BWAHAHA 7/18 – 11/20

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 7/18 – 11/20: Boy am I waaaaaaaaaay behind! A lot’s happened since my last BWAHAHA. I moved to Austin, TX. I eliminated stress in my life and made a lot of life changes in order to be happy before I die. This means I’ve added a few things to my bucket list. Prior to this, I had done everything on my bucket list. The only thing left to add was make-believe shit and crimes. But now that I’m like stress free and really happy with my life, there’s new shit I gotta try! Wish me luck!

What else? I got to see the Psychedelic Furs live! What an amazing show. It was also the first concert that Suzie and I have been to where we weren’t the oldest people there! Also got to finally see Mr. Kitty, who puts on one helluva an enthusiastic performance. He hugged me after the show, so scratch that one off my new happy bucket list!

OTHER STUFF

  • Watching Doomsday Preppers for shits & giggles. Some stuff to learn, but really love how NatGeo calls ’em out on their BS on the screen.
  • In my back yard yelling at the bats, “Eat them fucking skeeters! Eat ’em!”
  • And then Date Night took a turn for the worse.

    And then Date Night took a turn for the worse.

  • Watching “An Honest Liar” with Suzie​ (doc about The Amazing Randi) and we saw me. That was really cool!
  • My car is in The Chive today! Check out #19 on “That’ll Buff Out.”
  • Ha! Fooled you USPS! My package of cocaine arrived from China! Just kidding USPS! No, seriously, just kidding.

    Ha! Fooled you USPS! My package of cocaine arrived from China! Just kidding USPS! No, seriously, just kidding.

  • Teaching Suzie​ to play Skyrim was an adventure. Watching her play… well, let’s just say my stamina and patience bars ran dry.
  • I can’t wait until Obama’s fifth term when he FINALLY takes everyone’s guns, makes abortions mandatory, and outlaws Christianity!
  • Upstairs bathroom has a line of thirty people. I go downstairs. Only one in the bathroom. #Sheeple
  • @StateFarm asked me, “What kind of cake will they serve at your retirement?”
    • I’m pretty sure it’ll be a funeral cake. #LifeGoals
  • If you’re a bad dancer, just go to a Charismatic Church to dance: no one will notice how bad you are. #Camouflage
  • Never forget 911! It saves lives. Operators are standing by!
  • The irony of 9/11 Truthers is that they’re not.
  • Amazing how passive aggressive yard sale shoppers are. It’s $.50. Just buy the damn thing. LOL
  • I can't tell if this $5 was the victim of a violent crime, strip club, or Bronies.

    I can’t tell if this $5 was the victim of a violent crime, strip club, or Bronies.

  • The problem with listening to Industrial Music is having to constantly turn the radio off. Is that weird sound on the CD or your car?
  • I made this to reflect my vision of America! WOOT!

    I made this to reflect my vision of America! WOOT!

  • All future Presidential debates should not just have a moderator, but a fact-checker, who instantly calls candidates out on lies & bullshit.
  • My typehoes have ingreased exponinshooly as the peace of glaz stuck in my indicks fingrrrr gets moar and moar infecktid.
  • I shall power wash my sidewalk in the rain. That way I won’t notice the power washer is soaking me.
  • Wait, Woolworth's still exists?

    Wait, Woolworth’s still exists?

  • Can we just let the apocalypse happen now and end the stupid?

    Can we just let the apocalypse happen now and end the stupid?

  • I find it amusing that the Alabama Beverage Control has recipes on its web page and price list for stores. #StateSupportOfAlcoholism
  • Woman in line has clearly Googled herself to “expert” on Alzheimers and Dementia. Problem is, she’s completely full of shit.
  • We’ve all encountered this idiot in parking lots. Don’t be this idiot.
  • I learned today that the Japanese have a term similar to the American “Butterface:” Bakku-shan (pretty behind but not front) #ShallowWorld
  • You’d think that almost 45 years on the planet I’d have this pancake flipping thing down. Nope. I eat pancake-like bites. #DoingitWrong
  • At the Chinese Buffet my Godzilla roar ring tone sounds. Table next to me loses it laughing so hard. Racists; Godzilla was Japanese!
  • Damn, I think I put too much alcohol in the praline milkshake… nope… no I didn’t. Any amount is just right. #PreDebateDrinking
  • Just saw someone spell chasin’ as chasen. Awww, isn’t Alabama education so cute!
  • Dear creators of The Flash… visitation phones in prisons are recorded. The DOC knows who The Flash is.
  • The news reporting that a 3.5 occurred in California is like the news reporting that it rained in the Rain Forest. #SlowNewsDay
  • Overheard at Kroger, “Remember spitting the seeds out? Now watermelon is seedless. That’s unnatural.” #TheStupidItHurts
  • That might have been the fakest polite customer service rep I’ve ever talked to.
  • 6'2 fat man sleeping in a 4' Budget rental truck. Oh happy, happy, joy, joy! Goodnight.

    6’2 fat man sleeping in a 4′ Budget rental truck. Oh happy, happy, joy, joy! Goodnight.

  • Hello Austin! I’m here. First up, Whataburger!
  • Having a Whataburger two miles from the apartment may become problematic. #FirstWorldProblems #Austin
  • Uh-oh, look what I found! One more reason to love #Austin!

    Uh-oh, look what I found! One more reason to love #Austin!

  • CVS Rep: What’s your birthday?, Me: 3/12/71, CVS Rep: 1971?, Me: Umm…..
  • Wanna impress your girl? Rent out the entire theater. Or go to a movie no one else wants to see.

    Wanna impress your girl? Rent out the entire theater. Or go to a movie no one else wants to see.

  • The beginning of The Last Witch Hunter is scenes from The Lord of the Rings. Then you see a massive Groot.
  • Staff, “Would you like a complimentary Miller Lite?”
    • Me, “No thanks.”
    • GF, “Why not?
    • Me, “Free isn’t always good.”
  • Next time you make a cappuccino at home, add a teaspoon of Swiss Miss hot chocolate to it. BAM! You’re welcome.
  • Who's the butthead who painted all the curb stops the same color as handicap parking?

    Who’s the butthead who painted all the curb stops the same color as handicap parking?

  • What on earth is that yippy little fucking dog barking at all day? Is it a illegal to slip valium into the neighbor’s dog’s food?
  • Finally! A Saint Candle I can fully endorse! Thanks to the Smoking Caterpillar on 6th St. #Austin #CharlesDarwin

    Finally! A Saint Candle I can fully endorse! Thanks to the Smoking Caterpillar on 6th St. #Austin #CharlesDarwin

  • The Internet is abuzz about aliens out west because the Internet is too stupid to use Google for 2 minutes to learn it’s just a rocket. SMH
  • Is there a point where Thea Queen dies so she’ll stop being such an annoying character? #Arrow
  • When in uniform and someone wished me a Happy Veteran’s Day, I’d respond, “It’s Veteran’s Day not Active Duty Day. Go thank a homeless vet.”
  • We do what we want. This is Texas. Gummit' can't tell me what to do no more!

    We do what we want. This is Texas. Gummit’ can’t tell me what to do no more!

  • THE REFUGEE SITUATION:
    • Remember that time we refused to let the Irish in because of the chance one of them might be an IRA member? Fun times, right?
    • Remember that time the Colonies refused to allow any ships come in from England because one of the passengers might be a British spy? No?
    • Remember when we refused to allow refugees from Kosovo, Yugoslavia, and Macedonia in because one might be a bad person? Those were the days!
    • Remember that time we locked up all the Japanese citizens for fear of one being a spy? Oh wait… we actually did that shit. Never mind.
    • Remember all those Russian refugees and asylum seekers we denied entry because one might be a legit communist or Russian spy? No?
    • Remember all the dangerous Nazis we kept out, refusing to let them be part of the USA and we made sure they didn’t’ touch our space program?
    • Remember when we refused to pick up Vietnamese refugees at the embassy during the evacuation of Vietnam because one might be a commie?
    • Not allowing 10,000 refugees in as one might be a terrorist is like not having sex with 10,000 women as one might have an STD. #TerrorCondom

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS

  • I think I’ll use my juicer to make a green juice of water hemlock, white snakeroot, and belladonna. #AllNatural #GreenLife #Organic
  • The problem with having sex with Irish women is you can’t tell if you had sex because of your pickup skills or a bit o’ luck.
  • The problem with having sex with American women is that they all think they’re #1 even though world travelers know otherwise.
  • The problem with having sex with Canadian women is that you have to carry an English condom and a French Tickler at all times.
  • The problem with having sex with Italian women is they like their noodles to be al dente.
  • The problem with having sex with Scottish women is many don’t think they’re strong enough to do the caber toss.
  • The problem with having sex with Greek women is they say they like plain yogurt, but they really don’t.
  • The problem with having sex with French women is they throw in the towel at the first pick up line.
  • The problem with having sex with Egyptian women is they try to get you in on their pyramid scheme.
  • The problem with having sex with Australian women is they make you nervous, but at least take you in and feed you breakfast.
  • The problem with having sex with South African women is they give preference to vanilla positions.
  • The problem with having sex with Icelandic women is is you think they’re Swedish Chef because all they talk about is, “Bjork, Bjork, Bjork.”
  • GOP DEBATE
    • So far, this feels more like a Jerry Springer show than a debate. #GOPDebate #Awkward #UnleadedACan
    • So far, there is a roughly 25% rate of actually answering the question. Masters of political avoidance answers. #GOPDebate
    • Hawk! Hawk! Hawk! Hawk! Hawk! #RepublicanMatingCall #GOPDebate
    • Scott Walker was like, “Oh shit, they asked me about #BlackLivesMatter”. Lemme give a BS answer quickly. #GOPDebate
    • Every candidate was like, “Thank God they asked the black guy the race relations question!” #GOPDebate
    • I’m greatly disappointed that FOX News did not give every candidate a chance to out-Jesus the other candidates. #GOPDebate
    • For the next question, how long would you be willing to suck Ronald Reagan ‘ dick? #GOPDebate #Reaganophilia
    • They finally asked how long each candidate would suck Reagan’s dick! #GOPDebate #Reaganophilia
  • Just seen: open top Jeep, large Confederate flag on PVC, John Deere hat on driver, blaring country music. #StereotypesAreReal
  • I hate chasing girls. I’d rather they just come to me. #TropicalStormEricka
  • I see stores are already putting up Happy Halloween signs. The War on Samhain continues! #ThereIsNoWarOnHolidays
  • FACEBOOK DOWN, POLITICS STYLE:
    • #FacebookDown is an inside job! #NeverForget928 #FacebookTruthers
    • “Don’t blame me for Facebook being down, I’m not in charge of that company!” – Carly Fiorina #FacebookDown
    • “We’ve heard about this #FacebookDown thing. Lots of people talking about it. We’re going to look into it. Build a wall.” – Donald Trump
    • “All those anti Kim Davis memes and gay pride profile pictures has led to #FacebookDown! Praise the White Jesus!” – Mike Huckabee
    • “Oh my bad, did I plan construction on the Facebook network today without notifying Facebook?” – Chris Christie #FacebookDown
    • “#FacebookDown is another piece of evidence pointing to why I’ll bomb Syria if elected.” – Lindsey Graham
    • “I’m not #FacebookDown. I’ve never been, I don’t associate with it, and I don’t approve of that lifestyle because of the Bible.” – Ted Cruz
    • “#FacebookDown is a complete coincidence to my personal email server being down at the same time.” – Hillary Clinton
  • THE WALKING DEAD:
    • Heard of that new horror movie, The Barber of Alexandria? #TWD #DeadBuzz #TalkingDead
    • At this pace there won’t be any original Alexandrians left for Rick’s to kill. #TWD #DeadBuzz #TalkingDead
    • I don’t think they have Herd Immunity. #TWD #DeadBuzz #TalkingDead #ScienceJoke
    • Darth Vader is watching #TWD and was like, “Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!” #DeadBuzz #TalkingDead
    • Zombies be like, “Mmm, Korean buffet!” #TWD #DeadBuzz #TalkingDead
    • When is Morgan going to do the Crane Kick during his Karate Kid training montage? #TWD #DeadBuzz #TalkingDead
  • INJURE A FILM:
    • Citizen Cane #InjureAFilm
    • Lawrence of Arabies #InjureAFilm
    • Star Warts #InjureAFilm
    • Apoxalypse Now #InjureAFilm
    • Ataxia Driver #InjureAFilm
    • The Sound of Bruises #InjureAFilm
    • S*M*A*S*H #InjureAFilm
    • Close Encounters of the Third Degree Burn #InjureAFilm
    • Forrest Gimp #InjureAFilm
    • Ben-Hurt #InjureAFilm
    • Dances With Lupus #InjureAFilm
    • A Place in the Sunburn #InjureAFilm
    • E.T. The Extra Terroristrial #InjureAFilm

@MIDNIGHT HASHTAG WARS

  • Oh shit, the Condom broke! #ScaryStoryIn5Words @midnight
  • Are your parents having sex? #ScaryStoryIn5Words @midnight
  • Jar-Jar appears in Force Awakens #ScaryStoryIn5Words #StarWars @midnight

CAPTION CENTRAL

  • Always be aware of your surroundings.

    Always be aware of your surroundings.

  • 20150724a
  • This might very well be the loneliest picture I've ever seen.

    This might very well be the loneliest picture I’ve ever seen.

  • "Hey, y'all gonna still cut my hair, or what?"

    “Hey, y’all gonna still cut my hair, or what?”

  • There's Sea Doo... then there's Sea Don't.

    There’s Sea Doo… then there’s Sea Don’t.

  • Meanwhile in South Carolina...

    Meanwhile in South Carolina…

  • When you run out of communion wafers and realize Cheetos are a great substitute for transubstantiation.

    When you run out of communion wafers and realize Cheetos are a great substitute for transubstantiation.

  • "We count only blue cars. Skip the cracks in the street and ask many questions, like children often do."

    “We count only blue cars. Skip the cracks in the street and ask many questions, like children often do.”

  • Can we just start the apocalypse today and end the epidemic of human stupidity?

    Can we just start the apocalypse today and end the epidemic of human stupidity?

  • 20151104a
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BWAHAHA: 9/6 – 9/12

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 9/6 – 9/12: This was a fun week for me. I got to go out and help a friend celebrate a birthday. Suzie and I met our goals for the house and we had a housewarming party with our friends. I think my friends were unsure of what to expect and had a weird time at the party. For those that don’t know, my house was THE party house. It was not uncommon to have 50-60 people partying their asses off at my house. My house took one helluva a beating over the years from all the parties. My carpets were shot, there was damage to walls, etc. Suzie and I have been busting our asses to get the house back to living conditions: in other words, a house meant for something other than a bachelor. So the party was fun and we had great conversations and played a game, but it wasn’t a normal Blair party and I think that weirded everyone out.

I made a joke this week about the 9/11 anniversary. Well, technically, the joke was about the whole “never forget” stuff that everyone posts. It’s important to note that I was across the river in Seacaucus, New Jersey when 9/11 happened and in NYC on 9/10. I watched 9/11 unfold out of my hotel window: not on TV. 9/11 is something that resonates with me and still gets me choked up. But I can also make light of our fears and our sometimes misguided sense of nationalism in the post-9/11 environment. I did just that and someone told me, “You can’t make jokes about 9/11. It’s un-American.” I responded, “You can’t make jokes about Mohamed. It’s un-Islamic.” I think they got the point. Telling someone they can’t say one thing or another is actually the most un-American thing you can do. You know… Freedom of Speech and stuff.

OTHER STUFF:

When the Zombiepocalypse starts, it will spread quickly because people will think it’s a prank being filmed for YouTube.

My Dr. gave me meds for my RLS. I looked it up and it’s also used for Parkinson’s. I should’ve known, as the bottle said “Shake before use.”

My back didn’t itch until I picked up the back scratcher to move it. Stupid brain.

Wait… the Marines are a corporation? <it’s a joke, don’t get all Simper Fight on me>

I feel like there was something I was supposed to remember today. Damn… what was it? Oh yeah, I gotta wash my car or the terrorists win.

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS:

After some serious thought for two seconds I have decided that I’m okay with the Lions beating the Giants. #NFL

Lions are like, “Rules? There are rules? We don’t need no stinkin’ rules.” #PenaltyFlag #ArmchairQuarterback

Pop! Eye #SpookyCartoons @midnight

Bugs Bloody #SpookyCartoons @midnight

Melvin and the Cheap Monks #SpookyCartoons @midnight

Gaddafi Duck #SpookyCartoons @midnight

Plastic Manboobs #SpookyCartoons @midnight

God Almighty Mouse #SpookyCartoons @midnight

Fat Prince Albert #SpookyCartoons @midnight

Witchy Witch #SpookyCartoons @midnight

Heathcliffhanger #SpookyCartoons @midnight

Trollskins #SpookyCartoons @midnight

Speed Muggy #SpookyCartoons @midnight

Slyvester & Tweeting While Driving #SpookyCartoons @midnight

Mangamonium #SpookyCartoons @midnight

Spurt Tails #SpookyCartoons @midnight

Manchichis #SpookyCartoons @midnight

Dungeons and Drag Queens #SpookyCartoons @midnight

Turbo Teen Wolf #SpookyCartoons @midnight

Muppet Rabies #SpookyCartoons @midnight

Kissyfuhrer #SpookyCartoons @midnight

Jem and the Horrorams #SpookyCartoons @midnight

King of the Hill People #SpookyCartoons @midnight

The Greasy Spoondocks #SpookyCartoons @midnight

Sutureama #SpookyCartoons @midnight

The Strife & Crimes of Tim #SpookyCartoons @midnight

CAPTION CENTRAL:

In an attempt to tap an unknown fan base, the X-Games is including extreme equestrian sports this year.

In an attempt to tap an unknown fan base, the X-Games is including extreme equestrian sports this year.

Spanish bowling.

Spanish bowling.

It's a lesson I keep repeating like a broken record: Always be aware of your surroundings!

It’s a lesson I keep repeating like a broken record: Always be aware of your surroundings!

Meanwhile in Alabama...

Meanwhile in Alabama…

Why is it that all the cool stuff they do in movies is illegal in real life? #Busted

Why is it that all the cool stuff they do in movies is illegal in real life? #Busted

Ketchup... it does a body good.

Ketchup… it does a body good.

"If you didn't want me here, then why did you put this watering hole here?"

“If you didn’t want me here, then why did you put this watering hole here?”

"Where the drugs, man? I know you got 'em here somewhere! You better give me some of that!"

“Where the drugs, man? I know you got ’em here somewhere! You better give me some of that!”

Oh sure, play nice with the white kid!

Oh sure, play nice with the white kid!

When Malaysian Airlines flies over...

When Malaysian Airlines flies over…

BWAHAHA: 8/9 – 8/15

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 8/9 – 8/15: What a crazy ass week! Ferguson, Missouri goes bonkers (see link in other stuff for my views), Robin Williams died, the Louisville Purge happened, and I finally fixed the toilet in the guest bathroom!

I hope you had a chance to follow #LouisvillePurge on Twitter or listen to the Louisville Metro Police Department’s scanner online. While there were plenty of concerns that the Louisville Purge was real, it became obvious rather quickly that the overwhelming majority of calls being placed to 911 were prank calls. There were a few legitimate calls, which seemed to be teenagers doing stupid shit (we’ve all been there, so don’t judge too harshly). Some of the calls were hilarious and listening to the dispatcher trying not to laugh on several of the calls was pretty comical as well. But after a while you could hear the irritation set in as they got tired of chasing down ghosts from prank callers. Yes, it was funny, but it was also fucked up, because for every prank call made to 911, that was an officer who wasn’t available for a legitimate breaking & entering, robbery, shooting (there was at least one confirmed drive-by shooting), domestic violence call, etc. No matter what was or was not done, one thing was clear: the Louisville Metro Police Department handled the situation with the utmost professionalism (further shaming the Ferguson Police Department). I’ve put my Tweets from the Louisville Purge separately below. Hopefully you followed along Friday night so you get most of the references. If you didn’t follow along Friday night, I’ll at least explain the Melman references. It was reported that a giraffe was freed from the Louisville Zoo and was roaming the streets (obviously a fake call or a troll Tweet).

OTHER STUFF

My review of Into the Storm

My blog post on Ferguson: Ferguson, Police Militarization, and Shame

Find out why Ancient Aliens is bullshit and takes advantage of your ignorance and gullibility (trust me, it’s worth the three hour video),

#TBT All of this has happened before, and it will all happen again. #Ferguson #StandStrong #FirstAmendment

20140814b

LOUISVILLE PURGE: If you didn’t follow along on Twitter and on the LMPD Scanner, then you may not get some of these references, but the rest of us were laughing our asses off all night. These are in the order that I sent them out, so they follow the events as they unfolded.

I’m torn between worrying and laughing my ass off. #LouisvillePurge #BeerAndPickles

Carrying swords and weapons. Um, you don’t bring a sword to a gunfight! #LouisvillePurge #BeerAndPickles

White male with a machete and weapons. #LouisvillePurge #BeerAndPickles #SwordsAndWeapons

Don’t know if the #LouisvillePurge is real or not? Good skepticism. So listen and make a determination.

If the #LouisvillePurge is real, the LMPD are handling it like professionals and processing calls as fast as they can.

Having sexual relations with a kitty-cat. #LouisvillePurge #Pranking911 #BeersAndPickles

“So y’all need to hide yo kids, hide yo wife, and hide yo husband cause they rapin’ everykitty out here.” #LouisvillePurge

All players from the Louisville Cardinals traded to Yomiuri Giants. #LouisvillePurge

Giraffe turns himself into local hospital, swearing he got sick touching the streets. #LouisvillePurge #Melman

Giraffe turns himself into local hospital, swearing he got sick touching the streets. #LouisvillePurge #Melman

It’s obvious that a lot of the 911 calls are pranks, which is fucked up, but there are legitimate calls as well. #LouisvillePurge

Oh no, now they coming for Little Caesars’ Pizza! Purge! Purge! #LouisvillePurge

Is Papa John ready for The Purge? Because Little Caesars’ Pizza is all Purge! Purge! #LouisvillePurge

It's all good, the giraffe found his way home! #LouisvillePurge #Melman

It’s all good, the giraffe found his way home! #LouisvillePurge #Melman

The only purge you get when eating Papa John’s Pizza is the purge a few hours later on the toilet. #LouisvillePurge

Apparently if all the pizza joints had handed out free pizza, there’d be no #LouisvillePurge

Never Forget! #LouisvillePurge

20140815b

Now we know who stole that beer and pickles earlier: the freed giraffe! #LouisvillePurge

Now we know who stole that beer and pickles earlier: the freed giraffe! #LouisvillePurge

No Pat Robertson, it’s not the Rapture, just the #LouisvillePurge #HideYourKitties #HideYourBeer #HideYourLittleCaesarsPizza

This whole thing was just a misunderstanding, all he wanted was a drink! #LouisvilleSurge #LouisvillePurge

This whole thing was just a misunderstanding, all he wanted was a drink! #LouisvilleSurge #LouisvillePurge

#LMPD doing a hella job chasing down all the prank calls, but starting to hear the irritation in their voices. #LouisvillePurge

Gotta purge this nasty juice from my mod! #LouisvillePurge #ForeverVaping

Gotta purge this nasty juice from my mod! #LouisvillePurge #ForeverVaping

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS

Bandits everywhere in the tomb, but all the urns, chests, and cabinets are still covered in treasure. #GameLogic

l’abricot: (French) – Where you take turns sleeping while running sensitive experiments overnight in the laboratory.

“They’re always angry about something. No matter what they get, they’re always angry.” Rush Limbaugh said that? Really? #Irony #CheckTheMirror

I’m the only male in my water aerobics class. Other than the instructor, I’m the skinniest person in there. #ConfidenceBuilding

Why am I still up? I’m catching up on #Ferguson on Twitter, because that’s somehow the best news source on it. #StandStrong #FirstAmendment

Lt. Louisville Surge (Matis Machisu) #WorsePokemon #LouisvillePurge @midnight

CAPTION CENTRAL

Join the military they said. Girls like guys in uniform they said. I'm gonna punch "they" in the face.

Join the military they said. Girls like guys in uniform they said. I’m gonna punch “they” in the face.

Madison County Schools have introduced door-to-door bus service this year.

Madison County Schools have introduced door-to-door bus service this year.

You're too young to drive and too young to drink. Did he listen? No. He did both, now he's crashed his car and life.

You’re too young to drive and too young to drink. Did he listen? No. He did both, now he’s crashed his car and life.

BWAHAHA: 3/8 – 3/14

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 3/8 – 3/14: Mother Nature was crazy this week down here in Alabama. In a 24-hour period I went from Air Conditioning to Heater and then back to Air Conditioning. Someone needs to punch Mother Nature in the ovaries.

3/8

Fuck it, it’s insured. Right? Wait, what do you mean it’s not insured!?!?!?!

20140308a

BLR 1:21; “Blair standeth at the pulpit with waving hands, he proclaimeth aloud, “Let there be cheese dip for all!

20140308b

3/9

I was on Burn The Boats talking about comedy and the Huntsville scene!

3/10

Consensus seems to be that the mating season should be in the Fall. So what would the human mating call be? I think (for men (and some women) it’ll be more like Peacocking: Spreading out they money in your wallet, fanning it out, and waving it around, while strutting in your finest clothes around your BMW.

You know, the more I think about, the more pissed I am that no one got me a Labia Menorah for Hanukkah!

3/11

Might want to see a doctor about that explosive ass of yours. Doctor visit is likely cheaper than all those patches.

20140311a

Training young Republicans to participate in American healthcare…

20140311b

“He’s got the whole world, in his jazz hands!”

20140311c

In honor of #Cosmos, check out The Critical Eye Podcast we did with Neil deGrasse Tyson!

20140311d

3/12

One thing the Malaysian crash has taught us: if we ever go to war with Malaysia, they’ll never find our submarines.

Seductive Delusions: How Everyday People Catch STDs, by Jill Grimes #SpringBreakBooks

Wow… the wind here is blowing harder than Snookie!

A hospital is not being “put to the test” when they are treating three patients. Stupid journalists.

And she wonders why she’s still single… #Housekeeping

20140312a

New Libertarian dentist office.

20140312b

Humans… the other white meat.

20140312c

Don Lemon has never seen anything like this (#HarlemExplosion)? Really? Umm… 9/11 anyone?

Pinkies up!

20140312d

Oh yeah! #TWD birthday!

20140312e

3/13

1988 like a MOFO! I miss that outfit. #TBT

20140313b

Used to get blue: now depression, sad: now bipolar, excited: now ADHD, jock itch: oh, still jock itch.

I wonder if anyone stuffed her ballot box? On a serious note, what were her parents thinking?

20140313a

3/14

To celebrate Pi day, I’m going to eat cake. Because fuck math.

BWAHAHA: 9/7 – 9/13

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 9/7 – 9/13: I had the honor of performing at the Homegrown Comedy Show in Huntsville, Alabama on 9/13.

9/8

Axe Body Spray says women are getting hotter: #OtherThingsCausedByClimateChange

Increased instances of Jock Itch and Athlete’s Foot: #OtherThingsCausedByClimateChange

My new zombiepocalypse rule: if you lack common sense, you’re off the team. Might use you as zombie bait.

9/10

This program contains footage of humans engaged in human behavior: viewer discretion is advised.

Finally posted the article I kept threatening to write: What I Learned At DragonCon

9/11

I feel like there’s something I’m supposed to be remembering today. Is today the anniversary of the Alamo?

With all the chatter on Twitter, I thought that maybe they were allowing up to 911 characters. Oh well.

Email from dating site: “goodpussy6969 wants to chat!” Wow, someone’s been taking classes in marketing skills!

Let’s stand our ground against iPads and smash them on the sidewalk! #GeorgeZimmerman

After the divorce #GerogeZimmerman will be standing on only half his ground.

9/12

No Snooki, that burning sensation between your legs is not your STD, the Jersey Shore is on fire.

Did the Stranger on the Shore pull The Drifters out from Under the Boardwalk that’s on fire?

Jersey residents are like, “Fire, what fire?”

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You know that part of the boardwalk that wasn’t damaged by Sandy? Yeah, fuck that part!

Fire doesn’t care about your No Trespassing sign.

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Putin, “…we must not forget that God created us equal.” Unless you’re LGBT, then Siberian prison for you!

How did I not know about Derek with Ricky Gervais? Bloody brilliant! But fuck him for causing tears in my eyes.

@rickygervais – finally watched #Derek. Thank you for making me laugh and then ripping my heart out of my chest with episode 7. #Kleenex

Correlation is not causation… unless you cut yourself correlating papers.

9/13

See what happens when you pray to end the Colorado fires? God just sends a flood instead.

The biggest drawback to Boulder flooding is how painful those boulders are.

I love it when anti-government Republican governors praise FEMA, White House, National Guard, etc during disasters.

Apparently a frog was trying to get a LADEE to kiss it so he could turn back into a prince. The LADEE rejected his advances.

Launch of the LADEE, frog jumps off launch pad. Must have thought it was a Lily Pad.

Launch of the LADEE, frog jumps off launch pad. Must have thought it was a Lily Pad.

Triskaidekaphobia: you do realize that the 14th floor of the hotel is actually the 13th floor, right?

Sad as the destruction is, you gotta admit that such a large fire being started by an ice cream store is ironically giggleific.