This week on Twitter (3/22 – 3/29)

This week’s attempt to be funny on Twitter from 3/22 to 3/29 (posted in order of Tweets). I left for Austin, TX in the middle of the week for the American Atheists’ Convention (#AACON13) and basically ignored social media while I was having fun.

3/24

It’s #SuperSoulSunday, where God finally picks a winning team and announces it on Oprah!

FOX Sports’ coverage of #SuperSoulSunday is brought to you by Playtex: when the going get’s tough…

It’s halftime here at #SuperSoulSunday and Jive Talkin’ leads by a gimme five over the Funky Fresh.

The scheduled #SuperSoulSunday Parade has been canceled: cuz everyone’s gettin’ down!

Oprah has a #SuperSoulSunday: Don Cornelius spins in his grave.

In celebration of #PalmSunday, I’m giving myself hairy palms!

“Can’t you see I’m going blind?” – Korn’s tribute song to #PalmSunday

How come environmentalists aren’t all up in the shit of Christians for destroying trees on #PalmSunday?

I think #PalmSunday is Christian code for “we can masturbate without guilt today.”

If #PalmSunday fell on a Monday, would we encounter a parallel universe?

I think it’s pretty funny that it took an atheist to get #PalmSunday trending on Twitter. Go me!

I was going to celebrate #PalmSunday, but then decided to celebrate #FrondMonday instead.

I voted for Pontius Pilate! #PalmSunday

Adult stores report an increase in lube sales on #PalmSunday.

Fleshlight protests #PalmSunday, say they’re better than the palm. Jesus says, “I invited the Fleshlight: I have a hole in my hand!”

You’re not a pro on #PalmSunday until you get someone else to use their palm.

“She lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses.” – Ez 23:20 #PalmSunday

Dancing was fun, but my sciatica is really fucking pissed at me. LOL I don’t think it liked my Michael Jackson impersonation.

3/25

Tonight’s Set List: Palm Sunday, A&M, Pukis, Gas Ovens, Nasty Vaginas, Power of Vaginas, Pigs, Pink Palace

3/26

Only in Alabama can it snow for 36 hours without any accumulation.

Any time I hear a Mormon mention #Prop8, I just think they mean they proposed to eight 13yo girls.

Where’s the lube? #ThoughtsInBed

I think I can, I think I can, fuck… I can’t. #ThoughtsInBed

Where did she come from? #ThoughtsInBed

Where am I? Monkey beside me. I’m naked and covered in feathers. Whose bed is this? Oh, a bottle of Jack, that explains it. #ThoughtsInBed

Creationism is playing pretend for adults. #ItsNotComplicated

Don’t be one of those assholes who thinks everything’s funny until they make fun of your pet issue. #ItsNotComplicated

If the chittlin’ don’t be fittin’, then you must be aquittin’. #ItsNotComplicated

I don’t like butt sex, but I do like more tax revenue for my County’s marriage license department! #UnitedForMarriage

I’m totally “behind” #MarriageEquality

Just mowed my lawn in the snow. Yep, that’s how we do it in ‘Bama. #ClimateChangeIsReal

3/27

Christopher Hitchens is my co-pilot: because a corpse is better than an imaginary friend.

3/28

#SongsIWillAlwaysLove – Sex Dwarf by Soft Cell. I’m pretty sure it’s a song about my penis.

#SongsIWillAlwaysLove – “Let’s Hear It For The Boys” because girls have cooties.

#SongsIWillAlwaysLove – “Goonies”, because everyone needs a teenage anthem.

#SongsIWillAlwaysLove – “Axel F” because Eddie Murphy is a Crazy Frog!

#SongsIWillAlwaysLove – “Sixteen Candles” because they just don’t make good pedophile songs anymore.

#SongsIWillAlwaysLove – “In Your Room” by the Bangles, the video makes me JIMP every time.

I’m hotter than Ted Haggard in a day spa!

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