BWAHAHA: 5/31 – 6/6

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 5/31 – 6/6: I’m trying a new format this week to see how I like it. Instead of listing everything by the day I posted it, I’m combining all the captioned pictures, twitter jokes, and “other” into separate categories. Let’s see how this looks and goes. I’m digging the captioning already instead of the words above the pictures.

I participated in the Alright Bayou Comedy Show on 6/6 and had a great time. Thanks to comedians Matthew Tate and Nate Bailie for the invite and hosting. For more information about shows, open mics, and other comedy stuff in the Huntsville area, check out hsvcomedy.com!


OTHER STUFF (Yeah, OTHER goes before everything else)

Check out my new article on the Rocket-Wrangler, Area Storm Chasers Disappointed by Severe Weather Season

The newest episode of The Critical Eye Podcast, with guest comedian Ian Harris, is now available in the archive. E044: Republicans, Racists, and Teabaggers; Oh My!

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS

The scariest part of #Maleficent was the teaser for the new #Cinderella movie being released in 2015.

Headline: “Pakistani police probed for being ‘silent spectators’ in stoning death.”
I hope they mean the “probed” I’m thinking of.

Alabamians voted today, once again proving how stupid they are.

Someone do a mash up of Pet Shop Boys’ “Opportunities” and Blood Hound Gang’s “Bad Touch.” It’ll be awesome!

Thanks to a flat tire at midnight in Atlanta, I now have $6 until payday. Hey, if McDonald’s employees can do it…

This was me in 1953: ____
#TBT Before I was born, I was nothing and I didn’t notice, and so it shall be when I die.

I was thinking Obama should have traded weapons for the hostage, then I remembered Reagan already gave the Taliban weapons. #GOPocrisy

CAPTION CENTRAL

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Wanna prove you’re rich in China on dating profile sites? Show that you can purchase McDonald’s french fries!

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He’s not just selling vegetables, he’s promoting #SouthernEducation.

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And on this day, Tommy began going through puberty.

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Remember to always be aware of your surroundings. #LifeLessons

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Does this count as a selfie? #ClubSexting

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Grandpa is so busted! Just because you have earbuds in, doesn’t mean the world actually goes away.

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“Hey Aziz, I’m beginning to like this Great Satan. How about you?”

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Tonight on ESPN, the Wonderful World of Balletsketball!

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Wasatch School District (Utah) announces new girl’s dress code for the 2014/15 school year.

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Turning water into wine was no biggie, but Jesus couldn’t turn water into beer. Jesus still has to do beer runs.

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He’s gonna get a parking ticket!

Ever since Bane went all artistic, he just isn't as threatening.

Ever since Bane went all artistic, he just isn’t as threatening.

PUBLISHED by catsmob.com

Here we see a child being trained in the ways of FOX News.

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Papa’s got a brand new bag!

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The Teletubbies, now 17-years-old, being all douchey and hipstery.

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Another friendly reminder to be aware of your surroundings.

BWAHAHA: 5/24 – 5/30

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 5/24 – 5/30: The news hyped the shit out of the Camel Toe Meteor Shower: the shower that had never been to Earth before. I sat out in my yard for 45 minutes and all I saw was lightning bugs. So a big fuck you to the Universe.

I went and saw Maleficent Friday the 30th and I really enjoyed it (no spoilers here, I promise). Reading some of the criticisms online I can’t help but wonder what people thought they were getting? Did they think they were going to see an M Night Shyamalanadingdong movie? Were they expecting JJ Abrams? Michael Bay? It was a Disney movie and if you expected anything but a Disney movie then you should be doing a critique of yourself. This was a pure Disney movie through and through and it was done beautifully. It passed the Bechdel Test with flying colors. The amazing part was the lack of clear and defined roles of good and evil, with characters being both and dealing with those internal struggles. Angelina Jolie nailed the role and was incredible. The movie is dark and has a lot of death in it (you never see the deaths happen: it’s insinuated or you see afterwards (think Dumbledore’s fall and then you see him on the ground but never see him hit the ground), but dark is not new for Disney. Was the movie Amazing? Of course not, it’s a Disney movie. Was it good? You betcha! One thing I can consistently count on is that if critics hate a movie, I know I’m going to like it and if they love a movie (or it’s nominated for Best Picture) then I know I’m probably going to hate it.

The scariest part of Maleficent was the teaser for the new Cinderella movie being released in 2015.

5/24

Meteor! Never mind, lightning bug. Meteor! Never mind, lightning bug. Meteor! Fucking lightning bugs.

Ghost peppers in mac & cheese with hot sausage? Oh yeah… I’m on fire. But it’s a good spontaneous combustion.

My article “My First Threesome” was published in The Rocket Wrangler. TRW is where local comedians post their funny articles and fake news.

5/25

I was passing someone doing 10 under in the left lane and Colony 5’s song “Unaware” started playing. #AwesomeCoincidence

5/28

I really hate getting sick. More than I hate being sick. I’m not a fan of suspense.

5/29

“How was I supposed to know that everyone would call me out for wearing white?”

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It suddenly dawned on Nicole why she was so cold.

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And here we have someone who clearly wasn’t very good at Pitfall on the Atari 2600.

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After tons of criticism from earlier teaser pics, the new TMNT movie has taken a new route to attract new fans.

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Thanks evolution for evolving the virus that attacked me yesterday. And thanks for the immune system that kicked the virus’ ass last night!

Thoughts of fleeing were dashed upon discovering the only two fit officers on the force manning the DUI checkpoint.

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Steve thought he had the most amazing hose in the universe.

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Meanwhile… in the Libertarian utopia… (Wait, there’d be no roads in the Libertarian Utopia)

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I fatwa in your general direction!

5/30

Fifteen minutes later I was arrested for beating the shit out of a cat.

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I think I know where the nozzle goes… but does it take unleaded or diesel?

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Who needs a high school diploma when you can work at a grocery store bakery?

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No one was going to get free coffee as long as McDougal was on watch!

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The spice rack in the Thai restaurant fell on top of me. I’m physically fine, but totally Thai dyed.

I have a guest at my front door. He’s not moving. #MexicanStandoff

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The restaurant: hot. Candy store: hot. Theater: hot. My house: hot. Did all the A/C’s break down? I’m now looking for the Happy Toyz truck.

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So Disney is remaking Cinderella (2015 release). I’m skeptically intrigued and ruefully mused.

So that’s how new My Little Ponies are made…

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BWAHAHA: 12/14 – 12/20

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 12/14 – 12/20: This week I was in Florida helping my Dad move. During the middle of that he ended up in the hospital for almost the entire week with a horrible bout of kidney stones and the start of kidney failure. Doctors and science prevailed and he is on the road to recovery. My week in Florida was made fun by the idiocy of Q-Tips: you know, older drivers where all you can see is the puff of white cotton sticking up above the driver’s seat. How fucking hard it is to do the speed limit when merging? I found myself doing my best (and by best I mean horrible) impersonation of Samuel Jackson, “Cruise control motherfucker, do you use it?!?!?!?!” I don’t want you to go over the speed limit, but for the love of whatever gods do not exist, can you at least do the fucking speed limit? Is there a law that says if you’re handicap or over the age of 65 that you have to do at least five under? Oh, and don’t even get me started on idiots slamming on their brakes when they see a police officer. Newsflash morons, you only have to break to the speed limit. If the speed limit is 70, why the fuck are you breaking to 60? FUCKING IDIOTS!!!!! Okay… I feel better now.

12/15

The woman at the next table sounds like a female Deepak Chopra. Kill me now.

He’s feeling better and the fool wants to watch a Lifetime movie… about hospitals.

DadHospital

12/16

Feeling the need to watch my favorite Christmas movie: Die Hard.

Harvard finals are ‘da bomb!

Lesson I learned today: when life gets hard, call in a bomb threat.

70-year-old woman in the car in front of me is head banging to Quiet Riot. #FloridaLife #StllRockin

Not sure why they are endangered, I’ve seen plenty of man tease here in Florida.

Liam Neeson’s cock is so big, that he hired Greenpeace as a bodyguard to protect it against Japanese whalers. #HollywoodBabbleOn

But how will we find Baby Jesus?

WheresBabyJesus

Okay men, time to start flying in formation: even going to the bathroom together so we all look good. (Cheerleader Effect)

Meanwhile… on the set of Star Wars VII at Disney Studios…

JarJarBinx

12/17

Dad has to go to a nursing home for a few weeks rehab. A home for nurses sounds like fun!

So my Dad has to go to a nursing home. I’m jealous. I’d love to breastfeed all day.

Is this legitimate Sexasaurus Rex science?

SexasaurusRex

So that is where they come from! Or is this just shameless self-promotion?

BJFarm

Is there a law I don’t know about that requires handicap drivers to go at least five under the speed limit? #RetiredFlorida

This is the problem with the world today: the over-objectification of snow.

SnowObjectification

12/18

I was on ReapSow Radio. Listen to the archive.

Is Duck Dynasty that boring?

BoringDynasty

I can’t tell if this is an “Oh shit!” or a “Watch my awesome!”

CopOhShit

12/19

Always check for reflective surfaces when watching porn or hentai. If not… BUSTED!

HentaiBusted

If baseball is a metaphor for sex, then I must be a sports commentator, because I’m not a player! Sometimes I’m the third-base coach.

12/20

Duck Dynasty is scripted and fabricated – so once again Christians are defending a work of fiction.

Dirty Santa gift ready. Cheap and easy. The gift… not me. Okay, me too.

Do you think whoever invented the word diarrhea intentionally wanted it to sound like “dire rear?”

Mud jumping would be awesome if the fashion was better.

BetterWardrobes

I told you I was cheap… only $.25!

CheapAndEasy
A friend asked if he could swipe a credit card in my rear. I told him there was a $3 minimum purchase on credit cards.

I wonder how many people stand at the bottom waiting for the movie to start…

StarWarsEscalators