BWAHAHA 10/25 – 10/31:

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 10/25 – 10/31: So this week, even though I’m behind a week (yes, I’ll catch up this weekend), I’ve decided to take a different approach with the #HashtagWars done by @midnight. First, I’m giving them their own section, separate from my other Tweets, posts, etc. Second, I’m only including ones that are 100% original. I do a search for my joke and if anyone else did it – it doesn’t make it on this page: even if I did it first. There are some low hanging fruit and obvious jokes with each #HashtagWars and we come up with the same stuff. It happens. But there are a few where I know someone copied mine and used it as their own, because I used an odd Syntax or put in a special character where it didn’t need to be. You know who you are and did you not know that Twitter has a search function that shows not only that you stole my joke but time stamps that shit as well? Douchebag.

OTHER STUFF:

New tag arrived today!

New tag arrived today!

Need to plunder something. Yes, bartender, I'll take a Me & Coke, please.

Need to plunder something. Yes, bartender, I’ll take a Me & Coke, please.

Enjoying some Captain and vape! #ForeverVaping

Enjoying some Captain and vape! #ForeverVaping

Best Buy just aired a Christmas commercial. In October. I am now no longer shopping at Best Buy.

On the road back to Pittsburgh. 12 hours of other drivers pissing me off.

Even when I'm on the road, the storms fizzle out before getting to me. Mother Nature hates me.

Even when I’m on the road, the storms fizzle out before getting to me. Mother Nature hates me.

After numerous searches on the Internet, I have concluded that I have Ebola. The Internet is never wrong.

So when does Earth to Echo 2: Payback come out where Echo, with all his alien friends, takes revenge for the government shooting him down?

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATION:

Who wants some roast? TAINTED MEAT!!! #TheWalkingDead

We had Swiss steak for dinner tonight. #TAINTEDMEAT #TheWalkingDead

Eating Bob gives #TheWalkingDead chocolate pudding a whole new meaning.

I have only a few Zombiepocalypse rules. No kids is one of them. Judith proves my point. #TheWalkingDead

All praise the red-handled machete! #TWD #TheWalkingDead

Uh-oh, did Daryl bring back some #TAINTEDMEAT to the church? #TheWalkingDead

#HashtagWars WITH @Midnight:

Lawrence of Catabia #CatMovies @midnight

The Abyssinian #CatMovies @midnight

Breakfast at Chantilly-Tiffany #CatMovies @midnight

The Godpawder #CatMovies @midnight

12 Angry Mice #CatMovies @midnight

The Usual Suspets #CatMovies @midnight

12 Years a Pet #CatMovies @midnight

The Himalayan Blues Brothers #CatMovies @midnight

When Hairy Met Alley #CatMovies @midnight

Hairballspray #CatMovies @midnight

Sarah Palin makes Vivid deal #ScaryStoriesIn5Words @midnight

Michael Vick opens animal shelter #ScaryStoriesIn5Words @midnight

Every Wives Tale is TRUE #ScaryStoriesIn5Words @midnight

Rapture happened: you missed it #ScaryStoriesIn5Words @midnight

Rick & Daryl: gay love scene #ScaryStoriesIn5Words @midnight #TWD

Zombies only eat Playboy Bunnies #ScaryStoriesIn5Words @midnight

Cloverfield monster… was a baby #ScaryStoriesIn5Words @midnight

Knock Knock. Who’s there? Jason. #ScaryStoriesIn5Words @midnight

Olympics being held in Liberia #ScaryStoriesIn5Words @midnight

Condom broke… with a prostitute #ScaryStoriesIn5Words @midnight

Technically, we’re all TAINTED MEAT! #ScaryStoriesIn5Words @midnight #TheWalkingDead

EMP burst kills the Internet #ScaryStoriesIn5Words @midnight

They’re just friction burns. Honest! #ScaryStoriesIn5Words @midnight

Adam & Steve, not Adam & Eve! #ScaryStoriesIn5Words @midnight

What’s in the box? Microsoft-10 #ScaryStoriesIn5Words @midnight

Satan’s number is actually 404 #ScaryStoriesIn5Words @midnight

Come again… How fast, officer? #ScaryStoriesIn5Words @midnight

Yosemite seismic activity rapidly increasing #ScaryStoriesIn5Words @midnight #NotReallyFunny

You don’t take credit cards? #ScaryStoriesIn5Words @midnight

CAPTION CENTRAL:

This would make more sense if the car were a Tiburon.

This would make more sense if the car were a Tiburon.

IHOP on Pop... IHOP on Car.

IHOP on Pop… IHOP on Car.

Cool story about a penis, but the real news: The James Bond Submersible Lotus is in a museum in Miami!!!!!!

Cool story about a penis, but the real news: The James Bond Submersible Lotus is in a museum in Miami!!!!!!

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BWAHAHA 10/18 – 10/24:

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 10/18 – 10/24: I spent all week in Pittsburgh, PA, mostly bored out of my mind. What kills me is not that I had to go there, but that my being there didn’t accomplish a damn thing. The facility didn’t get their side done and we didn’t get the job completed because of it – so now my ass has to travel back to Pittsburgh for a third fucking week. On the bright side, I found an amazing Vanilla flavor for my Vape! Vanilla Pseudo Custard from VapePGH Inc in Pittsburgh is the best vanilla flavored vape juice I have ever tried. It’s very close to a vanilla creamer and it’s awesomely smooth.

Why do we only use orange pumpkins for Halloween and for carving? And how in the fuck did I go through 43 years of life without ever knowing that there were different kinds, varieties and species of pumpkins? Thanks to some random fruit stand in Tennessee, I now know about all sorts of awesome pumpkin species that are much creepier looking than the plane-Jane orange variety we get at our grocery stores. Black, green, brown, grey, blue, red, and tons of swirls and patterns and weird growths, all make for some amazing pumpkins out there. We bought a Marina de Chioggia and White Boer to bring home with us. The Marina de Chioggia is just really creepy looking. I’ll throw a picture of the two pumpkins we bought below in “Other Stuff.”

On November 17th, comedian Carlos Valencia is coming to Huntsville, Alabama! The show is free and you should definitely come out and see Carlos. Carlos is fucking brilliant. Opening for Carlos is myself, Nate Bailie, Tom Hand, and Jonathan Craig with host Matthew Tate.

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OTHER STUFF:

New tag arrived today! Ready for the 2015 storm season!

New tag arrived today! Ready for the 2015 storm season!

Need to plunder something. Yes, bartender, I'll take a Me & Coke, please.

Need to plunder something. Yes, bartender, I’ll take a Me & Coke, please.

Enjoying some Captain and vape! #ForeverVaping

Enjoying some Captain and vape! #ForeverVaping

The Marina de Chioggia (top) and White Boer (bottom) pumpkins.

The Marina de Chioggia (top) and White Boer (bottom) pumpkins.

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATION:

Shorten the season, no more series games, five innings, add tackling, and let women play. #ImprovedBaseball @midnight

Replace the baseball with a Golden Snitch #ImprovedBaseball @midnight

No more delaying or postponing games for severe weather. Lightning is just Mother Nature yelling “You’re OUT!” #ImprovedBaseball @midnight

To steal a base you have to actually take the base with you. Tagging a player out is then called a petty theft. #ImprovedBaseball @midnight

Replace stadiums with a living room and a PS4. #ImprovedBaseball @midnight

Extend football season, get rid of baseball. #ImprovedBaseball @midnight

Whiffle Ball! #ImprovedBaseball @midnight

The catcher has to stand in a small plot of Rye. #ImprovedBaseball @midnight

The outfielders have to take a vacation far away with Josie. #ImprovedBaseball @midnight

Take Me Out to the Ball Game replaced by Row Row Row Your Boat. #ImprovedBaseball @midnight

#IfICouldTimeTravel I’d talk Hitler out of having a mustache. Maybe a goatee instead. @midnight

#IfICouldTimeTravel I’d teach Neal Armstrong how to moonwalk so he could do it on the moon. @midnight

#IfICouldTimeTravel I’d get in a lifeboat and steal Rose’s necklace after Jack drowns. @midnight

#IfICouldTimeTravel I’d find the mammal that survied the meteor impact 65 million years ago and kill it. @midnight

#IfICouldTimeTravel I’d get Emperor Xuanzong to yell “KAAAAHHHHHNNNNNNNN!” just as Ghengis entered the gates of Caizhou. @midnight

#IfICouldTimeTravel I’d change the books to call him Alexander the Okay. @midnight

#IfICouldTimeTravel I’d give jet engine technology to America in 1939. #FoxOne #SplashZero @midnight

#IfICouldTimeTravel I’d convince Mr. and Mrs. Black to get an abortion… on Friday. @midnight

#IfICouldTimeTravel I’d convert Jesus to Hare Krishna. Then handing out flowers at the airport would be normal. @midnight

#IfICouldTimeTravel I’d convince Monica to wear a red dress instead. @midnight

#IfICouldTimeTravel I wouldn’t change a thing. I’d just eat popcorn and enjoy the stupid humans show. @midnight

Jesus comes back and pulls an Oprah, “You get to live! You get to live! And you get to live! #LameApocalypses @midnight

The llama population skyrockets out of control, they eat all the vegetation. It’s the Llamapocalypse #LameApocalypses @midnight

The alien accidentally drops the snow globe containing our universe. #LameApocalypses @midnight

God farts again and a new universe is created inside our universe. Turns out physicists, it’s a flatuverse. #LameApocalypses @midnight

Zombies arrive, but they’re vegetarians and eat only GRAIINNNSSSS!!!!! #LameApocalypses @midnight

Muslims and Christians meet at Megido for the final battle of World Cup Soccer. #LameApocalypses @midnight

Scientist works out way to make penises bigger, but it eliminates testosterone in men: big penis, no sex drive. #LameApocalypses @midnight

Turns out gluten is what’s keeping the zombiepocalypse at bay. A hippie fad starts it all. #LameApocalypses @midnight

A new fungus affects and kills all coffee beans. #LameApocalypses @midnight

George Lucas decides to remake Episode III with an all new cast and super CGI. #LameApocalypses @midnight

Jesus returns with Hitler and says, “Everyone is forgiven!” Everyone flips Jesus off and go about their lives. #LameApocalypses @midnight

CAPTION CENTRAL:

We're all gonna die!!!!!!

We’re all gonna die!!!!!!

BWAHAHA: 9/20 – 9/26

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 9/20 – 9/26: This was a pretty boring week all in all. First, let me go on a bit of a rant for a second about the Flood Wall Street. Look, I support the idea behind Flood Wall Street, but it is suffering from the same problem that Occupy Wall Street suffered: lack of leadership. This idiotic idea that they have that there should be no leadership is just that: fucking idiotic. That’s the kind of idea that makes my fellow liberals look like crazies. Pick a few core values and messages so everyone stays on point, instead of having some random nut go on a rant about how the military should be banned completely, because that’s totally inline with the message of corporations doing more to help the environment. See, this is what killed Occupy… they didn’t have a core message and intent, and so they attracted all the nutters from the left (9/11 conspiracy theorists, anarchists, etc) and there was no consistent message for either the media or Wall Street to actually focus on. So did we learn that lesson? Apparently not. We’re supposed to be protesting corporations that aren’t doing anything about climate change and protecting natural resources. I am totally behind that message. But it was turned into anti-corporate nonsense, anarchism, anti-GMO, conspiracy theories, etc. There’s no clear or concise message and no true leadership, so a bunch of liberal nutters (yes, my fellow liberals, we have nutters as well) are there making fools of the entire effort. A movement requires leadership and direction that espouses the common core values of the varied opinions under it. When the varied opinions are allowed to have the lead voice, then the core values diminish. It’s the opposite problem of the common cliche: “Too many Indians and not enough Chiefs.”

And on the conservative side of stupidity this week: outrage over President Obama saluting while holding a coffee cup in his hand. This is a classic case of conservative outrage based on their complete ignorance. It’s fake outrage – just for the sake of outrage. None of them said a damn thing when President Bush saluted while holding something or when he did a half-assed salute. Gosh, I wonder why they’re only outraged at President Obama. Here’s a small quote from Snopes.Com over the issue (as a former military person myself, this is accurate), “According to standard military protocol, it is not appropriate for the President of the United States to return salutes from uniformed military personnel because, although the President holds the title of Commander-in-Chief of the U.S. armed forces, he is not himself a member of the military, nor does he wear a uniform. The tradition of U.S. presidents’ returning salutes is a fairly recent one which began with the administration of President Ronald Reagan in 1981.” So take your outrage and shove it back where it belongs. Oh, and stop voting against your best interest. Haven’t you noticed that the states with the worst healthcare, highest high school drop out rates, highest drug use, highest murder rates/capita, highest rape cases, etc. are all in states that are conservative? No? Oh, must be those rage blinders you have on preventing you from seeing actual facts.

Okay, I feel better…

OTHER STUFF:

Clearly 'Need for Speed' wants me to go chasing storms. Too bad there are none around me.

Clearly ‘Need for Speed’ wants me to go chasing storms. Too bad there are none around me.

I realized this weekend that I’ve mistakenly been using carpet cleaner as laundry soap. PRO side: clothes no longer have high traffic marks.

If the Falmer are blind, why do they have torches? ‪#‎GameLogic‬ ‪#‎Skyrim

It takes just as long to load a 20 square foot room as it does to load the entire world map. #GameLogic

I have no dog in tonight’s fight, but I’m gonna side with the Jets because I still haven’t forgiven the Bears for the Superbowl Shuffle.

Wait, did I really just see Hayden Christensen instead of David Prowse at the end of Return of the Jedi? That makes no sense!

Who did this? Who put Ghost Pepper powder in the water the pasta was boiling in? Oh yeah, that was me. #Brilliant

I have Chaser Cabin Fever: no storms for three weeks, and zero clouds for the past three days. All work and no play…

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS:

#ItsFallBecasue I just saw my first War On Christmas billboard. #ShotsFired @midnight

#ItsFallBecasue I can’t tell the strippers apart anymore because fall clothing is taking over. @midnight

#ItsFallBecasue I’m budgeting school lunches again. @midnight

#ItsFallBecasue Candy Corn is on sale at CVS. @midnight

#ItsFallBecasue Evangelical Christians are already making Trunk Or Treat plans to offset the Dark Lord’s Holiday. @midnight

#ItsFallBecasue orange and black clothes made by Indonesian children are on sale at Walmart. @midnight

#ItsFallBecasue white girls in yoga pants are ordering pumpkin spice lattes. @midnight

#ItsFallBecasue leaves are catching fire in my ride on mower’s belt. #BadFriction @midnight

#ItsFallBecasue there is Canadian geese shit in my back yard. @midnight

#ItsFallBecasue the cotton plantations in Mississippi and Alabama hired a bunch of illegals for less than minimum wage. #NotFunny @midnight

#ItsFallBecause the pool section at Walmart is only one shelf. @midnight

#ItsFallBecause ass cheeks are less visible at #PeopleOfWalmart @midnight

#ItsFallBecause the Earth’s Tilt is the Reason for the Season. Because science, beotches! @midnight

#ItsFallBecause bikinis are on sale for $2 and long-sleeved shirts are $85. #SupplyAndDemand @midnight

#ItsFallBecause schools are promoting “Fall Festivals” instead of Halloween Parties. #ImOffendedTooEasily @midnight

#ItsFallBecause because I can actually find a parking spot at Daytona Beach. @midnight

#ItsFallBecause the white plantation owners have new black employees. #NFL #NFLDraft #TooSoon @midnight

#ItsFallBecause the Australians say it’s Spring, and fuck the Australians. @midnight

#ItsFallBecause the Wiccans are suddenly in a good mood. @midnight

#ItsFallBecause the calendar says so, and calendars are always right, just like the Internet. Just ask Pope Gregory. @midnight

#ItsFallBecause my neighbors are complaining about me burning leaves. I gotta hear you fight, you can smell my leaves! @midnight

#ItsFallBecause meth dealers are preparing for indoor sales. #RollTide @midnight

#ItsFallBecause old men are taking off their sandals and putting shoes on their black socks instead. @midnight

#ItsFallBecause it’s 49 degrees in Maine and 86 degrees in Florida. @midnight

#ItsFallBecause Christmas sex babies are being born now. @midnight

LifeInTheSlowLane.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

OilOfOldAge.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

LegendOfZelder.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

AgingBull.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

mantique.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

vegeriatric.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

GoldenShowerAge.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

gerontophillia.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

grannytrannie.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

geezerteasers.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

OldMaidOfHonor.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

SpinsterHipster.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

antediluvian.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

GetOffMyGrass.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

Valhalla.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

BetterGoToChurchJustInCase.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

GraveyardShift.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

re-tired.goodyear.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

ElderlyPeopleMeet.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

YouBreathingTube.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

spinsterest.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

Instagranny.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

Imguriatrics.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

Huffingtonoxygenpost.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

Stumblr.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

Netaflixions.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

yelpIveFallenAndCantGetUp.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

Aol.com (Oh wait, that’s legit) #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

Microsoftpenis.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

Employment.Walmart.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

Buzzgavagefeed.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

Godaddyissues.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

Lifespandora.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

Dropdeadbox.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

Tripandfalladvisor.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

Deviantoldfart.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

Geriatricmail.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

Photobucketlist.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

Bloomersberg.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

dailynotinmotion.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

Stutterstock.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

Nordstromthurman.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

MedicalExaminer.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

4gran.org #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

Crackedhip.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

Liveleakinmydepends.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

CAPTION CENTRAL:

Wow, I didn't realize there were so many orphans in this city!

Wow, I didn’t realize there were so many orphans in this city!

Some tourists just have no respect for those of us wanting some peace and quiet!

Some tourists just have no respect for those of us wanting some peace and quiet!

Ten minutes into his routine, the male stripper realized it was the wrong car and the wrong customer.

Ten minutes into his routine, the male stripper realized it was the wrong car and the wrong customer.

#RedBox, so easy and fast you can pick up a new movie after you've realized you need a new movie while having sex.

#RedBox, so easy and fast you can pick up a new movie after you’ve realized you need a new movie while having sex.

I do believe this inflatable is suffering from prolapse.

I do believe this inflatable is suffering from prolapse.

For those really late term abortions...

For those really late term abortions…

BWAHAHA: 6/14 – 6/20

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 6/14 – 6/20: I spent another week in Jackson, MS. I thought drivers in other places were shitty drivers, but Jackson, MS drivers take the cake! And it’s not aggressiveness or normal stupidity, but it’s this laissez-faire attitude toward driving: doing 5-10 under the speed limit. I don’t get mad at people for doing the speed limit because I only do 5-7 above it normally. But for the love of whatever gods you don’t actually believe in, do the motherfucking speed limit! The minimum speed of 40 on the Interstate is actually too slow and dangerous. When you’re going that slow you’re creating a traffic hazard that forces people into the other lanes and that increases the chances of accidents. Oh, and if the person in front of you is doing 69 and you’re doing 70, you don’t fucking pass them for the next three miles doing 70 while traffic builds up behind you! You fucking go 75 and get in front of them and then go back to doing 70. Why is driving such a hard fucking concept for people? And it makes it worse because of my ATHEIST license plate, because I get boxed in by people trying to take pictures, see what an atheist looks like, or flip me off. I’ve seen so many people almost get into wrecks trying to get pictures of my license plate. Really people… it’s just a fucking license plate. Speaking of my plate, in September I’m changing it to VORTEX. I’m excited!

On a serious note: as many of you may already know, tornadoes destroyed a couple of towns in Nebraska this past week. The tornadoes that appeared were very unique and will be studied by scientists for a very long time. You can help those hit by this weather tragedy by donating to the American Red Cross.

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS

Cereal Killer Crunch: you’ll need a sharp knife to eat it #RuinaBreakfast #HSVComedy

Postal Pops: Go Postal Every Morning #RuinaBreakfast #HSVComedy

Rusty Wagon Wheels, with chocolate goo centers! #RuinaBreakfast #HSVComedy

Green Eggs & Ham is code for gonorrhea vaginal discharge. #RuinaBreakfast #HSVComedy

Humans: the Other White Meat #RuinaBreakfast #HSVComedy

I’ll have the Porky Pig Bacon and the Donald Duck Pâté. #RuinaBreakfast #HSVComedy

The restaurant has blue waffles on their menu. I don’t think that means what they think it means. #RuinaBreakfast #HSVComedy

Watching Game of Thrones in the morning. #RuinaBreakfast #HSVComedy

The one thing I thought third world countries had going for them was soccer. I guess not.

Smell of cologne gave away perps hiding place. Don’t wear cologne when committing crime. #COPS #LessonsLearned

Would I have spilled food on my shirt if I had not been trying to not spill food on my shirt? #LifePonderings

This was the most horridly awesome stupid disgusting funny crazy asininity I’ve ever seen. You should watch it.

Tons of cops in the hotel. Close the door very… very… very slowly and watch Netflix instead of going out to eat.

Parking Lot nudges a Skateboard, which spooks a 4-Wheeler, who swerves into the woods, where conveniently a bear is hiding. #TravelFun

The A/C in my car is broke. While hanging my head out the car window to cool down I couldn’t decide if I looked like a dog or Miley Cyrus.

CAPTION CENTRAL

I finally found a burkini I can support!

20140619a

“I’m adopted, right?”

20140619b

Introducing the new Vagilaser: because your Second Amendment Rights extend to every part of your body.

20140619c

Introducing the new economy class at rentboy.com.

20140619d

Never run out of toilet paper again!

20140620a