This week on Twitter (4/26 – 5/3)

This week’s attempt to be funny on Twitter from 4/26 to 5/3 (posted in order of Tweets). This week was a little hard for me to stay active on Twitter since I was on the road for work.

4/26

I bet the Tsarnaev brothers shoplifted those pressure cookers.

Still hunting the WMD’s. No, this time we’re Syrius. #SyriaWMD

I can’t tell who is saner, #MamaTsarnaev or #AlexJones.

4/27

I wonder if there will be any Boston jokes at the Correspondent’s Dinner tonight.

Wow, the “book burning with Michelle Bachman” is going to get some hell from Republicans and Fundies. LOL

4/29

Scientists should invent a device for meat packaging that warns when the meat is spoiled and call them Spoiler Alerts.

4/30

If I want to rub one out… I use an eraser, and then write a two instead.

5/1

Someone needs to dance around my May Pole.

5/2

Drugs make me wanna jump, jump! Defibrillators make me wanna jump, jump! #RIPChrisKelly

5/3

Every Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup commercial is a subliminal message about sex.

Forty-something engineers hitting on twenty-something drunk girls at the bar. Funny shit.

Did anyone let GE know that The Matrix is soooooooooo yesterday?

The only way I can watch War of the Worlds with Tom Cruise is no volume, so Dakota Fanning doesn’t irritate me.

Think I need to start building an Ark, but this time I’m not inviting the dinosaurs, they didn’t even show up last time!

This week on Twitter (4/19 – 4/26)

This week’s attempt to be funny on Twitter from 4/19 to 4/26 (posted in order of Tweets). I was seriously bored off my ass this week and didn’t do much. I didn’t even get to do my open mics in town like normal. The funny just wasn’t in me for some reason like it normally is. Although, to be fair, that may have something to do with Dragon’s Dogma coming in from Game Fly and me spending 12 hours a day playing it (hehe).

4/21

The Defense Directorate of Earth Defense sported gay pride bands before it was trendy. #NerdJokes

4/22

One thing people forget about the moral high horse: horses shit and piss everywhere.

Surprised to hear Chrissy Amphlett succumbed to breast cancer. Figured she’d catch it early as much as she touched herself.

4/23

The sex was awesome. #teacherschangelives

It’s hard to lose weight while watching Anthony Bourdain and Andrew Zimmern eating street vendor Mexican food.

4/25

Today we celebrate the beginning of Idiocracy. #GeorgeBushLibrary

4/26

I bet the Tsarnaev brothers shoplifted those pressure cookers. #MamaTsarnaev

Still hunting the WMD’s. No, this time we’re Syrius. #SyriaWMD

I can’t tell who is saner, #MamaTsarnaev or #AlexJones.