BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 7/18 – 11/20: Boy am I waaaaaaaaaay behind! A lot’s happened since my last BWAHAHA. I moved to Austin, TX. I eliminated stress in my life and made a lot of life changes in order to be happy before I die. This means I’ve added a few things to my bucket list. Prior to this, I had done everything on my bucket list. The only thing left to add was make-believe shit and crimes. But now that I’m like stress free and really happy with my life, there’s new shit I gotta try! Wish me luck!
What else? I got to see the Psychedelic Furs live! What an amazing show. It was also the first concert that Suzie and I have been to where we weren’t the oldest people there! Also got to finally see Mr. Kitty, who puts on one helluva an enthusiastic performance. He hugged me after the show, so scratch that one off my new happy bucket list!
Watching Doomsday Preppers for shits & giggles. Some stuff to learn, but really love how NatGeo calls ’em out on their BS on the screen.
In my back yard yelling at the bats, “Eat them fucking skeeters! Eat ’em!”
And then Date Night took a turn for the worse.
Watching “An Honest Liar” with Suzie (doc about The Amazing Randi) and we saw me. That was really cool!
BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 4/25 – 7/17: Yeah, almost three months in one post. I don’t know why I fell so far behind, except that I was concentrating more on the my storm chasing in the last few months since it was storm “season” here in Alabama. I’ve actually been slacking big time on comedy. I’ve only done a couple of open mics and only one show. Whether or not that changes… we’ll see. Comedy isn’t a full-time adventure for me. I have no desire to leave Huntsville and go on national tours: it’s a hobby. That means I do it when I feel like it, not because I have to. With that said… here’s the last few months of the stuff I did do.
My favorite way to do the tip line.
I want to open a walk-in clinic in San Francisco and call it Baysick Care.
When you don’t have a shredder, this is how you get rid of papers you can’t throw away.
Just got done watching E.T., which is the story of a young Jedi who gets left behind on Earth.
Intentional or unintentional? #PlayingWithBalls
Cory brought me back some Blue Flame Moonshine (128 proof). Can’t wait to pass out… I mean try it.
The cutest picture you’ll ever see me take on the toilet. Diego can sure pick awkward times to get cuddly.
From this point forward I will be referring to female Dr. Who fans as Whoters.
Clearly I’m playing too much #Destiny
Everyone says San Andreas is going to suck. However, it’s about earthquakes, so it gets a free suck pass in my book. Will see it tonight!
I’m gonna go with misspelled heresy cake. Burn in chocolate hell sinners! City Cafe, Huntsville
I think The Mattress Firm needs some good competition, so I’m going to open a store across the street called The Mattress Soft.
Spent 20 minutes looking for my phone. Finally called it from Google Hangouts… and it vibrated in my pocket. Gonna be one of those days!
I have been asked for my receipt when leaving WalMart twice in two weeks. Did they change their policy to ask white people now?
Huntsville’s MAGIC (Meteorological Avoidance of Ground Inclement Clouds) Weather Bubble seems to be working just fine today.
If you’re a member of 78 groups and most of them are some form of buy/sell/trade group, I’m going to assume you’re a spammer and block you from my groups. Even if you’re not… sorry. #GuiltyOfProfiling
“Girly Quotes” followed me on Twitter. Probably because I mentioned “wedding” in one of my Tweets. Boy is “Girly Quotes” in for a big surprise!
If my electric bill stays this high, I may have to convert to Amish.
When your GF’s not home and you can play your video game as loud as you want. Oh yeah…
I guess the cat’s hungry.
My favorite Mexican restaurant is slowly replacing it’s male wait staff with females. I’m good with that, because I like Carne Asada Tacos.
Listening to crime docs: if you wanna kill someone, don’t get an insurance policy on them and don’t have an affair: dead giveaways of guilt.
One of the family members just introduced me to his family by calling me a “famous entertainer.” I’ll take that.
I just need to quit being on time. I’m sitting at a large table by myself again waiting for everyone else.
When you don’t have to show your ID because the bouncer recognizes you. I may come here too much.
Cute girl asks to sit at our table. Introduces herself to the guys. Flirts. 8 minutes later, introduces boyfriend as he walks up. #Played
I’m always creeped out when someone recognizes me from FOX news, because that means they “really” pay attention to FOX News.
Number from Russia calls and hangs up when I answer. Is it a mail order bride, mafia, or Snowden?
Why does a Dr’s office that specializes in back injuries have shitty chairs and then makes you wait for two hours in those shitty chairs?
Something seems off here. Can’t quite put my finger on it. Maybe I need to up my vitamin intake.
Blackhawk helicopters circling over the house. Maybe using “pressure cooker” & “explosive diarrhea” in same Tweet wasn’t such a good idea.
Ready to marry the happy couple. Beautiful day at the Botanical Gardens. I look like a rabbi with the Dr. Who scarf on. Whozel Tov!
Kenny Loggins’ Danger Zone could totally be retooled as a Storm Chaser anthem!
Tumblr is not working and no one is talking about it! WTF?!?!?!?! Wait… is Tumblr the new MySpace?
A bat just ran into my windshield. That had to hurt.
Getting ready to go see JAWS in a theater for its 40th anniversary. Woot!
Good grief! The seats at this theater are actually smaller than airplane economy seats. Um, hello, obesity epidemic! Upgrade your seats!
Scientists are talking about a possible sixth mass extinction. I’m cool with that as long as mosquitoes and gnats are included.
I think the Democrats should run a black female atheist lesbian Socialist hippie. Just for the giggles of watching conservatives react.
If WalMart removes all confederate flag products from shelves, then what will happen to the #PeopleOfWalmart web page? Let’s rethink this!!
Stores, cities, and states are removing the Confederate Flag. Showing my support by flying the real flag on my house.
I will not read the comments on SOCTUS ruling. I will not read the comments on SOCTUS ruling. I will not read the comments on SOCTUS ruling.
Future Headline: 6/26/2020 – Five Years Later, Bigoted Preachers ‘Still’ Waiting on Government Letter Forcing Them to Perform Gay Marriage.
It can’t be a coincidence that gay marriage passes on the same day as National Beautician’s Day. It’s a conspiracy and I’m onto them!
Lightning to the right of me, gusting to the left, here I am, stuck in the middle with duds… stuck in the middle with duds. #MotherNatureHatesMe
The biggest promoters of the confederate flag are often the ones to label people as “unamerican,” and yet they do the most unamerican thing possible: fly a flag that represents treason against the United States of America.
If conservatives spent 1/2 the energy on “shall not bear false witness” as they do on “no gay penis,” the GOP and FOX would cease to exist.
When one of your Sales reps finds out you were in the Navy as well and the five-minute checkup call on a facility becomes a two-hour Navy style bitch session. Because a bitchin’ sailor is a happy sailor!
Those two are so stupid, they’re derpendicular.
I think my girlfriend has a ningina, because I never see it coming.
They’re selling an empty record for that much!
Earlier today a wind gust almost knocked me over. My anemometer said 18mph. Clearly my anemometer is broke.
Messing with my neighbors. MAC address restrictions on, too! Are the drug dealers across the street sweating it?
Well, I suppose this means I need to throw The Dark Lorda housewarming party! Who’s in?!?!?!?
I’m not a fan of hippies, but fake pretentious hippies are the worst. I’m surrounded by them. They should perish from the earth.
The lavender smell too strong for you? Poor thing. At least I didn’t complain about your patchouli smelling body odor dripping stench. Jerk!
140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS:
Today really sucks for test tube babies. #MothersDay
The only reason your mother should be at Chinese Buffet today is if she specifically said she wanted you to bring her. #MothersDayFail
Today is Confederate Memorial Day, coincidentally celebrated by the three most uneducated states in the UNION. #WrongSideOfHistoryAgain
Officer just pulled me over for 60 in a 45. Asked me about the weather and then told me to slow it down. #WhitePrivilege #ChaserProblems
How many levels in Dante’s Inferno? Doesn’t matter, they’re all right here around me. Lol #HippieHeadquarters #SomeoneSaveMe
I love solving games or puzzles on the last move or last second. It makes me feel like James Bond diffusing a bomb. #LivingVicariously
I bet the Block feature on Facebook got a workout today! #GayMarriage
I’m pretty sure that sign reads “Help Me.”
WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!!!!!!!
Gun safety? Never heard of it. t’s like a mouse, just point an click, right?
They see me rollin.’ They hatin.’ Patrolling they tryin’ to catch me ridin’ purty!
Hey! Who ordered delivery?
The little man in the canoe has no idea where the hurricane force winds are coming from.
BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 2/28 – 3/6: During this week, my girlfriend Suzie and I celebrated our one year anniversary of our very first date. So what do you do on your one year dateiversary? Well, you duplicate your first date! We started off at the Savory Spice Shop in Franklin, TN and then moved on to Famous Dave’s BBQ and ended up at Frugal McDoogal’s in Nashville. And of course… we went Dutch! On the way back home we had a late stop at WalMart. Suzie went into the store and I took a 20-minute power nap in the parking lot. Why? Because it’s better to take a power nap eight miles from home than to fall asleep at the wheel and kill yourself or someone else one mile from home. *The More You KNOW!
The fiasco over gay marriage continues in Alabama. Alabama Supreme Court Chief Justice Roy Mooreon put out a missive to all the probate judges and most of them followed his missive and stopped issuing licenses to gay couples. For some reasons, these idiots who are supposed to fucking know the law, think that they’re somehow immune to contempt of court of lawsuits because our fucktarded Mooreon of a Chief Justice gave them an excuse to exercise their bigotry openly. Alabama will always move forward kicking and screaming and sometimes be forced to move forward at gunpoint. The problem is that Alabama is still not living in 2015… it’s stuck somewhere in 1975 or 1976 still. On the bright side, at least they’re not wearing disco suits.
Don’t forget to check out “Are You Winter Weather Ready?” A lot of the points work for Spring and Summer weather as well, but I’ll put up a new blog as the Spring weather gets closer.
Today’s North Alabama Vapers’ Mini-Con was a huge success. How do we know? Well, the Huntsville Fire Department showed up! #VapeOn
When Assassins’s Creed Black Flag goes wrong… Stuck and can’t save my crewman. Fast travel will fix it! #BlackFlag
Remember: they’re called forecasts and not predictions for a reason. Give your meteorologist a little slack.
I’m not sure if this is a compliment or not. And is this news that’s retarded or news for retards (and does that mean Republicans)?
Tons of bugs celebrated the 75 degrees here in Huntsville… hopefully they mated and will all die from the freeze and eggs won’t hatch.
Problem? What problem? I don’t have a problem! #VapeLife #VapeOn #ForeverVaping
I must admit I find myself disappointed that no right-wing nutters blamed the crazy Alabama weather on gay marriage being found legal here.
My super top secret magic weather bubble doesn’t seem to be functioning properly.
I don’t know if I should be angered or excited that PlayStation has PlayStation Plus for their overweight customers.
I just ate one-year aged hot New Mexican red chile. Hot really isn’t the right adjective now. Maybe volcanic?
When the water drains away… and the ice stays. #alwx #HSV
NORTH ALABAMA: ARE YOU WINTER WEATHER READY? And what exactly does that mean?
This Wednesday night (3/4) and Thursday morning (3/5), Alabama is expecting severe winter weather that the NWS originally had labeled “disastrous.” I am not sure I entirely agreed with the adjective “disastrous,” but it wass definitely going to suck. All models agreed that Alabama was getting it, but they disagreed on the time Alabama was going to be hit by it.
So are you ready for what comes with it? Because you really don’t need bread and milk.
North Alabama was originally expecting 1/2″ to 3/4″ of ice accumulation with single-digit temps followed by snowfall, but models are now showing 1/4″ ice accumulations with low to mid-teen temps. That much ice accumulation puts tree limbs and power lines in jeopardy of coming down, which means you could lose power: even lose it for several days if crews cannot get out right away. Your milk isn’t going to do you any good in a fridge without power (or outside where it will freeze solid).
So what do you need?
Make sure you have non-perishable food items.
Make sure your car’s gas tank is full in case power is out for an extended period and gas stations are shut down. It will not hurt to fill your gas cans, either. If you do not use them, then that is one less thing you have to do in a month when it is time to mow your lawn the first time.
Make sure you have an alternative way to cook food if you have an electric stove in your house and you lose electricity. A camp stove or grill are great ways to cook when the power’s out. If you have a charcoal grill, make sure you have a few bags of charcoal ready to go. If you have a propane grill, make sure your tank is at least 1/2 full. If you have a camp stove, make sure you have enough mini-propane tanks.
Make sure you have bottled water. Freezing pipes is a big possibility, and thanks to single-digit temps, not just the ones inside your house, but the larger one coming to your house from the street may freeze as well, cutting water off to your house completely. Make sure your bottled water is not in your garage: bottled water is no good to you if it is frozen solid.
Make sure all your electronics are fully charged. Make sure you have a supply of batteries ready to go for battery-operated electronics, flashlights, LED Lights, etc. If you lose power, only use your phone for emergencies to conserve battery life. Make sure you turn off your WiFi on your phone so it does not waste battery searching for a WiFi signal. If cell service goes down, put your phone on airplane mode to conserve battery and check every few hours to see if cell signal is back. If you have an inverter for your car, that is great, but remember to start your engine and run it for a few minutes while you are using the inverter. Inverters can drain batteries quickly, especially older batteries or batteries that have been jump-started before. Keep in mind that using the inverter, and thus running the engine, is using your gas, so be mindful of how much you use it.
Keep flashlights or lanterns nearby and ready to go. Make sure you have lighters/matches to light any candles or kerosene/propane lanterns you have. Make sure lighters and matches are in an easy-to-find place so you are not digging for them in the dark.
You should already have a NOAA Weather Radio. If you don not have one, do yourself and your family a favor and spend the extra money next payday to buy one. The NOAA Weather Radio is an invaluable asset, especially if you cannot hear tornado sirens where you live, sirens do not wake you up when you are sleeping, or the power goes out so you cannot get Internet or TV news. The NOAA Weather Radio can SAVE YOUR LIFE!
Make sure any prescription medication is easily accessible so you are not fumbling in the dark trying to find your pills. If you are running low on one and it is ready for a refill, take care of that now: not the day the storm is supposed to be on top of you.
Your house should already have a first-aid kit and fire extinguisher in it. Make sure everyone knows where those are at and they are easily accessible in the dark.
Make sure you have a heat source in case you lose power: wood or Chemlogs for the fireplace (please make sure your chimney vent is open before lighting a fire), extra blankets, etc. If the power goes out, you can cover windows with blankets or sheets to help keep cold air at bay and keep the inside of the house warmer just a little bit longer. Close off unused rooms to keep the heat from moving into the rooms (and their cold air from moving into the used rooms). Place towels, rags, pillow cases, etc. along the bottom of doors or windows with bad weather stripping to keep the cold air out and the warmer air inside. Dress in layers.
Don’t forget about your pets. Your pets need to come inside. It doesn’t matter if your pet is outside the rest of the year – your pet cannot handle single-digit temperatures and their food and water will freeze. Bring your pets inside and make sure they have plenty of food and water. Don’t forget to take into account your pets when getting bottled water.
Talk to everyone in your household about safety and evacuation plans. Where is the safe places to hunker down within your house to ride out a storm? Where is a safe place to meet if you are separated during a storm event, evacuation, etc? Have a practice drill now and then (at least twice a year) to make sure everyone is familiar with the plan and can execute it properly.
Have a “bug-out bag” ready to go. This doesn’t mean you need a prepper bag full of seeds and ammunition. It means you need the basics ready to go in case something happens (like a tree falling on your house, or a lightning strike causing a house fire). Underwear, change of clothes, toiletries, baby diapers, etc. One thing people often forget is important paperwork. Scan your important documents and put them on a small flash drive (or CD-R) that can go in your bag (marriage license/certificate, mortgage, insurance paperwork (auto,car & life), birth certificates, etc). This should be in your room where you can grab it quickly as you escape your house. Your bag should also contain some cash because an extended power outage means no credit card readers are going to be working.
Make sure your ICE (In Case of Emergency) contacts are updated in your phone.
Stay calm. Don’t panic. Panic leads to bad decision making. Be aware of your surroundings. Stay safe and stay warm.
BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 2/21 – 2/27: I guess all that panic was worth it since Snowmageddon actually happened here in Alabama. Average snowfall for my area was 7.75″ with some places reporting over 9″. In my backyard we got 7.67″ (based on the average of five measurements on a large flat non-grass & non-concrete surface). That’s a lot of snow for Alabama. Our personal record at our house was 11.96″ back in 2011. The record for Huntsville was set in the 60’s at 17.1″. Craziness!!!! I’ll put up a blog entry for my storm chasing that day. And now we’ll likely get some more ice and snow this coming Wednesday and Thursday. Well, I guess we had it coming since we started issuing gay marriage licenses. <evil grin>
This week brought me a ray of happiness and sunshine as Jimmy did this on his show. One of the things that pisses me off the most is anti-vaxxers who espouse their ignorance every day and cause more and more people to fall for their claptrap, thus reducing herd immunity and bringing back diseases we had practically eliminated thanks to vaccines. So to see this on a mainstream show put a giant grin on my face. Way to go Jimmy!!!!
Then I found this gem. I don’t know how I missed this back in 2008, but I’m happy I found it today.
This storm is taking forever to get here. From 0300 to 0900 and now extended again. If it sits over us as long as it sat over Texas, we could see inches on the higher side of the “possible.” Or it’ll just fucking rain.
C’mon… you can do it! C’mon! C’mon! C’mon! My laughter will be covering up tears if it just frickin’ rains here.
If you work out of the home, a “snow day” don’t mean a damn thing. Enjoy your day off assholes! ;)
A lot of people are talking about their sexual exploits from last night on social media. We don’t care how many inches you got last night!
“I’ve noticed that about your people, Doctor. You find it easier to understand the death of one than the death of a million.” #RIPSpock
140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS:
Momma said knock you out, Rick gonna knock you out! #TWD #TheWalkingDead #deadbuzz
Wait… now I’m confused, is the ISIS Flag black and white or gold and blue? #TheDress
Look at these gold-colored starving children! #TheDress
Playing Chicken With Doing Dishes #RoommatesIn5Words @midnight
Oh, rents due? My bad. #RoommatesIn5Words @midnight
What is that fucking smell? #RoommatesIn5Words @midnight
That’s the appropriate level of security for those toys.
Oh look, the bathroom comes with an atheist baby changing station! (Mmm… BBQ baby!)
It’s cool ’til a drunk person stumbles and impales themselves. Of course, if it’s a good party, no one will notice.