BWAHAHA: 3/15 – 3/21

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 3/15 – 3/21: This week has been a fun and hectic week for me. My girlfriend is trying to kill me with exercise. I keep telling her that she’s not on my life insurance policy, but she doesn’t seem to care. On the bright side, I’ve lost another 1/2” off my waist (or my ass, I can’t tell). Oh, and fuck you anti-vax morons for causing the Measles to come back to NYC.

3/16

Training today’s cheerleaders for tomorrow’s Zombiepocalypse.

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#Cosmos gonna piss off the Religious Wrong again. That happens when you live on faith instead of science.

Oh for fuck’s sake, will someone please kill Lizzy! #TWD (Oh, thanks, much appreciated!)

3/17

I miss California quakes. I don’t miss 24/7 news coverage of people who “lost a tile in their ceiling.”

I wonder if Fred Phelps will have a deathbed conversion… (like gay sex with a male nurse)

Wearing a condom during a fertility festival seems kinda blasphemous.

#earthquake and #luckoftheirish are both trending. Are those two things related?

I don’t know if Flight 370 was hijacked or not, but conspiracy theorists have certainly hijacked the story.

Why are you craning to go to war? What’s the rush, huh?

Politautoeroticasphyxiation: conservatives who don’t realize the GOP they love is actually strangulating them.

#TWD birthday gifts!

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Today me buddy O’Laden ‘n I formed Clan O’Kayda and we drank Irish Car Bombs all day!

3/19

Smurficide almost complete!

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Smurfette Gusher

“Pardon me, sir. Would you happen to have some Grey Poupon?”

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Critical Eye Podcast E042: If You’re Gonna Go Big… Go BigIkeComedy!

Someone needs an anger management class and an addiction rehabilitation center.

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Well, at least he’s wearing shirt and shoes… so he gets service.

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Republican Fire Department responds to a fire at a house owned by a “mooching non-tax-paying” citizen.

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3/20

I was surprised to find out that “The Best of the Cutting Crew” was more than just a CD Single.

If you want to celebrate Fred Phelps’ death, do it by signing petitions and getting involved in gay rights activism. [Not funny, just real.]

“It was cheaper than on the base,” stated LT Rogers.

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We do what we want… (photo by me)

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When you’re tired of enforcing the rules… (photo by me)

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Sweater vests should be de-regulated! #RepublicanHipster

“My beer already tastes like piss, so what’s a little de-regulation gonna do? ” – #RepublicanHipster

3/21

I’m amazed at how many people don’t know that the One Eyed One Horned Flying Purple People Eater is a penis.

Life can be tough for a lesbian left-handed albino midget Eskimo. (Props to those that get it.)

The more I think about it, the more GayOz Theory makes sense.

Okay, now the military is starting to creep me out…

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Creationists wanting to participate in Cosmos is like Kindergartners wanting to participate in College.

Creationists wanting to participate in Cosmos is like Mario Kart wanting to participate in the Indy 500.

Creationists wanting to participate in Cosmos is like garden slug wanting to participate in a Triathlon.

Creationists wanting to participate in Cosmos is like T-Ball wanting to participate in the NBA, MLB or whatever acronym represents baseball.

Gotta remember that I’m not 20 anymore. Let’s just say I’m not as flexible as I used to be.

I don’t think that sign means what the think it means. (photo by me)

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This week on Twitter (4/12 – 4/19)

This week’s attempt to be funny on Twitter from 4/12 to 4/19 (posted in order of Tweets). Yeah, yeah, yeah… I’m running almost three weeks behind on getting these up on the web page. Fuck off already. This is the week of the Boston Marathon bombing. Comedy helps bring levity to stressful situations and is a coping mechanism for many people: it’s why trauma physicians, police officers, fire fighters, soldiers, and more use humor during times of stress. This was followed by the explosion in West, Texas. This humor may seem insensitive to the ignorant, but it is far from such. After 9/11 everyone was afraid to be funny and it was the wrong thing to do. I was glad to see humor after Boston. It was much needed.

4/15

Did the condom just break? #5WordsiHateToHear

No, that’s my natural lubricant. #5WordsiHateToHear

Republican candidate takes the lead. #5WordsiHateToHear

Have you heard about Jesus? #5WordsiHateToHear

I’d run the #BostonMarathon, but I don’t have a leg to stand on. #TooSoon

4/16

People keep saying, “We’ve always had a blast on Patriots Day and at the Boston Marathon.” Maybe we can choose another word?

#WelcomeToMySchoolWhere if you think everything is funny until they make fun of your pet issue: you’re expelled.

Supreme Court signals skepticism on patenting genes: so when can I get customized children?

Vandals destroy transformers in N. California, causing brownouts during optimum prime periods.

4/17

Libertarians, conservatives, licorice, Andrea Mitchell & Wolf Blitzer. #5ThingsThatAnnoyMe

4/18

In breaking news, the ATF conducted a raid on the city of West, Texas.

Once Little Miss Muffet ran away, did the spider ravish the curds and whey?

4/19

Oh man, the tension is like being inside a pressure cooker! #Watertown

I think their motive was to hear Bostonians say the word “terrah” all the time on the news. #BostonMarathon #Watertown

Wow, that traffic in #Watertown is so bad that even the police are gridlocked.

One man can change the world. Just ask Dzhokar Tsarnaev: he got millions to watch CNN for 19 hours straight.

Premiering this season on MTV, “Nineteen & Famous.” #Watertown

I have this weird urge to eat pirozhki. #Watertown

The Walking Dead should be filming episodes in Boston right now. Streets already empty.

That possum walked away saying, “Fuck, that guy is an amazing driver. I should be dead.”

Damnit, I’m missing the Macy’s Christmas Parade! #Watertown

Wait, I thought we already killed Osama. What was he doing in #Watertown ?

Dzhokar Tsarnae was like, “I’m on a boat, I’m on a boat, take a good hard look at the motherfucking boat!” #Watertown

So can we start profiling white people now? #Watertown #TSA #PatriotAct

Okay, that was fun… so when do the Boston Riots start? #Watertown

It’s times like these that make me forget about police brutality. #Watertown

If Bush were still in office, we’d be going to war with Czechoslovakia tomorrow. #Watertown #BostonMarathon

Dammit, another day that I’m supposed to “never forget.” #Alamo #PearlHarbor #9/11 #BostonMarathon

Dammit Dzhokar Tsarna, you’re interrupting Anthony Bourdain Parts Unknown! @Watertown