This week on Twitter (3/15 – 3/22)

This week’s attempt to be funny on Twitter from 3/15 to 3/22 (posted in order of Tweets). One of my jobs got canceled and I was extra bored… so spent more time than usual on Twitter.

3/16

#WeWereCoolUntilYou told me you like Yanni.

I hate proselytizing felines! #Evangelion

#IfiWokeUpInANewBugatti I’d check the back seat for Caroline Mulford.

3/19

Prison rape. #GrandTheftAutoMemories

Saw this: #SarahPalinDoes and misread it as #SarahPalinDies. Oh well, they can’t all be good news days.

I’m hotter, and probably wetter, than Sarah Palin on a game preserve. #SarahPalinDoes

#GrowingUpAsABlackKid was really hard, especially since I was white.

When your morse code dashes are shaped like penises: #GuyCode

3/20

No problem accessing the al’Aqsa mosque since he’s Muslim! #ObamainIsrael /sarcasm

While there, he should get stoned… by Palestinians. #ObamainIsrael /sarcasm

He’s totally Kosher! #ObamainIsrael

Did he bring his Star of David Axelrod? #ObamainIsrael

Glad to see Obama concentrating. #ObamainIsrael

#ObamainIsrael, it’s hot as an oven!

#ObamainIsrael, what a gas!

Finally going to see if he can walk on water! #ObamainIsrael

“I can see #ObamainIsrael from my back yard!” – Sarah Palin

Pope Francis “dazzled” by girl: boys issue sigh of relief.

Snow on first day of spring: climate change deniers have premature orgasm.

WI closes nude beach on weekdays. Naked mole rats plan protest.

“$10,000 for me by myself. For that you get the head, the tail, the whole damn thing.” – K-Mart

“Cage goes in the water, you go in the water. Shark’s in the water. Our shark.” – K-Mart

Headline: “Arctic gets greener as climate warms up.” So when do we stop calling it the Arctic?

Red Tide killing manatees in Florida: University of Alabama denies involvement.

Voice of Elmo gets new allegations of sex abuse. This Fall, on PBS, Sexame Street!

Headline: “Emma Watson not locked into 50 Shades of Grey.” Yeah, more like shackled, chained, and ball-gagged.

Messiah Mobile #ObamaLimoNames

Mohamen Mehdi Ouazanni #ObamaLimoNames

Afghanipimpin’ #ObamaLimoNames

Back and to the Right, Back and to the Right, Back and to the Right. #ObamaLimoNames

My Set List for tonight (time allowing): Stinky Simon, Poopy Chutes & Male On Deck, Pink Palace, and My Sex Tape.

Wow, that set list actually went over well in the redneck bar. LOL

3/21

Conservatives outting themselves as prejudiced bigots so I know who they are. #WhyISmile

#ImSoUsedToHearing shit come out of Republican mouths, that I carry Wet Wipes with me at all times.

3/22

Were you really a warrior? #AskScandal

Women who hold farts all day just release them in spurts while sleeping: a whole new definition to motorboating.

MTV killed the video star. #RetroMTV

Girls holding their farts in. #TheMostAnnoyingThingsEver

After having rough sex with a paleontologist, she discovered that her vagisaurus.

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