BWAHAHA: 9/21 – 9/27

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 9/21 – 9/27: I was distracted by Grand Theft Auto V this week. And if all the GTA5 posts are being monitored by the NSA, then they were equally distracted by it.

9/21

Just killed a bunch of Marines and blew up a barracks: then stole a helicopter. Process that one #NSA! #GTA5

“Gangsta by night, parachuting pussy by day.” #GTA5 – that was a funny line.

9/23

Oh, look… someone called someone a name on a blog. How original.

9/24

#SenatorCruz may be on “cruz control,” but right toward a cliff. More like a “cruz missile” with all the damage he’s doing.

Iran’s extended hand reminds me of the grizzly bear that smiled and asked, “Want to come to my place for dinner?”

9/25

I’m glad #SenatorCruz read Green Eggs & Ham, because if there’s one thing Socialist Muslim Kenyans hate, is fucking Dr. Seuss.

I replay the Rampage: Hipster Killing Spree time and time again. #GTA5

9/26

I wish there was a way to slap people through the TV. I get headaches listening to Republitards on the news.

I’m beginning to think #GTA5 takes place in Alabama.

GTA5 Alabama

Not as far to drive for that beach vacation. #BenefitsOfGlobalWarming

Going on my Fall camping trip in December. #BenefitsOfGlobalWarming

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BWAHAHA: 9/14 – 9/20

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 9/14 – 9/20:

9/14

DragonCon helped me realize I wasn’t a racist: I wanted to have sex with every female alien species I ran into.

Lot of hippies at Flying Monkey tonight. The tiny conservative in me was uncomfortable, yet slightly turned on.

Imagine how rich we’d be if we got paid to deal with drama.

May have to prostitute myself out to get the Blu-Ray Unrated Cut of WWZ next week.

9/15

Coca-Cola weight loss commercials. /facepalm

I fully expect a flood of points in the Bronco’s game.

Yeah, the Broncos need to get their head out from under the water.

 It’s like the Broncos are just dog-paddling with the current, hoping to grab a tree until a rescue comes along.

9/16

I love it when people ask us to pray after a tragedy, when their god already made it clear he don’t give a shit.

Why are people upset that #MissAmerica is an Indian-American? It’s more controversial that NY women won two years in a row! #StopNYMonopoly

Dear reporter, saying, “I’m going to ask my cameraman to shoot down this sidewalk,” sounds weird when covering a mass shooting.

9/18

With everyone talking about hookers, drugs, gangsters, etc. with #GTA5, I bet the NSA is going fucking nuts.

9/19

How come Facebook lets me “poke” but not “punch?”

9/20

@RckBeyondBelief pointed out that “Foxhole Atheists” doesn’t really apply to Navy and asked what atheists in the Navy should be called. My replies: Godless Semen, Godless of the Seven Seas, and Fleet Atheists.

BWAHAHA: 9/7 – 9/13

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 9/7 – 9/13: I had the honor of performing at the Homegrown Comedy Show in Huntsville, Alabama on 9/13.

9/8

Axe Body Spray says women are getting hotter: #OtherThingsCausedByClimateChange

Increased instances of Jock Itch and Athlete’s Foot: #OtherThingsCausedByClimateChange

My new zombiepocalypse rule: if you lack common sense, you’re off the team. Might use you as zombie bait.

9/10

This program contains footage of humans engaged in human behavior: viewer discretion is advised.

Finally posted the article I kept threatening to write: What I Learned At DragonCon

9/11

I feel like there’s something I’m supposed to be remembering today. Is today the anniversary of the Alamo?

With all the chatter on Twitter, I thought that maybe they were allowing up to 911 characters. Oh well.

Email from dating site: “goodpussy6969 wants to chat!” Wow, someone’s been taking classes in marketing skills!

Let’s stand our ground against iPads and smash them on the sidewalk! #GeorgeZimmerman

After the divorce #GerogeZimmerman will be standing on only half his ground.

9/12

No Snooki, that burning sensation between your legs is not your STD, the Jersey Shore is on fire.

Did the Stranger on the Shore pull The Drifters out from Under the Boardwalk that’s on fire?

Jersey residents are like, “Fire, what fire?”

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You know that part of the boardwalk that wasn’t damaged by Sandy? Yeah, fuck that part!

Fire doesn’t care about your No Trespassing sign.

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Putin, “…we must not forget that God created us equal.” Unless you’re LGBT, then Siberian prison for you!

How did I not know about Derek with Ricky Gervais? Bloody brilliant! But fuck him for causing tears in my eyes.

@rickygervais – finally watched #Derek. Thank you for making me laugh and then ripping my heart out of my chest with episode 7. #Kleenex

Correlation is not causation… unless you cut yourself correlating papers.

9/13

See what happens when you pray to end the Colorado fires? God just sends a flood instead.

The biggest drawback to Boulder flooding is how painful those boulders are.

I love it when anti-government Republican governors praise FEMA, White House, National Guard, etc during disasters.

Apparently a frog was trying to get a LADEE to kiss it so he could turn back into a prince. The LADEE rejected his advances.

Launch of the LADEE, frog jumps off launch pad. Must have thought it was a Lily Pad.

Launch of the LADEE, frog jumps off launch pad. Must have thought it was a Lily Pad.

Triskaidekaphobia: you do realize that the 14th floor of the hotel is actually the 13th floor, right?

Sad as the destruction is, you gotta admit that such a large fire being started by an ice cream store is ironically giggleific.

What I Learned At DragonCon

Thanks to the amazing generosity of some of my friends, I was able to attend DragonCon 2013. Financially speaking, DragonCon was always out of my reach, but my friends made it happen for me and I will forever be grateful to them.

So now that we’ve got that sad sappy shit out of the way…

On the road to DragonCon! Photo by Will Thompson.

On the road to DragonCon! Photo by Will Thompson.

The first thing I learned at DragonCon was that pre-registration is not worth the money saved getting your tickets early. My tickets were Will Call and I walked right up to the desk. There was no one in line in front of me. Sure, the ticket was $150 compared to $60 (prices go up throughout the year as you get closer), but I didn’t have to stand in line for two hours in the hot sun and then sweaty and ass-smelling line inside the Sheraton.

The second thing I learned at DragonCon is that my fat disabled ass can’t handle DragonCon. Within a few hours I had to go to CVS and buy a cane. And even then I had to sit down more than I wanted. I couldn’t stand in the lines because it was too much pressure on my back and legs. For those that don’t know, I was medically discharged from the Navy after a nasty wreck that caused damage to my legs and back, ultimately resulting in emergency back surgery and permanent nerve damage. Wait… I thought we got all the sad sappy shit out of the way?

Someone recommended that I get a handicap sticker for my badge, but DragonCon makes you go all the way to the fucking Sheraton to do that. So you make all your disabled participants walk all the way to the farthest hotel that is also isolated from the skywalks? Why can’t I get that at any DragonCon information desk? UGH! So fuck it, I wasn’t walking back over there.

By the middle of the second day I realized that if I didn’t want to be miserable and miss out on everything that I had no choice but to walk my ass back to the Sheraton and get the wheelchair sticker on my badge. Up until this point I hadn’t done a damn thing except people watch and sit on benches being miserable. So I walked my fat broken ass over to the Sheraton in the hot sun.

Ready to Roll!

Ready to Roll!

If I had only known that the wheelchair sticker was like Harry Potter’s Luck Potion, I would have done it right away! That little sticker changed my entire experience at DragonCon and put me in the right place at the right time to meet some amazing people. If it wasn’t for me sitting in the handicapped seats while waiting to see Professor Elemental, I would have never met William Shatner. Having to take the elevator instead of the stairs had me talking to Jamie Hyneman for almost 15 minutes waiting for a fucked up elevator. We chatted it up for almost fifteen minutes until an elevator finally got down to us.

The third thing I learned at DragonCon is that it’s too fucking hot to be in costume. I had three costumes ready to go: Gary Wallace (Weird Science), Captain Morgan, and a Sorcerer Troll. At the end of the first night I was thankful that I had packed shorts and t-shirts. By the middle of the second day I had decided I wasn’t wearing costumes except at night. By that night I had decided I wasn’t wearing a costume no matter what. It was so hot that I even stopped carrying my backpack and just got water where I could. Speaking of water, to whoever found my awesome water tote at my seat after the George Takei talk, you’re welcome.

The best part of DragonCon for me was being able to enjoy a Con as an attendee and not a speaker, organizer, or emcee. It was great just going around and doing what I wanted without a care in the world. It was great being able to walk from point A to point B without people stopping me to ask questions, take pictures, etc. That’s one more reason not to wear an awesome costume. I was recognized a couple of times, but no one made an ass out of themselves. That’s why I never went fan boy on anyone I ran into or met. I pretended to not know who people were so they would feel more comfortable. Running into Wharf, Data, and Counselor Troy just got a nod of my head and a, “Hey, what’s up?” from me. In other words, my penis stayed in my pants the entire weekend.

Here are some other things I learned at DragonCon:

When you see an amazing ass in front of you, there’s a 50% chance that it belongs to a dude.

I have a new-found appreciation for the mixing of genres.

If you’re not going to go all-out on your costume, please spare us your half-assed attempt.

Never pre-judge a costume until you get close enough. We saw a horrible Harley Quinn and were laughing at it until the group got closer and we realized they were all super villains in their pajamas. It was fucking brilliant. We also saw a Thor with a plaid flannel cape on that we laughed at until he got closer and we realized he and his partner were dressed as Redneck Thor and Loki (funny and brilliant).

Sometimes you can’t tell the difference between a nerd and someone with Down’s Syndrome.

99.99% of attendees didn’t notice my cane and I almost got knocked over a few times. It’s okay, people are self-absorbed and that’s human nature.

You would think that in a crowd of 60,000+ attendees that you’d never run into someone you know. You’d be wrong.

Half the time at DragonCon is spent trying to figure out what you’re going to do next.

There are more nerds and geeks that smoke than I ever imagined. Maintaining the E-Cig battery was impossible, so I had to go analog that weekend.

Cameras are overrated: use your brain to store those memories.

There is entirely too much Dr. Who at DragonCon. Fuck Dr. Who.

Steampunk is cool, but it’s not punk.

The free food is horribly delicious, because free is always delicious.

There were a ton of beautiful women dancing by themselves at the concerts and dances: and a bunch of nerds lined up against the wall. Apparently DragonCon is a cosplay of the movie Sixteen Candles.

DragonCon helped me realize I wasn’t a racist: I wanted to have sex with every female alien species I ran into.

BWAHAHA: 8/31 – 9/6

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 8/31 – 9/6: I spent the weekend at DragonCon. I really need to write a “what I learned at DragonCon” article, but I’ll probably be too lazy to fucking do it. Don’t forget that I’ll be performing 9/13 at the Homegrown Comedy Show taking place at the Flying Monkey Arts Center in Huntsville, Alabama. The show starts at 8 PM and is only $7 at the door. Oh yeah, and you can bring your own booze!

9/1

Professor Elemental is one of the nicest Brits I’ve ever met. ;)

9/2

Half of Dragoncon is spent on, “Let’s talk about what we’re gonna do.”

The sharks did the best acting in Sharknado.

Best part of Sharknado was changing the channel to the James Franco roast.

9/3

Just dawned on me that one way to end childhood cancer is to stop having children.

My doctor just diagnosed me with ovarian cancer. Either I need a new doctor or he’s suggesting I need to dump my girlfriend.

My body is like, “You know all that horrible food you ate at DragonCon? Yeah, let’s get rid of all of it in the next hour.”

A well-known singer/group doing half-assed versions of their hits while surrounded by choreographed dancers. #SuperBowlPrediction

9/4

Really? We’re bringing up Benghazi? Will someone cancel the Republitards prescription of Benghazi Viagra.

Why doesn’t Facebook have a relationship status of “Fuck It?”

9/5

Whenever I find myself in agreement with Republicans I have to ask myself, “Okay, where did I get my facts wrong?”

Quoth the Ravens, “Nevermore shall we come out on the field late!”

9/6

Idiot in Alabama, “I don’t think it was a chemical attack. I think it was a pesticide attack.” Umm… what’s pesticide?