BWAHAHA 12/13 – 12/19:

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 12/13 – 12/19: Very slow week. I had a Vapemas party and spent most of my free time getting ready for the holidays and enjoying playing PS3 with my daughter who is visiting from college. I didn’t do any captions this week or participate in @Midnight’s Hashtag Wars. But hey, I accomplished a bunch of shit in my real life!

OTHER STUFF:

• Story Time: The Mass Casualty Curse
• Fireball with Redds (or Angry Orchard). OMG!

• 

  Oh yeah! #Fireball

• Just caught the dog pretending to eat so that the cat wouldn’t eat her food. PRETENDING TO EAT! Seriously?!?!?
• Finally! Some Christmas lights set to good music! VNV Nation is amazing and you should check ’em out!
• Daughter: “How many of those did I have?” / Me: “5” / Her: “That’s it?” / Me: “That’s one shy of a six-pack.” / Her: “Oh yeah.” #Newbie21yo
• If I was in Nebraska looking at the clouds I’m seeing I’d say it would snow later today. But I’m in Alabama… so who effin’ knows.
• I set the microwave for four minutes, but I’m pretty sure it took eight.
• In a few more days I’ll stick to tradition and watch my favorite Christmas movie of all time: Die Hard. (Followed by Lethal Weapon)
• If you joined Facebook five days ago, are a member of 400 groups, and try to join my groups… I know you’re a spammer. ‪#‎InstantBlock‬

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS:

• I met you while looking for my girlfriend at the battered women’s shelter. ‪#‎MissedConnections

• 

  North Korean drones prepare for the backlash of #InterviewGate‬

BWAHAHA 12/6 – 12/12:

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 12/6 – 12/12: I’m a couple of weeks behind and playing catch-up today.

I spent the second part of my week dealing with a conservative radio talk show host who didn’t like a satire piece I wrote for the Rocket Wrangler about his racist activities (link below). I mean, I already suspected he was a douchebag for his “one man protest” of “Police Lives Matter” and his ignorance of what exactly white privilege is and how it’s NOT an insult. But then he finds out that I’m on the dais for an upcoming comedy charity event and threatens to not support the show or advertise for it unless I’m removed. Now, I no longer suspected he was a douchebag, but knew he was a douchebag. You can also imagine how disappointed I was that the charity event chose to not stand up to his bullying. Here is a man who talks shit about people every single day on his show, but let one satire piece call him out, and suddenly he’s a whiny beotch (and a hypocritical asshole). Of course he’ll never understand the irony of an anti-big government conservative out there protesting in favor of the police. His brain’s too small to process that kind of thinking. The best part about all of this is that he wanted me to come on his show and debate him. Really? You didn’t want me on the charity event but you want me on your show? Two words: fuck you. Why on earth would I come on your show? You’re clearly an ignorant racist conservative asshole who puts yourself above others (you know, demanding your way because your little feelings were hurt when someone decided to make fun of your asinine stunt) and demanding to get your way or you’re taking your ball and going home. You’re a childish asshole and there’s no way I would ever come on your show. I’ve been on Hannity a few times, Megan Kelly (I even made her throw a temper tantrum on live TV), and many others. But you? Nope. Fuck your show.

OTHER STUFF:

I do believe this app is confused.

• Grammar Nazis Are Annoying
• Because sometimes the best thing to do with stupid, is laugh at it: Radio Deejay Has One-Man Protest

• 

  ‘Murica! Fuck Yeah! Peace on Earth! And support the wars overseas! #IronicChristmasTree

• Thanks to the Punk Goes Pop series, Suzie and I finally have music we can listen to together.

CAPTION CENTRAL:

• 

  The Grand Jury decided not to indict the officer involved.

• 

  This is why cars should not be using ladders. Safety first!

• 

  Merry Dickmas!

Rocket Wrangler Stirs It Up In Huntsville

The Rocket Wrangler is a satirical web page that makes fun of Huntsville, Alabama and the surrounding areas. The page was created by Huntsville comedian Danielle Kolle and multiple local comedians contribute articles to the satirical page.

On July 9th, the Rocket Wrangler posted an article about a new proposal for a stadium in Big Spring Park (Huntsville City Planner Has Surprise Announcement). The story was shared across Facebook by Huntsvillians creating a lot of controversy as people thought the story was real. Today, WHNT reported on the story (Satirical news website ‘The Rocket Wrangler’ stirs new stadium rumors).

Congratulations to The Rocket Wrangler for capturing the gullible with great satire.

On a side note, the WHNT article mentions one of the articles I wrote (Huntsville Hospital’s Medical Mall Weighs TV Options After FOX News Fight).

You can find The Rocket Wrangler on Facebook and at their Web Page.

BWAHAHA: 5/31 – 6/6

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 5/31 – 6/6: I’m trying a new format this week to see how I like it. Instead of listing everything by the day I posted it, I’m combining all the captioned pictures, twitter jokes, and “other” into separate categories. Let’s see how this looks and goes. I’m digging the captioning already instead of the words above the pictures.

I participated in the Alright Bayou Comedy Show on 6/6 and had a great time. Thanks to comedians Matthew Tate and Nate Bailie for the invite and hosting. For more information about shows, open mics, and other comedy stuff in the Huntsville area, check out hsvcomedy.com!

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OTHER STUFF (Yeah, OTHER goes before everything else)

Check out my new article on the Rocket-Wrangler, Area Storm Chasers Disappointed by Severe Weather Season

The newest episode of The Critical Eye Podcast, with guest comedian Ian Harris, is now available in the archive. E044: Republicans, Racists, and Teabaggers; Oh My!

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS

The scariest part of #Maleficent was the teaser for the new #Cinderella movie being released in 2015.

Headline: “Pakistani police probed for being ‘silent spectators’ in stoning death.”
I hope they mean the “probed” I’m thinking of.

Alabamians voted today, once again proving how stupid they are.

Someone do a mash up of Pet Shop Boys’ “Opportunities” and Blood Hound Gang’s “Bad Touch.” It’ll be awesome!

Thanks to a flat tire at midnight in Atlanta, I now have $6 until payday. Hey, if McDonald’s employees can do it…

This was me in 1953: ____
#TBT Before I was born, I was nothing and I didn’t notice, and so it shall be when I die.

I was thinking Obama should have traded weapons for the hostage, then I remembered Reagan already gave the Taliban weapons. #GOPocrisy

CAPTION CENTRAL

Wanna prove you’re rich in China on dating profile sites? Show that you can purchase McDonald’s french fries!

He’s not just selling vegetables, he’s promoting #SouthernEducation.

And on this day, Tommy began going through puberty.

Remember to always be aware of your surroundings. #LifeLessons

Does this count as a selfie? #ClubSexting

Grandpa is so busted! Just because you have earbuds in, doesn’t mean the world actually goes away.

“Hey Aziz, I’m beginning to like this Great Satan. How about you?”

Tonight on ESPN, the Wonderful World of Balletsketball!

Wasatch School District (Utah) announces new girl’s dress code for the 2014/15 school year.

Turning water into wine was no biggie, but Jesus couldn’t turn water into beer. Jesus still has to do beer runs.

He’s gonna get a parking ticket!

Ever since Bane went all artistic, he just isn’t as threatening.

Here we see a child being trained in the ways of FOX News.

Papa’s got a brand new bag!

The Teletubbies, now 17-years-old, being all douchey and hipstery.

Another friendly reminder to be aware of your surroundings.

BWAHAHA: 5/24 – 5/30

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 5/24 – 5/30: The news hyped the shit out of the Camel Toe Meteor Shower: the shower that had never been to Earth before. I sat out in my yard for 45 minutes and all I saw was lightning bugs. So a big fuck you to the Universe.

I went and saw Maleficent Friday the 30th and I really enjoyed it (no spoilers here, I promise). Reading some of the criticisms online I can’t help but wonder what people thought they were getting? Did they think they were going to see an M Night Shyamalanadingdong movie? Were they expecting JJ Abrams? Michael Bay? It was a Disney movie and if you expected anything but a Disney movie then you should be doing a critique of yourself. This was a pure Disney movie through and through and it was done beautifully. It passed the Bechdel Test with flying colors. The amazing part was the lack of clear and defined roles of good and evil, with characters being both and dealing with those internal struggles. Angelina Jolie nailed the role and was incredible. The movie is dark and has a lot of death in it (you never see the deaths happen: it’s insinuated or you see afterwards (think Dumbledore’s fall and then you see him on the ground but never see him hit the ground), but dark is not new for Disney. Was the movie Amazing? Of course not, it’s a Disney movie. Was it good? You betcha! One thing I can consistently count on is that if critics hate a movie, I know I’m going to like it and if they love a movie (or it’s nominated for Best Picture) then I know I’m probably going to hate it.

The scariest part of Maleficent was the teaser for the new Cinderella movie being released in 2015.

5/24

Meteor! Never mind, lightning bug. Meteor! Never mind, lightning bug. Meteor! Fucking lightning bugs.

Ghost peppers in mac & cheese with hot sausage? Oh yeah… I’m on fire. But it’s a good spontaneous combustion.

My article “My First Threesome” was published in The Rocket Wrangler. TRW is where local comedians post their funny articles and fake news.

5/25

I was passing someone doing 10 under in the left lane and Colony 5’s song “Unaware” started playing. #AwesomeCoincidence

5/28

I really hate getting sick. More than I hate being sick. I’m not a fan of suspense.

5/29

“How was I supposed to know that everyone would call me out for wearing white?”

It suddenly dawned on Nicole why she was so cold.

And here we have someone who clearly wasn’t very good at Pitfall on the Atari 2600.

After tons of criticism from earlier teaser pics, the new TMNT movie has taken a new route to attract new fans.

Thanks evolution for evolving the virus that attacked me yesterday. And thanks for the immune system that kicked the virus’ ass last night!

Thoughts of fleeing were dashed upon discovering the only two fit officers on the force manning the DUI checkpoint.

Steve thought he had the most amazing hose in the universe.

Meanwhile… in the Libertarian utopia… (Wait, there’d be no roads in the Libertarian Utopia)

I fatwa in your general direction!

5/30

Fifteen minutes later I was arrested for beating the shit out of a cat.

I think I know where the nozzle goes… but does it take unleaded or diesel?

Who needs a high school diploma when you can work at a grocery store bakery?

No one was going to get free coffee as long as McDougal was on watch!

The spice rack in the Thai restaurant fell on top of me. I’m physically fine, but totally Thai dyed.

I have a guest at my front door. He’s not moving. #MexicanStandoff

The restaurant: hot. Candy store: hot. Theater: hot. My house: hot. Did all the A/C’s break down? I’m now looking for the Happy Toyz truck.

So Disney is remaking Cinderella (2015 release). I’m skeptically intrigued and ruefully mused.

So that’s how new My Little Ponies are made…