BWAHAHA: 6/28 – 7/4

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 6/28 – 7/4: I spent the week in Bella Vista, Arkansas. Bella Vista is near Bentonville, which is the corporate headquarters of Walmart. The influence of Walmart in the area is problematic as far as I can see, but when you’re immersed in it and Walmart pulls the wool over the resident’s eyes with cool stuff, then it’s hard to convince anyone living there of the horribleness that is Walmart. And if you visit their “quaint” museum, everything you need to know in order to hate Walmart is in plain sight, but cleverly written as propaganda to make it sound good. Walmart aside, the main reason I would never want to live there is too many Q-Tips driving slow on the road. I call them Q-Tips because the only thing you see is the puff of white cotton sticking up over the seat of the car in front of you that’s going 10 MPH below the speed limit or that has stopped 100 feet short of the white line at the red light because their depth perception is so fucking gone they think they’re on the damn white line.

We did have some fun up there, though. My girlfriend and I went canoeing down the Elk River. It took over three miles for her to figure out the physics of steering, after slamming us into trees, shallows, rocks, shores, and then tipping us over in the rapids. I thought it was just me, but then I noticed tons of men shaking their heads as the women steered them into the trees. By the end of the day I couldn’t decide if they were that dense or were doing it on purpose just to irritate us.

On a side note, I created a new group on Facebook for storm chasers in the North Alabama area. If you’re a storm chaser in the North Alabama area, join the group to post pictures, videos, share ideas, ask questions, etc.

OTHER STUFF

If you’re going to make something erect, it’s easier if you’re bare and a hussey.

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The Walmart Museum has all the info necessary to hate Walmart, it’s just hidden among good propaganda.

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Because it’s July 4th, I wore a British Punk band t-shirt to the picnic. #MURICA

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140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS

Facebook just recommended Rick & Bubba to me. I know they talk about me now and then, but c’mon Facebook! #AlgorithmFAIL

T Minus 1 Hour until vacation is launched! One week in the Ozarks. Oh wait, the Ozarks is in Arkansas. Umm… I’m excited, right? RIGHT?

I’m going to create a peanut butter flavored blow job lubricant and call it Nutter Butter.

Figuring out how to get this tree down safely has me stumped.

I want to make a Hobby Lobby joke, but the joke’s already on the American people. #AmericanTaliban

I love how the “We’re gonna get up early and go to the gym” crowd is still asleep. #Vacation

I’m at the intersection of Spanker Rd and Plentywood Rd in Bentonville, Arkansas. That’s now my new porn name: Spanker Plentywood.

Grandpa is driving so slow, he just got cutoff by a jogger. True story. Just happened.

BWAHAHA: 5/31 – 6/6

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 5/31 – 6/6: I’m trying a new format this week to see how I like it. Instead of listing everything by the day I posted it, I’m combining all the captioned pictures, twitter jokes, and “other” into separate categories. Let’s see how this looks and goes. I’m digging the captioning already instead of the words above the pictures.

I participated in the Alright Bayou Comedy Show on 6/6 and had a great time. Thanks to comedians Matthew Tate and Nate Bailie for the invite and hosting. For more information about shows, open mics, and other comedy stuff in the Huntsville area, check out hsvcomedy.com!


OTHER STUFF (Yeah, OTHER goes before everything else)

Check out my new article on the Rocket-Wrangler, Area Storm Chasers Disappointed by Severe Weather Season

The newest episode of The Critical Eye Podcast, with guest comedian Ian Harris, is now available in the archive. E044: Republicans, Racists, and Teabaggers; Oh My!

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS

The scariest part of #Maleficent was the teaser for the new #Cinderella movie being released in 2015.

Headline: “Pakistani police probed for being ‘silent spectators’ in stoning death.”
I hope they mean the “probed” I’m thinking of.

Alabamians voted today, once again proving how stupid they are.

Someone do a mash up of Pet Shop Boys’ “Opportunities” and Blood Hound Gang’s “Bad Touch.” It’ll be awesome!

Thanks to a flat tire at midnight in Atlanta, I now have $6 until payday. Hey, if McDonald’s employees can do it…

This was me in 1953: ____
#TBT Before I was born, I was nothing and I didn’t notice, and so it shall be when I die.

I was thinking Obama should have traded weapons for the hostage, then I remembered Reagan already gave the Taliban weapons. #GOPocrisy

CAPTION CENTRAL

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Wanna prove you’re rich in China on dating profile sites? Show that you can purchase McDonald’s french fries!

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He’s not just selling vegetables, he’s promoting #SouthernEducation.

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And on this day, Tommy began going through puberty.

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Remember to always be aware of your surroundings. #LifeLessons

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Does this count as a selfie? #ClubSexting

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Grandpa is so busted! Just because you have earbuds in, doesn’t mean the world actually goes away.

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“Hey Aziz, I’m beginning to like this Great Satan. How about you?”

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Tonight on ESPN, the Wonderful World of Balletsketball!

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Wasatch School District (Utah) announces new girl’s dress code for the 2014/15 school year.

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Turning water into wine was no biggie, but Jesus couldn’t turn water into beer. Jesus still has to do beer runs.

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He’s gonna get a parking ticket!

Ever since Bane went all artistic, he just isn't as threatening.

Ever since Bane went all artistic, he just isn’t as threatening.

PUBLISHED by catsmob.com

Here we see a child being trained in the ways of FOX News.

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Papa’s got a brand new bag!

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The Teletubbies, now 17-years-old, being all douchey and hipstery.

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Another friendly reminder to be aware of your surroundings.

BWAHAHA: 2/8 – 2/14

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 2/8 – 2/14: This week was the week of the cock teasing Snowmageddon. It kept threatening to snow in Alabama (again). The models kept changing and it kept being delayed. And businesses shut down for no snow. And then… it finally happened. Mother Nature proved herself to be the MILF she is and just dumped it all over us. Then it melted the next morning. Oh well… back to work in Alabama.

2/8

In the grocery store: amazing ass in yoga pants in front of me. Turns the corner… it’s a dude. Vomit cleanup in aisle 6, please!

2/9

Greenpeace is stupid sometimes. I have fond memories of hosing them down from a Navy ship.

Damn, did I really just spend the last 1.5 hours editing my GameFly queue? Yep… guess I did.

Grocery store is packed. Must be a storm coming. Idiots.

Carl. #Winning #TigerBlood #TWD

Mmmmm, chocolate puddin’! #TWD

2/10

Sometimes poor Japanese translations make perfect sense when the sign is hung in the right place.

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Great White South

Navy Atheist & Gay Jesus

NSA & FBI Job Security

Snowmageddon in 3, 2… okay in 5, 4, 3, 2… okay in 10, 9, 8, 7, 6… oh fuck it.

The snow just told me, “I find your lack of faith disturbing!” I replied, “I find your lack of evidence disturbing!”

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Just noticed that if you take almost all anti-government conspiracies and replace government with GOP, it sounds legit.

If the terrorist bomb teacher accidentally blows up his class, does the virgins he get match the number of fingers he has left?

Def Leppard’s “Snowmageddon” is on the Hysteria album, right?

2/11

Public farting… sometimes it just works.

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“Here, let me get that for you.”

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Bin Laden, bomb, backpack, explosives, Allah, Taliban, and Great Satan. Doing my part to keep NSA agents employed.

The Good Ship Lollipop struck an iceberg and sank.

“Yeah, but are you gettin’ it? Snowmageddon it! Ooh, really gettin’ it? – Yes, Snowmaggedon it!” – Deaf Snowleopard

Damn you GPS!

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They’re gonna need a bigger boat.

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2/12

OMFSM! The Rugrats predicted the Fleshlight!

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In places where insurance isn’t required (or Libertarians are in charge).

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Listening to the local news anchors describe the snow. Sounds like they’re describing sex. Innuendos falling faster than snow.

Every time you walk on snow… you’re just like Jesus!

If I had known my Chromecast had arrived in the mail today, I would have trudged out in the snow earlier.

2/13

With all the ice and snow out there, it took me a little bit of extra time to get to my office this morning. (a joke for those people who know what I do and where I do it)

Pretty people can still go fast, though…

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My ex-wife just said, “I’m so glad I have you as an ex and not some douche who will screw me over.” I gotz cred!

I’m 42-years-old and I still cut the crust off my sandwiches. That’s so (5-year-)Old School!

2/14

Doing 183 MPH down the I-88 in the fog. Why? It’s amazing and I can respawn if I crash.

I’m convinced Valentine’s Day was invented by a single person so they’d have an excuse to rail against couples for one day.

“Wrong hole! Wrong hole!”

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Manscaping 101: First, apply shaving cream.

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