BWAHAHA: 6/14 – 6/20

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 6/14 – 6/20: I spent another week in Jackson, MS. I thought drivers in other places were shitty drivers, but Jackson, MS drivers take the cake! And it’s not aggressiveness or normal stupidity, but it’s this laissez-faire attitude toward driving: doing 5-10 under the speed limit. I don’t get mad at people for doing the speed limit because I only do 5-7 above it normally. But for the love of whatever gods you don’t actually believe in, do the motherfucking speed limit! The minimum speed of 40 on the Interstate is actually too slow and dangerous. When you’re going that slow you’re creating a traffic hazard that forces people into the other lanes and that increases the chances of accidents. Oh, and if the person in front of you is doing 69 and you’re doing 70, you don’t fucking pass them for the next three miles doing 70 while traffic builds up behind you! You fucking go 75 and get in front of them and then go back to doing 70. Why is driving such a hard fucking concept for people? And it makes it worse because of my ATHEIST license plate, because I get boxed in by people trying to take pictures, see what an atheist looks like, or flip me off. I’ve seen so many people almost get into wrecks trying to get pictures of my license plate. Really people… it’s just a fucking license plate. Speaking of my plate, in September I’m changing it to VORTEX. I’m excited!

On a serious note: as many of you may already know, tornadoes destroyed a couple of towns in Nebraska this past week. The tornadoes that appeared were very unique and will be studied by scientists for a very long time. You can help those hit by this weather tragedy by donating to the American Red Cross.

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS

Cereal Killer Crunch: you’ll need a sharp knife to eat it #RuinaBreakfast #HSVComedy

Postal Pops: Go Postal Every Morning #RuinaBreakfast #HSVComedy

Rusty Wagon Wheels, with chocolate goo centers! #RuinaBreakfast #HSVComedy

Green Eggs & Ham is code for gonorrhea vaginal discharge. #RuinaBreakfast #HSVComedy

Humans: the Other White Meat #RuinaBreakfast #HSVComedy

I’ll have the Porky Pig Bacon and the Donald Duck Pâté. #RuinaBreakfast #HSVComedy

The restaurant has blue waffles on their menu. I don’t think that means what they think it means. #RuinaBreakfast #HSVComedy

Watching Game of Thrones in the morning. #RuinaBreakfast #HSVComedy

The one thing I thought third world countries had going for them was soccer. I guess not.

Smell of cologne gave away perps hiding place. Don’t wear cologne when committing crime. #COPS #LessonsLearned

Would I have spilled food on my shirt if I had not been trying to not spill food on my shirt? #LifePonderings

This was the most horridly awesome stupid disgusting funny crazy asininity I’ve ever seen. You should watch it.

Tons of cops in the hotel. Close the door very… very… very slowly and watch Netflix instead of going out to eat.

Parking Lot nudges a Skateboard, which spooks a 4-Wheeler, who swerves into the woods, where conveniently a bear is hiding. #TravelFun

The A/C in my car is broke. While hanging my head out the car window to cool down I couldn’t decide if I looked like a dog or Miley Cyrus.

CAPTION CENTRAL

I finally found a burkini I can support!

“I’m adopted, right?”

Introducing the new Vagilaser: because your Second Amendment Rights extend to every part of your body.

Introducing the new economy class at rentboy.com.

Never run out of toilet paper again!

BWAHAHA: 12/7 – 12/13

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 12/7 – 12/13: I traveled to Florida this week to help my Dad move for his divorce. The day we leave I find out he’s reconciled and we’re going down to move all the stuff. Fickle bastard.  Then he ended up in the hospital… but that’s next week’s BWAHAHA.

12/7

Life is like a juice box: you don’t know how empty it is until you’re sucking on the last of it.

12/9

Sarah Palin, “Atheists are trying to abort Christ from Christmas.” Distraction working since we’re trying to abort Christ in general.

12/10

Make a book-based movie and viewers complain, “It wasn’t like the book!” Make it like the book and you get, “It’s too long and boring!”
Or “There’s too much walking!”

I think white Jesus may live in Tifton, GA. At least that was the impression I got from all the billboards with his picture on them.

12/11

I’ve already been greeted by a half naked woman pacing in the parking lot. Thank you Florida.

Life is like a vibrator: it can bring pleasure or pain, be gentle or rough, but ultimately the batteries die.

During the Happy Holidays, suicide rates go up. If you’re gonna go… go Happy!

I would say I’m bored off my ass, but I’m sitting on it, so I’m more bored on my ass.

My suicide note will read, “I did not commit suicide. I accidentally hung myself.” #LifeInsuranceStrategies

Oh no, I forgot to lock the shark cage and fell into the shark’s mouth! #LifeInsuranceStrategies

Uh-oh, I was driving too fast and accidentally drove off this 1,000 foot cliff into the an active volcano! #LifeInsuranceStrategies

12/12

Why is our culture afraid of young black men? Watching COPS we should be afraid of rednecks.

12/13

For a religion of homophobia, Christians certainly have a very homoerotic relationship with their Jesus.

That was a really tough conference call:

Blog Entry: Interesting License Plate

There’s only one way to solve the argument over the race of Santa Claus:

It never ceases to amaze me how easy it is to identify a FOX News viewer just from the stupid shit coming out of their mouth.

This week on Twitter (6/15 – 6/21)

This week on Twitter (6/15 – 6/21): Only one more month to go to get caught up! Woohoo!

6/15

Holy shit! Superman is an alien?!?!?! Yeah, we knew that, but Nolan made sure we fucking knew it!

#ItsNotAPartyWithout an ambulance showing up.

Sitting here pondering the irony of #TeamRape raping themselves politically.

6/16

Father’s Day always make me wonder how many children I have running around Europe.

Without the drug war, “COPS” would be five minutes of trailer park wife-beating and only air once a month.

Got excited when I saw “Top Hooker” on the TV Guide, only to be disappointed to find out it’s a fishing show.

6/17

To make sure I got it: Our education is not educational enough for the education of or educational sexist needs? #MissUtah What’d I miss?

6/19

Uh-oh, Obama took his jacket off, that means his American Flag isn’t visible anymore to those socialist Europeans.

James Gandolfini, he sleeps with the fishes.

You come to me, on my daughter’s wedding day, to tell me that James Gandolfini has died! No respect!

James Gandolfini has gone on to Where the Wild Things Are.

I heard that Jimmy Hoffa died today. Is that true?

6/21

Cooker, please! #PaulaDeen will be just fine, after all she’s really famous in The South.

A #Teabagger emails me asking how they can be racist if they have black supporters. Translation: I’m not racist, I have black friends!

#TalibanHitSongs Stone Dead Forever (by Motorhead)

#TalibanHitSongs Killing Stone (Hootie & the Blowfish)

#TalibanHitSongs Eyes Without a Face (Billy Idol)

#TalibanHitSongs Have You ever Seen Her Face (Byrds)

#TalibanHitSongs Women’s Prison (Loretta Lynn)

#TalibanHitSongs Satan Your Kingdom Must Come Down (Robert Plant)

A #JodiArias TV Movie? Didn’t we see enough of that loony bin on the 24/7 TV Show called CNN?

Zimmerman Jury: 5 white and 1 Hispanic or African-American… because they can’t say 5 white and 1 brown.

Breaking News: Jesus & the KKK forgive #PaulaDeen.

I guess I need to stop talking about being single on FB. Every ad is women looking for fat, bald, and old men.

It’s okay that #PaulaDeen said the N-word, because she followed it with, “Bless his heart.”

#PaulaDeen’s best recipe was her recipe for disaster.