and hipstery.

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Another friendly reminder to be aware of your surroundings.