This week on Twitter (3/15 – 3/22)

This week’s attempt to be funny on Twitter from 3/15 to 3/22 (posted in order of Tweets). One of my jobs got canceled and I was extra bored… so spent more time than usual on Twitter.

3/16

#WeWereCoolUntilYou told me you like Yanni.

I hate proselytizing felines! #Evangelion

#IfiWokeUpInANewBugatti I’d check the back seat for Caroline Mulford.

3/19

Prison rape. #GrandTheftAutoMemories

Saw this: #SarahPalinDoes and misread it as #SarahPalinDies. Oh well, they can’t all be good news days.

I’m hotter, and probably wetter, than Sarah Palin on a game preserve. #SarahPalinDoes

#GrowingUpAsABlackKid was really hard, especially since I was white.

When your morse code dashes are shaped like penises: #GuyCode

3/20

No problem accessing the al’Aqsa mosque since he’s Muslim! #ObamainIsrael /sarcasm

While there, he should get stoned… by Palestinians. #ObamainIsrael /sarcasm

He’s totally Kosher! #ObamainIsrael

Did he bring his Star of David Axelrod? #ObamainIsrael

Glad to see Obama concentrating. #ObamainIsrael

#ObamainIsrael, it’s hot as an oven!

#ObamainIsrael, what a gas!

Finally going to see if he can walk on water! #ObamainIsrael

“I can see #ObamainIsrael from my back yard!” – Sarah Palin

Pope Francis “dazzled” by girl: boys issue sigh of relief.

Snow on first day of spring: climate change deniers have premature orgasm.

WI closes nude beach on weekdays. Naked mole rats plan protest.

“$10,000 for me by myself. For that you get the head, the tail, the whole damn thing.” – K-Mart

“Cage goes in the water, you go in the water. Shark’s in the water. Our shark.” – K-Mart

Headline: “Arctic gets greener as climate warms up.” So when do we stop calling it the Arctic?

Red Tide killing manatees in Florida: University of Alabama denies involvement.

Voice of Elmo gets new allegations of sex abuse. This Fall, on PBS, Sexame Street!

Headline: “Emma Watson not locked into 50 Shades of Grey.” Yeah, more like shackled, chained, and ball-gagged.

Messiah Mobile #ObamaLimoNames

Mohamen Mehdi Ouazanni #ObamaLimoNames

Afghanipimpin’ #ObamaLimoNames

Back and to the Right, Back and to the Right, Back and to the Right. #ObamaLimoNames

My Set List for tonight (time allowing): Stinky Simon, Poopy Chutes & Male On Deck, Pink Palace, and My Sex Tape.

Wow, that set list actually went over well in the redneck bar. LOL

3/21

Conservatives outting themselves as prejudiced bigots so I know who they are. #WhyISmile

#ImSoUsedToHearing shit come out of Republican mouths, that I carry Wet Wipes with me at all times.

3/22

Were you really a warrior? #AskScandal

Women who hold farts all day just release them in spurts while sleeping: a whole new definition to motorboating.

MTV killed the video star. #RetroMTV

Girls holding their farts in. #TheMostAnnoyingThingsEver

After having rough sex with a paleontologist, she discovered that her vagisaurus.

Netflix, Thou Doth Fucketh Me!

Netflix Bait & Switch Gifting

Oh Netflix, why do I love thee, even though thou doth fucketh me?

So back in December of 2012 I purchased a two-month gift subscription for two friends. They redeemed their gift on December 19th. And then in February and March of 2013 I was billed twice: once for my account and once for the gifted account.

So I contacted Netflix Customer Support today (3/21/2013) and they told me that at the end of the two months the subscription defaults to the “card on file,” which was the card I used to purchase the gift. Wait, how is my card the “card on file” when I just used it to purchase a two-month gift? I didn’t purchase a recurring membership: only a two-month gift subscription. At the end of the two months, Netflix should have asked the gift recipient for their credit card (even better, at the beginning when they first created their new account with my two-month gift).

Netflix said that it’s in the Terms of Service that it will default to the card on file. Again, why is my card the “card on file” since I didn’t purchase a recurring membership? You cannot tell me that I’m purchasing a two-month gift and then hide in the TOS somewhere that I’m really purchasing a recurring monthly membership.

Netflix did give me my money back. They also canceled the gifted account. That was the only way to resolve it, which means the recipients now have to create a brand new account and redo their Instant Queue list (sorry guys, I wish there had been another way).

While they did return my money and fix the issue, they insisted the entire time that they were not at fault and it was my fault for not reading the TOS about the “card on file.” Bullshit! I didn’t give them a “card on file.” I used a card to purchase a two-month membership for a gift. It stated explicitly that I was purchasing only two months and the gift card that was sent to the recipient stated explicitly that they had received a two month subscription.

This is classic Bait & Switch bullshit tactics and it should be considered credit card fraud on the part of Netflix since I clearly did not authorize my card for a recurring membership.

Shame on you Netflix! I wonder how many other people out there are paying for recurring memberships for other people when they only gifted a month or two. The small charge of $7.99 can easily be overlooked. After all, it took me two months to notice that I was getting billed twice since the charges were over twenty days apart.

I will never gift Netflix again. This is a serious flaw in Netflix’s gifting system that needs to be addressed, but as long as they’re using Bait & Switch and insisting the TOS covers their ass, people are going to get fucked over.

This week on Twitter (3/8 – 3/15)

This week’s attempt to be funny on Twitter from 3/8 to 3/15 (posted in order of Tweets). I spent the weekend in Wichita, KS unplugged mostly and neglected Twitter & Facebook. Thanks to Skeptics of Oz for a great time and letting me do standup for a bunch of heathens!

3/11

Two hyenas escape San Diego Zoo and are recaptured, but not before terrorizing neighborhood by repeatedly saying Mufasa while laughing.

Illinois lawmakers proposed a bill banning lion meat in food: they should call the bill Born Free.

#YoureMoreAttractiveIf you know what the Dewey Decimal Classification is.

#YoureMoreAttractiveIf you don’t have a stick up your arse.

#YoureMoreAttractiveIf you know who Lew Moxon is.

#YoureMoreAttractiveIf we’re at a costume party.

I like putting Shrimp on the Barbie. Barbie’s a stripper I know. #OutbackChat

#first30songsonshuffle so can I try a different dance now? Maybe #next30songsontwist?

#mixupmykitchen contest? Who needs a contest when a tornado can do it for you?

A new personal record! Blocked by two hash tag creators in one hour! BWAHAHAHAHA!!!

3/12

One would think male Country & Western singers and male Rappers would get along better given their equal treatment of women.

#TheWorldMadeSenseWhen our ancestors clubbed women and dragged them by the hair. Yeah, it was wrong… but it made sense.

#TheWorldMadeSenseWhen the left was actually left and the right wasn’t driving off the crazy cliff.

#ImEasilyAnnoyedBy blue laws. I should be able to take care of my blue balls any time I want!

3/13

#SomeDayiHopeToSee a meteor impact, as it’s the only natural disaster I haven’t been in.

#SomeDayiHopeToSee Monty Python’s Killer Bunny eat Paul Ryan’s face off. And King Arthur will say, “That rabbit’s dynamite.”

Libertarians drone on and on about the powerful marketplace of ideas. Do they know their ideas lost in that market.

#ReplaceMovieTitlesWithPope When Pope Attacks. Earth is invaded by Popes with a cruel sense of humor and love of boys.

#ReplaceMovieTitlesWithPope “Pope Needs Women” – Martians needed them to mate… the Pope needs ’em to stop Catholic sexism.

#ReplaceMovieTitlesWithPope “Pope In Pink” – Story of the Pope’s first prom and his brand new dress. #HabemusPapam #WhiteSmoke

#ReplaceMovieTitlesWithPope “It’s a Pope Pope Pope Pope World!” – Well, at least the media would have us think such.

#ReplaceMovieTitlesWithPope “Il Diavolo a Sette Popas” – The Devil thought he had 7 Popes. Turns out he had all of them.

#ReplaceMovieTitlesWithPope “Dawn of the Pope” – #WhiteSmoke toxins raise the dead and the Vatican gets its apocalypse after all.

#ReplaceMovieTitlesWithPope “Planet of the Popes” – Story of man’s fall as he becomes too stupid to think for himself.

#ReplaceMovieTitlesWithPope “Twilight Saga: Breaking Pope” – Glittery vampires take over the Vatican and looking better than Pope dresses.

I voted for Pontius Pilate. #WhiteSmoke

Note: Hipsters and atheist jokes don’t mix. Nasty vagina jokes: like pouring PBR into the meat under their beret-covered tangled hair.

3/14

I wonder if you rub a boy’s penis long enough if it will generate #WhiteSmoke

I’m sorry, but your sister is nicer to me. #BreakUpLines

I was drunk. She was drunk. The horse was drunk. Hey, shit happens. #BreakUpLines

If I wanted to go spelunking, I’d go into an actual cave. #BreakUpLines

I found out the EPA has a warning out on your vagina. #BreakUpLines

Jesus returns: modern Christians crucify him. #SixWordFilmPlots

Republican admits homosexuality: no one surprised. #SixWordFilmPlots

Drone takes out Congress “by accident.” #SixWordFilmPlots

Jesus returns: only National Inquirer notices. #SixWordFilmPlots

Zombie2pacalypse: 2 Pac returns from dead. #SixWordFilmPlots

MacClane sex heart attack: Die Hardest #SixWordFilmPlots

Hugo Chavez: Under-Reported Headlines

Yes, Hugo Chavez is dead, but there were some under-reported headlines that came out of his death:

Sarah Palin reports, “I can see his corpse from my back yard.”

Kathryn Bigelow disappointed to learn Seal Team Six didn’t kill him, ending her new movie plans.

Dick Cheney insists Venezuela hiding WMD’s in Chavez’s coffin: Colin Powell prepares UN speech to prove it.

Two eyewitnesses see Chavez leave the building with Elvis.

Israel apologizes, saying, “Our bad, we thought he was a former Nazi in disguise.”

Russian KGB apologizes, saying, “Our bad, we meant to poison that other guy in the hospital.”

Donald Trump demands long-form death certificate.

United States formerly admits to having a secret cancer drone.

Bane upset: didn’t give Chavez permission to die.

Chavez corpse still getting more pussy than Aquaman.

This week on Twitter (3/1 – 3/8)

This week’s attempt to be funny on Twitter from 3/1 to 3/8 (posted in order of Tweets). I was uber busy with work and didn’t get as much shit done on Twitter this week.

3/1

So that Republicans have one person to point at to prove themselves right, I’m going to CHOOSE to be homeless this year.

Sad Dr. Seuss occurred on 3/1 as well.

3/2

I fixed my Internet. Don’t know how. But it’s working. Therefore, I fixed it.

I shall resist the temptation to play with the #BadChildrensBooks on Twitter.

3/3

Pickers, homeless & scavengers: I get you digging through my trash, but have the courtesy to FUCKING CLEAN UP THE MESS YOU MAKE!

3/4

Only two people make Rick look sane: #LoneWolf and #TheGovernor. @WalkingDead_AMC @AMCTalkingdead

Ellen Ripley, she’ll rock the Zombiepocalypse. #FictionalCharactersIWantToMarry

Claire Standish, Andie Walsh, Samantha Baker, & Frannie Goldsmith #FictionalCharactersIWantToMarry #StuckInThe80s

3/6

Hugo Chavez dead: Venezuelan news agencies have no idea what to say now.

Hugo Chavez dead: United States finally admits to secret cancer drones.

Hugo Chavez dead: Israeli official apologizes, “We thought he was an ex-Nazi in disguise.”

Hugo Chavez dead: Russian KGB apologizes, “Sorry, we meant to poison that other guy in the hospital.”

Hugo Chavez dead: Two witnesses swear they saw him leaving the building with Elvis.

Hugo Chavez dead: Dick Cheney insists they’re hiding WMD’s in his body.

Hugo Chavez dead: Kathryn Bigelow says she was disappointed to find out SEAL Team Six didn’t kill him, stopping her movie plans.

Hugo Chavez dead: Donald Trump demands long form death certificate.
Expand

Hugo Chavez dead: Sarah Palin says she can see his corpse from her back yard. And she read it in a bunch of magazines and newspapers.

Hugo Chavez dead: Bane upset as he did not give Hugo permission to die.

Hugo Chavez dead: Still getting laid more than Aquaman.

It’s sinkhole season in Florida! Rabbit Season! Sinkhole Season! Rabbit Season! Sinkhole Season! Duck Season! BLAM!

3/7

North Korea threatens US with nuclear strike: Okay fine, but can we pick the target?

3/8

I was going to do a Michael Jackson impersonation, but I couldn’t get any kids to volunteer.

Mental Gymnastics should be an Olympic sport.