This week on Twitter (7/20 – 7/26)

This week on Twitter (7/20 – 7/26): My attempt to be funny on Twitter from the last week.

7/22

Trying to think of a joke for the new baby, then I realized a country celebrating the birth of a future king is its own joke.

It’s ironic that the state most closely resembling the word vagina has a man who wants to ban the eating of vagina.

7/23

America needs a monarchy. Someone to rule us by birth instead of skill. Ummm….

Today’s #USAToday headline “The People’s Prince.” Here it’s the People’s Constitution: you’re not the “UK Today.”

The royal baby is a royal pain in the ass!

Remember when hardwood floors indicated you were poor and couldn’t afford carpet?

When I was a kid I thought sexism was the religion of sex. Is it too late to change it to that?

I was going to join uniformdating.com but found out that prison uniforms don’t count.

7/24

On my way to Dallas. Yeehaw! Gov. Perry probably has an APB for me.

Driving in Texas without A/C is like going into a whorehouse without a condom: you’re going to feel a burning sensation.

#AnthonyWeiner is not dropping out of the mayoral race and will keep it up.
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Texas should just redo their state motto to, “Don’t Mess With Jesus.”

Ten years ago I started the Veterans of Domestic Wars. I still don’t have any members. I can’t figure out what I’m doing wrong.

7/25

#Smurfs2 did something completely different with Naughty Smurf from what I had in mind.

Every time I see a casino advertising “Loose Slots” I think, “Wow, when did they legalize prostitution here?”

Anyone else notice that the female reproductive tract looks like the Texas Longhorn icon? There’s a bull-riding joke there somewhere.

I have an amazing tan on my left arm.

Every time I masturbate a voice in my head says, “I felt a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced.”

So now that #HotPockets are new & improved, how is that going to affect #JimGaffigan?

Cleaning up the mess at SFO: #ProjectRunway

Young black men should throw goofy “scared white folks” into a confused state: dress in nothing but overalls for a month.

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This week on Twitter (5/18 – 5/24)

This week on Twitter (5/18 – 5/24): Still playing catch up, so fucking deal with it.

5/21

#PrayForOklahoma, because clearly prayer worked before the storms. Prayer is for lazy fuckers.

Either God hates Oklahoma or he loves Oklahoma’s storm chasers.

5/22

I just heard Carrie Fisher say “motherfucker.” Yep, totally have a huge boner now.

5/23

Anthony “World Trade” Wiener is running for mayor. I call him that because he got knocked down and is trying to erect again.

5/24

Chilly on the mountain tonight. 41 degrees. Glad I brought the KY Warming.

I’m Hotter Than…

I’ve often employed the “I’m hotter than…” when I’m on stage and sweating (either as Reverend Blair or during my standup). I’ve had a few people ask me to compile all of them into one place, so here they are.

I’m hotter than…

…Eric Massa (D-NY) at a tickling convention.

…Bill Clinton (D) in a cigar shop.

…General Patraeus at a biographer’s convention.

… Anthony Weiner (D-NY) with a Twitter & Instagram account.

…Chris Lee (R-NY) at a GNC store buying Muscle Milk.

…the RNC at Vegas strip club!

…Tom Ganley (R-OH) at a Women’s Tea Party!

…John Ensign (R-NV) at a BFF Convention.

…John Edwards (D-NC) talking to a producer while at a Cancer Awareness conference.

…David Vitter (R-LA) at a DC Brothel.

…Mark Foley (R-FL) at summer Intern program.

…Brian Doyle (Dep. Press Sec. of DHS) in a Hannah Montana chat room.

…Jack Ryan (R-IL) at a Seven of Nine Whips & Chains Club!

…David Vitter (R-LA) with a little black notebook.

…George Rekkers on a European cruise.

…Strom Thurmond (R-SC) surrounded by teenage negro staff.

…Ed Schrock (R-VA) visiting hotmilitarystud.com run by Jeff Gannon (George Bush press appointee).

…Gary Condit (D-CA) at a CSI convention.

…Monica Lewinsky getting Tripp’d up on a blue dress!

…Gary Hart (D-CO) monkeying around with some Rice.

…Arnold Schwarzenegger (R-CA) singing Maria from the Sound of Music.

…Phillip Hinkle (R-IL) at a hotel calling 1-800-HOT-STUD.

…Mark Sanford (R-SC) on an Appalachian hiking trail.

…Dominique Strauss-Kahn (IMF) with a New York hotel housekeeper!

…Silvio Berlusconi (Italy) surfing Disney.com.

…Heidi Fleiss at the Bunny Ranch.

…Hulk Hogan at a swinger’s party.

…Paul Babeau (Pinal County Sheriff) at a INS Deportation Hearing.

…George Rekkers at a Baggage Claim.

…Jon Hinson (R-MS) in a head on a WWII Navy ship.

…Glenn Murphy (R-IN) with a passed out frat boy.

…Ted Haggard in a day spa.

…and probably wetter than Sarah Palin (R-AK) in a game preserve.

…David Wu (D-OR) at Daddy/Daughter work day.

…Bill Clinton (D) at a Dry Cleaners.

…Larry Craig (R-FL) at Minneapolis airport bathroom. At least, that’s my stance on it.