I’m Hotter Than…

I’ve often employed the “I’m hotter than…” when I’m on stage and sweating (either as Reverend Blair or during my standup). I’ve had a few people ask me to compile all of them into one place, so here they are.

I’m hotter than…

…Eric Massa (D-NY) at a tickling convention.

…Bill Clinton (D) in a cigar shop.

…General Patraeus at a biographer’s convention.

… Anthony Weiner (D-NY) with a Twitter & Instagram account.

…Chris Lee (R-NY) at a GNC store buying Muscle Milk.

…the RNC at Vegas strip club!

…Tom Ganley (R-OH) at a Women’s Tea Party!

…John Ensign (R-NV) at a BFF Convention.

…John Edwards (D-NC) talking to a producer while at a Cancer Awareness conference.

…David Vitter (R-LA) at a DC Brothel.

…Mark Foley (R-FL) at summer Intern program.

…Brian Doyle (Dep. Press Sec. of DHS) in a Hannah Montana chat room.

…Jack Ryan (R-IL) at a Seven of Nine Whips & Chains Club!

…David Vitter (R-LA) with a little black notebook.

…George Rekkers on a European cruise.

…Strom Thurmond (R-SC) surrounded by teenage negro staff.

…Ed Schrock (R-VA) visiting hotmilitarystud.com run by Jeff Gannon (George Bush press appointee).

…Gary Condit (D-CA) at a CSI convention.

…Monica Lewinsky getting Tripp’d up on a blue dress!

…Gary Hart (D-CO) monkeying around with some Rice.

…Arnold Schwarzenegger (R-CA) singing Maria from the Sound of Music.

…Phillip Hinkle (R-IL) at a hotel calling 1-800-HOT-STUD.

…Mark Sanford (R-SC) on an Appalachian hiking trail.

…Dominique Strauss-Kahn (IMF) with a New York hotel housekeeper!

…Silvio Berlusconi (Italy) surfing Disney.com.

…Heidi Fleiss at the Bunny Ranch.

…Hulk Hogan at a swinger’s party.

…Paul Babeau (Pinal County Sheriff) at a INS Deportation Hearing.

…George Rekkers at a Baggage Claim.

…Jon Hinson (R-MS) in a head on a WWII Navy ship.

…Glenn Murphy (R-IN) with a passed out frat boy.

…Ted Haggard in a day spa.

…and probably wetter than Sarah Palin (R-AK) in a game preserve.

…David Wu (D-OR) at Daddy/Daughter work day.

…Bill Clinton (D) at a Dry Cleaners.

…Larry Craig (R-FL) at Minneapolis airport bathroom. At least, that’s my stance on it.

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This week on Twitter (3/29 – 4/5)

This week’s attempt to be funny on Twitter from 3/29 to 4/5 (posted in order of Tweets). I spent most of my time during this period in Austin, TX for the American Atheists Convention (#AACON13), so I was pretty much ignoring social media. I bought a new camera so I could take pictures and never used it once.

3/30

OMG, DJ is playing Dougie Fresh & Slick Rick! I just had an 80’s orgasm!

3/31

So did Jesus see his shadow this morning?

4/1

It smells like bat shit. Wait… what’s that chirping sound?

Just crushed this fool who wanted to tell us about Jesus. Boy, did you pick the wrong atheist to proselytize to!

4/3

I’ve seen horrible shit in my life but Kevin Ware’s injury made me cringe. On the bright side, he’ll rock the paralympics!

I’m hotter than Chris Lee (R-NY) at a GNC store buying Muscle Milk.

4/4

Nicolas Cage walks into an adult store. Clerk suggests a dildo he can use to “tear that vagina up.” Cage responds, “I’m more of a vagina protector.”

4/5

#BecauseOfAdamLambert I renewed my appreciation for the hatred of popism.

One more tick in the “Yep, I’m straight” column. #BecauseOfAdamLambert

#BecauseOfAdamLambert : When the Jonas Brothers meet the wardrobe of My Chemical Romance.

#BackIn7thGrade seeing it was more interesting than putting it in.