BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 7/18 – 11/20: Boy am I waaaaaaaaaay behind! A lot’s happened since my last BWAHAHA. I moved to Austin, TX. I eliminated stress in my life and made a lot of life changes in order to be happy before I die. This means I’ve added a few things to my bucket list. Prior to this, I had done everything on my bucket list. The only thing left to add was make-believe shit and crimes. But now that I’m like stress free and really happy with my life, there’s new shit I gotta try! Wish me luck!
What else? I got to see the Psychedelic Furs live! What an amazing show. It was also the first concert that Suzie and I have been to where we weren’t the oldest people there! Also got to finally see Mr. Kitty, who puts on one helluva an enthusiastic performance. He hugged me after the show, so scratch that one off my new happy bucket list!
Watching Doomsday Preppers for shits & giggles. Some stuff to learn, but really love how NatGeo calls ’em out on their BS on the screen.
In my back yard yelling at the bats, “Eat them fucking skeeters! Eat ’em!”
And then Date Night took a turn for the worse.
Watching “An Honest Liar” with Suzie (doc about The Amazing Randi) and we saw me. That was really cool!
BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 4/25 – 7/17: Yeah, almost three months in one post. I don’t know why I fell so far behind, except that I was concentrating more on the my storm chasing in the last few months since it was storm “season” here in Alabama. I’ve actually been slacking big time on comedy. I’ve only done a couple of open mics and only one show. Whether or not that changes… we’ll see. Comedy isn’t a full-time adventure for me. I have no desire to leave Huntsville and go on national tours: it’s a hobby. That means I do it when I feel like it, not because I have to. With that said… here’s the last few months of the stuff I did do.
My favorite way to do the tip line.
I want to open a walk-in clinic in San Francisco and call it Baysick Care.
When you don’t have a shredder, this is how you get rid of papers you can’t throw away.
Just got done watching E.T., which is the story of a young Jedi who gets left behind on Earth.
Intentional or unintentional? #PlayingWithBalls
Cory brought me back some Blue Flame Moonshine (128 proof). Can’t wait to pass out… I mean try it.
The cutest picture you’ll ever see me take on the toilet. Diego can sure pick awkward times to get cuddly.
From this point forward I will be referring to female Dr. Who fans as Whoters.
Clearly I’m playing too much #Destiny
Everyone says San Andreas is going to suck. However, it’s about earthquakes, so it gets a free suck pass in my book. Will see it tonight!
I’m gonna go with misspelled heresy cake. Burn in chocolate hell sinners! City Cafe, Huntsville
I think The Mattress Firm needs some good competition, so I’m going to open a store across the street called The Mattress Soft.
Spent 20 minutes looking for my phone. Finally called it from Google Hangouts… and it vibrated in my pocket. Gonna be one of those days!
I have been asked for my receipt when leaving WalMart twice in two weeks. Did they change their policy to ask white people now?
Huntsville’s MAGIC (Meteorological Avoidance of Ground Inclement Clouds) Weather Bubble seems to be working just fine today.
If you’re a member of 78 groups and most of them are some form of buy/sell/trade group, I’m going to assume you’re a spammer and block you from my groups. Even if you’re not… sorry. #GuiltyOfProfiling
“Girly Quotes” followed me on Twitter. Probably because I mentioned “wedding” in one of my Tweets. Boy is “Girly Quotes” in for a big surprise!
If my electric bill stays this high, I may have to convert to Amish.
When your GF’s not home and you can play your video game as loud as you want. Oh yeah…
I guess the cat’s hungry.
My favorite Mexican restaurant is slowly replacing it’s male wait staff with females. I’m good with that, because I like Carne Asada Tacos.
Listening to crime docs: if you wanna kill someone, don’t get an insurance policy on them and don’t have an affair: dead giveaways of guilt.
One of the family members just introduced me to his family by calling me a “famous entertainer.” I’ll take that.
I just need to quit being on time. I’m sitting at a large table by myself again waiting for everyone else.
When you don’t have to show your ID because the bouncer recognizes you. I may come here too much.
Cute girl asks to sit at our table. Introduces herself to the guys. Flirts. 8 minutes later, introduces boyfriend as he walks up. #Played
I’m always creeped out when someone recognizes me from FOX news, because that means they “really” pay attention to FOX News.
Number from Russia calls and hangs up when I answer. Is it a mail order bride, mafia, or Snowden?
Why does a Dr’s office that specializes in back injuries have shitty chairs and then makes you wait for two hours in those shitty chairs?
Something seems off here. Can’t quite put my finger on it. Maybe I need to up my vitamin intake.
Blackhawk helicopters circling over the house. Maybe using “pressure cooker” & “explosive diarrhea” in same Tweet wasn’t such a good idea.
Ready to marry the happy couple. Beautiful day at the Botanical Gardens. I look like a rabbi with the Dr. Who scarf on. Whozel Tov!
Kenny Loggins’ Danger Zone could totally be retooled as a Storm Chaser anthem!
Tumblr is not working and no one is talking about it! WTF?!?!?!?! Wait… is Tumblr the new MySpace?
A bat just ran into my windshield. That had to hurt.
Getting ready to go see JAWS in a theater for its 40th anniversary. Woot!
Good grief! The seats at this theater are actually smaller than airplane economy seats. Um, hello, obesity epidemic! Upgrade your seats!
Scientists are talking about a possible sixth mass extinction. I’m cool with that as long as mosquitoes and gnats are included.
I think the Democrats should run a black female atheist lesbian Socialist hippie. Just for the giggles of watching conservatives react.
If WalMart removes all confederate flag products from shelves, then what will happen to the #PeopleOfWalmart web page? Let’s rethink this!!
Stores, cities, and states are removing the Confederate Flag. Showing my support by flying the real flag on my house.
I will not read the comments on SOCTUS ruling. I will not read the comments on SOCTUS ruling. I will not read the comments on SOCTUS ruling.
Future Headline: 6/26/2020 – Five Years Later, Bigoted Preachers ‘Still’ Waiting on Government Letter Forcing Them to Perform Gay Marriage.
It can’t be a coincidence that gay marriage passes on the same day as National Beautician’s Day. It’s a conspiracy and I’m onto them!
Lightning to the right of me, gusting to the left, here I am, stuck in the middle with duds… stuck in the middle with duds. #MotherNatureHatesMe
The biggest promoters of the confederate flag are often the ones to label people as “unamerican,” and yet they do the most unamerican thing possible: fly a flag that represents treason against the United States of America.
If conservatives spent 1/2 the energy on “shall not bear false witness” as they do on “no gay penis,” the GOP and FOX would cease to exist.
When one of your Sales reps finds out you were in the Navy as well and the five-minute checkup call on a facility becomes a two-hour Navy style bitch session. Because a bitchin’ sailor is a happy sailor!
Those two are so stupid, they’re derpendicular.
I think my girlfriend has a ningina, because I never see it coming.
They’re selling an empty record for that much!
Earlier today a wind gust almost knocked me over. My anemometer said 18mph. Clearly my anemometer is broke.
Messing with my neighbors. MAC address restrictions on, too! Are the drug dealers across the street sweating it?
Well, I suppose this means I need to throw The Dark Lorda housewarming party! Who’s in?!?!?!?
I’m not a fan of hippies, but fake pretentious hippies are the worst. I’m surrounded by them. They should perish from the earth.
The lavender smell too strong for you? Poor thing. At least I didn’t complain about your patchouli smelling body odor dripping stench. Jerk!
140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS:
Today really sucks for test tube babies. #MothersDay
The only reason your mother should be at Chinese Buffet today is if she specifically said she wanted you to bring her. #MothersDayFail
Today is Confederate Memorial Day, coincidentally celebrated by the three most uneducated states in the UNION. #WrongSideOfHistoryAgain
Officer just pulled me over for 60 in a 45. Asked me about the weather and then told me to slow it down. #WhitePrivilege #ChaserProblems
How many levels in Dante’s Inferno? Doesn’t matter, they’re all right here around me. Lol #HippieHeadquarters #SomeoneSaveMe
I love solving games or puzzles on the last move or last second. It makes me feel like James Bond diffusing a bomb. #LivingVicariously
I bet the Block feature on Facebook got a workout today! #GayMarriage
I’m pretty sure that sign reads “Help Me.”
WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!!!!!!!
Gun safety? Never heard of it. t’s like a mouse, just point an click, right?
They see me rollin.’ They hatin.’ Patrolling they tryin’ to catch me ridin’ purty!
Hey! Who ordered delivery?
The little man in the canoe has no idea where the hurricane force winds are coming from.
BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 4/18 – 4/24: Just as I’m starting to feel better with the upper respiratory infection (which I still have three weeks later), I blow my back out doing trivial shit. Back problems are so weird. I can lift 30lb boxes all day and be just fine and then lean over to grab the garlic powder and be paralyzed for life. This blowout is really bad. It’s actually caused partial paralysis and the pain was (and is) excruciating. Going to the ER wasn’t going to do me any good sitting in those shitty plastic chairs for five hours just waiting for triage. So I opted to go see my regular doctor so I could get a referral to a neurologist. In the meantime, while waiting for that appointment to come around, I’ll just sit here in pain. Thanks American healthcare system! We’re #1! We’re #1! We’re #1!
I’m honored to now be part of the Tornado Wx Chasers team! Providing the public with severe weather alerts, information, and ground truth from chasers and spotters. #ForeverChasing
GF: Why do you always have to argue? Me: What are you talking about? I never argue.
While my back blowout has caused me issues and excruciating pain, it solved two existing issues. Nerves are fickle.
Luckily, I don’t listen to my doctor. My doc said, “Take as needed for pain.” I’d take one every minute and OD if I listened to my doctor!
Nothing says the weekend like Pepsi and Anal Lube.
Switzerland reports that the few citizens who couldn’t read English all drowned yesterday.
BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 4/11 – 4/17: I hate going to the doctor’s office. Primary reason is money. Other reasons are all the lost time sitting in waiting rooms; the high probability that the doctor is going to tell me to do what I’m already fucking doing because I have 43 years of experience dealing with sickness, injuries (oh, and all that EMT training and working in a fucking hospital), etc.; the view of other sick people (seriously, hospitals and clinics are fucking depressing); the pretty damn good chance that a doc-in-the-box or ER doc (because that’s where I have to go since it takes weeks to get an appointment with my “regular” doctor, who I actually only see when I need a fucking physical) is just going to give me antibiotics without even knowing if I have a bacterial or viral problem, thus taking a huge risk of further creating antibiotic resistant bacteria (newsflash creationists, if evolution wasn’t true, we’d all still be using Penicillin); lastly, the chance that I could catch some other bacteria or virus from some asshole in the waiting room who doesn’t know how to cover his fucking mouth when he coughs in public. So yeah, fuck doctor’s offices, hospitals, etc. So with that being said… when I do go to the doctor, you know it’s really bad and probably a 90% chance that the zombiepocalypse would have started if I had not gone.
Shaving your head while sweating is like mowing the grass when it’s wet. #LessonsLearned
Since we know psychic powers are bullshit, why are we so surprised when predictive text fails.
Drenched in sweat, covered in dirt, metal shavings, WD-40, wood chips, and ant eggs. Yep, I’d call that a productive day.
I’m so sick & miserable right now that I think I’d accept an offer of heroin at this point. UGH!
Sickness therapy: water, hot tea with honey, glass of Fireball.
I can’t tell if I put too much cayenne, jalapeno, habanero, or ghost pepper in the sausage.
You’re so fine if I had a heart attack right now, I’d totally Die Hard! #MovieTitlePickUpLines @hsvcomedy
You wanna join my Breakfast Club? Join the ranks of those I’ve eaten breakfast with the morning after? #MovieTitlePickUpLines @hsvcomedy
I feel like doing a little spelunking. Wanna play Raiders of the Lost Ark? #MovieTitlePickUpLines @hsvcomedy
Wanna see my Excalibur? Then you can be my Princess Bride! #MovieTitlePickUpLines @hsvcomedy
You really light my St. Elmo’s Fire! #MovieTitlePickUpLines @hsvcomedy
If we go go out, there are 3 rules: no bright lights, don’t get me wet, and don’t feed me after midnight. #MovieTitlePickUpLines @hsvcomedy
I can tell with you that I won’t just need a condom, but a Full Metal Jacket. #MovieTitlePickUpLines @hsvcomedy
This is how the Apocalypse starts…
Thanks to this picture, no innocent people were charged with the murder of Bob.
BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 4/4 – 4/10: This was a super fun week for us. We went to Memphis to enjoy the sights, sounds, and foods. We also got to hang out with some friends I haven’t seen in a couple of years since I left the movement. Going back into that scene there were a few times where I was reminded of why I left the movement in the first place. What’s the movement? I’m not going to explain it. It’s too long of a story. Those who know what I’m talking about benefit here.
Thanks to recent events, we’re more broke than normal. That made the decision to go or not to Memphis a tough one. We had already paid for the hotels months ago. So we just had to come up with gas and food costs. This meant that the money we did spend needed to count. So eating at places with horrible food just really pissed us off. Ribs are ribs are ribs, right? Well, they should be. What should separate a place is not the meat, but the sauce. Unfortunately, there are places that don’t know how to cook the meat properly. The only reason they still exist is because of tourism (I’m still irked at myself for falling into a tourist trap). The locals do not eat there because they know better. Well, now we know better too. If you do know how to cook the meat so it’s perfect, you better have a damn good sauce! So why were two places using fucking Kraft BBQ sauce? Seriously!?!?!?!? If you didn’t buy it off the shelf and actually made it yourself, why would you make a sauce that tastes just fucking like Kraft BBQ sauce?
The crazy part of the trip was that everything we wanted to do was closed. Mud Island opened up the weekend after our visit. The Botanical Gardens were closed for a stupid Easter Egg hunt (fuck you Easter Bunny, you fascist commie neo-Nazi pig). The Civil Rights Museum was closed because it was the anniversary of the assassination of MLK. We actually decided to go to that, but realized quickly that it was way too crowded and parking and traffic were a nightmare. So we spent our days and most nights on Beale St. That was just fine with us.
Listening to foreign tourists is always fun. “German German German German Memphis best ribs German German Elvis German German German.”
Found my new look.
I just thought the world should know that Suzie is in the bathroom singing Staying Alive by the Bee Gees. I love that woman! LOL
All in a line for me. Hoping for some good lightning shots. Chasing after 3am. Lol
When I see other players on a Destiny map, I go help them. But here I am, fighting all the big stuff… by myself. LOL
Seriously, deodorant is a thing. Fucking use it! We don’t want to smell you from fifteen feet away. Oh, and patchouli makes it worse. Ugh!
Accidental twinsies tonight. Both in khakis, black shirt, and hiking shoes. Waiting outside for Seabound. — at The Masquerade.
Current playlist… I’m sensing a theme here…
I’m So Sick
I Can’t Breathe
Sick and Tired
Down With The Sickness
I Rage Quit My Life #MyTombstoneIn5Words @midnight
He Died Screaming… At Republicans #MyTombstoneIn5Words @midnight
Miracle He Lived That Long #MyTombstoneIn5Words @midnight
Poor Fellow Drowned in Jell-O #MyTombstoneIn5Words @midnight
Stupid Mortals Crucified Me Again #MyTombstoneIn5Words @midnight
Quit Smoking, Died While Exercising #MyTombstoneIn5Words @midnight
Took His Ball & Went Home #MyTombstoneIn5Words @midnight
Failed To Start the Zombiepocalypse #MyTombstoneIn5Words @midnight
Missed It By This Much #MyTombstoneIn5Words @midnight
Hey, Someone Video Tape This #MyTombstoneIn5Words @midnight
Wow, Lightning Does Strike Twice #MyTombstoneIn5Words @midnight
Lasted Longer Than Four Hours #MyTombstoneIn5Words @midnight