BWAHAHA: 6/7 – 6/13

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 6/7 – 6/13: I spent the week in a Mississippi jail. I’ve become the pawn of a Sheriff who thinks I’m the guy who is going to get him reelected. No, I’m not a prisoner being made an example of. I’m a contractor, who by completing the job in time, will make the voters happy enough to reelect a Sheriff. But see, that just means there’s enough voters out there who have family and friends in prison, that making them happy can mean a reelection. What does that say about 1) Mississippi, and 2) our Judicial system? When your reelection hinges on a single item you may want to consider how well you’re doing with the rest of your job. People should reelect you because you’re doing a good job, not because you accomplished a single thing.

While in Mississippi I’ve had a couple of run-ins with rednecks. One of them was literally a tit-for-tat conversation of, “At least in California we’re progressive,” “Yeah, well at least in Mississippi we don’t suck cocks,”

“No, you do suck cocks, you’re just afraid of homosexuality, so you beat the shit out of gays instead of admitting you’re gay.”

“Fuck you, you liberal hippie!”

“You’d like to, wouldn’t you, you gay Mississippian!”

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS

Four customers and three employees were all singing to the Village People’s YMCA playing on the radio in the BP gas station. #LifeGemstones

We wouldn’t be playing this keep passing reach other game if you would USE YOUR FUCKING CRUISE CONTROL! #IdiotDrivers

We only have one life to lose… so lose it well.

I now believe in God. I prayed for hot mustard to come back and it did. Not sure why he doesn’t answer prayers of starving kids in Africa.

It’s 90 degrees outside and 96 degrees in the jail. Can I go outside now please?

What’s that? Lightning and wind and rain? Yeah… fuck going out to eat. Dominos.Com save the day!

Yesterday I lost 10lbs in sweat. Today I’m gaining 10 lbs from being soaked to the bone. #MississippiWeather

Why is the waitress calling me “darlin” when I’m clearly 20 years older than her? #TipPandering

Wow, did Virginia really just replace a crazy person with a crazier person? #CantorVsBrat

Of course the Tea Party candidate is named Brat. OF COURSE!

“Six minutes! Six minutes! Six minutes Doogie Howser is on!” #RuinaRapSong #HSVcomedy

Cantor gets rejected, Tea Party gets selected. The GOP is divided. Now we’re voting for crazier over crazy. #HSVcomedy #RuinaRapSong

Have you ever seen a party with whites on the mic. With one minute sound bites that don’t come out right? #HSVcomedy #RuinaRapSong #GOP

I saw the Sheriff, but I did not see the Deputy. #Jailin

GF asked, “What you guys talk about?” “Nothing.” “Really?” “Yeah, we’re dudes, our conversations are like three sentences long.”

Eric Can’tor

Explaining to MS native, “MS is ranked last in almost everything.” He responds, “Well, at least we’re not pussies down here.” #FairEnough

I can’t tell if I’m in the DMARC or a sauna. Computers love the heat, right?

Why does Popeye’s serve non-spicy chicken? If you want boring chicken, go to KFC.

CAPTION CENTRAL

Another friendly reminder to always be aware of your surroundings…

And we wonder why the French hate us…

North Korea announces invention of teleprompter to ensure citizens will say what the government wants them to say.

I don’t know about you, but I prefer it when my farts speak in Mandarin or Siamese.

Someone has a Boba Fettish.

I went to Rome and all I got to see was the Fontana di Elderli.

BWAHAHA: 2/22 – 2/28

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 2/22 – 2/28: Well this week we survived Ragnarok, another failed religious prediction of the end of the world. And so, we are back to waiting… once again. I had my first date in a very long time this week as well, which turned into a second date, and a third date, and a fourth date, and a trip together. I’m pretty fucking happy right now, so that means I’ve been a little nicer to anti-vax morons and creationists this week.

2/22

I’m not sure if I should celebrate Ragnarok or National Margarita Day. Vikings drank Margaritas, right? #Ragnarok

Today, the Ice Giants come back to ruin the world! #Ragnarok #NationalMargaritaDay

Just experienced the messenger version of the awkward silence. Weird.

I ate more Indian food in one sitting than several villages in India eat in a single day. #FirstWorldAwesome

I can’t decide if transcrypt is a crypt that is movable or one that’s sexually flexible.

2/23

Having a hoarder say, “Sorry about the mess” is like having Hitler say, “Sorry about that Jew.”

2/24

I’m pretty sure my thermostat is a compulsive liar.

Who ‘ya gonna call? Not Harold Ramis! Keep on Ghostbustin’ Harold! We’ll miss ‘ya!

If there’s a Heaven… I hope Harold Ramis is up there kicking Slimer’s ass right now.

If Gov. Brewer signs SB102, then straight supporters should dress like the Village People when going out to dinner.

Post what you eat: food woo posts on your thread in 3… 2… 1…

I’m pretty sure Jesus masturbates. That’s what rainbows are. And a double rainbow? Oh yeah, Second Coming!

Apparently some people still do read the newspaper.

The headline says, “Twin Peaks now online.”

It’s a pretty well-rounded newspaper.

I wonder if it has a classifieds section.

Sometimes you have to read between the lines to get to the meat of a story.

That must be the newspaper from Butte, MT.

It’s mostly opinions and editorials.

New God billboard proposal: “I haven’t been laid in 2,000 years.” – God

This Easter I’m going to walk around with a t-shirt that says, “I voted for Pontius Pilate.” (Oh yeah, I created it!)

2/26

Winter has been long and hard. Someone take away Father Nature’s Viagra.

Does a hairy fetishist shout, “Show me your pits!” (followed by, “Pits or GTFO!”)

“It’s a dry heat” just means you need more anal lube in Arizona.

Finally saw Gravity. It would have been better if she had died at the end. From a shark attack.

2/27

I think it’s great that the fight against gay marriage is actually what is helping move gay marriage forward.

After a careful search for clues, we have successfully identified the Tea Party senator’s seat.

She’s not just voluptuous, she’s voluptuass!

I was told that I was a gateway drug. Still trying to figure out what I’m a gateway to.

My friends suggested: Mexican food, Hell, bad synthpop, and bear & cub relationships. They know me all to well.

He meant to do that…

2/28

Tonight was awesome, but I felt like I was back in junior high. It was cute. Lol

This Senior Citizens Center is much more cost effective…

This week on Twitter (6/29 – 7/5)

This week on Twitter (6/29 – 7/5)

6/30

Getting whiffs of marijuana while sitting at my desk. Either someone’s smoking tons near my house or I’m having a frontal lobe seizure.

#BETAwardsPreShow, all these posts about B. Scott are really confusing me.

#BETAwardsPreShow, they just gave #KanyeWest his own microphone this year.

OMG, why didn’t someone tell me that Deb killed LaGuerta!?!?!?!

7/1

Teabaggers are happy today: Obama went back to Africa. I don’t have the heart to tell them he’s coming back.

I can’t tell if #summerknights is a new song or a code letting the Klan know they can wear short-sleeve robes.

7/2

#IfMyMomHadATwitter she’d never use it, because she could never talk in less than 140 characters.

#TheSecretToLifeIs laughing at the size of your penis instead of crying over it.

Technically speaking, a log cabin is a treehouse.

7/4

My friend is stuck at the Sheremetyevo Airport. Apparently there was a blizzard because the airport is #Snowden.

Anyone else heard that new Bangles’ song, “Coup Like An Egyptian?”

Apparently the Egyptians don’t like The Smiths, as they just kicked #Morsi out.

Celebrating July 4th by kicking a Native American in the balls. Just feels like the right thing to do.

Apparently, fans of The Smiths have decided to fight back and get #Morsi back into Egypt.

This week on Twitter (5/10 – 5/17)

This week on Twitter (5/10 – 5/17). Yeah, I know, it’s already July 24th, but I’ve got lots of catching up to do because I’m lazy as fuck but now and then get a bug up my ass to get my shit caught up.

5/10

Couldn’t light the candles because I don’t have a lighter in the house: ah, the joys of being a non-smoker now.

5/11

In the last 60 sec’s, Americans ate 27,000 hot dogs. Yep, dogs truly are man’s best friend.

Trending on Twitter now: “#HowToBlendInWithWhitePeople” – Somehow I don’t think that’s gonna be good for any color.

5/12

The new show “Ultimate Survivor: Alaska” is about not getting an STD, right?

5/14

So how is #AngelinaJolie supposed to film Salt II without her shakers?

Universal Studios has just announced that #AngelinaJolie will be starring in “Boob, Interrupted” followed by “Fuck Cancer!” #GoGirl

Taken 3: Bryan Mills on the phone with #AngelinaJolie ‘s breasts, “The next part is very important. They’re going to take you.”

#IfLilWaynesARapper then #AngelinaJolie is breastfeeding babies. #TooSoon

The Six-Fingered Man is participating in the #MarchAgainstMonsanto because Monsanto killed his father. Vicious cycle.

5/15

What irritates me most about the IRS scandal? It’s put Tea Party spokesidiots back on news shows. Thanks IRS.

5/16

I’m going to change my middle name to “TeaParty” so it takes the #IRS longer to realize I owe them money.

I’m Hotter Than…

I’ve often employed the “I’m hotter than…” when I’m on stage and sweating (either as Reverend Blair or during my standup). I’ve had a few people ask me to compile all of them into one place, so here they are.

I’m hotter than…

…Eric Massa (D-NY) at a tickling convention.

…Bill Clinton (D) in a cigar shop.

…General Patraeus at a biographer’s convention.

… Anthony Weiner (D-NY) with a Twitter & Instagram account.

…Chris Lee (R-NY) at a GNC store buying Muscle Milk.

…the RNC at Vegas strip club!

…Tom Ganley (R-OH) at a Women’s Tea Party!

…John Ensign (R-NV) at a BFF Convention.

…John Edwards (D-NC) talking to a producer while at a Cancer Awareness conference.

…David Vitter (R-LA) at a DC Brothel.

…Mark Foley (R-FL) at summer Intern program.

…Brian Doyle (Dep. Press Sec. of DHS) in a Hannah Montana chat room.

…Jack Ryan (R-IL) at a Seven of Nine Whips & Chains Club!

…David Vitter (R-LA) with a little black notebook.

…George Rekkers on a European cruise.

…Strom Thurmond (R-SC) surrounded by teenage negro staff.

…Ed Schrock (R-VA) visiting hotmilitarystud.com run by Jeff Gannon (George Bush press appointee).

…Gary Condit (D-CA) at a CSI convention.

…Monica Lewinsky getting Tripp’d up on a blue dress!

…Gary Hart (D-CO) monkeying around with some Rice.

…Arnold Schwarzenegger (R-CA) singing Maria from the Sound of Music.

…Phillip Hinkle (R-IL) at a hotel calling 1-800-HOT-STUD.

…Mark Sanford (R-SC) on an Appalachian hiking trail.

…Dominique Strauss-Kahn (IMF) with a New York hotel housekeeper!

…Silvio Berlusconi (Italy) surfing Disney.com.

…Heidi Fleiss at the Bunny Ranch.

…Hulk Hogan at a swinger’s party.

…Paul Babeau (Pinal County Sheriff) at a INS Deportation Hearing.

…George Rekkers at a Baggage Claim.

…Jon Hinson (R-MS) in a head on a WWII Navy ship.

…Glenn Murphy (R-IN) with a passed out frat boy.

…Ted Haggard in a day spa.

…and probably wetter than Sarah Palin (R-AK) in a game preserve.

…David Wu (D-OR) at Daddy/Daughter work day.

…Bill Clinton (D) at a Dry Cleaners.

…Larry Craig (R-FL) at Minneapolis airport bathroom. At least, that’s my stance on it.