BWAHAHA 1/17 – 1/23

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 1/17 – 1/23: First, let me start off by saying, THE MOTHERFUCKING SEAHAWKS ARE GOING TO THE MOTHERFUCKING SUPER BOWL!!!!!!! I’ve been a Seahawks fan since I was 13-years-old. I spent almost 30 years watching them lose and lose and lose and lose. And now, two years in a MOTHERFUCKING ROW!!!!! If you’re not a football fan, the next week is going to suck for you on social media.

So the State of the Union happened as well. I always enjoy watching the reaction of the Congress as the President speaks and what they do and do not decide to clap for and stand up for. It’s a great way to check out the mindset of each party. I’ve decided to start calling it the State of the Loonion. My observations based on the behavior of Republicans during the State of the Loonion Address:

• Republicans be like, “Fuck child care.”
• Republicans be like, “Fuck equal pay for women.”
• Republicans be like, “Fuck community college.”
• Republicans be like, “Fuck climate change and fuck future generations.”
• Republicans be like, “Fuck gay rights.”
• Republicans be like, “Fuck women’s access to health care.”
• Republicans be like, “Fuck the right to vote.”
• Republicans be like, “Fuck better politics.”
• Republicans be like, “Fuck the fact that Democrat and Republican citizens agreed with Obama 90% of the time on Bing Pulse tonight.”

Yeah, the Bing Pulse minute-by-minute poll showed Republicans and Democrats agreeing at least 90% of the time with everything Obama was saying. The red and blue lines were almost exactly the same throughout the entire speech. Independents were all over the place and looked like arrhythmia on an EKG, but that’s normal for them. So if Republican citizens agreed with almost everything Obama said… why are Republican leaders so against everything he said? Methinks your base is narrower than thou doth think!

OTHER STUFF:

• Thanks to YouTube’s random recommendations, I just discovered Japanese Steampunk.
• I tried to type “Go Colts” and auto correct changed it to “Go Clits.” I’m more surprised that Clits is in my phone’s dictionary.
• If the Patriots did use deflated balls, I say we take off and nuke the entire site from orbit. It’s the only way to be sure.
• Ready to watch the State of the Loonion.
• In the “I wish I had thought of this category:” Rich people: the reason your conspiracy theory is nonsense. Silly… but true.
• Osmosis: Becoming fans of Donny & Marie after hearing their songs at a friend’s house. Side note: you shouldn’t be friend with that person.
• Me: “Your dog and I have known each other for almost seven years.” GF: “But we’ve only known each other for about a year.” Me: “Exactly.”
• Mutineer: someone who climbs hills instead of mountains.
• Support LGBT rights? Don’t read the comments on articles about Alabama. The bigots are showing their asses and you don’t want to see it.
• Victory in Alabama for those who don’t let a Bronze Age book tell us who people can and cannot love.

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS:

• I drink so Lele b bow that I’m a librettist arty veining. 8 necessary to Dino now. #DrunkTexting
• Someone has some Green Bay NFC Champs shirts on sale somewhere. @Seahawks are #SuperbowlBound

@MIDNIGHT #HASHTAGWARS:

• The Bookie of Life #ToughGuyRomComs @midnight
• Pinch Hitter Perfect #ToughGuyRomComs @midnight
• Shredding Crashers #ToughGuyRomComs @midnight
• American Pie Hard (With a Vengeance) #ToughGuyRomComs @midnight
• There’s Something About Gary Cooper #ToughGuyRomComs @midnight
• Menchanted #ToughGuyRomComs @midnight
• The Housearrest Brony #ToughGuyRomComs @midnight
• Pretty in Pink Spray from a .50cal Bullet #ToughGuyRomComs @midnight
• Youv’e Got Male Pattern Baldness #ToughGuyRomComs @midnight
• Boxanne #ToughGuyRomComs @midnight

BWAHAHA: 7/5 – 7/11

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 7/5 – 7/11: I wrapped up my vacation in Arkansas and came home. It’s always good to be home. I also decided to no longer do standup comedy this week (see below for the link if you missed it), but I’ll still do the BWAHAHA because I’ll always be stupid and silly.

OTHER STUFF

“You’re not going to mass?”
“I don’t go to church.”
“This isn’t for you, it’s for John & Jane.”
“I don’t go to church.”
Vacation ends on a high note

Leaving the Scene

Wearing my JAWS shirt to the Beach Boys concert. Totally appropriate. #BeachBoys

There are more Hawaiian shirts here than were at Pearl Harbor on December 6, 1941. #BeachBoys

John Stamos is on stage with the Beach Boys playing guitar and drums. Showoff. #BeachBoys

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS

Canoe goes in the water, you go in the canoe… You go in the water, canoe keeps going down the river without you. #Tippecanoe #Ouch

When after a long break from gaming you can’t remember if R1 or R2 fires the weapon and you die. #LoadLastCheckpoint

The action and adventure buff in me really likes The Last Ship, but the ex sailor in me cringes every few minutes they get shit wrong.

CAPTION CENTRAL

Someone’s over-compensating.

Where baby trucks come from. Our where libertarians are in charge.

All officers, be on the lookout for a hit & run suspect vehicle: a red & white truck with the words Coke on it.

I’m pretty sure there’s no such thing as accidental porn… but I could be wrong.

If only we had places like this in America, so all the racists were easily identifiable.

The ignorant are unlikely to catch the mistake, but are more likely not to buy it without a “USA Flag.”

Go watch a flood wearing your short shorts, because you’ll never need survival gear. Nope. Never.

Best friends are willing to show the world their ass so that you don’t have to.

WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!!!!!!

I’m pretty sure there’s a back garage for getting car radios installed.

BWAHAHA: 5/31 – 6/6

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 5/31 – 6/6: I’m trying a new format this week to see how I like it. Instead of listing everything by the day I posted it, I’m combining all the captioned pictures, twitter jokes, and “other” into separate categories. Let’s see how this looks and goes. I’m digging the captioning already instead of the words above the pictures.

I participated in the Alright Bayou Comedy Show on 6/6 and had a great time. Thanks to comedians Matthew Tate and Nate Bailie for the invite and hosting. For more information about shows, open mics, and other comedy stuff in the Huntsville area, check out hsvcomedy.com!

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OTHER STUFF (Yeah, OTHER goes before everything else)

Check out my new article on the Rocket-Wrangler, Area Storm Chasers Disappointed by Severe Weather Season

The newest episode of The Critical Eye Podcast, with guest comedian Ian Harris, is now available in the archive. E044: Republicans, Racists, and Teabaggers; Oh My!

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS

The scariest part of #Maleficent was the teaser for the new #Cinderella movie being released in 2015.

Headline: “Pakistani police probed for being ‘silent spectators’ in stoning death.”
I hope they mean the “probed” I’m thinking of.

Alabamians voted today, once again proving how stupid they are.

Someone do a mash up of Pet Shop Boys’ “Opportunities” and Blood Hound Gang’s “Bad Touch.” It’ll be awesome!

Thanks to a flat tire at midnight in Atlanta, I now have $6 until payday. Hey, if McDonald’s employees can do it…

This was me in 1953: ____
#TBT Before I was born, I was nothing and I didn’t notice, and so it shall be when I die.

I was thinking Obama should have traded weapons for the hostage, then I remembered Reagan already gave the Taliban weapons. #GOPocrisy

CAPTION CENTRAL

Wanna prove you’re rich in China on dating profile sites? Show that you can purchase McDonald’s french fries!

He’s not just selling vegetables, he’s promoting #SouthernEducation.

And on this day, Tommy began going through puberty.

Remember to always be aware of your surroundings. #LifeLessons

Does this count as a selfie? #ClubSexting

Grandpa is so busted! Just because you have earbuds in, doesn’t mean the world actually goes away.

“Hey Aziz, I’m beginning to like this Great Satan. How about you?”

Tonight on ESPN, the Wonderful World of Balletsketball!

Wasatch School District (Utah) announces new girl’s dress code for the 2014/15 school year.

Turning water into wine was no biggie, but Jesus couldn’t turn water into beer. Jesus still has to do beer runs.

He’s gonna get a parking ticket!

Ever since Bane went all artistic, he just isn’t as threatening.

Here we see a child being trained in the ways of FOX News.

Papa’s got a brand new bag!

The Teletubbies, now 17-years-old, being all douchey and hipstery.

Another friendly reminder to be aware of your surroundings.

BWAHAHA: 2/8 – 2/14

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 2/8 – 2/14: This week was the week of the cock teasing Snowmageddon. It kept threatening to snow in Alabama (again). The models kept changing and it kept being delayed. And businesses shut down for no snow. And then… it finally happened. Mother Nature proved herself to be the MILF she is and just dumped it all over us. Then it melted the next morning. Oh well… back to work in Alabama.

2/8

In the grocery store: amazing ass in yoga pants in front of me. Turns the corner… it’s a dude. Vomit cleanup in aisle 6, please!

2/9

Greenpeace is stupid sometimes. I have fond memories of hosing them down from a Navy ship.

Damn, did I really just spend the last 1.5 hours editing my GameFly queue? Yep… guess I did.

Grocery store is packed. Must be a storm coming. Idiots.

Carl. #Winning #TigerBlood #TWD

Mmmmm, chocolate puddin’! #TWD

2/10

Sometimes poor Japanese translations make perfect sense when the sign is hung in the right place.

Great White South

Navy Atheist & Gay Jesus

NSA & FBI Job Security

Snowmageddon in 3, 2… okay in 5, 4, 3, 2… okay in 10, 9, 8, 7, 6… oh fuck it.

The snow just told me, “I find your lack of faith disturbing!” I replied, “I find your lack of evidence disturbing!”

Just noticed that if you take almost all anti-government conspiracies and replace government with GOP, it sounds legit.

If the terrorist bomb teacher accidentally blows up his class, does the virgins he get match the number of fingers he has left?

Def Leppard’s “Snowmageddon” is on the Hysteria album, right?

2/11

Public farting… sometimes it just works.

“Here, let me get that for you.”

Bin Laden, bomb, backpack, explosives, Allah, Taliban, and Great Satan. Doing my part to keep NSA agents employed.

The Good Ship Lollipop struck an iceberg and sank.

“Yeah, but are you gettin’ it? Snowmageddon it! Ooh, really gettin’ it? – Yes, Snowmaggedon it!” – Deaf Snowleopard

Damn you GPS!

They’re gonna need a bigger boat.

2/12

OMFSM! The Rugrats predicted the Fleshlight!

In places where insurance isn’t required (or Libertarians are in charge).

Listening to the local news anchors describe the snow. Sounds like they’re describing sex. Innuendos falling faster than snow.

Every time you walk on snow… you’re just like Jesus!

If I had known my Chromecast had arrived in the mail today, I would have trudged out in the snow earlier.

2/13

With all the ice and snow out there, it took me a little bit of extra time to get to my office this morning. (a joke for those people who know what I do and where I do it)

Pretty people can still go fast, though…

My ex-wife just said, “I’m so glad I have you as an ex and not some douche who will screw me over.” I gotz cred!

I’m 42-years-old and I still cut the crust off my sandwiches. That’s so (5-year-)Old School!

2/14

Doing 183 MPH down the I-88 in the fog. Why? It’s amazing and I can respawn if I crash.

I’m convinced Valentine’s Day was invented by a single person so they’d have an excuse to rail against couples for one day.

“Wrong hole! Wrong hole!”

Manscaping 101: First, apply shaving cream.

BWAHAHA: 9/28 – 10/4

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 9/28 – 10/4: So the government shutdown this week after some moron ironically read us Green Eggs and Ham. My VA check was delayed, causing me to eat Ramen noodles for two more fucking days! But hey, I got to land a 747 on a short desert runway thanks to GTA5!

9/28

“This house is clean!”

“[Jesus] didn’t walk around all willy nilly just passing out free healthcare to those who were sick, or food to those who were hungry…” – Ted Cruz. Um, didn’t Jesus heal the sick and feed the masses? #StupidRepublitards

I wanted to pull my carpet up before the party, but waxing really hurts.

Here’s to using ride-on mowers as large mechanical rakes!

In the 5th grade a girl saw my penis and said it was too big. I wonder if she thinks the same thing now that she’s 42.

9/29

The penalty flag giveth, and the penalty flag taketh away.

I watched the season finale of Breaking Bad. Now I don’t have to watch five years worth of it.

I joined Christian Mingle for shits & giggles. I left Christian Mingle with fits and fizzles.

Why should I symbolically adopt a tiger when I can shoot one instead? I want to try out my new camera. #WWF

9/30

In movies, lava bombs only hit the roads that people are using to escape. Then stop once the people die. Volcanoes hate people.

If my VA disability doesn’t post to my bank in 23 minutes I’m going to get mad and yell at the TV. That’ll teach ’em!

Can we use the money we’re saving during the shutdown to fund recalls of Republicans and special elections to replace them?

The best part of a shutdown is our legislators still get paid. And that’s important because we love them so much!

Worried about government rape? No biggie, they’ve got ways to shut that whole thing down.

So now that the government’s shut down, can we start behaving like Somali pirates? #LibertarianUtopia

The government is shut down and people aren’t getting paid… what, Miley Cyrus has a new video out? Where?!?!?!

10/1

They put ’em down and teabagged their victims! Then I realized it was Washington and not on my FPS MMO.

The best part about a Dictatorship is that only a coup can shut that government down.

In US, we shuttin’ down… In Soviet Russia, they Putin On the Ritz!

This is one time I hope the kids take their ball and go home, because their rules are stupid. #Republitards

I think the Republicans have been playing too much #GTA5. Look at ’em goin’ all gangsta on the gummint!

Insert rude, obnoxious, facetious, sarcastic, and blasphemous atheist comment here.

So my VA check didn’t get deposited. Fuck you very much Republitards.

10/2

RIP Jack Ryan: Marine, CIA agent, President, and all-around awesome fictional character.

10/3

Hurricane Karen says, “Shutdown? I’ll show you a fucking shutdown! No money for FEMA, aw, too bad!”

10/4

The sign said “No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service.” Didn’t say anything about No Pants. (Picture from Tosh.O)

Doing my part to piss off Conservatives!

“Only web sites necessary to protect lives and property will be maintained.” Um, isn’t NOAA necessary for just that?