BWAHAHA: 6/7 – 6/13

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 6/7 – 6/13: I spent the week in a Mississippi jail. I’ve become the pawn of a Sheriff who thinks I’m the guy who is going to get him reelected. No, I’m not a prisoner being made an example of. I’m a contractor, who by completing the job in time, will make the voters happy enough to reelect a Sheriff. But see, that just means there’s enough voters out there who have family and friends in prison, that making them happy can mean a reelection. What does that say about 1) Mississippi, and 2) our Judicial system? When your reelection hinges on a single item you may want to consider how well you’re doing with the rest of your job. People should reelect you because you’re doing a good job, not because you accomplished a single thing.

While in Mississippi I’ve had a couple of run-ins with rednecks. One of them was literally a tit-for-tat conversation of, “At least in California we’re progressive,” “Yeah, well at least in Mississippi we don’t suck cocks,”

“No, you do suck cocks, you’re just afraid of homosexuality, so you beat the shit out of gays instead of admitting you’re gay.”

“Fuck you, you liberal hippie!”

“You’d like to, wouldn’t you, you gay Mississippian!”

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS

Four customers and three employees were all singing to the Village People’s YMCA playing on the radio in the BP gas station. #LifeGemstones

We wouldn’t be playing this keep passing reach other game if you would USE YOUR FUCKING CRUISE CONTROL! #IdiotDrivers

We only have one life to lose… so lose it well.

I now believe in God. I prayed for hot mustard to come back and it did. Not sure why he doesn’t answer prayers of starving kids in Africa.

It’s 90 degrees outside and 96 degrees in the jail. Can I go outside now please?

What’s that? Lightning and wind and rain? Yeah… fuck going out to eat. Dominos.Com save the day!

Yesterday I lost 10lbs in sweat. Today I’m gaining 10 lbs from being soaked to the bone. #MississippiWeather

Why is the waitress calling me “darlin” when I’m clearly 20 years older than her? #TipPandering

Wow, did Virginia really just replace a crazy person with a crazier person? #CantorVsBrat

Of course the Tea Party candidate is named Brat. OF COURSE!

“Six minutes! Six minutes! Six minutes Doogie Howser is on!” #RuinaRapSong #HSVcomedy

Cantor gets rejected, Tea Party gets selected. The GOP is divided. Now we’re voting for crazier over crazy. #HSVcomedy #RuinaRapSong

Have you ever seen a party with whites on the mic. With one minute sound bites that don’t come out right? #HSVcomedy #RuinaRapSong #GOP

I saw the Sheriff, but I did not see the Deputy. #Jailin

GF asked, “What you guys talk about?” “Nothing.” “Really?” “Yeah, we’re dudes, our conversations are like three sentences long.”

Eric Can’tor

Explaining to MS native, “MS is ranked last in almost everything.” He responds, “Well, at least we’re not pussies down here.” #FairEnough

I can’t tell if I’m in the DMARC or a sauna. Computers love the heat, right?

Why does Popeye’s serve non-spicy chicken? If you want boring chicken, go to KFC.

CAPTION CENTRAL

Another friendly reminder to always be aware of your surroundings…

And we wonder why the French hate us…

North Korea announces invention of teleprompter to ensure citizens will say what the government wants them to say.

I don’t know about you, but I prefer it when my farts speak in Mandarin or Siamese.

Someone has a Boba Fettish.

I went to Rome and all I got to see was the Fontana di Elderli.

This week on Twitter (7/20 – 7/26)

This week on Twitter (7/20 – 7/26): My attempt to be funny on Twitter from the last week.

7/22

Trying to think of a joke for the new baby, then I realized a country celebrating the birth of a future king is its own joke.

It’s ironic that the state most closely resembling the word vagina has a man who wants to ban the eating of vagina.

7/23

America needs a monarchy. Someone to rule us by birth instead of skill. Ummm….

Today’s #USAToday headline “The People’s Prince.” Here it’s the People’s Constitution: you’re not the “UK Today.”

The royal baby is a royal pain in the ass!

Remember when hardwood floors indicated you were poor and couldn’t afford carpet?

When I was a kid I thought sexism was the religion of sex. Is it too late to change it to that?

I was going to join uniformdating.com but found out that prison uniforms don’t count.

7/24

On my way to Dallas. Yeehaw! Gov. Perry probably has an APB for me.

Driving in Texas without A/C is like going into a whorehouse without a condom: you’re going to feel a burning sensation.

#AnthonyWeiner is not dropping out of the mayoral race and will keep it up.
Expand

Texas should just redo their state motto to, “Don’t Mess With Jesus.”

Ten years ago I started the Veterans of Domestic Wars. I still don’t have any members. I can’t figure out what I’m doing wrong.

7/25

#Smurfs2 did something completely different with Naughty Smurf from what I had in mind.

Every time I see a casino advertising “Loose Slots” I think, “Wow, when did they legalize prostitution here?”

Anyone else notice that the female reproductive tract looks like the Texas Longhorn icon? There’s a bull-riding joke there somewhere.

I have an amazing tan on my left arm.

Every time I masturbate a voice in my head says, “I felt a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced.”

So now that #HotPockets are new & improved, how is that going to affect #JimGaffigan?

Cleaning up the mess at SFO: #ProjectRunway

Young black men should throw goofy “scared white folks” into a confused state: dress in nothing but overalls for a month.