BWAHAHA: 7/12 – 7/18

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 7/12 – 7/18: All week the great storms went north and south of me. Everything that was coming my way that looked promising, petered or fizzled out. And then when it did rain… it was a boring, drippy, drizzling, fuck the sun kinda rain for 48 hours. Fuck you Mother Nature! But hey, I had two days of “fall weather” or “spring weather,” depending on one’s personal preference, so I figured why not get some yard work done! But that damn green hose was hiding in the tall green grass (tall because it’s been fucking raining for days) and gets sucked into the blades of my John Deere. And there ends my yard work. The John Deere is still sitting where it stalled and got the hose stuck in it. Why is it still sitting there? Because it’s FUCKING RAINING again! For two days fucking straight! Seriously, fuck you Mother Nature.

OTHER

Years of Tetris prepared me for packing boxes and moving trucks, but it didn’t prepare me for Alabama heat! #alwx #MissingPolarVortex

I forgot to post the pic of the “supermoon!” What was I thinking?

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I’m convinced at this point that Mother Nature’s fucking with me.

I find myself torn between Weird Al’s take and Stephen Fry’s take. #FirstWorldProblems

A great way to ID trouble spots, the third world, and places no one wants to go.

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140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS

Mud Truck with Confederate flag in window & secret KKK symbol on bumper. Roll alongside and they’re head bopping to NWA. #DoingRacismWrong

The last time in history that this many people across the globe were talking about Germany, they were rooting against them.

Road Kill collector. #BadSummerJobs

Pool boy at a porn set. #BadSummerJobs

Gutter cleaner after a hurricane. #BadSummerJobs

Holding lightning attraction devices for research scientists in Florida. #BadSummerJobs

Riding shotgun to Reed Timmer documenting how many times he gets excited. #BadSummerJobs

The Public Relations person dealing with real life storm chasers criticizing the science after #IntoTheStorm hits theaters. #BadSummerJobs

Why do they call it “Conspiracy Thinking” when there’s no thinking involved?

Another Malaysian flight, Israel invades Gaza, ISIS being stupid in Syria & Iraq, Beiber DUI: #AlexJones must be going apeshit about now.

CAPTION CENTRAL

Found my new storm chasing pants!

Found my new storm chasing pants!

WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

How many times do I need to tell you? Always be aware of your surroundings!

How many times do I need to tell you? Always be aware of your surroundings!

And so the rise of the apes starts...

And so the rise of the apes starts…

Hurricane, tornado, or Godzilla?

Hurricane, tornado, or Godzilla?

Impervious to workplace flatulence.

Impervious to workplace flatulence.

30 years ago, Tina was left standing at the altar. She's never fully recovered from that experience.

30 years ago, Tina was left standing at the altar. She’s never fully recovered from that experience.

Camels make it through the eye of the needle and the rich get into Heaven. We'll just ignore Matthew 19:24.

Camels make it through the eye of the needle and the rich get into Heaven. We’ll just ignore Matthew 19:24.

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BWAHAHA: 6/14 – 6/20

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 6/14 – 6/20: I spent another week in Jackson, MS. I thought drivers in other places were shitty drivers, but Jackson, MS drivers take the cake! And it’s not aggressiveness or normal stupidity, but it’s this laissez-faire attitude toward driving: doing 5-10 under the speed limit. I don’t get mad at people for doing the speed limit because I only do 5-7 above it normally. But for the love of whatever gods you don’t actually believe in, do the motherfucking speed limit! The minimum speed of 40 on the Interstate is actually too slow and dangerous. When you’re going that slow you’re creating a traffic hazard that forces people into the other lanes and that increases the chances of accidents. Oh, and if the person in front of you is doing 69 and you’re doing 70, you don’t fucking pass them for the next three miles doing 70 while traffic builds up behind you! You fucking go 75 and get in front of them and then go back to doing 70. Why is driving such a hard fucking concept for people? And it makes it worse because of my ATHEIST license plate, because I get boxed in by people trying to take pictures, see what an atheist looks like, or flip me off. I’ve seen so many people almost get into wrecks trying to get pictures of my license plate. Really people… it’s just a fucking license plate. Speaking of my plate, in September I’m changing it to VORTEX. I’m excited!

On a serious note: as many of you may already know, tornadoes destroyed a couple of towns in Nebraska this past week. The tornadoes that appeared were very unique and will be studied by scientists for a very long time. You can help those hit by this weather tragedy by donating to the American Red Cross.

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS

Cereal Killer Crunch: you’ll need a sharp knife to eat it #RuinaBreakfast #HSVComedy

Postal Pops: Go Postal Every Morning #RuinaBreakfast #HSVComedy

Rusty Wagon Wheels, with chocolate goo centers! #RuinaBreakfast #HSVComedy

Green Eggs & Ham is code for gonorrhea vaginal discharge. #RuinaBreakfast #HSVComedy

Humans: the Other White Meat #RuinaBreakfast #HSVComedy

I’ll have the Porky Pig Bacon and the Donald Duck Pâté. #RuinaBreakfast #HSVComedy

The restaurant has blue waffles on their menu. I don’t think that means what they think it means. #RuinaBreakfast #HSVComedy

Watching Game of Thrones in the morning. #RuinaBreakfast #HSVComedy

The one thing I thought third world countries had going for them was soccer. I guess not.

Smell of cologne gave away perps hiding place. Don’t wear cologne when committing crime. #COPS #LessonsLearned

Would I have spilled food on my shirt if I had not been trying to not spill food on my shirt? #LifePonderings

This was the most horridly awesome stupid disgusting funny crazy asininity I’ve ever seen. You should watch it.

Tons of cops in the hotel. Close the door very… very… very slowly and watch Netflix instead of going out to eat.

Parking Lot nudges a Skateboard, which spooks a 4-Wheeler, who swerves into the woods, where conveniently a bear is hiding. #TravelFun

The A/C in my car is broke. While hanging my head out the car window to cool down I couldn’t decide if I looked like a dog or Miley Cyrus.

CAPTION CENTRAL

I finally found a burkini I can support!

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“I’m adopted, right?”

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Introducing the new Vagilaser: because your Second Amendment Rights extend to every part of your body.

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Introducing the new economy class at rentboy.com.

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Never run out of toilet paper again!

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