BWAHAHA 4/25 – 7/17

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 4/25 – 7/17: Yeah, almost three months in one post. I don’t know why I fell so far behind, except that I was concentrating more on the my storm chasing in the last few months since it was storm “season” here in Alabama. I’ve actually been slacking big time on comedy. I’ve only done a couple of open mics and only one show. Whether or not that changes… we’ll see. Comedy isn’t a full-time adventure for me. I have no desire to leave Huntsville and go on national tours: it’s a hobby. That means I do it when I feel like it, not because I have to. With that said… here’s the last few months of the stuff I did do.

OTHER STUFF:

  • My favorite way to do the tip line.

    My favorite way to do the tip line.

  • I want to open a walk-in clinic in San Francisco and call it Baysick Care.
  • When you don't have a shredder, this is how you get rid of papers you can't throw away.

    When you don’t have a shredder, this is how you get rid of papers you can’t throw away.

  • Just got done watching E.T., which is the story of a young Jedi who gets left behind on Earth.
  • Intentional or unintentional? ‪#‎PlayingWithBalls‬

    Intentional or unintentional? ‪#‎PlayingWithBalls‬

  • Cory brought me back some Blue Flame Moonshine (128 proof). Can’t wait to pass out… I mean try it.
  • The cutest picture you'll ever see me take on the toilet. Diego can sure pick awkward times to get cuddly.

    The cutest picture you’ll ever see me take on the toilet. Diego can sure pick awkward times to get cuddly.

  • Study confirms what smart people and non-gullible people already knew.
  • My favorite Indian food is tacos.
  • I think Michael’s might be confused.
  • Mad Max did not give Furiosa permission to die.
  • Where's a wooden stake when you need one?

    Where’s a wooden stake when you need one?

  • From this point forward I will be referring to female Dr. Who fans as Whoters.
  • Clearly I'm playing too much ‪#‎Destiny

    Clearly I’m playing too much ‪#‎Destiny

  • Everyone says San Andreas is going to suck. However, it’s about earthquakes, so it gets a free suck pass in my book. Will see it tonight!
  • I'm gonna go with misspelled heresy cake. Burn in chocolate hell sinners! City Cafe, Huntsville

    I’m gonna go with misspelled heresy cake. Burn in chocolate hell sinners! City Cafe, Huntsville

  • I think The Mattress Firm needs some good competition, so I’m going to open a store across the street called The Mattress Soft.
  • Spent 20 minutes looking for my phone. Finally called it from Google Hangouts… and it vibrated in my pocket. Gonna be one of those days!
  • I have been asked for my receipt when leaving WalMart twice in two weeks. Did they change their policy to ask white people now?
  • Huntsville's MAGIC (Meteorological Avoidance of Ground Inclement Clouds) Weather Bubble seems to be working just fine today.

    Huntsville’s MAGIC (Meteorological Avoidance of Ground Inclement Clouds) Weather Bubble seems to be working just fine today.

  • If you’re a member of 78 groups and most of them are some form of buy/sell/trade group, I’m going to assume you’re a spammer and block you from my groups. Even if you’re not… sorry. ‪#‎GuiltyOfProfiling‬
  • “Girly Quotes” followed me on Twitter. Probably because I mentioned “wedding” in one of my Tweets. Boy is “Girly Quotes” in for a big surprise!
  • If my electric bill stays this high, I may have to convert to Amish.
  • When your GF’s not home and you can play your video game as loud as you want. Oh yeah…
  • I guess the cat's hungry.

    I guess the cat’s hungry.

  • My favorite Mexican restaurant is slowly replacing it’s male wait staff with females. I’m good with that, because I like Carne Asada Tacos.
  • Listening to crime docs: if you wanna kill someone, don’t get an insurance policy on them and don’t have an affair: dead giveaways of guilt.
  • One of the family members just introduced me to his family by calling me a “famous entertainer.” I’ll take that.
  • I just need to quit being on time. I’m sitting at a large table by myself again waiting for everyone else.
  • When you don’t have to show your ID because the bouncer recognizes you. I may come here too much.
  • Cute girl asks to sit at our table. Introduces herself to the guys. Flirts. 8 minutes later, introduces boyfriend as he walks up. ‪#‎Played
  • I’m always creeped out when someone recognizes me from FOX news, because that means they “really” pay attention to FOX News.
  • Number from Russia calls and hangs up when I answer. Is it a mail order bride, mafia, or Snowden?
  • Why does a Dr’s office that specializes in back injuries have shitty chairs and then makes you wait for two hours in those shitty chairs?
  • Something seems off here. Can't quite put my finger on it. Maybe I need to up my vitamin intake.

    Something seems off here. Can’t quite put my finger on it. Maybe I need to up my vitamin intake.

  • Blackhawk helicopters circling over the house. Maybe using “pressure cooker” & “explosive diarrhea” in same Tweet wasn’t such a good idea.
  • Ready to marry the happy couple. Beautiful day at the Botanical Gardens. I look like a rabbi with the Dr. Who scarf on. Whozel Tov!

    Ready to marry the happy couple. Beautiful day at the Botanical Gardens. I look like a rabbi with the Dr. Who scarf on. Whozel Tov!

  • Kenny Loggins’ Danger Zone could totally be retooled as a Storm Chaser anthem!
  • Tumblr is not working and no one is talking about it! WTF?!?!?!?! Wait… is Tumblr the new MySpace?
  • A bat just ran into my windshield. That had to hurt.
  • Getting ready to go see JAWS in a theater for its 40th anniversary. Woot!

    Getting ready to go see JAWS in a theater for its 40th anniversary. Woot!

  • Good grief! The seats at this theater are actually smaller than airplane economy seats. Um, hello, obesity epidemic! Upgrade your seats!
  • Scientists are talking about a possible sixth mass extinction. I’m cool with that as long as mosquitoes and gnats are included.
  • I think the Democrats should run a black female atheist lesbian Socialist hippie. Just for the giggles of watching conservatives react.
  • If WalMart removes all confederate flag products from shelves, then what will happen to the ‪#‎PeopleOfWalmart‬ web page? Let’s rethink this!!
  • Stores, cities, and states are removing the Confederate Flag. Showing my support by flying the real flag on my house.

    Stores, cities, and states are removing the Confederate Flag. Showing my support by flying the real flag on my house.

  • I will not read the comments on SOCTUS ruling. I will not read the comments on SOCTUS ruling. I will not read the comments on SOCTUS ruling.
  • Future Headline: 6/26/2020 – Five Years Later, Bigoted Preachers ‘Still’ Waiting on Government Letter Forcing Them to Perform Gay Marriage.
  • It can’t be a coincidence that gay marriage passes on the same day as National Beautician’s Day. It’s a conspiracy and I’m onto them!
  • Lightning to the right of me, gusting to the left, here I am, stuck in the middle with duds… stuck in the middle with duds. ‪#‎MotherNatureHatesMe‬
  • The biggest promoters of the confederate flag are often the ones to label people as “unamerican,” and yet they do the most unamerican thing possible: fly a flag that represents treason against the United States of America.
  • If conservatives spent 1/2 the energy on “shall not bear false witness” as they do on “no gay penis,” the GOP and FOX would cease to exist.
  • When one of your Sales reps finds out you were in the Navy as well and the five-minute checkup call on a facility becomes a two-hour Navy style bitch session. Because a bitchin’ sailor is a happy sailor!
  • Those two are so stupid, they’re derpendicular.
  • I think my girlfriend has a ningina, because I never see it coming.
  • They're selling an empty record for that much!

    They’re selling an empty record for that much!

  • Earlier today a wind gust almost knocked me over. My anemometer said 18mph. Clearly my anemometer is broke.
  • Messing with my neighbors. MAC address restrictions on, too! Are the drug dealers across the street sweating it?

    Messing with my neighbors. MAC address restrictions on, too! Are the drug dealers across the street sweating it?

  • Well, I suppose this means I need to throw The Dark Lord a housewarming party! Who’s in?!?!?!?
  • I’m not a fan of hippies, but fake pretentious hippies are the worst. I’m surrounded by them. They should perish from the earth.
  • The lavender smell too strong for you? Poor thing. At least I didn’t complain about your patchouli smelling body odor dripping stench. Jerk!

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS:

  • Today really sucks for test tube babies. #MothersDay
  • The only reason your mother should be at Chinese Buffet today is if she specifically said she wanted you to bring her. ‪#‎MothersDayFail‬
  • Today is Confederate Memorial Day, coincidentally celebrated by the three most uneducated states in the UNION. ‪#‎WrongSideOfHistoryAgain‬
  • Officer just pulled me over for 60 in a 45. Asked me about the weather and then told me to slow it down. ‪#‎WhitePrivilege‬ ‪#‎ChaserProblems‬
  • How many levels in Dante’s Inferno? Doesn’t matter, they’re all right here around me. Lol ‪#‎HippieHeadquarters‬ ‪#‎SomeoneSaveMe‬
  • I love solving games or puzzles on the last move or last second. It makes me feel like James Bond diffusing a bomb. ‪#‎LivingVicariously‬
  • I bet the Block feature on Facebook got a workout today! #GayMarriage

CAPTION CENTRAL:

  • I'm pretty sure that sign reads "Help Me."

    I’m pretty sure that sign reads “Help Me.”

  • WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!!!!!!!

    WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!!!!!!!

  • Gun safety? Never heard of it. t's like a mouse, just point an click, right?

    Gun safety? Never heard of it. t’s like a mouse, just point an click, right?

  • They see me rollin.' They hatin.' Patrolling they tryin' to catch me ridin' purty!

    They see me rollin.’ They hatin.’ Patrolling they tryin’ to catch me ridin’ purty!

  • Hey! Who ordered delivery?

    Hey! Who ordered delivery?

  • The little man in the canoe has no idea where the hurricane force winds are coming from.

    The little man in the canoe has no idea where the hurricane force winds are coming from.

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BWAHAHA: 6/7 – 6/13

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 6/7 – 6/13: I spent the week in a Mississippi jail. I’ve become the pawn of a Sheriff who thinks I’m the guy who is going to get him reelected. No, I’m not a prisoner being made an example of. I’m a contractor, who by completing the job in time, will make the voters happy enough to reelect a Sheriff. But see, that just means there’s enough voters out there who have family and friends in prison, that making them happy can mean a reelection. What does that say about 1) Mississippi, and 2) our Judicial system? When your reelection hinges on a single item you may want to consider how well you’re doing with the rest of your job. People should reelect you because you’re doing a good job, not because you accomplished a single thing.

While in Mississippi I’ve had a couple of run-ins with rednecks. One of them was literally a tit-for-tat conversation of, “At least in California we’re progressive,” “Yeah, well at least in Mississippi we don’t suck cocks,”

“No, you do suck cocks, you’re just afraid of homosexuality, so you beat the shit out of gays instead of admitting you’re gay.”

“Fuck you, you liberal hippie!”

“You’d like to, wouldn’t you, you gay Mississippian!”

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS

Four customers and three employees were all singing to the Village People’s YMCA playing on the radio in the BP gas station. #LifeGemstones

We wouldn’t be playing this keep passing reach other game if you would USE YOUR FUCKING CRUISE CONTROL! #IdiotDrivers

We only have one life to lose… so lose it well.

I now believe in God. I prayed for hot mustard to come back and it did. Not sure why he doesn’t answer prayers of starving kids in Africa.

20140608a

It’s 90 degrees outside and 96 degrees in the jail. Can I go outside now please?

What’s that? Lightning and wind and rain? Yeah… fuck going out to eat. Dominos.Com save the day!

Yesterday I lost 10lbs in sweat. Today I’m gaining 10 lbs from being soaked to the bone. #MississippiWeather

Why is the waitress calling me “darlin” when I’m clearly 20 years older than her? #TipPandering

Wow, did Virginia really just replace a crazy person with a crazier person? #CantorVsBrat

Of course the Tea Party candidate is named Brat. OF COURSE!

“Six minutes! Six minutes! Six minutes Doogie Howser is on!” #RuinaRapSong #HSVcomedy

Cantor gets rejected, Tea Party gets selected. The GOP is divided. Now we’re voting for crazier over crazy. #HSVcomedy #RuinaRapSong

Have you ever seen a party with whites on the mic. With one minute sound bites that don’t come out right? #HSVcomedy #RuinaRapSong #GOP

I saw the Sheriff, but I did not see the Deputy. #Jailin

GF asked, “What you guys talk about?” “Nothing.” “Really?” “Yeah, we’re dudes, our conversations are like three sentences long.”

Eric Can’tor

Explaining to MS native, “MS is ranked last in almost everything.” He responds, “Well, at least we’re not pussies down here.” #FairEnough

I can’t tell if I’m in the DMARC or a sauna. Computers love the heat, right?

Why does Popeye’s serve non-spicy chicken? If you want boring chicken, go to KFC.

CAPTION CENTRAL

Another friendly reminder to always be aware of your surroundings…

20140607a

And we wonder why the French hate us…

20140607b

North Korea announces invention of teleprompter to ensure citizens will say what the government wants them to say.

20140607c

I don’t know about you, but I prefer it when my farts speak in Mandarin or Siamese.

20140612c

Someone has a Boba Fettish.

20140612a

I went to Rome and all I got to see was the Fontana di Elderli.

20140612b

BWAHAHA: 3/15 – 3/21

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 3/15 – 3/21: This week has been a fun and hectic week for me. My girlfriend is trying to kill me with exercise. I keep telling her that she’s not on my life insurance policy, but she doesn’t seem to care. On the bright side, I’ve lost another 1/2” off my waist (or my ass, I can’t tell). Oh, and fuck you anti-vax morons for causing the Measles to come back to NYC.

3/16

Training today’s cheerleaders for tomorrow’s Zombiepocalypse.

20140316a

#Cosmos gonna piss off the Religious Wrong again. That happens when you live on faith instead of science.

Oh for fuck’s sake, will someone please kill Lizzy! #TWD (Oh, thanks, much appreciated!)

3/17

I miss California quakes. I don’t miss 24/7 news coverage of people who “lost a tile in their ceiling.”

I wonder if Fred Phelps will have a deathbed conversion… (like gay sex with a male nurse)

Wearing a condom during a fertility festival seems kinda blasphemous.

#earthquake and #luckoftheirish are both trending. Are those two things related?

I don’t know if Flight 370 was hijacked or not, but conspiracy theorists have certainly hijacked the story.

Why are you craning to go to war? What’s the rush, huh?

Politautoeroticasphyxiation: conservatives who don’t realize the GOP they love is actually strangulating them.

#TWD birthday gifts!

20140317a

Today me buddy O’Laden ‘n I formed Clan O’Kayda and we drank Irish Car Bombs all day!

3/19

Smurficide almost complete!

20140319c

Smurfette Gusher

“Pardon me, sir. Would you happen to have some Grey Poupon?”

20140318a

Critical Eye Podcast E042: If You’re Gonna Go Big… Go BigIkeComedy!

Someone needs an anger management class and an addiction rehabilitation center.

20140318b

Well, at least he’s wearing shirt and shoes… so he gets service.

20140319a

Republican Fire Department responds to a fire at a house owned by a “mooching non-tax-paying” citizen.

20140319b

3/20

I was surprised to find out that “The Best of the Cutting Crew” was more than just a CD Single.

If you want to celebrate Fred Phelps’ death, do it by signing petitions and getting involved in gay rights activism. [Not funny, just real.]

“It was cheaper than on the base,” stated LT Rogers.

20140320a

We do what we want… (photo by me)

20140320b

When you’re tired of enforcing the rules… (photo by me)

20140320c

Sweater vests should be de-regulated! #RepublicanHipster

“My beer already tastes like piss, so what’s a little de-regulation gonna do? ” – #RepublicanHipster

3/21

I’m amazed at how many people don’t know that the One Eyed One Horned Flying Purple People Eater is a penis.

Life can be tough for a lesbian left-handed albino midget Eskimo. (Props to those that get it.)

The more I think about it, the more GayOz Theory makes sense.

Okay, now the military is starting to creep me out…

20140321a

Creationists wanting to participate in Cosmos is like Kindergartners wanting to participate in College.

Creationists wanting to participate in Cosmos is like Mario Kart wanting to participate in the Indy 500.

Creationists wanting to participate in Cosmos is like garden slug wanting to participate in a Triathlon.

Creationists wanting to participate in Cosmos is like T-Ball wanting to participate in the NBA, MLB or whatever acronym represents baseball.

Gotta remember that I’m not 20 anymore. Let’s just say I’m not as flexible as I used to be.

I don’t think that sign means what the think it means. (photo by me)

20140321b

BWAHAHA: 3/8 – 3/14

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 3/8 – 3/14: Mother Nature was crazy this week down here in Alabama. In a 24-hour period I went from Air Conditioning to Heater and then back to Air Conditioning. Someone needs to punch Mother Nature in the ovaries.

3/8

Fuck it, it’s insured. Right? Wait, what do you mean it’s not insured!?!?!?!

20140308a

BLR 1:21; “Blair standeth at the pulpit with waving hands, he proclaimeth aloud, “Let there be cheese dip for all!

20140308b

3/9

I was on Burn The Boats talking about comedy and the Huntsville scene!

3/10

Consensus seems to be that the mating season should be in the Fall. So what would the human mating call be? I think (for men (and some women) it’ll be more like Peacocking: Spreading out they money in your wallet, fanning it out, and waving it around, while strutting in your finest clothes around your BMW.

You know, the more I think about, the more pissed I am that no one got me a Labia Menorah for Hanukkah!

3/11

Might want to see a doctor about that explosive ass of yours. Doctor visit is likely cheaper than all those patches.

20140311a

Training young Republicans to participate in American healthcare…

20140311b

“He’s got the whole world, in his jazz hands!”

20140311c

In honor of #Cosmos, check out The Critical Eye Podcast we did with Neil deGrasse Tyson!

20140311d

3/12

One thing the Malaysian crash has taught us: if we ever go to war with Malaysia, they’ll never find our submarines.

Seductive Delusions: How Everyday People Catch STDs, by Jill Grimes #SpringBreakBooks

Wow… the wind here is blowing harder than Snookie!

A hospital is not being “put to the test” when they are treating three patients. Stupid journalists.

And she wonders why she’s still single… #Housekeeping

20140312a

New Libertarian dentist office.

20140312b

Humans… the other white meat.

20140312c

Don Lemon has never seen anything like this (#HarlemExplosion)? Really? Umm… 9/11 anyone?

Pinkies up!

20140312d

Oh yeah! #TWD birthday!

20140312e

3/13

1988 like a MOFO! I miss that outfit. #TBT

20140313b

Used to get blue: now depression, sad: now bipolar, excited: now ADHD, jock itch: oh, still jock itch.

I wonder if anyone stuffed her ballot box? On a serious note, what were her parents thinking?

20140313a

3/14

To celebrate Pi day, I’m going to eat cake. Because fuck math.

BWAHAHA: 2/8 – 2/14

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 2/8 – 2/14: This week was the week of the cock teasing Snowmageddon. It kept threatening to snow in Alabama (again). The models kept changing and it kept being delayed. And businesses shut down for no snow. And then… it finally happened. Mother Nature proved herself to be the MILF she is and just dumped it all over us. Then it melted the next morning. Oh well… back to work in Alabama.

2/8

In the grocery store: amazing ass in yoga pants in front of me. Turns the corner… it’s a dude. Vomit cleanup in aisle 6, please!

2/9

Greenpeace is stupid sometimes. I have fond memories of hosing them down from a Navy ship.

Damn, did I really just spend the last 1.5 hours editing my GameFly queue? Yep… guess I did.

Grocery store is packed. Must be a storm coming. Idiots.

Carl. #Winning #TigerBlood #TWD

Mmmmm, chocolate puddin’! #TWD

2/10

Sometimes poor Japanese translations make perfect sense when the sign is hung in the right place.

20140210a

Great White South

Navy Atheist & Gay Jesus

NSA & FBI Job Security

Snowmageddon in 3, 2… okay in 5, 4, 3, 2… okay in 10, 9, 8, 7, 6… oh fuck it.

The snow just told me, “I find your lack of faith disturbing!” I replied, “I find your lack of evidence disturbing!”

20140210b

Just noticed that if you take almost all anti-government conspiracies and replace government with GOP, it sounds legit.

If the terrorist bomb teacher accidentally blows up his class, does the virgins he get match the number of fingers he has left?

Def Leppard’s “Snowmageddon” is on the Hysteria album, right?

2/11

Public farting… sometimes it just works.

20140211a

“Here, let me get that for you.”

20140211b

Bin Laden, bomb, backpack, explosives, Allah, Taliban, and Great Satan. Doing my part to keep NSA agents employed.

The Good Ship Lollipop struck an iceberg and sank.

“Yeah, but are you gettin’ it? Snowmageddon it! Ooh, really gettin’ it? – Yes, Snowmaggedon it!” – Deaf Snowleopard

Damn you GPS!

20140211c

They’re gonna need a bigger boat.

20140211d

2/12

OMFSM! The Rugrats predicted the Fleshlight!

20140212b

In places where insurance isn’t required (or Libertarians are in charge).

20140212c

Listening to the local news anchors describe the snow. Sounds like they’re describing sex. Innuendos falling faster than snow.

Every time you walk on snow… you’re just like Jesus!

If I had known my Chromecast had arrived in the mail today, I would have trudged out in the snow earlier.

2/13

With all the ice and snow out there, it took me a little bit of extra time to get to my office this morning. (a joke for those people who know what I do and where I do it)

Pretty people can still go fast, though…

20140213a

My ex-wife just said, “I’m so glad I have you as an ex and not some douche who will screw me over.” I gotz cred!

I’m 42-years-old and I still cut the crust off my sandwiches. That’s so (5-year-)Old School!

2/14

Doing 183 MPH down the I-88 in the fog. Why? It’s amazing and I can respawn if I crash.

I’m convinced Valentine’s Day was invented by a single person so they’d have an excuse to rail against couples for one day.

“Wrong hole! Wrong hole!”

20140214a

Manscaping 101: First, apply shaving cream.

20140214b