BWAHAHA: 6/7 – 6/13

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 6/7 – 6/13: I spent the week in a Mississippi jail. I’ve become the pawn of a Sheriff who thinks I’m the guy who is going to get him reelected. No, I’m not a prisoner being made an example of. I’m a contractor, who by completing the job in time, will make the voters happy enough to reelect a Sheriff. But see, that just means there’s enough voters out there who have family and friends in prison, that making them happy can mean a reelection. What does that say about 1) Mississippi, and 2) our Judicial system? When your reelection hinges on a single item you may want to consider how well you’re doing with the rest of your job. People should reelect you because you’re doing a good job, not because you accomplished a single thing.

While in Mississippi I’ve had a couple of run-ins with rednecks. One of them was literally a tit-for-tat conversation of, “At least in California we’re progressive,” “Yeah, well at least in Mississippi we don’t suck cocks,”

“No, you do suck cocks, you’re just afraid of homosexuality, so you beat the shit out of gays instead of admitting you’re gay.”

“Fuck you, you liberal hippie!”

“You’d like to, wouldn’t you, you gay Mississippian!”

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS

Four customers and three employees were all singing to the Village People’s YMCA playing on the radio in the BP gas station. #LifeGemstones

We wouldn’t be playing this keep passing reach other game if you would USE YOUR FUCKING CRUISE CONTROL! #IdiotDrivers

We only have one life to lose… so lose it well.

I now believe in God. I prayed for hot mustard to come back and it did. Not sure why he doesn’t answer prayers of starving kids in Africa.

It’s 90 degrees outside and 96 degrees in the jail. Can I go outside now please?

What’s that? Lightning and wind and rain? Yeah… fuck going out to eat. Dominos.Com save the day!

Yesterday I lost 10lbs in sweat. Today I’m gaining 10 lbs from being soaked to the bone. #MississippiWeather

Why is the waitress calling me “darlin” when I’m clearly 20 years older than her? #TipPandering

Wow, did Virginia really just replace a crazy person with a crazier person? #CantorVsBrat

Of course the Tea Party candidate is named Brat. OF COURSE!

“Six minutes! Six minutes! Six minutes Doogie Howser is on!” #RuinaRapSong #HSVcomedy

Cantor gets rejected, Tea Party gets selected. The GOP is divided. Now we’re voting for crazier over crazy. #HSVcomedy #RuinaRapSong

Have you ever seen a party with whites on the mic. With one minute sound bites that don’t come out right? #HSVcomedy #RuinaRapSong #GOP

I saw the Sheriff, but I did not see the Deputy. #Jailin

GF asked, “What you guys talk about?” “Nothing.” “Really?” “Yeah, we’re dudes, our conversations are like three sentences long.”

Eric Can’tor

Explaining to MS native, “MS is ranked last in almost everything.” He responds, “Well, at least we’re not pussies down here.” #FairEnough

I can’t tell if I’m in the DMARC or a sauna. Computers love the heat, right?

Why does Popeye’s serve non-spicy chicken? If you want boring chicken, go to KFC.

CAPTION CENTRAL

Another friendly reminder to always be aware of your surroundings…

And we wonder why the French hate us…

North Korea announces invention of teleprompter to ensure citizens will say what the government wants them to say.

I don’t know about you, but I prefer it when my farts speak in Mandarin or Siamese.

Someone has a Boba Fettish.

I went to Rome and all I got to see was the Fontana di Elderli.

BWAHAHA: 11/30 – 12/6

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 11/30 – 12/6: I got to spend most of the week in Monroe, Louisiana and Cleburne, Texas (just south of Dallas). And all the driving in between. I left cold weather and arrived in the upper 70’s. Then had to bail quickly before Snowmaggedon or Snowpocalypse started. I left Shreveport, Louisiana right as the cold front was starting to come in and it was 54 degrees. Ten miles later is was 72 degrees. Weather is just fucking weird.

And then there was the sickness. I got horribly sick. I spent the night in Cleburne in a hotel room shaking uncontrollably in a shitty bed, curled in a fetal position, and struggling to breathe. I probably should have gone to the ER, but I have these things called testes which prevent me from going to see a doctor unless another homo sapiens with ovaries is there to insist that I go. Fucking evolution. It was 80 degrees outside and I had to turn the heat on to 85 in order to stop shaking and finally break my fever. I woke up in a pool of sweat so deep that the next night’s customers were going to be sleeping in my wet spot.

On the way back home at the rest area at mile marker 299 on the I-65 in Alabama, a Christian approached me asking about my license plate and the atom vinyl on my hood. He said he was Church of Christ and loved how science proved the Bible. Oh boy… here we go. I asked him to give me one example and he said Noah’s flood. He immediately began to defend his statement when he saw the “Are you fucking serious, you moron?” look on my face. He tells me how science has proved a regional flood, so therefore Noah’s flood was real and therefore science proves the Bible. Okay, so science has indeed found evidence of a regional flood stemming from the Black Sea area that caused massive flooding to reach the Nile. That regional flood occurred 2,000 years after the estimated time of the Noachian Flood. So I asked him, “Science found a regional flood, not global, not 9 cubits above the highest mountain, and no Ark with two of every species, right?” He replies yes. “And this proves a biblical global flood with an Ark carrying two of each species how again?” He didn’t really have an answer for that. He then goes on to tell me that he gives his brother crap for being a biologist and not accepting evolution and that he himself loves science. Then he says American Atheists is doing a great job and to keep up the good work. I left that conversation more confused than he did.

11/30

The jokes are just coming out Fast & Furious tonight…

I wonder if they finished filming Fast & Furious 7 yet…

Someone should have been more Walker and less Driver.

12/1

Was Paul Walker driving the tank? #TheWalkingDead

12/2

Tuscaloosa looks depressed today. I wonder why? Oh well, driving on.

Alabama in my rearview. Mississippi in my windshield. talk about frying pan to fire.

Arrived safe and sound. That’s if you can call Monroe, LA “safe”or “sound.”

12/3

Hotel customer asks if there is a bookstore close by: staff sends him to WalMart. /facepalm

Twelve minute wait for a spicy breast at Popeye’s? Yep, worth it.

Does anyone actually know how to drive in Texas?

Eating nothing but cough drops and Advil is a good diet, right?

12/4

Man, Advil & cough drop farts are the worse!

My body wants to sleep, but my mind is like, “Fuck that, let’s do a one-man show in your head!”

12/5

If I ever own an apartment complex, I’m going to call it Fleur d’Lease.

That’s it, I’m installing a rocket launcher on my car!

Personally, I thought the Mandolin died centuries ago, but everyone seems pissy about it today. Weird.

District 9 was the best documentary about pre-Mandela South Africa.

Diplomatic Immunity!
Just been revoked.
(Mandela joke in disguise)

Every time someone says I pissed in their Wheaties, I take a shit in their oatmeal for good measure.

I was saddened to hear that the actor who starred in Driving Miss Daisy died today. South Africa just won’t be the same without him.

People give preppers shit, but preppers aren’t complaining about the power being out or stores being closed right now.

Some people have sticks so far up their asses that their breath smells like acorns.

I dated cougars when I was in high school. Did I mention I went to Canyon Springs, home of the Cougars?

12/6

Grocery shopping complete!

Comedians are pretty much truthful liars.

A lesser know historical figure was Jack’s twin brother, John the Mender.