This week on Twitter (5/4 – 5/10)

This week’s attempt to be funny on Twitter from 5/3 to 5/10 (posted in order of Tweets). Wrote new material for standup this week and so was distracted from Twitter. Sorry y’all!

5/5

JesusLuvsMeLongTime #ChristianMingleUsernames

NailMeLikeJesus #ChristianMingleUsernames

WasSavingMyselfForJesusButYoullDo #ChristianMingleUsernames

FemSub4U #ChristianMingleUsernames

LookingForSecondCuming #ChristianMingleUsernames

I’mCrazierThanRevelation #ChristianMingleUsernames

5/7

After nine years in captivity, the three women walk outside and go, “Wow, downtown looks really nice now.”

Gary Tuckman from CNN asking the hard questions, you know, like he didn’t ask the Bush administration.

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This week on Twitter (4/26 – 5/3)

This week’s attempt to be funny on Twitter from 4/26 to 5/3 (posted in order of Tweets). This week was a little hard for me to stay active on Twitter since I was on the road for work.

4/26

I bet the Tsarnaev brothers shoplifted those pressure cookers.

Still hunting the WMD’s. No, this time we’re Syrius. #SyriaWMD

I can’t tell who is saner, #MamaTsarnaev or #AlexJones.

4/27

I wonder if there will be any Boston jokes at the Correspondent’s Dinner tonight.

Wow, the “book burning with Michelle Bachman” is going to get some hell from Republicans and Fundies. LOL

4/29

Scientists should invent a device for meat packaging that warns when the meat is spoiled and call them Spoiler Alerts.

4/30

If I want to rub one out… I use an eraser, and then write a two instead.

5/1

Someone needs to dance around my May Pole.

5/2

Drugs make me wanna jump, jump! Defibrillators make me wanna jump, jump! #RIPChrisKelly

5/3

Every Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup commercial is a subliminal message about sex.

Forty-something engineers hitting on twenty-something drunk girls at the bar. Funny shit.

Did anyone let GE know that The Matrix is soooooooooo yesterday?

The only way I can watch War of the Worlds with Tom Cruise is no volume, so Dakota Fanning doesn’t irritate me.

Think I need to start building an Ark, but this time I’m not inviting the dinosaurs, they didn’t even show up last time!