BWAHAHA: 11/16 – 11/22

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 11/16 – 11/22: This was an entertaining week for those of us in northern Alabama. We had a terrorist threat in Decatur, Alabama as a suspicious device was found on a rail car full of Hydrogen Flouride (a very nasty chemical). Five miles was evacuated, tons of schools closed early throughout seven different counties, the FBI, ATF, Homeland Security, and other local law enforcement were on the scene. The bomb squad moved in, x-rayed the package and found… wait for it… wait for it… wait for it… two kilos of marijuana. Now at least we know that our local law enforcement knows how to react to these types of events (even the real ones) and they just had an amazing trial run! The train was from Mexico, so any minute now the Republicans will blame illegal immigrants… or Obama.

11/18

Liam Neeson’s cock is so big, it swallowed the whale that swallowed Jonah. #HollywoodBabbleOn

Liam Neeson’s cock is so big… the Philippines didn’t experience a Typhoon; Liam ejaculated. #HollywoodBabbleOn

Liam Neeson’s cock is so big… it plays the inanimate Ark in the new film Noah, and was still a bigger dick than Russell Crowe. #HollywoodBabbleOn

Isn’t a good relationship or marriage technically “friends with benefits?”

It’s amazing how butthurt people get when they are emotionally invested in a fallacious argument.

11/20

Sylvia Browne vows on death bed, “I’ll talk to you after death and say, ‘I’m okay, go one with your life.” #TooSoon #ScamArtist

Just before dying, Sylvia Browne said, “I swore I was going to get hit by a truck.” #TooSoon #ScamArtist

BREAKING: Psychics around the world not the least bit puzzled by their failure to predict Sylvia Browne’s death. #ScamArists

BREAKING: Thousands of people thinking they’re original, Tweet, “Bet she didn’t see that coming.” #SylviaBrowne

Sylvia Browne irony: her doctor totally saw it coming. #TooSoon #ScamArtist

BREAKING: Talk Show hosts looking for new actor/actress to play psychic on talk show circuits. #SylviaBrowne

Satan to Sylvia Browne, “I knew you were coming.” #TooSoon #ScamArtist

11/21

I’m not afraid of death, but I am afraid of how I’m going to die.

Shit just got real in Alabama: Coast Guard has closed the Tennessee River! OMG! OMG! Panic! Panic! Panic!

Two kilos of marijuana just shut down 5 square miles and had 25 ready to evacuate. See, pot is harmful.

11/22

Someone mentioned the gay economy. I’m not entirely sure what that means, but I imagine it’s a bottom’s up economy.

BWAHAHA: 11/9 – 11/15

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 11/9 – 11/15: Great time this week with friends. Friends who can enjoy a great laugh, can make you laugh, and laugh with you and sometimes at you, these are the friends who I cherish the most. Announced this week, I’ll be performing at Comedy Rush on 12/6 at the Rush Nightclub in Huntsville, Alabama! Details to come!

11/9

Just sang What a Wonderful World in my Louis Armstrong voice. My vocal chords hate me.

I invented a drink tonight called the Smurfette Gusher. Yeah, that kind of gush.

11/10

Lady in front of me ran into car in front of her in drive-thru. Neither got out of their cars. Weird.

My battery is dead. Breaking out into song, “Stranded At the Laundromat” all John Travolta style!

Of course the McRib comes back after I start my new diet.

I bought lighter shoes so that when I weighed myself I would think I’d lost more weight.

11/11

Now I know what I’m getting everyone for Christmas!

11/12

Today the arbitrary numbers of 11/12/13 14:15:16 will come up and people will get oddly excited about it.

I step outside every once in a while so I can better appreciate how warm my house actually is.

11/13

I don’t think rappers who names themselves “Yung __” or “Young __” are very confident about a long-lasting career.

Tonight, a friend of mine reminded me of how old I am: he never experienced the Cold War. Weird.

Oh Facebook, you temptress! I don’t live in NYC and I doubt the owner of that butt lives there, either. And should I “Create an Ad Like This for The Critical Eye Podcast” like it says?

Life: TL;DR

11/14

“Along Comes Mary” by Bloodhound Gang. #JesusJukeBox

POLICE: Jesus arrested after participating in communion. Suspect is charged with auto-cannibalism.

I’m confused: Is autoeroticism self love or fucking a car?

Autoerotic-asphyxiation: masturbating in the garage with the car running.
If you open the garage door when the car is running, then you kinda miss the point of autoerotic asphyxiation.

Oh, 1970’s and your silly clothing. Should I forgive my mother for dressing me like this? #throwbackthursday
My Mom’s defense, “What other 18 months old wore guess jeans and a guess leather belt.” Okay, I forgive her.

The best part about Fall is that no one can sneak up on you.

There is nothing to see here… keep on moving. #throwbackthursday
I’ve always labeled this photo as “The Unknown Comic,” but my Mom told me the story behind this photo after posting it. I got into my grandmother’s alcohol and was drunk off my ass. My mother of course advised my grandmother to put the alcohol up higher. So I said, “Well, I guess I should now label it “The Unknown Drunk,” to which my Mom replied, “No trust me, you were very comical.”

11/15

Had to use a fiber optic cable to get a clog out of the sink. That was an expensive unclogging. I threw out all my metal hangers after watching Mommy Dearest.

Started raining. Ambulance sirens in 3… 2… 1…

We’re often like blind men in a diamond mine: not realizing the value of that which is right in front of us.

This is what happens after I host a party at my house.

BWAHAHA: 11/2 – 11/8

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 11/2 – 11/8: This was a crazy party week for me. We played Karaoke Against Humanity, where you play around of Cards Against Humanity and after the winner is picked, the reader picks the worst card. The owner of the worst card then has to sing a random karaoke song. The songs were numbered instead of listed by artist/title. The loser picked a number out of a hat and then sang the corresponding song number. We thought it would be a small turnout, but we had 20+ people show up. It was a fucking blast and loads of laughs! Not to mention, I’m still emotionally distraught over Carol and Rick breaking up. Sigh…

11/2

C’mon Big Pharma! Make an anti-stupid pill already! There are soooooooo many people that have the stupid disease!

11/4

After reading the news I almost want to support Eugenics: then I realize we might accidentally kill smart people.

This program depicts highly trained professionals having sex. Do not attempt without getting paid for it.

11/6

Tonight I met a Latina from Brooklyn: she spoke with a Spanish & Brooklyn accent. I’ll call it Sprooklyn. It was cute.

Why did the tornado cross the road?
To kill the chicken.

When the Chinese invade America, most Americans will just think there’s a tornado on the way.

11/7

“Woman’s 16 cats consume her dead body to stay alive.” Suddenly I like cats a lot more.
“Be a Fancy Feast for homeless cats. All donations tax-deductible.”
“We have the purrrrrfect way to dispose of your body!”
I’d rather be eaten by ferocious penguins

An ophthalmologist’s office is a site for sore eyes. #ThatsSoPunny

11/8

The confirmation bias is strong with this one…

Ah, that time of year when you mow the leaves instead of the grass.

Once you’ve reached a high enough level that you can kill a Chimera in two seconds… kinds makes the game boring.

Friday night…
Just got paid…
All my money went to bills…
Ain’t gonna get laid…
(Someone asked me if one of my bills was for getting laid, to which I responded, “No, but maybe it should be. Hell, it’s gonna cost me dinner, movie, gas, and all that shit to take a woman out with no guarantee of sex and then throw in all the fucking strings and emotional bullshit roller-coaster fucktardidness that goes with dating… cheaper to get a hooker and none of that other bullshit to go with it.”)

Facebook wants to know if I want to meet a cougar. At my age, I’m scared to think about that. Then again…
I’m fat, bald, divorced, and 42: I’m not that picky anymore.
I was thinking the other day how many cougars I dated and had sex with when I was in high school. I should mention that I went to Canyon Springs High School, home of the Cougars.

BWAHAHA: 10/26 – 11/1

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 10/26 – 11/1: I don’t know how I missed last week’s BWAHAHA post, so here it is. I guess I was too busy picking my nose or something. I take that back, I do know how I missed last week’s update: I was busy getting ready for my annual Halloween Party. We had over 40 partiers this year and did the house up as a Dexter kill room (including a victim). We splattered “blood” everywhere and had a lot of fun doing it.

10/26

You know what’s really awkward? The word awkward.

Halloween: kids empty into streets taking candy from strangers: you know, something we tell kids not to do the rest of the year.

The Halloween Party “victim” was a bad, bad, dirty, dirty, girl!

10/27

It may take a few days to recover from last night’s Halloween Party. Percocet. Check. Bleach. Check. Flamethrower. Check.

The war against the ferocious penguins continues successfully! Wait, that’s not funny.

Apparently, I’m a natural born spiller.

10/28

I don’t know who or what I was making this face at during the Halloween Party, but this is great!

10/29

I mention I had to a take a Percocet in one fucking comment… and Facebook thinks I’m an addict!

If you disagree with the overwhelming majority of scientists and smart people: you’re probably wrong.

Being silly with Spaceballs!

10/30

I go to http://MuslimMingle.Com to help Islamic women get out of their burqas.

One of my favorite German bands says the word opposite as opposight. Singing in English is cute.

I’m not mooning you because I don’t like you. I just need an excuse to get some fresh air on my ass.

Hell hath no fury like Christians hell-bent on saving you from Hell.

I posted the article I wrote on Group Sex.

10/31

I hereby pledge to refuse to shop at any store that airs Christmas commercials before Turkey Day.

Mother nature just fucked my neighbor… and now I’ll probably lose power because of it. Thanks Obama!

11/1

Security at the airport is not LAX today at all!