Police Pursuits: Police, Suspects, and Bystanders

This is going to be a long one, but I feel it’s important enough to go into detail.

I watch a lot of police chase videos. I don’t mean the cheesy news helicopter ones we see on those dumb “Scariest Police Chases” shows that are common in California. I watch the raw video from the police officer’s dashcam and bodycam. This perspective lets you truly see how harrowing and crazy some chases actually get, and often times why officers make the decisions they do.

I started watching these years ago after YouTube recommended them. I watch a lot of dashcam footage, so I guess YouTube thought they were related. I honestly think everyone should watch dashcam compilations as they help you notice predictive behavior that often indicates an idiot is about to do idiot things and put your life at risk. I know I’m a much better defensive driver because of all the dashcam videos I watch and continue to watch on a daily basis. That idiot behavior extended naturally into the dashcams from police chases.

It should be noted that I have been involved in two high speed chases while serving in my capacity as a security officer in the Navy while stationed in Jacksonville. One on base and one off base. I went through EVOC (Emergency Vehicle Operator Course) and Advanced EVOC. In addition I took an offensive driving course in Italy that was designed for bodyguards. I took it because I was bored. Offensive driving has saved my hide a few times. I believe that knowing how to be defensive and offensive can help make a better driver. But I digress…

So after watching these chases for years now, here are my observations about the police, suspects, and drivers caught up in chases.


There is an effect known as “contempt of cop” or “occupational arrogance.” I am personally convinced there is something psychological going on, as I have seen this behavior in leadership and authority not related to policing or governance. The person becomes irate that someone is not listening to them, obeying their commands, or questioning their authority. It leads to abusive behavior: mentally and physically. The longer they have to chase you, the worse it can get. Throw adrenaline on top of it and things can escalate quickly.

There is some good news here, though. Police are aware of this effect. While it’s been known since at least the 60’s (when “contempt of cop” was first used), it was the Rodney King beating that got police leadership to notice it. However, it took a couple of decades for police to really start educating officers about it and teaching techniques to overcome it. There are absolutely still instances of it, but I think the training and education has helped reduce the incidents, especially after chases.

It becomes obvious watching police chases that “contempt of cop” is more prevalent during the chase than after the chase. Police taking unnecessary risks, getting angry, etc. while the chase is happening. This is why the majority of police departments have chase thresholds to stop chases when they get too out of hand in relation to the offense of the suspect. For example, the threshold for a stolen car is lower than the threshold for a murder suspect. Police officers usually have to relay road, weather, and traffic conditions, as well as speeds when initiating a pursuit, and keep updating traffic and speed conditions as it continues.

After a pursuit is announced, leadership will ask for the reason. The reason lets them know where the threshold should be and then they monitor variables. Officers report in location, direction, traffic, and speed of the suspect. If traffic gets too heavy and bystanders are at too great of a risk or they feel the officers involved are too engaged and losing focus, leadership can halt the pursuit. It’s common for officers to have the authority to stop a pursuit from their end as well if they feel it’s endangering the public too much.

Some areas will pull officers back to a safe following distance and turn their lights and sirens off to take pressure off the suspect so they stop driving so erratically. They let a police helicopter keep an eye on the suspect and pull the officers back in when it’s safe to do so. The eyes in the sky lead the officers to the suspect. Where you see chases less likely to a stop is when they are chasing suspects related to violent crime: murder, armed robbery, carjacking, kidnapping, etc.

In a significant number of areas, police are using methods to stop chases more safely. The use of stop sticks is more common and grapplers are becoming more accessible. While some departments have stopped using the PIT (Precision Immobilization Technique)/TVI (Tactical Vehicle Intervention) due to them being unsafe, many departments still allow them, or allow them only under certain circumstances. While in most cases the PIT/TVI just spin the vehicle around and allow officers to box the suspect in, they sometimes result in crashes, including rollovers. Suspects and their passengers have been injured and fatalities have happened. I’m not sure eliminating the PIT/TVI is the answer, but putting restraints on it, such as maximum safe speed, road conditions, roadside hazards (ditches, trees, fences), and if passengers are involved, should all be taken into consideration before performing a PIT/TVI.

I do not support the “no chasing” approach that some people want. I think it’s important to apprehend people who are a threat to society. However, I do believe that if the license plate is visible and it’s not a stolen car, then arrest should happen at the suspect’s residence later instead of chasing them down in a pursuit. I believe more discretion is needed on when to initiate and stop a pursuit to better ensure public safety, and that has to be weighed against the threat to public safety the suspect presents. I don’t think there is a one answer fits all solution here, but common sense and tactical awareness go a long way in determining if pursuit is warranted or not.

One of the more common things you hear from police during pursuits is them getting irritated at other cars on the road. It’s commonplace to hear an officer yell, “Get the f**k out of the way!” to a car that is not pulling over or is braking. There are a few issues there, and I’ll cover them in the drivers’ section.


The funniest thing I have noticed about suspects in police chases is how many of them still use their turn signals when they change lanes and make turns. Even as they’re blowing through stop signs and red lights and going 100 MPH, they still use their turn signals. The police are very appreciative of this behavior.

There are four trends in chases that concern me.

The first is the Dodge Challenger, which is disproportionately involved in police chases and successful evasions. Is there a Challenger Challenge on social media that I’m not aware of to bait police into a pursuit to see if you can get away? The Challenger can easily reach speeds up to and over 150 MPH. They are so common that the Arkansas State Police now deploy units capable of 150 MPH (other vehicles are regulated at 130 MPH). The specialized units were created solely to chase Challengers and similarly fast vehicles. This kind of tit for tat escalation should be concerning for all motorists and citizens. I am specifically concerned because I worry this is an escalation solely because of the “contempt of cop” discussed above instead of just not chasing them and getting their plate info and arresting them later at their house.

The second is the complete disregard for the lives of others, often over something as silly as an expired license, where the suspect could have just taken a ticket and been on their way. There have always been scary chases, but they were rare: rare enough that TV stations could do a “Scariest Police Chases” show only once a year. Now? Now they could do one once a week. I have no answer as to why things have escalated so much. Suspects blow through stop signs and red lights at excessive speed and with complete disregard to their own lives and the lives of other motorists. It’s not uncommon now to see suspects aware of police tactics and aggressively counter them.

The third is this idea that a suspect knows the law better than the officer. That may or may not be the case, but the officer is not a judge. If you disagree with the officer, go to court. Arguing with them about “your rights” and “they have no authority” or “I want a supervisor,” really makes suspects look like fools on video who watched too many armchair lawyer videos on YouTube. Sure, you can ask for a supervisor, but there is zero obligation to get you one. Then suspects are angry that no supervisor showed up or when the supervisor arrives and agrees with the officer. Are you going to ask for the supervisor’s supervisor now? This idea that you know the law better leads to a lot of pursuits as the suspect refuses to work with the officer and speeds off. Just hand the officer your license, take the ticket, and go to court if you disagree. That’s what the courts are for. I’ve gotten out of several tickets I disagreed with by going to court. I’ve never gotten out of a ticket by arguing with the officer on the side of the road.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying not to mention key phrases needed to protect your rights, such as “I don’t consent to searches” or “I don’t answer questions.” What I am saying is arguing with the police over this stuff makes you look like an idiot. Say the phrases. Hand over your license. Sign the ticket. Go to court to get it dismissed. The advice to “don’t answer questions” is 100% legit. Police ask questions about where you’re coming from, why you were there, etc. to check for certain behaviors that alert them to nervousness. Given how much people are scared of police nowadays, nervousness is natural, and should not be an alert to the officer, so just keep your mouth shut and don’t answer questions without a lawyer present. This may seem silly, but saying something like, “80 in a 65? That’s not right, I was only doing 75!” just admitted you were speeding and it’s on their bodycam, which means you’re not getting that ticket dismissed in court.

The fourth trend is the new nervousness and fear of police that I mentioned just above. This has led to police chases as the suspect gets scared and runs instead of pulling over. It has led to people refusing to pull over right away and driving miles to where they think they’ll be safe or where there are family or other witnesses. The problem with doing so is that you are now engaged in “felony fleeing and eluding.” I understand why people are afraid, especially people of color. As a white male who has never feared for his life during a police encounter (even when pulled over by four officers in a small Alabama town), I cannot relate to the fear people of color have when getting pulled over. I cannot imagine what must be going through their mind as those lights turn on. I can only offer this advice: running increases the danger. Running adds “contempt of cop” to your encounter, increasing the danger. Running adds guns being drawn on you as soon as you finally stop or are stopped, increasing the danger. Increasing the danger and likelihood of a bad encounter seems counterproductive if you’re afraid of a police enounter.

I’m actually amazed at how many suspects successfully elude a police pursuit. If they are willing to be absolutely reckless and have a fast enough car they can get away. The police have to at least slow down a bit at stop signs and red lights and the suspect does not (if they’re willing to risk their lives doing so). This leads to the police falling behind. Once they are behind enough, the suspect can turn off the road and hide or continue fleeing in a direction the officers are not aware of. It’s not uncommon to hear officers gripe about stop signs and red lights in their dashcam videos. I think sometimes they would prefer to be able to blow through them as well, and sometimes they do: especially if they have a partner in the car who can yell out “clear” as they approach an intersection.


One thing is absolutely certain watching all the police chase dashcams: too many drivers are not paying attention to their rear-view mirrors as they drive. We were taught in Driver’s Ed to constantly scan our rear-view and side mirrors in addition to the windshield view. It’s clear drivers aren’t really doing that now. Are they no longer teaching this? Have we become too reliant on blind spot warning systems that we don’t pay attention to our mirrors anymore? You should not be surprised when an officer is behind you with their lights and sirens on and you’re blocking the route. You should have seen that pursuit coming behind you already and been ready for it. But you weren’t watching your rear-view mirrors.

Keeping an eye on the rear-view mirror is even more important today than it ever has been because cars are way quieter on the inside than they used to be. Inside older cars you could hear sirens a long way off, but in modern cars you sometimes can’t hear them until they’re right on top of you. I don’t know why manufacturers thought this was the safe way to go, because it is definitely not safe. It doesn’t matter if motorists want quieter vehicles if it creates unsafe conditions where they can’t hear emergency vehicle sirens, motorcycles, approaching trains, etc.

On the complete opposite side of cars not knowing a chase is on them until they’re blocking the officer right behind them, is the drivers who panic and make the situation worse for everyone as they veer into another lane without looking or slam on their brakes.

So let’s cover what you SHOULD do if a pursuit is coming up behind you.

1. Stay predictable. Police are aware of the speed limit and what traffic is doing and they take that into account. Staying at your speed in your lane is actually the best approach to take, because it’s predictable and police can account for it. Don’t hit your brakes and slow down. If you can get out of the lane they are in safely, then do so, even if that means speeding up a bit to get ahead of the vehicle you were passing. Hitting your brakes or slamming on your brakes or aggressively or recklessly changing lanes complicates things for the pursuing officers and can cause a chain reaction that can lead to the suspect getting away or an accident. It’s okay to speed to get out of their way: they’re not concerned about you temporarily doing 15 over to get out of their way. If you were scanning your mirrors like you’re supposed to, you will have enough time to take action safely to either clear a lane or create a gap large enough for officers to get through from lane to lane without you having to change lanes.

2. Don’t panic. Stay focused on the traffic and road. On rural roads, pull over as much as you safely can. Remember, don’t brake quickly, just slow down and pull over as much as possible. If you have enough lead time, you can pull into a driveway or parking lot, but don’t do that if they’re too close, as you doing so could cause a safety issue for the pursuing officers and other vehicles. On divided highways and interstates, stay in your lane. Do not move to the shoulders, as suspects and officers will use them to get around you, so do not block them. What’s important is that there are gaps for the officers to get through, so speed up if you need to in order to create a gap. Only change lanes if you have enough lead time and it’s safe to do so (if the officer is immediately behind you, speed up to change lanes for them: do not brake!). Remember, predictability is taken into account by pursuing officers, and sudden braking or lane changes can put everyone at risk. On an interstate, if you’re near an exit when the pursuit is coming up on you, it’s better to not take it. Suspects and police use exit merge lanes to bypass traffic and suspects will often use them as a decoy to try to shake the pursuing officers. You don’t want to be there if that happens.

3. Be aware of your surroundings. Even if you have a green light at an intersection, it’s always advisable to look both ways before entering the intersection: at a minimum to watch for red light runners. Look for emergency vehicle lights coming your way and if you see them, don’t enter the intersection. Your sight is more important in quiet modern cars where you can’t hear the sirens until they’re really close. There are enough videos of drivers plowing into fire trucks, ambulances, and police. Don’t be the person who is in the next video of such an instance.

4. Don’t get involved. This rarely happens and even rarer still is when it actually helps instead of hinders or puts officers and the public in danger. There are times officers will ask truckers to create a rolling roadblock, but that is incredibly rare. They are coordinated with the officers and truckers who are in constant contact over CB and anyone not directly involved should not get in the way. In most instances where a civilian tries to help, it creates havoc and unsafe conditions for everyone involved. Stay out of it and let the police do their job. If you have a dashcam, then you can get involved the correct way: save the video and send it to police to help with their investigation and court case against the suspect.


Police chases are not going to end. No matter your view on whether they should happen in the first place, they are not going to stop. While the police do take some actions to protect the public during pursuits, honestly, you should rely more on yourself to protect yourself: stay predictable, don’t panic, don’t get involved, and be aware of your surroundings.

Police are constantly working on new methods and technologies to bring chases to a quick and safe end. The introduction of grapplers could be a game changer if the vehicles with grapplers attached can get to the pursuit. Not all police vehicles can get grapplers because of the weight they add. Grapplers will need to have their weight significantly reduced before they can be deployed on all police vehicles. The trials being done on electronic darts that disable vehicle computers are promising, but are not large scale deployable right now and don’t work on older model vehicles. The new spike strips that slowly let air out of tires instead of rapidly deflating them or blowing them out has significantly reduced post-strip accidents and helped bring pursuits to an end more quickly. Deploying any anti-pursuit tactics relies on timing, skill, and luck, and puts the officer deploying the tactic at risk. So it is a constant weighing of risks and variables by the pursuing officers.

Stay safe out there folks. And remember to scan those mirrors: they’re there for a reason.

Progressives: Save The Burning House

I’m a progressive because I value human rights and want our tax dollars to raise lives instead of battle flags (old and new). Like many other progressives I’m disappointed that Sanders and Warren didn’t make the cut. Unlike quite a few of my fellow progressives I also recognize a few things.

1. The United States is a moderate/centrist country. Us progressives are a vocal minority and so Biden beat Sanders. We can rail about how the DNC neutralized Sanders, but the reality is the overwhelming majority of Democrats (and Americans) are centrists and moderates and Biden won the nomination.

2. Progressives will NEVER get their candidate until we are no longer a minority. Until then we have to do what we’ve always done: push for change. We, as a movement, have made changes. Just look at how much has changed in the past couple of decades regarding LGBTQ rights, marijuana decriminalization & legalization, bringing trans issues to the forefront, fighting for immigration rights, the passing of the Affordable Care Act (as flawed as it was, it was a step toward the progressive healthcare), etc. Look at how many candidates have changed their minds or shifted left on issues because of our pushing. Even Obama and H. Clinton were iffy on gay marriage until progressives pushed and they changed their minds. Almost all progress attributed to liberals over the history of this country was because progressive members of the liberal side of America were pushing: not the centrists. So keep fighting. Keep pushing. Keep speaking out. Keep shouting for justice & equality and fair playing fields.

3. The United States is a house on fire (or a sinking ship, whatever metaphor you want to use). I realize that my progressive ideals are ways of home improvement and you can’t improve on a home when it’s on fire. You have to save the house first. Yes, medicaid for all will have to wait. College debt relief will have to wait. Other home improvement projects will have to wait. Right now we need to put out the fire. Then we can begin repairing the damage to the frame. When the fire is out and we are rebuilding the frame, we can push for improvements in the frame and in the rebuild, but we have to put the fire out first. Bush and Reagan and Nixon didn’t set the house on fire. They damaged it, for sure, but they recognized the intrinsic value of the frame itself. Trump does not and he will burn it to the ground if allowed to do so.

4. POC overwhelmingly voted for Biden because historically POC have voted pragmatically. POC as a voting block are majority centrist/moderate: not progressive. That may change in the future, but it’s the reality on the ground right now. If the people dealing with the systemic racism, police brutality, and unequal justice that I’m railing against are voting for Biden, then I need to listen to why.

I will vote for Biden/Harris because right now we need to save this house from burning to the ground. If Trump wins it could be the last free election held in this country. My progressive ideals also include saving Democracy, even if that means I have to put aside my wish list in order to make sure the basic needs of so many are met first.

I won’t have to hold my nose when I vote for Biden/Harris. I will pull that lever, punch that chad, or mark the tablet with my finger with empathy for those suffering in the burning house right now, knowing that putting out the fire is first priority. Getting rid of Trump so that we can put it out, begin repairing the damage, and once again go back to pushing for progressive ideals.

The Problem With Plastic Straw Bans

Okay, so plastic straw bans are suddenly all the rage and quite a few people are lashing out in favor and against. But here’s the problem I see with this…

The plastic straw ban is really just political ass-kissing to shut my fellow liberals up. It doesn’t do a damn thing to stop the problem because a lot of my fellow liberals think these tiny battles are actually meaningful.

Hell, the plastic sippy cup style lids that are being used to replace straws (like at Starbuck’s) use more plastic to make than the regular plastic lids and straws they previously used. The problem isn’t straws: the symptom is plastic and the problem is human behavior.

When we realized lead was killing children we banned lead paint. When we realized asbestos was causing cancer we banned it. We can’t just ban all plastics as kneejerk emotional bullshit legislative action. We need to look at the entire problem and come up with solutions based on science and reason and critical thinking. Ban plastic where it can be banned without affecting people in negative ways. Keep it where it needs be to be kept, but work on solutions to removing plastic even where it’s currently still needed. For example, we clearly need plastic IV bags in hospitals. However, we used to use glass bottles for IVs. Can we go back to glass IV bottles? Is there the will to do that? Is the will there to do that for so many other examples as well?

There are a lot of replacements to straws already in place, such as metal straws being used in homes (we use them in our house) and in places with permanent residents (retirement homes, etc). A few restaurants have started using pasta straws as a replacement. Yes, pasta. And some of us are old enough to remember when straws were made of paper (granted, they weren’t the best, but I’m sure some human ingenuity could improve upon those old-fashioned paper straws).

Why can’t we go back to paper cups at fast food places and coffee shops? Why is my iced chai latte in a plastic cup instead of a paper cup? Why not offer me the option of bringing in my own cup and charging me by the ounce? Why not bring paper bags back to grocery stores? We don’t need plastic bags at grocery stores: we just want them.

People whined about killing trees for paper. We see all these companies bragging about saving paper (a public relations move, not an actual environmental saving move), but that’s non-scientific. Ninety-one percent of all paper products come from self-sustaining tree farms and “second growth” forests (forests that were cut down for other uses before and are being “recycled” instead of cutting down old growth. ONly 9% of paper comes from tearing down old growth forests and that can easily be stopped. Killing off paper is silly, especially since it’s biodegradable (yes, I fully acknowledge the paper-making process has its own issues that need to be resolved: especially the waste it makes). We replaced paper towels with air blowers in bathrooms, but those are electric and use more electricity from coal-based electricity production. But everyone was happy we got rid of paper in bathrooms. It’s kneejerk nonsense that’s not scientifically or rationally based.

Photo via USA Today

The reality is that if every bit of plastic ended up in properly maintained landfills there would be zero issue with plastic (especially landfills that reclaim methane buildup for energy usage). But the problem is people not disposing of them properly so they end up in the waterways and oceans killing animals: like that whale that died with almost 80 plastic bags in its stomach: literally died from starvation because there was no room left in its stomach for actual food. Or the video of the turtle with the straw stuck in its nose that caused so much outrage over straws while a gazillion plastic bags and plastic water bottles (a much bigger problem than straws) and six-pack beer rings are floating around the oceans killing animals as well.

There are solutions for this entire thing and one of the biggest ones is to get rid of our disposable attitudes toward everything from electronics to plates and cups to utensils, etc. We need to start repairing things that break instead of just tossing out that monitor or TV or phone and actually get it repaired instead of putting it in the garbage. We need to stop buying plastic and Styrofoam plates and cups and utensils.

Austin, Texas banned plastic bags for good reason a long time ago and recently the State of Texas overturned plastic bang bans via the Texas Supreme Court. It now won’t be long before plastic bags liter Austin’s streets again, getting into the sewers, finding their ways to the streams and rivers and out into the Gulf of Mexico. The reality is humans are the real problem: plastic in the waterways and oceans is just a symptom of human stupidity.

So because humans are too stupid or lazy or just don’t care to properly dispose of their waste so that it ends up in properly managed landfills, we now have to take drastic kneejerk reaction legislative measures. Humans are the problem: plastic in the waterways and littering our cities is just a symptom of that problem.

So how do we fix the real problem of human behavior? We can’t (at least not in terms of decades – just look at how long it took for the anti-smoking behavior modification to make a dent and people still smoke cigarettes). We can’t fix human behavior like that. So we have to accommodate it and come up with viable solutions and alternatives so that if human morons throw their trash into the street it doesn’t kill animals in the ocean or kill off coral reefs. We need a scientific and fact-based approach to this and kneejerk bans of straws are neither scientific nor fact-based and just a band-aid placed on a sucking chest wound of humanity.

Dear Fellow Liberals: Let’s Talk About Comedy

Dear fellow liberals,

We need to talk about comedy and jokes. Right now a good percentage of you are giving Conservatives a hard time about their feelings being hurt over Michelle Wolf’s material at the White House Correspondence Dinner. You are calling them hypocrites for being upset at her “vulgarity” and “being offensive” when they have spent the entire Trump campaign and presidency being both of those. You are calling them out for putting up with Trump’s offensive comments and behavior while they are now throwing a fit over Michelle’s comments. They should be called out for letting Trump get away with his actual vulgar comments and behavior while getting upset at Michelle’s non-vulgar comments (her use of the word pussy was clearly a reference to Trump – she wasn’t using it in her own vulgar way).

Michelle Wolf at the WHCD. (Photo by Cheriss May via Getty Images)

Let’s be honest: most liberals are being hypocrites here as well. How many times last year alone did the so-called liberal “social justice warriors” rail against a comedian? How many times did you personally get offended by a comedian after hearing about the “public outrage” in your Facebook feed? How many times was there public backlash against a comedian who made a gay joke? Who made a joke you found racist? Who made a joke about fat people (or skinny people) and liberals hated that body shaming stuff? Who made a joke about transgendered persons? Who made a joke about his girlfriend that liberals found sexist?

Of course Conservatives are upset. They are upset for the exact same reason you get upset when a comedian makes fun of your pet issue: be that LGBQT, obesity, mental illness, sexism, body shaming, etc.

This is what I refer to as the “It’s all funny until they make fun of me or my pet issue Syndrome.” You will sit there and laugh at the fat jokes and the jokes about the special needs kid, but then the comedian made a joke about a gay person! How dare he! That’s my pet issue! Now I’m going to rant and rave and call this comedian out for being a homophobic asshole!

So here’s an idea: stop getting butthurt by comedy. You cannot laugh at all the jokes except the ones that make fun of your personal pet issue. Comedy, by its nature, is offensive. You can sit there and say, “Not all jokes are offensive,” but what you mean is, “Not all jokes are offensive to me.” Just because YOU didn’t get offended doesn’t mean the joke isn’t offensive to someone or some ideology or some mindset. So chill out and let comedians do their thing without getting upset because they made fun of your personal issue.

I can hear it already, “But those jokes are different!” No. They’re not. They are only different in your head because you need them to be different to justify your hurt feelings. Laugh or don’t laugh. Then move the fuck on with your life.

If you’ve ever been upset in the past by a comedian’s joke and are now defending Michelle Wolf against upset Conservatives, then you are just as much a hypocrite as they are.

BWAHAHA 7/18 – 11/20

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 7/18 – 11/20: Boy am I waaaaaaaaaay behind! A lot’s happened since my last BWAHAHA. I moved to Austin, TX. I eliminated stress in my life and made a lot of life changes in order to be happy before I die. This means I’ve added a few things to my bucket list. Prior to this, I had done everything on my bucket list. The only thing left to add was make-believe shit and crimes. But now that I’m like stress free and really happy with my life, there’s new shit I gotta try! Wish me luck!

What else? I got to see the Psychedelic Furs live! What an amazing show. It was also the first concert that Suzie and I have been to where we weren’t the oldest people there! Also got to finally see Mr. Kitty, who puts on one helluva an enthusiastic performance. He hugged me after the show, so scratch that one off my new happy bucket list!


  • Watching Doomsday Preppers for shits & giggles. Some stuff to learn, but really love how NatGeo calls ’em out on their BS on the screen.
  • In my back yard yelling at the bats, “Eat them fucking skeeters! Eat ’em!”
  • And then Date Night took a turn for the worse.

    And then Date Night took a turn for the worse.

  • Watching “An Honest Liar” with Suzie​ (doc about The Amazing Randi) and we saw me. That was really cool!
  • My car is in The Chive today! Check out #19 on “That’ll Buff Out.”
  • Ha! Fooled you USPS! My package of cocaine arrived from China! Just kidding USPS! No, seriously, just kidding.

    Ha! Fooled you USPS! My package of cocaine arrived from China! Just kidding USPS! No, seriously, just kidding.

  • Teaching Suzie​ to play Skyrim was an adventure. Watching her play… well, let’s just say my stamina and patience bars ran dry.
  • I can’t wait until Obama’s fifth term when he FINALLY takes everyone’s guns, makes abortions mandatory, and outlaws Christianity!
  • Upstairs bathroom has a line of thirty people. I go downstairs. Only one in the bathroom. #Sheeple
  • @StateFarm asked me, “What kind of cake will they serve at your retirement?”
    • I’m pretty sure it’ll be a funeral cake. #LifeGoals
  • If you’re a bad dancer, just go to a Charismatic Church to dance: no one will notice how bad you are. #Camouflage
  • Never forget 911! It saves lives. Operators are standing by!
  • The irony of 9/11 Truthers is that they’re not.
  • Amazing how passive aggressive yard sale shoppers are. It’s $.50. Just buy the damn thing. LOL
  • I can't tell if this $5 was the victim of a violent crime, strip club, or Bronies.

    I can’t tell if this $5 was the victim of a violent crime, strip club, or Bronies.

  • The problem with listening to Industrial Music is having to constantly turn the radio off. Is that weird sound on the CD or your car?
  • I made this to reflect my vision of America! WOOT!

    I made this to reflect my vision of America! WOOT!

  • All future Presidential debates should not just have a moderator, but a fact-checker, who instantly calls candidates out on lies & bullshit.
  • My typehoes have ingreased exponinshooly as the peace of glaz stuck in my indicks fingrrrr gets moar and moar infecktid.
  • I shall power wash my sidewalk in the rain. That way I won’t notice the power washer is soaking me.
  • Wait, Woolworth's still exists?

    Wait, Woolworth’s still exists?

  • Can we just let the apocalypse happen now and end the stupid?

    Can we just let the apocalypse happen now and end the stupid?

  • I find it amusing that the Alabama Beverage Control has recipes on its web page and price list for stores. #StateSupportOfAlcoholism
  • Woman in line has clearly Googled herself to “expert” on Alzheimers and Dementia. Problem is, she’s completely full of shit.
  • We’ve all encountered this idiot in parking lots. Don’t be this idiot.
  • I learned today that the Japanese have a term similar to the American “Butterface:” Bakku-shan (pretty behind but not front) #ShallowWorld
  • You’d think that almost 45 years on the planet I’d have this pancake flipping thing down. Nope. I eat pancake-like bites. #DoingitWrong
  • At the Chinese Buffet my Godzilla roar ring tone sounds. Table next to me loses it laughing so hard. Racists; Godzilla was Japanese!
  • Damn, I think I put too much alcohol in the praline milkshake… nope… no I didn’t. Any amount is just right. #PreDebateDrinking
  • Just saw someone spell chasin’ as chasen. Awww, isn’t Alabama education so cute!
  • Dear creators of The Flash… visitation phones in prisons are recorded. The DOC knows who The Flash is.
  • The news reporting that a 3.5 occurred in California is like the news reporting that it rained in the Rain Forest. #SlowNewsDay
  • Overheard at Kroger, “Remember spitting the seeds out? Now watermelon is seedless. That’s unnatural.” #TheStupidItHurts
  • That might have been the fakest polite customer service rep I’ve ever talked to.
  • 6'2 fat man sleeping in a 4' Budget rental truck. Oh happy, happy, joy, joy! Goodnight.

    6’2 fat man sleeping in a 4′ Budget rental truck. Oh happy, happy, joy, joy! Goodnight.

  • Hello Austin! I’m here. First up, Whataburger!
  • Having a Whataburger two miles from the apartment may become problematic. #FirstWorldProblems #Austin
  • Uh-oh, look what I found! One more reason to love #Austin!

    Uh-oh, look what I found! One more reason to love #Austin!

  • CVS Rep: What’s your birthday?, Me: 3/12/71, CVS Rep: 1971?, Me: Umm…..
  • Wanna impress your girl? Rent out the entire theater. Or go to a movie no one else wants to see.

    Wanna impress your girl? Rent out the entire theater. Or go to a movie no one else wants to see.

  • The beginning of The Last Witch Hunter is scenes from The Lord of the Rings. Then you see a massive Groot.
  • Staff, “Would you like a complimentary Miller Lite?”
    • Me, “No thanks.”
    • GF, “Why not?
    • Me, “Free isn’t always good.”
  • Next time you make a cappuccino at home, add a teaspoon of Swiss Miss hot chocolate to it. BAM! You’re welcome.
  • Who's the butthead who painted all the curb stops the same color as handicap parking?

    Who’s the butthead who painted all the curb stops the same color as handicap parking?

  • What on earth is that yippy little fucking dog barking at all day? Is it a illegal to slip valium into the neighbor’s dog’s food?
  • Finally! A Saint Candle I can fully endorse! Thanks to the Smoking Caterpillar on 6th St. #Austin #CharlesDarwin

    Finally! A Saint Candle I can fully endorse! Thanks to the Smoking Caterpillar on 6th St. #Austin #CharlesDarwin

  • The Internet is abuzz about aliens out west because the Internet is too stupid to use Google for 2 minutes to learn it’s just a rocket. SMH
  • Is there a point where Thea Queen dies so she’ll stop being such an annoying character? #Arrow
  • When in uniform and someone wished me a Happy Veteran’s Day, I’d respond, “It’s Veteran’s Day not Active Duty Day. Go thank a homeless vet.”
  • We do what we want. This is Texas. Gummit' can't tell me what to do no more!

    We do what we want. This is Texas. Gummit’ can’t tell me what to do no more!

    • Remember that time we refused to let the Irish in because of the chance one of them might be an IRA member? Fun times, right?
    • Remember that time the Colonies refused to allow any ships come in from England because one of the passengers might be a British spy? No?
    • Remember when we refused to allow refugees from Kosovo, Yugoslavia, and Macedonia in because one might be a bad person? Those were the days!
    • Remember that time we locked up all the Japanese citizens for fear of one being a spy? Oh wait… we actually did that shit. Never mind.
    • Remember all those Russian refugees and asylum seekers we denied entry because one might be a legit communist or Russian spy? No?
    • Remember all the dangerous Nazis we kept out, refusing to let them be part of the USA and we made sure they didn’t’ touch our space program?
    • Remember when we refused to pick up Vietnamese refugees at the embassy during the evacuation of Vietnam because one might be a commie?
    • Not allowing 10,000 refugees in as one might be a terrorist is like not having sex with 10,000 women as one might have an STD. #TerrorCondom


  • I think I’ll use my juicer to make a green juice of water hemlock, white snakeroot, and belladonna. #AllNatural #GreenLife #Organic
  • The problem with having sex with Irish women is you can’t tell if you had sex because of your pickup skills or a bit o’ luck.
  • The problem with having sex with American women is that they all think they’re #1 even though world travelers know otherwise.
  • The problem with having sex with Canadian women is that you have to carry an English condom and a French Tickler at all times.
  • The problem with having sex with Italian women is they like their noodles to be al dente.
  • The problem with having sex with Scottish women is many don’t think they’re strong enough to do the caber toss.
  • The problem with having sex with Greek women is they say they like plain yogurt, but they really don’t.
  • The problem with having sex with French women is they throw in the towel at the first pick up line.
  • The problem with having sex with Egyptian women is they try to get you in on their pyramid scheme.
  • The problem with having sex with Australian women is they make you nervous, but at least take you in and feed you breakfast.
  • The problem with having sex with South African women is they give preference to vanilla positions.
  • The problem with having sex with Icelandic women is is you think they’re Swedish Chef because all they talk about is, “Bjork, Bjork, Bjork.”
    • So far, this feels more like a Jerry Springer show than a debate. #GOPDebate #Awkward #UnleadedACan
    • So far, there is a roughly 25% rate of actually answering the question. Masters of political avoidance answers. #GOPDebate
    • Hawk! Hawk! Hawk! Hawk! Hawk! #RepublicanMatingCall #GOPDebate
    • Scott Walker was like, “Oh shit, they asked me about #BlackLivesMatter”. Lemme give a BS answer quickly. #GOPDebate
    • Every candidate was like, “Thank God they asked the black guy the race relations question!” #GOPDebate
    • I’m greatly disappointed that FOX News did not give every candidate a chance to out-Jesus the other candidates. #GOPDebate
    • For the next question, how long would you be willing to suck Ronald Reagan ‘ dick? #GOPDebate #Reaganophilia
    • They finally asked how long each candidate would suck Reagan’s dick! #GOPDebate #Reaganophilia
  • Just seen: open top Jeep, large Confederate flag on PVC, John Deere hat on driver, blaring country music. #StereotypesAreReal
  • I hate chasing girls. I’d rather they just come to me. #TropicalStormEricka
  • I see stores are already putting up Happy Halloween signs. The War on Samhain continues! #ThereIsNoWarOnHolidays
    • #FacebookDown is an inside job! #NeverForget928 #FacebookTruthers
    • “Don’t blame me for Facebook being down, I’m not in charge of that company!” – Carly Fiorina #FacebookDown
    • “We’ve heard about this #FacebookDown thing. Lots of people talking about it. We’re going to look into it. Build a wall.” – Donald Trump
    • “All those anti Kim Davis memes and gay pride profile pictures has led to #FacebookDown! Praise the White Jesus!” – Mike Huckabee
    • “Oh my bad, did I plan construction on the Facebook network today without notifying Facebook?” – Chris Christie #FacebookDown
    • “#FacebookDown is another piece of evidence pointing to why I’ll bomb Syria if elected.” – Lindsey Graham
    • “I’m not #FacebookDown. I’ve never been, I don’t associate with it, and I don’t approve of that lifestyle because of the Bible.” – Ted Cruz
    • “#FacebookDown is a complete coincidence to my personal email server being down at the same time.” – Hillary Clinton
    • Heard of that new horror movie, The Barber of Alexandria? #TWD #DeadBuzz #TalkingDead
    • At this pace there won’t be any original Alexandrians left for Rick’s to kill. #TWD #DeadBuzz #TalkingDead
    • I don’t think they have Herd Immunity. #TWD #DeadBuzz #TalkingDead #ScienceJoke
    • Darth Vader is watching #TWD and was like, “Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!” #DeadBuzz #TalkingDead
    • Zombies be like, “Mmm, Korean buffet!” #TWD #DeadBuzz #TalkingDead
    • When is Morgan going to do the Crane Kick during his Karate Kid training montage? #TWD #DeadBuzz #TalkingDead
    • Citizen Cane #InjureAFilm
    • Lawrence of Arabies #InjureAFilm
    • Star Warts #InjureAFilm
    • Apoxalypse Now #InjureAFilm
    • Ataxia Driver #InjureAFilm
    • The Sound of Bruises #InjureAFilm
    • S*M*A*S*H #InjureAFilm
    • Close Encounters of the Third Degree Burn #InjureAFilm
    • Forrest Gimp #InjureAFilm
    • Ben-Hurt #InjureAFilm
    • Dances With Lupus #InjureAFilm
    • A Place in the Sunburn #InjureAFilm
    • E.T. The Extra Terroristrial #InjureAFilm


  • Oh shit, the Condom broke! #ScaryStoryIn5Words @midnight
  • Are your parents having sex? #ScaryStoryIn5Words @midnight
  • Jar-Jar appears in Force Awakens #ScaryStoryIn5Words #StarWars @midnight


  • Always be aware of your surroundings.

    Always be aware of your surroundings.

  • 20150724a
  • This might very well be the loneliest picture I've ever seen.

    This might very well be the loneliest picture I’ve ever seen.

  • "Hey, y'all gonna still cut my hair, or what?"

    “Hey, y’all gonna still cut my hair, or what?”

  • There's Sea Doo... then there's Sea Don't.

    There’s Sea Doo… then there’s Sea Don’t.

  • Meanwhile in South Carolina...

    Meanwhile in South Carolina…

  • When you run out of communion wafers and realize Cheetos are a great substitute for transubstantiation.

    When you run out of communion wafers and realize Cheetos are a great substitute for transubstantiation.

  • "We count only blue cars. Skip the cracks in the street and ask many questions, like children often do."

    “We count only blue cars. Skip the cracks in the street and ask many questions, like children often do.”

  • Can we just start the apocalypse today and end the epidemic of human stupidity?

    Can we just start the apocalypse today and end the epidemic of human stupidity?

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