BWAHAHA 3/21 – 3/27

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 3/21 – 3/27: Ah, Spring… when the bugs come out and start mating, when the birds wake you up in the morning because they’re honry and O’Dark Thirty, when the smell of freshly mowed dogshit wafts in the gentle breezes and everyone starts their sneezes. Ah… Spring.

My grass literally went from brown to needing to be mowed in a week. Not even a week after mowing my grass for the first time… freezing temps. Fuckin’ weather! At least I got to do a little bit of chasing as the cold front came through. Nothing major, just chasing cloud formations. Many people think storm chasers are about the tornadoes. Don’t get me wrong, the tornado is the icing on the cake on top of a cherry on a sundae, but we chase for the sky: the clouds, the rain, the cloud formations, the beauty, etc. I’ll chase on a partly cloud day just to watch the beauty of the tiny clouds rolling around in the sky. It’s the Troposphere that gets us excited: Tornadoes just send us over the top.

Speaking of storms, don’t forget to check out my new blog entry for this upcoming storm season: North Alabama: Are You Storm Ready?

OTHER STUFF:

• 

  Declaring war against Sweet Gum Balls. #Napalm

• 

  Being a responsible pyromaniac. Sitting here with a shovel until the burn is done. Beautiful day for it.

• Whoever in the Aviwxchasers.Com car keeps saying “it’s large,” they remind me of the movie Popeye.

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS:

• I will not read comments on news items about Ted Cruz. I will not read comments on news items about Ted Cruz. I will not read comments… #Cruz2016
• Senator Ted Cruz’n for a bruz’n #Cruz2016

@MIDNIGHT #HASHTAGWARS:

• “Take On Windows ME” by A-ha ‪#‎InternetASong‬ @midnight
• “Ocean Blue Waffle” by ABC ‪#‎InternetASong‬ @midnight
• “Mexican Pandora” by Wall of Voodoo ‪#‎InternetASong‬ @midnight
• “Ride Like The Windows Explorer” by Christopher Cross ‪#‎InternetASong‬ @midnight
• “Bette Davis iTunes” by Kim Carnes ‪#‎InternetASong‬ @midnight
• “WWW, WWW, WWW, WWW” by Crash Test Dummies ‪#‎InternetASong‬ @midnight
• “(Nothing But) 1800Flowers.Com” by Talking Heads ‪#‎InternetASong‬ @midnight
• “Just A Googleo (I Ain’t Got Nobody)” by David Lee Roth ‪#‎InternetASong‬ @midnight
• “Huffington Post Post Modern Man” by DEVO ‪#‎InternetASong‬ @midnight
• “Doll-Dagga BuzzFeed-BuzzFeed Ziggety-Zag” by Marilyn Manson ‪#‎InternetASong‬ @midnight
• “Amazoned and Confused” by Neil Diamon ‪#‎InternetASong‬ @midnight
• “Instagram Club Hit (You’ll Dance to Anything)” by The Dead Milkmen ‪#‎InternetASong‬ @midnight

BWAHAHA 3/14 – 3/20

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 3/14 – 3/20: I had a really awesome birthday. I didn’t want a birthday party and just asked my friends to come over and play Karaoke Against Humanity with me. But they brought me presents and made it awesome anyway. I got plenty of hot stuff, some alcohol, and goodies, and I got this amazing handmade figurine of me made by my friend Cory. It’s fucking awesome (pic below)! What is Karaoke Against Humanity you ask? Well, you play Cards Against Humanity like normal, but the reader chooses the worst card (in addition to the winning card) and the person who played that card has to sing a random karaoke song to the rest of the players. The way I do it is I pick “songs everyone should know” based on several lists and compile them into a numbered file and then the loser has to pick a random number out of a bowl and sing that number. No one knows what you’re going to sing until it appears on the screen. Don’t know the song? Too fucking bad… just make that shit up.

OTHER STUFF:

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  My friend Cory made this for me for my birthday. The details are amazing, from my hanging wallet, to the EBM graphic tee, glasses, and my “gay Jesus stance.” Cory, I love ‘ya man!

• Caught a vendor selling fake gems at the Rock & Gem show. UGH, what a rock tease!

• 

  Good, now I can post this picture on Facebook without having to worry about being banned.

• The IRS mileage rate is now $0.575/mile. Might be time for a trip somewhere…
• 

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS:

• Osmosis: When you lose a couple of pounds listening to Marie Osmond talk about NutriSystem. #NewDefinitions
• I guess we got tired of just zombies getting killed and were like, let’s kill humans tonight. ‪#‎TWD‬ ‪#‎DeadBuzz‬
• Only the good die young. ‪#‎TWD‬ ‪#‎DeadBuzz‬ ‪#‎RIPNoah‬
• Interstellar would have been a better movie if the wormhole went to ‪#‎Poopiter‬ @midnight

CAPTION CENTRAL:

• 

  No one told Tigger that bouncing was illegal in Thailand. Tigger done bounced too far this time!

North Alabama: Are You Storm Ready?

NORTH ALABAMA: ARE YOU STORM READY?

A lot of people are asking if the 2015 tornado season is going to be bad since we had a bad winter. While it is true that in the past some bad winters were followed by bad tornado seasons, it is equally true that past bad winters were followed by mild tornado seasons. Just because it was a bad winter in 2010/11 and it was followed by a bad 2011 tornado season doesn’t follow that a bad winter equals a bad tornado season. That is what is called confusing correlation with causation.

What is more important is being prepared for any severe weather threat, be it an average storm season or a more active season. It does no good to only be concerned about whether or not we will have 200 tornadoes in any given year, because it only takes a single storm, single flood, or a single tornado to destroy lives and property.

You need to be prepared for extended power outages. You need to be prepared for a loss of local store services (or ones operating on cash only). You need to be prepared to stay in your home or evacuate as the circumstances dictate.

So what do you need before a storm?

1. Make sure you have non-perishable food items. During an extended power outage, your milk and eggs are not going to do you any good once they spoil.
2. Make sure your car’s gas tank is full in case power is out for an extended period and gas stations are shut down. You should also fill your gas cans as well. If you do not use them, then you will have the gas to keep mowing your lawns.
3. Make sure you have an alternative way to cook food (even if you have a gas stove, because utilities may have to shut gas down if there is a problem at the source or anywhere along the lines). A camp stove or grill are great ways to cook when the power is out. If you have a charcoal grill, make sure you have a few bags of charcoal ready to go. If you have a propane grill, make sure your tank is at least 1/2 full. If you have a camp stove, make sure you have enough mini-propane tanks.
4. Make sure you have bottled water. A half case of water (per person in the household) at a minimum should be readily available.
5. Make sure all your electronics are fully charged. Make sure you have a supply of batteries ready to go for battery-operated electronics, flashlights, LED lights, etc. If you lose power, only use your phone for emergencies to conserve battery life. Make sure you turn off your WiFi on your phone so it does not waste battery searching for a WiFi signal. If cell service goes down, put your phone on airplane mode (or turn it off) to conserve battery and check a few times a day to see if cell signal is back. If you have an inverter for your car, that is great, but remember to start your engine and run it for a few minutes while you are using the inverter. Inverters can drain batteries quickly, especially older batteries or batteries that have been jump-started before. Keep in mind that using the inverter, and thus running the engine, is using your gas, so be mindful of how much you use it.
6. Keep flashlights or lanterns nearby and ready to go. Make sure you have lighters/matches to light any candles or kerosene/propane lanterns you have. Make sure lighters and matches are in an easy-to-find place so you are not digging for them in the dark.
7. You should already have a NOAA Weather Radio. If you do not have one, do yourself and your family a favor and spend the extra money next payday to buy one. The NOAA Weather Radio is an invaluable asset, especially if you cannot hear tornado sirens where you live, sirens do not wake you up when you are sleeping, or the power goes out so you cannot get Internet or TV news. The NOAA Weather Radio can SAVE YOUR LIFE!
8. Make sure any prescription medication is easily accessible so you are not fumbling in the dark trying to find your pills. If you are running low on one and it is ready for a refill, take care of that now: not the day the storm is supposed to be on top of you.
9. Your house should already have a first-aid kit and fire extinguisher in it. Make sure everyone knows where those are at and they are easily accessible in the dark.
10. Do not forget about your pets: take them into account when figuring out how much bottled water you should have and make sure they have enough dog food to last for extended period with no stores being open.
11. Talk to everyone in your household about safety and evacuation plans. Where are the safe places to hunker down within your house to ride out a storm? Where is a safe place to meet if you are separated during a storm event, evacuation, etc? If you must evacuate or leave your house because of damage, where is the nearest public evacuation center or storm shelter? Have a practice drill now and then (at least twice a year) to make sure everyone is familiar with the plan and can execute it properly.
12. Have a “bug-out bag” ready to go. This doesn’t mean you need a prepper bag full of seeds and ammunition. It means you need the basics ready to go in case something happens (like a tree falling on your house, a lightning strike causing a house fire, or a tornado damaging your home). The bag should include things like underwear, change of clothes, toiletries, baby diapers, etc. One thing people often forget is important paperwork. Scan your important documents and put them on a small flash drive (or CD-R) that can go in your bag (marriage license/certificate, mortgage, insurance paperwork (auto, car & life), birth certificates, etc). This should be in your room where you can grab it quickly as you escape your house. Your bag should also contain some cash because an extended power outage means no credit card readers are going to be working.
13. Make sure your ICE (In Case of Emergency) contacts are updated in your phone.
14. Stay calm. Don’t panic. Panic leads to bad decision making. Be aware of your surroundings.

Best wishes, as always,
Blair

BWAHAHA 3/7 – 3/13

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 3/7 – 3/13: I was at a Mexican restaurant earlier this week eating their awesome lunch buffet. This restaurant is in what is considered to be the “rural” area of Huntsville. Within a mile of my house is shopping centers, million dollar homes, meth labs, cattle ranches, cotton fields, horse ranches, and trailer parks. So you never really know who you’re going to come across when spending the day among the natives. The table behind me were racists. I don’t mean the accidental or ignorant kind: I mean the Dixie brand wearing, Confederate flag waving, Garth Brooks worshiping, goin’ muddin’, engine and washing machine in the front yard, momma’s a meth head, mean spirited, and hateful kinda racists. I mean, being a racist and having a racist conversation is bad enough, but when you feel empowered enough to have that conversation so loud that everyone in the section can hear you? Well, that’s just a whole new level of bad. During their conversation I learned that there are more black racists than white racists. I also learned that blacks don’t want equality, but special treatment (Is that at least a small recognition that black people currently don’t have equality? Nah, they’re not smart enough for that level of thinking). Let’s see, what else did I learn from the racists adjacent to me. I learned that it’s not really a black or white thing, per se, but an interracial thing (gosh, if only those black people kept to themselves and left us white folks alone!). But then the best thing happened. One of the women there started talking about how her mom was from Guam (you know, not white) and that her name used to be Torres, but she changed it so people wouldn’t think she’s a dirty Mexican (Fuck them, but their food is amazing! Am I right?!). Did her friends freak out and suddenly demand that this horrible impure mudblood leave the pure white American flag waving table? Nope. I guess it’s okay to be not 100% white as long as you have enough hatred in you to fit in with the rest of the morons you’re hanging out with.

When your close friends wish you happy birthday, that means something. Right? When you family wishes you a happy birthday, that means something as well. Right? Thanks to social networking sites, no one has to actually remember when your birthday is anymore: even your family. Everyone is reminded that it’s your birthday. What that means is that instead of saying “thanks” to the fifteen people who are routinely a part of my life, I’m now saying “thanks” to 500+ people who feel the need to type “Happy Birthday” because Facebook fucking told them it was my birthday. Let’s not mention the fact that the last time we even talked on Facebook was last year when you wished me Happy Birthday and I replied, “Thanks!” Just like this year. Facebook and other social media sites that remind everyone when it’s your birthday, have made birthdays annoying. I think I’m going to hide my birthday on Facebook. Then again, if I did that, my family and best friends would forget about it… On the awesome side, my girlfriend gave me a Vape Cake!

Awesome Vape Cake! Cloupor T8, with Nautilus tank, two batteries, and a bottle of Mother’s Milk and VG.

OTHER STUFF:

• I’ve discovered a Hipster hive. If I find the queen Hipster, I’ll kill her and save humanity. Wish me luck, I’m going in!
• They were even worse than Hipsters… they were Hippisters: dreadlocks & patchouli with Abercrombie from a Thrift Store!!!!
• And the seal opened and voices cried in woe and there was a great gnashing of teeth as the trumpet blaired. ‪#‎IFarted‬
• Birthdays are annoying when no one remembers and equally annoying when everyone remembers.
• My yard is farting. The ground is so saturated, the septic tank has nowhere to go, so the gases bubble up the surface and ‪#‎ChemicalAttack‬

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS:

• Sasha be like, “Pft, white people.” ‪#‎TheWalkingDead‬ ‪#‎TWD‬ ‪#‎deadbuzz‬
• Advice from Twitter? Perfect! ‪#‎GoodAdviceIn4Words‬
• Wipe first, pants second. ‪#‎GoodAdviceIn4Words‬
• Porcupines make horrible pillows. ‪#‎GoodAdviceIn4Words‬
• Puppies are like veal. ‪#‎GoodAdviceIn4Words‬
• Bob’s better in marinade. ‪#‎GoodAdviceIn4Words‬ ‪#‎TWD‬

BWAHAHA 2/28 – 3/6

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 2/28 – 3/6: During this week, my girlfriend Suzie and I celebrated our one year anniversary of our very first date. So what do you do on your one year dateiversary? Well, you duplicate your first date! We started off at the Savory Spice Shop in Franklin, TN and then moved on to Famous Dave’s BBQ and ended up at Frugal McDoogal’s in Nashville. And of course… we went Dutch! On the way back home we had a late stop at WalMart. Suzie went into the store and I took a 20-minute power nap in the parking lot. Why? Because it’s better to take a power nap eight miles from home than to fall asleep at the wheel and kill yourself or someone else one mile from home. *The More You KNOW!

The fiasco over gay marriage continues in Alabama. Alabama Supreme Court Chief Justice Roy Mooreon put out a missive to all the probate judges and most of them followed his missive and stopped issuing licenses to gay couples. For some reasons, these idiots who are supposed to fucking know the law, think that they’re somehow immune to contempt of court of lawsuits because our fucktarded Mooreon of a Chief Justice gave them an excuse to exercise their bigotry openly. Alabama will always move forward kicking and screaming and sometimes be forced to move forward at gunpoint. The problem is that Alabama is still not living in 2015… it’s stuck somewhere in 1975 or 1976 still. On the bright side, at least they’re not wearing disco suits.

Don’t forget to check out “Are You Winter Weather Ready?” A lot of the points work for Spring and Summer weather as well, but I’ll put up a new blog as the Spring weather gets closer.

OTHER STUFF:

• Today’s North Alabama Vapers’ Mini-Con was a huge success. How do we know? Well, the Huntsville Fire Department showed up! ‪#‎VapeOn‬

• 

  When Assassins’s Creed Black Flag goes wrong… Stuck and can’t save my crewman. Fast travel will fix it! ‪#‎BlackFlag‬

• Remember: they’re called forecasts and not predictions for a reason. Give your meteorologist a little slack.

• 

  I’m not sure if this is a compliment or not. And is this news that’s retarded or news for retards (and does that mean Republicans)?

• Tons of bugs celebrated the 75 degrees here in Huntsville… hopefully they mated and will all die from the freeze and eggs won’t hatch.

• 

  Problem? What problem? I don’t have a problem! ‪#‎VapeLife‬ ‪#‎VapeOn‬ ‪#‎ForeverVaping‬

• I must admit I find myself disappointed that no right-wing nutters blamed the crazy Alabama weather on gay marriage being found legal here.

• 

  My super top secret magic weather bubble doesn’t seem to be functioning properly.

• I don’t know if I should be angered or excited that PlayStation has PlayStation Plus for their overweight customers.
• I just ate one-year aged hot New Mexican red chile. Hot really isn’t the right adjective now. Maybe volcanic?

• 

  When the water drains away… and the ice stays. #alwx #HSV