This week on Twitter (2/15-2/22)

This week’s attempt to be funny on Twitter from 2/15 to 2/22 (posted in order of Tweets).

2/15

Steve Buscemi seen tied to #RussianMeteor. Unknown if he survived the explosion.

Slim Pickens finally made it to Russia only to explode in the air. #RussianMeteor

Whoever said “Sex is not a spectator sport” clearly never saw the the #SportsFilms ‘Debbie Does the Dallas Cowboys.’

Her vagina belongs in the NFL Hall of Fame for most balls caught in a single period. #oneofmyexes

2/16

Just submitted my application to @capefearcomedy. Hey, at least I didn’t wait until the actual last minute! #CapeFearComedyFestival

Half-assed hand job. #WaysToMakeMeMad

Engine fires, non-working toilets, onion sandwiches, shit-covered hallways, 3mph tow… #WaysToMakeMeMad

Jesus loves me… but never calls. #WaysToMakeMeMad

Twitter says I should follow LeBron James and Kelly Clarkson. Who the fuck are those people? #StupidTwitter

@Stefanelli I enjoyed both dog and cat while overseas. Cat can be gamy or sweet… just like real pussy.

Masturbating into the Mayonaise. #ReasonsWhyIGotAWhooping

Telling Steven Seagal that I was #UnderSiege from shitty movies. #ReasonsWhyIGotAWhooping

Telling Lou Ferrigno that he was yellow-bellied. #ReasonsWhyIGotAWhooping

Saying at the Feminist Convention, “Wow, you chicks are hot!” #ReasonsWhyIGotAWhooping

Telling my g/f that her vagina looks like roast beef covered in gravy. #ReasonsWhyIGotAWhooping

Ordering tacos al cabron at the Mexican restaurant instead of tacos al carbon. #ReasonsWhyIGotAWhooping

#ArianaTo5Million trending: I thought it was the new HuffPo Bukkake porn… disappointed it’s just some stupid singer with a nerd boyfriend.

I ordered a #HarlemShake. They gave me a Shamrock Shake. Racist McDonald’s.

2/17

One drawback to having sex with Democratic women… I feel like I just fucked the lesser of two evils.

Based on what I’m seeing God has a serious dandruff problem

2/18

I accidentally ejaculated into your sister. #WaysToRuinARelationship

“At least you’re skinnier than Gilbert Grape’s mother!” #WaysToRuinARelationship

“Oh, I forgot to tell you last night before we had sex, I have gonoherpesyphilaids.” #WaysToRuinARelationship

Why are people still posting on Facebook and Twitter? #TheWalkingDead is on! #necrophilia

Seeing ghosts doesn’t make you a #VisionaryLeader, it makes you #SylviaBrown. @WalkingDead_AMC @AMCTalkingDead

Need the #LAPD to help a #VisionaryLeader randomly kill people, I mean zombies. @WalkingDead_AMC @AMCTalkingDead

#VisionaryLeader gets all the inmates killed to make the group safer. #skillz @WalkingDead_AMC @AMCTalkingDead

#MindyMcReady dead… just play her song backwards and she’ll come back to life!

#IWishICouldMeet Belinda Carlisle. I make sure all women in my life know she’s a free pass. :)

If you were any more offended I could pull a giant crucifix out of your ass. #ReasonsIUnfollowedYou

2/20

Van Horn & Sawtell: the inventors of K-Y #MentionSomeoneYoureThankfulFor

Lorena Bobbit: for reminding me how much I appreciate my penis. #MentionSomeoneYoureThankfulFor

Kim Kardashian: for reminding me that some day my sex tape might make me famous. #MentionSomeoneYoureThankfulFor

How We Ruined Education and Got Liberals to Take the Blame #GOPFILMS

Rapeasaurus Vaginalprobius 2: Attack of the Nigerian Muslims #GOPFILMS

Body found in water tank of L.A. hotel… that explains the meaty taste of the tap water.

I find the food in Kansas City, MO to be a little overcooked. #TooSoon

I’m very selective; I only hit black kids on a plane if they are from Abeche, Chad. The rest of the black kids have no need to fear me.

Super Mega Pod of dolphins? Well, that might explain why I keep hearing voices in my head saying, “Thanks for all the fish.”

GAO finally recognizes climate change as a “financial risk.” Yeah, fuck the planet and people, it’s the cost of cleanup that gets attention.

Univ. of Southern Miss still in shock over tens of millions in damage: vow to never play the Worcester Tornadoes ever again.

I-10 shut down for 12 hours in Phoenix after white creamer spill. Citizens relaxed after learning it wasn’t Mexican creamer. #PapersPlease

Deposited $8,062 in my account. Wrote a check for $7,950 twenty minutes later. Well, that was short-lived. LOL

Christian video games. #2ThingsThatDontMix

Finally hooking the PS3 to HD and saying, “Holy fuck, that character has shoe laces!” #PlaystationMemories

Went to buy a sweater and was told they’ve stocked spring selections. I pointed outside to the falling snow. Stupid store.

Wow, that Kansas City dry rub is explosively spicey! #TooSoon

2/21

Way too many drunks on the road for a Wednesday. Clearly not enough people are humping.

Women’s Drug Advocacy Group called for $$. Why is there a group advocating drugs for women? I guess Vaginas for Vioxx was already taken.

Joining Students Against Drunk Driving for the girls. #HighSchoolMemories

I just ordered Vanilla Ice juice for my e-cig. A brand new invention. Grabs a hold of me tightly. Flows like a harpoon daily and nightly.

2/22

Songs by #JustinBieber remind me how pathetic most humans are. #SongsThatMakeMeCry

I hate it when my cell phone is dead because I have no entertainment while taking a poo.

http://WhitePeopleMeet.com  just redirects to http://kkk.org

Post-stroke Dick Clark on TV. #TheMostAnnoyingThingsInLife #HeDeadNow

Is it bad that I want to bang The Bangles, go on the Go-Go’s, and put bananas in Bananarama?

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20130220: News From the Week

Body found in water tank of L.A. hotel… that explains the meaty taste of the tap water.

I find the food in Kansas City, MO to be a little overcooked.

I’m very selective; I only hit black kids on a plane if they are from Abeche, Chad. The rest of the black kids have no need to fear me.

Super Mega Pod of dolphins? Well, that might explain why I keep hearing voices in my head saying, “Thanks for all the fish.”

GAO finally recognizes climate change as a “financial risk.” Yeah, fuck the planet and people, it’s the cost of cleanup that gets attention.

Univ. of Southern Miss still in shock over tens of millions in damage: vow to never play the Worcester Tornadoes ever again.

I-10 shut down for 12 hours in Phoenix after white creamer spill. Citizens relaxed after learning it wasn’t Mexican creamer. #PapersPlease

FL apologized to other English-speaking countries over English Only License Law. Politicians didn’t know other countries spoke English.

#CandyHeartRejects on Twitter

Did you notice on Twitter that the hashtag #CandyHeartRejects made it to the top 5 most tweets on February 13th, the day before that made-up holiday that makes men pretend to care more than they actually do? Well, I just had to do my part. If you don’t follow me on Twitter, you should probably stay away, but if you’re up for it, I’m at @blairscott_al.

My contributions (in the order they were Tweeted):

Let Me Give You An STD! #CandyHeartRejects
Small Penis For YOU! #CandyHeartRejects
I Have Plan B! #CandyHeartRejects
Date Grape Flavor! #CandyHeartRejects
Registered Sex Offender #CandyHeartRejects
I <3 UR Mom! #CandyHeartRejects
That's Not Nasal Drip #CandyHeartRejects
Just the Tip? #CandyHeartRejects
Sloppy Seconds FTW! #CandyHeartRejects
Got Lube? #CandyHeartRejects
I'm a Helmethead! #CandyHeartRejects
Let's Dock! #CandyHeartRejects #gaysex
No Means YES! #CandyHeartRejects
You're Ugly, But I'm Desperate #CandyHeartRejects
Butterface! #CandyHeartRejects
JIMP! #CandyHeartRejects
I've Got Wood! #CandyHeartRejects
Poppin' Tent! #CandyHeartRejects
I <3 UR CHERRY #CandyHeartRejects
TOUCH IT #CandyHeartRejects
I <3 UR SISTER #CandyHeartRejects
RUFINOL #CandyHeartRejects
VAS SAFE! #CandyHeartRejects
MILF LOVER #CandyHeartRejects
GILF LOVER #CandyHeartRejects
COUGARS FTW! #CandyHeartRejects
MY SUGAR MOMMA #CandyHeartRejects
LET'S FELCH #CandyHeartRejects #gaysex
LICKALOTAPUS #CandyHeartRejects
WANT UR RUSTY WAGON WHEEL! #CandyHeartRejects @RalphGarman @ThatKevinSmith

20130125: Homegrown Comedy Show, Huntsville, AL

I had the privilege of performing at the Homegrown Comedy Show in Huntsville, Alabama on January 25th, 2013. Thanks to Thaddeus Blake for hosting! This was also the nigth we said goodbye to comedian Tom Hand as he departed for Seattle.

The video is online!