BWAHAHA: 6/28 – 7/4

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 6/28 – 7/4: I spent the week in Bella Vista, Arkansas. Bella Vista is near Bentonville, which is the corporate headquarters of Walmart. The influence of Walmart in the area is problematic as far as I can see, but when you’re immersed in it and Walmart pulls the wool over the resident’s eyes with cool stuff, then it’s hard to convince anyone living there of the horribleness that is Walmart. And if you visit their “quaint” museum, everything you need to know in order to hate Walmart is in plain sight, but cleverly written as propaganda to make it sound good. Walmart aside, the main reason I would never want to live there is too many Q-Tips driving slow on the road. I call them Q-Tips because the only thing you see is the puff of white cotton sticking up over the seat of the car in front of you that’s going 10 MPH below the speed limit or that has stopped 100 feet short of the white line at the red light because their depth perception is so fucking gone they think they’re on the damn white line.

We did have some fun up there, though. My girlfriend and I went canoeing down the Elk River. It took over three miles for her to figure out the physics of steering, after slamming us into trees, shallows, rocks, shores, and then tipping us over in the rapids. I thought it was just me, but then I noticed tons of men shaking their heads as the women steered them into the trees. By the end of the day I couldn’t decide if they were that dense or were doing it on purpose just to irritate us.

On a side note, I created a new group on Facebook for storm chasers in the North Alabama area. If you’re a storm chaser in the North Alabama area, join the group to post pictures, videos, share ideas, ask questions, etc.

OTHER STUFF

If you’re going to make something erect, it’s easier if you’re bare and a hussey.

The Walmart Museum has all the info necessary to hate Walmart, it’s just hidden among good propaganda.

Because it’s July 4th, I wore a British Punk band t-shirt to the picnic. #MURICA

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS

Facebook just recommended Rick & Bubba to me. I know they talk about me now and then, but c’mon Facebook! #AlgorithmFAIL

T Minus 1 Hour until vacation is launched! One week in the Ozarks. Oh wait, the Ozarks is in Arkansas. Umm… I’m excited, right? RIGHT?

I’m going to create a peanut butter flavored blow job lubricant and call it Nutter Butter.

Figuring out how to get this tree down safely has me stumped.

I want to make a Hobby Lobby joke, but the joke’s already on the American people. #AmericanTaliban

I love how the “We’re gonna get up early and go to the gym” crowd is still asleep. #Vacation

I’m at the intersection of Spanker Rd and Plentywood Rd in Bentonville, Arkansas. That’s now my new porn name: Spanker Plentywood.

Grandpa is driving so slow, he just got cutoff by a jogger. True story. Just happened.

This week on Twitter (4/12 – 4/19)

This week’s attempt to be funny on Twitter from 4/12 to 4/19 (posted in order of Tweets). Yeah, yeah, yeah… I’m running almost three weeks behind on getting these up on the web page. Fuck off already. This is the week of the Boston Marathon bombing. Comedy helps bring levity to stressful situations and is a coping mechanism for many people: it’s why trauma physicians, police officers, fire fighters, soldiers, and more use humor during times of stress. This was followed by the explosion in West, Texas. This humor may seem insensitive to the ignorant, but it is far from such. After 9/11 everyone was afraid to be funny and it was the wrong thing to do. I was glad to see humor after Boston. It was much needed.

4/15

Did the condom just break? #5WordsiHateToHear

No, that’s my natural lubricant. #5WordsiHateToHear

Republican candidate takes the lead. #5WordsiHateToHear

Have you heard about Jesus? #5WordsiHateToHear

I’d run the #BostonMarathon, but I don’t have a leg to stand on. #TooSoon

4/16

People keep saying, “We’ve always had a blast on Patriots Day and at the Boston Marathon.” Maybe we can choose another word?

#WelcomeToMySchoolWhere if you think everything is funny until they make fun of your pet issue: you’re expelled.

Supreme Court signals skepticism on patenting genes: so when can I get customized children?

Vandals destroy transformers in N. California, causing brownouts during optimum prime periods.

4/17

Libertarians, conservatives, licorice, Andrea Mitchell & Wolf Blitzer. #5ThingsThatAnnoyMe

4/18

In breaking news, the ATF conducted a raid on the city of West, Texas.

Once Little Miss Muffet ran away, did the spider ravish the curds and whey?

4/19

Oh man, the tension is like being inside a pressure cooker! #Watertown

I think their motive was to hear Bostonians say the word “terrah” all the time on the news. #BostonMarathon #Watertown

Wow, that traffic in #Watertown is so bad that even the police are gridlocked.

One man can change the world. Just ask Dzhokar Tsarnaev: he got millions to watch CNN for 19 hours straight.

Premiering this season on MTV, “Nineteen & Famous.” #Watertown

I have this weird urge to eat pirozhki. #Watertown

The Walking Dead should be filming episodes in Boston right now. Streets already empty.

That possum walked away saying, “Fuck, that guy is an amazing driver. I should be dead.”

Damnit, I’m missing the Macy’s Christmas Parade! #Watertown

Wait, I thought we already killed Osama. What was he doing in #Watertown ?

Dzhokar Tsarnae was like, “I’m on a boat, I’m on a boat, take a good hard look at the motherfucking boat!” #Watertown

So can we start profiling white people now? #Watertown #TSA #PatriotAct

Okay, that was fun… so when do the Boston Riots start? #Watertown

It’s times like these that make me forget about police brutality. #Watertown

If Bush were still in office, we’d be going to war with Czechoslovakia tomorrow. #Watertown #BostonMarathon

Dammit, another day that I’m supposed to “never forget.” #Alamo #PearlHarbor #9/11 #BostonMarathon

Dammit Dzhokar Tsarna, you’re interrupting Anthony Bourdain Parts Unknown! @Watertown