BWAHAHA 11/8 – 11/14:

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 11/8 – 11/14: Mostly a slow week for me outside of work. That may have been because I spent all day and into the evenings with actual fucking work. My boss decided I needed another nine facilities to work on top of the massive one that’s still giving us fits. While I appreciate your confidence in my skills… FUCK OFF!

And don’t forget on 11/17 starting at 8 pm at Maggie Meyer’s Irish Pub in Huntsville, Alabama: It’s Carlos Valencia!!! Opening up for Carlos are myself, Tom Hand, Nate Bailie, and Jonathan Craig with host Matthew Tate. This show is FREE!!!! Getting Carlos into Huntsville, Alabama is a major treat – so don’t miss out on this one. Get your ass down to Maggie Meyer’s on 11/17 for Carlos Valencia!

OTHER STUFF:

• It’s that time of year again… when I have to type the word “gifts” a lot. My brain thinks gifts, but it always types “figts.” #StupidBrain

• 

  Thank you Facebook, for finally making my dreams come true…

• House just got hit with a couple of pretty good shock waves. No smoke. No fireballs. No sirens. #FuckingAliens
• I almost had a heart attack as I think I’m $240 short… then I realize they still owe me $1,800. #SecondLooksSaveLives
• We’re the only white people in a Korean restaurant. That means we chose correctly. #GreatEats
• Thank you Internet, for teaching me how to use chopsticks in three seconds.
• It’s too cold to wait for the crosswalk light. Cars have heaters: you can wait while I cross the street in the cold. #alwx #HSV
• If this waitress’ yoga pants were any tighter, I could tell you how many eggs she had left in her ovaries.
• Southern Comfort’s Vanilla Spice Egg Nog is at stores now…. so much for my diet.
• It’s so cold outside, I got a brain freeze from breathing.
• Any store that airs a Christmas commercial or puts up Christmas decorations before Thanksgiving automatically loses my business. I get selling Christmas shit: there’s a good market for it, but you don’t have to put up the fucking Christmas trees and lights and you definitely don’t need to playing motherfucking Jingle Bells on your Muzak machine. So essentially… I won’t be shopping anywhere and will die of starvation, because every motherfucking store I go into is violating this rule. UGH!

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATION:

• Eugene was playing with his book worm. #TheWalkingDead
• Voyeurism is not a science. #NotAScientist #TheWalkingDead

#HASHTAGWARS @MIDNIGHT

• Mariah Heep Carey #RuinA90sBand @midnight #RuinA70sBandWhileYoureAtIt
• Green Day-O (The Banana Boat Band) #RuinA90sBand @midnight
• Liberian ReFugees #RuinA90sBand @midnight
• Ice Cubism #RuinA90sBand @midnight
• Liz Phairomone #RuinA90sBand @midnight
• Korn Pops Cereal #RuinA90sBand @midnight
• The Flaming Hips Don’t Lie #RuinA90sBand @midnight
• YOLO La Tengo #RuinA90sBand @midnight
• Dammit, Janet! Jackson #RuinA90sBand @midnight

• Camilla the Choked Chicken #RejectedMuppets @midnight
• Floyd Red Hot Chili Pepper #RejectedMuppets @midnight
• Honey Foo-Foo #RejectedMuppets @midnight
• Marvin “Big Kaboom” Suggs #RejectedMuppets @midnight
• Mickey Mooseknuckles #RejectedMuppets @midnight

CAPTION CENTRAL

WWIII in 5… 4… 3… 2….

 

As long as it’s under adult supervision… it’s just fine.

 

You’re not fooling anyone Doraville… that’s not a rescue vehicle.

 

Wait, shouldn’t he be wearing a gerbil costume?

 

If men gave birth… what would that kinda look like?

 

Down in Florida is a new trendy store for seniors called Hot Tropics.

 

BREAKING NEWS: A FOX News Viewer allows us to view them in their bubble.

BWAHAHA 11/1 – 11/7:

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 11/1 – 11/7: How is it I went 43 years in life without ever encountering the different varieties of pumpkins? We get stuck with these silly orange ones every year, when there are a ton of creepier and better pumpkin species out there! The Jarrahdale, Marina de Chioggia, Queensland Blue, Old Boer White, Cotton Candy, etc are all creepier (or cooler) looking than the standard orange pumpkins. Thank you random fruit stand in Tennessee for introducing me to black, blue, white, gray, green, brown, beige, red, and so many swirls and patterns of pumpkins that I had never seen or encountered before.

I don’t watch the news anymore. But based on the posts of friends, I should probably be really fucking pissed right now. But I’m not, because I truly no longer give a shit. I have decided that people are going to continue to fuck themselves over and there’s not a damn thing I or anyone else can do about it. Rational people just don’t have the motivation for voter turnout because we don’t have the giant thrusting dildos of gods, gays, and guns up our asses. Nor do we have the stupid emotionality (yeah, I made that fucking word up, get over it) of anti-abortion, pro-creationism, pro-pray at every thing regardless of who you offend nonsense in us to motivate us to vote for people who take advantage of those very emotions, but in the long run fuck us over, but we’ll ignore it, because they hate gays and think global warming is fake like we do. So yep… let ’em fuck over the country and I’ll sit in my house and watch. And when they’re ready to join the adult world, where reality is kind of a thing, I’ll be ready to help.

Also, don’t forget to mark your calendars and come on out on November 17th at 8 pm to Maggie Meyers’ in Huntsville for awesome comedian Carlos Valencia! Opening up for Carlos is me, Tom Hand, Nate Bailie, and Jonathan Craig with your host Matthew Tate. The show is FREE!!!!

OTHER STUFF:

Marina de Chioggia & Old Boer White pumpkins we bought in Tennessee

I’m pretty sure the guy in the hotel room adjacent to me has Ebola.

Didn’t use the heater in the car the entire time in Pennsylvania. Come home to Alabama, heater is on full heat. Brrrrrrr

Swingers’ clubs should expect an uptick after husbands convince their wives to “do it for their health.”

I had to mow the lawn before lunch in a jacket, hat, and gloves. Yes, the grass needed it. Bonus: no leaves to rake now. #alwx #HSV

After numerous searches on the Internet, I have concluded that I have Ebola. The Internet is never wrong. I’m searching on FOX News. They never lie. Ever. Not once. Not in a million years. Nope. Not FOX.

The dog was literally eating a piece of her own shit. A full piece, in her mouth, chomping on it. I think I’m going to vomit now.

My health insurance deductible is going up to $1,000. I never have $1,000. That means I no longer have health insurance.

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATION:

Beth “Mean Joe” Greene #TheWalkingDead

I’ve never been asked to show my receipt when walking out of Walmart. #WhitePrivilege

#HASHTAGWARS @MIDNIGHT:

Bud Lite Abbott #RuinAComedian @midnight

Kirstie Back Alley #RuinAComedian @midnight

‘Lil John Belushi #RuinAComedian @midnight

George Bush Burns #RuinAComedian @midnight

John Eye Candy #RuinAComedian @midnight

Charlie Manson Chaplin #RuinAComedian @midnight

Sacha Baron Münchhausen Cohen #RuinAComedian @midnight

Weird Al Yanksonit #RuinAComedian @midnight

Big Gulp Revolution #NYCIn3Words @midnight

Always Wear Shoes #NYCIn3Words @midnight

Gentrification Geriatrification Gangification #NYCIn3Words @midnight

It’s New Amsterdam! #NYCIn3Words @midnight

Glacial Deposit Land #NYCIn3Words @midnight #BecauseSCIENCE

Sandy Blew Me #NYCIn3Words @midnight

Fucking 9/11 Tourists #NYCIn3Words @midnight

Parks Were Cemeteries #NYCIn3Words @midnight

Commuting’s A Bitch #NYCIn3Words @midnight

Einstein’s Eyeballs Here! #NYCIn3Words @midnight

Catcalling A Sport #NYCIn3Words @midnight

CAPTION CENTRAL:

Republican Fire Department

“Who wants to come sit next to me? Barry? Gerry? Larry? Teri? C’mon, don’t be shy boys!”

Here honey, let me get that for you…

Wait, when did Pope Ratzinger have a kid?

BWAHAHA: 6/21 – 6/27

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 6/21 – 6/27: I spent another week on the road. This time I had my CB installed. Listening to truckers talk politics can make one’s head spin around Exorcist style. While stuck in a construction brake-check and highway crawl, the truckers started going on and on about how we needed Bush back in the office so he could solve the current crisis in Iraqi and how Obama was fucking it all up. Yeah, because Bush totally fixed that shit during the time he was in office. Not to mention, wasn’t it Bush that put us there and kicked over the game board in the first place? It never ceases to amaze me how facts simply fail to enter the minds of ultra-conservatives. How can someone believe so strongly in an ideology that they simply ignore contradictory facts or dismiss them as conspiracy? And that’s not just a conservative issue. My fellow liberals have the same issue to deal with when it comes to things like “organic” food, anti-GMO hysteria, anti-vaccination nonsense, etc. The world is a stupid place: hence comedy.

Now I’m off to a week vacation in the Ozarks (thanks to my Dad for staying at my house while I’m gone). I’ll get to canoe down rivers and enjoy the mountains. I’ll also get to meet my girlfriend’s entire family for the first time. Not just her parents: her entire family. At once. At the same time. Someone hold me…

OTHER STUFF

I guess it’s time to start wearing these t-shirts again…

Or maybe I’ll wear this t-shirt instead…

My hotel room is ridiculous. I feel like I should be hosting a party or a meeting.

Laptops are so overrated at McDonald’s! #SeniorLiving

My new article in The Rocket Wrangler: Huntsville Hospital’s Medical Mall Weighs TV Options After FOX News Fight

Just gonna watch the world burn! Italian landfill was allowed to burn because it would create more space. 1994. #TBT

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS

Some people like to go on a pubcrawl, but I really love me some pubstep!

The North Alabama Storm Chasers Association is one R word away from being 100% ‘Bama.

Me, “What’s the difference between the small and large cheese dip?”
Waitress, “The size.”
Yep, we’ll get along just fine.

I was going to make a storm chasing logo with STORMIN’ and two lightning bolt symbols, then realized people might mistake me for a Nazi.

Vacation starts in 8 hours. By vacation I mean working from the Ozarks. By Ozarks I mean 15 miles north of WalMart HQ. By that I mean Hell.

CAPTION CENTRAL

We should do this when we go to Atlanta next time so we’ll have plenty of spare tires.

Some local governments take their library books entirely too seriously.

I wonder why only men are taking this art class? Or is it an OB/GYN training session?

I don’t believe that sluts exist, but in this case I might have to make an exception. #OverBillionsServed

Again… always be aware of your surroundings.

If you’re going to tag someone’s car in anger, at least spell the damn word right!

The Not-So-Smartcar.

I guess what they say is true, “Everyone wants to rule the Iron Throne,” even the Queen Mum.

Last known photo taken of Bill.

BWAHAHA: 5/31 – 6/6

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 5/31 – 6/6: I’m trying a new format this week to see how I like it. Instead of listing everything by the day I posted it, I’m combining all the captioned pictures, twitter jokes, and “other” into separate categories. Let’s see how this looks and goes. I’m digging the captioning already instead of the words above the pictures.

I participated in the Alright Bayou Comedy Show on 6/6 and had a great time. Thanks to comedians Matthew Tate and Nate Bailie for the invite and hosting. For more information about shows, open mics, and other comedy stuff in the Huntsville area, check out hsvcomedy.com!

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OTHER STUFF (Yeah, OTHER goes before everything else)

Check out my new article on the Rocket-Wrangler, Area Storm Chasers Disappointed by Severe Weather Season

The newest episode of The Critical Eye Podcast, with guest comedian Ian Harris, is now available in the archive. E044: Republicans, Racists, and Teabaggers; Oh My!

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS

The scariest part of #Maleficent was the teaser for the new #Cinderella movie being released in 2015.

Headline: “Pakistani police probed for being ‘silent spectators’ in stoning death.”
I hope they mean the “probed” I’m thinking of.

Alabamians voted today, once again proving how stupid they are.

Someone do a mash up of Pet Shop Boys’ “Opportunities” and Blood Hound Gang’s “Bad Touch.” It’ll be awesome!

Thanks to a flat tire at midnight in Atlanta, I now have $6 until payday. Hey, if McDonald’s employees can do it…

This was me in 1953: ____
#TBT Before I was born, I was nothing and I didn’t notice, and so it shall be when I die.

I was thinking Obama should have traded weapons for the hostage, then I remembered Reagan already gave the Taliban weapons. #GOPocrisy

CAPTION CENTRAL

Wanna prove you’re rich in China on dating profile sites? Show that you can purchase McDonald’s french fries!

He’s not just selling vegetables, he’s promoting #SouthernEducation.

And on this day, Tommy began going through puberty.

Remember to always be aware of your surroundings. #LifeLessons

Does this count as a selfie? #ClubSexting

Grandpa is so busted! Just because you have earbuds in, doesn’t mean the world actually goes away.

“Hey Aziz, I’m beginning to like this Great Satan. How about you?”

Tonight on ESPN, the Wonderful World of Balletsketball!

Wasatch School District (Utah) announces new girl’s dress code for the 2014/15 school year.

Turning water into wine was no biggie, but Jesus couldn’t turn water into beer. Jesus still has to do beer runs.

He’s gonna get a parking ticket!

Ever since Bane went all artistic, he just isn’t as threatening.

Here we see a child being trained in the ways of FOX News.

Papa’s got a brand new bag!

The Teletubbies, now 17-years-old, being all douchey and hipstery.

Another friendly reminder to be aware of your surroundings.

BWAHAHA: 2/15 – 2/21

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 2/15 – 2/21: This was actually a pretty fun week for me. I got my new speakers in (600W). I hooked them up to the PS3 and the whole house shakes when I throw a grenade. And for karaoke: one speaker for the music and mics now! The great thing is that I only have to turn the volume up to ¼ of the wattage to hear the music everywhere in the house. My neighbors are going to hate me after a while.

I finally got Last Of Us from GameFly. I was worried that it was going to be one of those stupid “smash this button to help the movie continue” games, but it’s pretty interactive. And it is a beautiful game. The graphics are amazing. It does bring up a lot of morality issues to think about in a post-apocalypse world. One thing, it definitely reinforced my view about having kids around during the Zombiepocalypse and why that’s a bad idea. Conveniently, so did Sunday’s episode of The Walking Dead. Just use kids as zombie bait.

2/15

My brain still hurts from the pseudoscientific bullshit coming spouted by the woman at the table next to mine at lunch.

Someone told me not to start what I can’t finish. Wrong, you have to leave it unfinished so the person is like, “WTF just happened?”

2/16

Ready for my Sunday dose of #pudding. #TWD

I brought chocolate #pudding to our #TWD screening.

It’s always fun to watch people get into Internet fights over subjective shit. “The TV show I like is better than the one you like!”

World’s tallest mermaid photographed off Australian coast.

I use it enough that I officially added the word “Zombiepocalypse” to my computer’s dictionary. No more red line!

2/17

I can’t wait for it to get hot again so that Fox News will conveniently stop talking about global warming. #ScienceDenyingMorons

It took over an hour conversation to decide where to eat. And then the decision was Hardee’s. #FirstWorldProblems

That awkward moment when Match.Com recommends your ex. Umm….

I’m glad you have friends, but I can’t tell which one is you in your dating site picture.

Oh look, a picture of a dog on your dating site profile! So that’s what you look like!

Really, you put a picture of you and your ex hugging on your dating profile? Maybe you should just go back to him.

Just what I wanted to see on your dating profile: a meme! That’s great! You know this isn’t Facebook, right?

2/19

A colorful map of the South that doesn’t involve snowfall? Cool! WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!!!!

What’s the matter, kitten, you don’t like a human’s ass in YOUR face?

2/20

After someone tried to hack my Facebook, I changed my password to “upyourshacker.” Oh wait… shit…

Go and buy these awesome t-shirts and help support local comedy in Huntsville, AL. (Hey, my name’s on there!)

Someone just complained that CGI made movies look like video games. Yeah, because watching puppets was better.

It gets warm for one day and the bugs are fucking like there’s no tomorrow.

Did anyone else get the memo that we’re testing Libertarianism this week by salting our own roads after the snow?

Libertarian Fire Department responds to a grass fire.

Of course the cell I’m chasing to photograph lightning goes tornadic. Of course!

2/21

If your idea requires woo to promote it, then it just might be wrong.

Sunbathing, city style.

We’re all gonna die!

Thanks to a friend’s typo, I may not be able to look at his Mom with a straight face ever again.

Thinking about changing my personalized license plate to ZOMBIE. #MidLifeCrisis

Know what I miss most about Syria? The weekend Burqa Raids at the women’s sorority houses at University.

Grandpa got busted!

Mike says Sully’s been jealous of his face since the 4th grade, but they met at Monsters University! #SpaceTimeContinuum